Word Count: 2186

UPDATES: The cover has changed since the review.

Title: Candy Pop Corpse

Genre: Horror

Blurb:

It's Hell on Earth for mankind when the dead start crawling back to life. Despite the chaos, orphaned siblings Jack and Lulu stuck together. When they're cornered by death, however, Jack shows just how thin his blood is by abandoning Lulu to a pack of hungry corpses.

Once they dine 'n dash, Lulu doesn't rest in peace. In fact, she awakens as one of the undead. So she sets one goal for herself: hunt down Jack and take him out for a bite. But when Lulu's one-track mind joins forces with her junk food addiction, the sweet-toothed zombie gets a little distracted along the way.

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: I really didn't like this at first, but after seeing it so many times over the past month it's grown on me, like mold. *Grimaces*

-It's cute, but I wouldn't pick it up per se. It just isn't my taste. Really, what's important is whats inside! *Does heart sign with my knobby fingers*. Anyway. No points lost.

Title: I have no idea what this means. I still wonder why this is a section that exists in these reviews. There is nothing for me to ever say unless the title is a one-word title and/or it's shit. No points lost, it has caught my attention, but only because I'm confused so don't get too cocky, Spicy. *Narrows my beady eyes at my laptop screen because, lord, is it bright!*

Blurb: Hm. Yeah, besides from a few grammatical errors, this is pretty straight. Interesting, even. Not surprising, which is annoying. The blurb is doing its job. Thank god.

Plot: A (seemingly) nice twist on the boring zombie genre with a more focused revenge mashed, with a gluttony-ridden revenge plot between two siblings. Sounds good-ish!

Opening thoughts:

-"...undead--" (-2)

-I'm tired of seeing this word in every zombie apocalypse ever. Not even TWO sentences in and I've already seen this atrocity. Challenge yourselves to refrain from using that piece of-- it isn't that serious, but still. The word "undead" and I have a long-winded backstory. Please don't ask. I'm sweating just thinking about it. Anyway, the use of this word is even more puzzling when you remember that this is written in the first person. Like, who the hell says "undead" before they call them "zombies", especially when they're right in front of them about to get devoured by said creatures? This should be in inconsistencies, but this is for real just the first paragraph. I didn't expect that, even though I should have.

*Reads the rest of the chapter in silence* *Is shook*

-Yo. This is...horrible. *Mouth is agape* (-3)

Characters:

-Jack. Our lovely antagonist in this book! He also happens to be the protagonist's sister. Oooh, a twist! And that's where it ends. Okay, I'm kind of being untruthful since he actually made me pause from reading because I was a bit taken aback by his horrendous dialogue. After my little stupor fizzled into the back of my throat (along with my vomit--kidding! I'm being dramatic) that's when my smile of amusement came. It wasn't even a laugh this time because it wasn't that mind-boggling bad, no, just embarrassing. The type of embarrassing that doesn't make your skin crawl but makes you giggle in your head. He's an actual Disney Channel villain. No wait, he's actually Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb. Still, he somehow is the only positive thing that happened. Dear god.

-Lulu. Our protagonist.

*Lulu blinks* (-5)

-Clearly, I have a slew of negative thoughts About this character, but I think it will be an overkill of "unnecessary" if I type it all out. Which is why I will do exactly that: This character is the definition of weak, especially for the one who's supposed to be carrying the story. Why do you ask? Well because after realizing her brother left her for zombie-chow, she kind of just accepts her death? This is a glaring issue because it makes you immediately question how she has lasted during this apocalypse for any time at all? She should have been dead in an instant since she lacks the basic human instinct of flight vs. fight...

-Like, there is a point where she looks up at the sky instead of looking for a way out of the situation (which is an obvious tactic to give a description of the sky, but it only took away from the situation and made the narrator, Lulu, look like a flaming dumbass. It's not even like she looked up exasperated or something; she simply "looked up"???!#%) I can write 2000 words about how garbage she is on this introduction alone, but it's 2 AM and I need to get a life. Yeah, I know that she doesn't "see the use" in trying since Jake being her only family ditched her, but that isn't an excuse. It's a cop-out.

