UPDATE: The author has changed cover since the review.

Word Count: 1348

Title: Dead End

Genre: Werewolf

Blurb:

You can run from the devil.

You can run from your lover.

You can run from pretty much anything . . . except for yourself.

And that is exactly what Miss Asher Wilmington has been doing for the last nine years of her life. Locked up in a mental institution for those years, she is finally ready to join the real world with her poetic outlook.

So focused on the new, she doesn't realize that her past is creeping back up behind her at every turn. What will she do when she realizes she's at a Dead End?

Join Asher on this spectacular adventure of love, triumph and heartache.

Status: Deleted

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Starting Points: 30

Cover: It's really nice and simple. It kind of looks like a TV show/80s movie poster! However, your cover maker could have just kept the same font throughout it, but that's really just a little thing. I don't really have much to complain about here, so no points lost.

Title: It's short, simple, gripping, and can catch a reader's, so again not much to say here. No points lost. *Side eyes you*

Summary: Yay, something to drag you about! Um--I mean, give you helpful criticism about, of course? Haha *sweats*

Anyway, saying "¡¡¡¡NOT A TYPICAL WEREWOLF BOOK!!!!" makes me think exactly that. It's a huge red flag, and if I came across this on my own, I wouldn't even bother reading the summary (possibly, but that's not a very reliable word). If this was a parody/comedy then that would make complete sense, but it isn't. It just seems like your jumping out of the screen to smack your readers violently and repeatedly, before jumping back into the screen. Imagine how scary and random that would be. Please, take it out.

-The part where you introduce this Asher character has an awkward space. I think you pressed enter by accident. The backspace key is so amazing, if I didn't have it I would look like a mess 99.9% of the time.

-Overall, the summary isn't good, however it seems like the conflict is more of an internal one. Possibly external too, but I don't know yet. It isn't good because you don't give a good idea on what may happen, and I'm not sure what the conflict is. That should be clear.

It's just too vague.

You should work on putting more information about the actual plot in it. (-5)

Plot: Asher doesn't want to be a werewolf, she's in denial (I am guessing).

Opening thoughts:

-I actually almost commented "Why" on your character page. This is just a personal beef I have with them form my dark and traumatizing past.

*Sad and dramatic orchestra plays as I stare out the window *

-Oh god, it's in first person...

-Boop! It seems to be done properly so far guys, and the description is pretty good.....

-Wattpad provides you a place on the top where you can place images, it looks cleaner, and it isn't right in everyone's face. (-1)

-I lied. The descriptions here and there are questionable, but not too bad. Also, I just came across a long ass sentence. (-3)

Excerpt: "I don't slow my purposeful strides and will my legs to push forward, they ache and protest but I ignore them and pump my arms more trying to get to my destination, though I'm not sure what it is, where it is or even how I'm going to get there."

-Periods are used in many languages, and are God-sent. Use them please, they exist for a reason. I just notice you do this multiple times. It's a problem. (-2)

- "I'm always trying to escape, fracture the small amount of goodness in my life." Re-word this, I have a loose idea of what you're talking about, but not really. (-1)

Character:

-This girl has a lot of self-loathing, and its kind uncomfortable for me. I've read far too many stories where the OFC hates themselves, and has a shitty sense of self-worth. It got tiring to read.

It's not so blatant in Chapter One, so I'm thankful. At least she's doing a good job narrating, so I'm content--

*Future me interrupts* I lied, she's disgusting and picks at her nails until they bleed. I'm vomiting at the image right now.

-Somehow this stalker/kidnapper werewolf guy, has managed to get fog to follow him around. 

-I already don't like him. (-2)

-I can't say much about this Dr.Kent lady. Asher doesn't like her, but there isn't much about her for the readers to formulate their own opinion on her. Meaning she is a weak character.

Dialogue:

-Your dialogue flows naturally. Thank God!!!

*Holds back tears*

-Okay, um, here are some minor corrections:

-"Her," and "She," in the sentences below shouldn't be capitalized, they aren't proper noun, and a comma isn't a period. It happens quite frequently. (-5)

Excerpt: "Asher," Her persistent sing song voice continues.

"-I'm quite impressed," She's grinning with triumph-"

-Stop doing that, it's annoying to see.

-Also, there's this part where you literally say astonishment twice. Love yourself. Just say "question out loud." (-5)

Excerpt, because I am a kind soul: "-to my utter astonishment. Her eyebrows quirk up in her own form of astonishment as well."

Inconsistencies (if any):

-Excerpt: "His pasty eyes scan mine"

Que?? I imaged a dude with no pupil, and I know I'm not the only one. I only know of three definitions for "pasty": white/pale, British pastry, or something being sticky. That needs to be fixed. (-2)

-The usage of alabaster is correct if you say colored after it, like so: "alabaster-colored fingers." Without it, it just looks like you're calling her fingers a mineral. Also, that seems ridiculously pale though, is she a vampire? If not be specific on which type it is. (-2)

I'm literally complaining about a mineral. I don't care though, this is important! *Shakes*

Writing Style:

-You're pretty good with descriptions, so yay! I think it's something a lot of people have trouble with, but you seem to manage well, so good for you.

Likes/Dislikes:

-I like that I made it past the prologue.

-I don't like that you somehow still have points......

-You're one of the few people who doesn't have trouble with tenses, so kudos to you. Even I struggle with them from time to time.

-Strangely I'm actually not bored. I'm getting suspicious of you now, but I'll let it past for the time being.

-I'm relieved that your writing isn't riddled with mistakes. You must've edited before I read this, and I know you did. *Evil smirk*

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-The first sentence in Chapter One is improper grammar.

Correction: "Are you still with me?" (-1)

-Visage? What the fuck is a visage? *Googles it* Oh.

*Sizes you*

-How fancy. (-40)      

-I'm kidding! *Whispers* this time...

- "Doctor," shouldn't be capitalized. It isn't a proper noun. (-1)

Where you need to improve:

-You do far too much telling, instead of showing what is happening, and how the character feels. It can be tough at times, but you can do it.

-Capitalization in your dialogue is a problem. I'm not sure if it is because if they're just typos, or if you're just confused about it. Dialogues are tricky, people tend to have problems with them. I did as well.

-Lord, run-on sentences.

-Have constant affairs with periods (not too much, too much of anything isn't good), commas are boring, overrated, and they aren't even that good in bed. Fuck commas!

Why/When I stopped reading: You ran out of points in the middle of Chapter Two.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get...................................

TWO CANNIBAL GUMMY BEARS!!! Only because you have a good book from what I can tell, and you just really need to edit. Also, because cannibals + gummy bears? Can it possibly get any better than that?!

I'll answer for you, No!!