Word count: 1465

Title: Crossfire

Genre: Action

Blurb: Zedo is the definition of street rat. He dodges classes and thrives in the slums of the city. His life, however, changes when is best friend, Barc, comes back from military boot camp. Barc has a new found power and a new teacher, Mr. Zanterson, starts to get involved with the two of them. With the Military after them and a rebellion looming over their home, Zedo is forced to control his powers to protect himself and his friends who are all caught in the crossfire.

Status: Ongoing

~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: Um.

I don't think I can fully trash this because it really looks like you attempted at making someone here, even though it isn't very professional looking...or good. But, it isn't terrible. No points will be taken off only because it look like you actually tried.

Summary: After reading this multiple times I've come to a conclusion that this isn't in the correct genre. It should be a fantasy, and not action. The fact that magic is involved already in the summary, made it hard to really understand how this was an action book. The summary isn't bad, but there are quite a few comma splices, run-on sentences, and sentences that need to be reworded. Also, the word "Military" shouldn't be capitalized, unless if it's the name for some place, which I doubt. I would go more in depth here, but you didn't ask for summary help.

-Any who, this was pretty decent, but nothing too great. It's doing its job fine enough, but I'm still taking off points for having so much mechanic issues. (-2)

Plot: Street rat. Powers. A generic and vague rebellion. A friend and his teacher. Crossfire.

Opening thoughts:

"I felt cold even pulling the blankets around me." Ehhhhh....?

-This is a weak opening line in my opinion. Not to mention that it reads a bit odd...is it only me? Yeah, the more I read it, the more I hate it. (-2)

-Okay, so the entire opening paragraph is boring exposition about the character not wanting to go to school. This is a cliche "MC wakes up" beginning basically. *Stares*

-After reading some more of this, it is clear that I'm bored. I'm bored of this story, of the characters, of the words on the screen, I'm bored of everything. My imaginary audience agrees with me too. Right guys?

*Audience snores*

*Stare into the camera*

Characters:

*Rubs temples*

-Um. So, the characters are "street rat" caricatures. They are already annoying and stale, yet I'm only a few paragraphs deep into the chapter.

-Zode, or Zed, or Zathura--I don't know-- is the run-of-the-mill adolescent teen in poverty, who isn't motivated, skips school on most days, and if they don't, they sleep in class. Oh, and fun fact! Zathura is the type of friend who acts like a second parent, and in this case he does it to his best friend Barckey Barc! How nice.

-Barckey Barc is six foot seven--yep, exact measurements!-- and loves to fight! Oh, this guy also beats up school cops. Wow. How nice.

-Pig. Ah, the school security guard who doesn't act like a security guard at all? Yep, he's here too! Except this one has adopted the role of the cliche school bully/patronizer instead. How nice.

*Eye twitches* (-3)

Dialogue:

-There are some weird usage of dialogue tags like, "Pig oinked-". That only made me imagine the "fat, but crazy strong" security guard randomly oinking out his sentence...which doesn't make any sense. (-2)

Inconsistencies (if any):

-This is an inconsistency pertaining in normal and natural thoughts, rather than an inconsistency in the story and plot (even though there is, but I'll get into that later).

-[Barc answers why he went to the military]

-Zedo: "I would've socked him square in the jaw for that."

?????

-That made no sense, and its only logical reason for being there is to show that this character is "tough" or maybe a terrible attempt at being funny. I really don't know what it is, but its sheer randomness is unappealing and uncalled for as a response (even thought it was in the form of a thought) to something so simple. (-3)

-Magic has yet to be mentioned in the book, and the opening scene/chapter only makes this look like it's set in our normal universe. I don't know if that's the point or not, but it's off-putting in some weird way. (-1)

-I find it hard to believe that Zode is baffled by Barc's attack on Pig when he literally states, "I've seen Barc dislocate jaws and shoulders before. Hell, I've seen him draw blood with just his punches." What is so different about Barc doing those actions than to him breaking the security guard's hand? If he's capable of the former, he'd be capable of the latter...

-The second sentence is quite redundant, by the way, since punches are no strangers to being capable of drawing blood, and if they do...it isn't very shock-worthy like the sentence suggests it is. (-3)

-Right, so, since there seems to be an emphasis that Zode doesn't care about school, isn't it strange that he hasn't been put out of school already? He doesn't seem to do any schoolwork, sleeps in class, or he just skips school altogether for some unexplained reason? Then again, this isn't set in "our" world since magic exists, and his friend (I guess) is going to obtain some powers down the road? I really don't know what this book is trying to be now that I think about it. (-5)

-Lord. Apparently Zathura had been sent to prison before too. What?!

Writing Style:

-The writing style is extremely expository, and with a constant casual tone. This can be a good or a bad thing really. Depending on the reader's preference. For me, it's as if I'm reading a wannabe screenplay writer's draft for a television show you'd find on ABC family...if the writer was still in junior high and had little experience. Very specific, I know.

-In summary, I kind of have a bad taste in my mouth. Not because it's necessarily bad, but because I have second hand embarrassment because it looks like something seventh grade me would've written. (-5)

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-You're using dashes (-) in the place of em-dashes (--). (-1)

-For the most part it's quite decent. Good for you!

Likes/Dislikes:

-I'm not enjoying myself. (-3)

-This is a weak opening chapter. (-2)

-Anyway, after reading this chapter--seems more like the opening to a bad fanfiction, or to a teen fiction than an action book?-- I've finally caught hold of some sort of true conflict in this chapter! *Audience wakes up and cheers groggily*

-Barckey Barc's "dad", Zathura, is worried about him since his trip from this military boot camp because now he's "cocky, reckless, and a thrill-seeker". These are all horrible things to Zathura--besides from the fact that it is stated/implied numerous times that they've done criminal activities with one another, and are apparently convicted felons that have gone to prison? What? I'm still confused!-- and he needs to find answers since Barckey Barc is now "violent and murderous"! Yeah... (-2)

Where you need to improve:

-Story structure, and coherency. I think you lack both of them in the first chapter alone. That's a major red alarm. I suggest going back to the drawing board.

-Rewriting your first chapter and coming up with a stronger hook to keep readers engaged. Nothing about this first chapter makes me think that there is something interesting to find in the next chapters. That is a huge issue, and something you don't want any of your readers thinking. Be sure on what you want to write about and focus on it.

-Writing original, natural, and intriguing characters. This is an important factor in keeping your readers caring about what happens in the story, and to them. None of your characters have these qualities bro. Well, at least not to me.
-Nothing really groundbreaking, this is the general things you need to have done when writing a story. If not, it isn't a story, or it isn't a well thought out one.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading at the very end of chapter one. You ran out of points.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get............................................

*Drum rolls*

WORMS IN DIRT!!!!

*Crowd raves*

It's okay though because you know what they say, "if once you don't succeed, try, try again!"

You have a lot to learn, so I hope you found something of use in this....somewhere. Cheers!

*Gallops away*