-Anyway, this introduction did her no favors and only made the audience view her as an imbecile (unless if that's the point? But how is that going to make the readers like her enough to read her on her vengeance-driven story? She lacks any good qualities at the moment so how will any of them were also used as a strength, assuming that will be done?)? Plus, I don't buy her reaction towards this betrayal. I think she would have been stunned, her heart would've fallen out of her ass in shock and anger, then proceeding to get mauled before she could fully process it.

-The zombies. Besides the fact that I'm grateful for them eating the plastic bag, Lulu, these guys' abilities and how they were created is lost in the bucket of "shit-the-author-forgot-to-include". I have many questions; like: why are they taking so long to attack and eat this poo? Get on with it! (-2)

Dialogue:

-All that needs to be known is that its rubbish. It needs serious revision. (-2)

Inconsistencies:

*Clears throat* *Scratches head*

-Is this suppose to be a comedy? Or a satire on the Zombie genre, perhaps? Okay, I really doubt the latter. What exactly would it even be attempting to be commenting on, if that is the case? Cliches? Disney channel movies?

-Some nonsense I found throughout this chapter (the underlined areas are essentially, "???"):

-"I landed in something's arms as Jack ran past the zombies before they could blink, never looking back. The echoes of his laughter overshadowed even the groans of the dead."

*Cackles at the last part for two minutes* Jack is such a gem. Underrated queen. *Wipes away a lone tear*

-"Then another, until all of the zombies were petting me in areas I would rather not describe." [..] "I was worthless without Jack, because he always protected me." [...] "I backed into a corner when the zombies threw me into the dead end..." [...] "I sank to my knees, watching their movements with wide eyes." [...] "The zombies huddled around me, holding my body down with their weight. Something slithered down my thighs before a sharp pain made me jump." [...] "Agh," I groaned, unable to form words once more teeth, arms and tongues coated my body in a mixture of blood and saliva."

-Okay. I'm going to stop now. There's more, but I'll be here all night. Let me quickly run down my issues with all of the underlined areas in order: when Lulu gets shoved by her brother, she basically gets shoved into one of the zombie's arms. That's what the narration says. Well, a couple of sentences later Lulu has magically re-positioned herself, with no previous referencing to any other movements after getting pushed by Jack, back onto the wall. My problem isn't even with her re-positioning herself without it being shown (you can just assume that would be her next move...I suppose), that can actually be normal if it's a different situation, but she got pushed into a mob of fucking zombies. 

-How did she not get pounced on once Jack gave her that good shove? Apparently, these courteous zombies let her go so she can reap as much Drama™ from this scene as possible. They let her back up into the wall. Why would they do that?! Just eat her ass! She's right there! Another problem with them doing this, Jack's push shouldn't have done nothing to stop his ass from getting eaten. His shove is suppose to serve as a distraction for his escape, but they don't even latch onto his bait. Even if he did that, why did the zombies let one meal get away so they can just eat one chick? Do certain humans have better taste than others? Do they have "a radar" to detect this? What if their radar turned out to be wrong? Point is: his ass should have gotten eaten regardless! (Could have been a hilariously awkward scene where he fails and they both die knowing that he tried to betray her, OR they both live which is pinnacle COMEDY.) It's never specified what type of zombies these are (fast or slow), but I'm assuming they're fast since fleeing didn't even pop up into Lulu's vacant mind. She's a moron, I know this.

-Also, how the hell did Jack outrun zombies? He's apparently "so fast" that they don't even get to blink before he bolts out of there. Queen Jack is also the Flash--who would've known?! Amazing.

-If Lulu inexplicably remembers her human life (it's not even like she lapsed back into her memories; she never loses them, which is just odd and too convenient) instantly after her zombie "life" begins, does that mean that the rest of the zombies are conscious beings themselves?

-(What the fuck is going on.)

-This chick Lulu has been backed into a wall, dragged to the floor, then backed into a corner, got on her knees to give zombie oral (???), and engaged in a ritualistic zombie orgy so she can become a zompire or were-zomb. Fucking wild.

-I've had enough.

(-8)

Likes/Dislikes:

-I don't know why but chapter one gives me war flashbacks of The Kid Choice Awards' infamous slime.

-This should have been categorized as harmless humor. I haven't found any hint of horror anywhere. The gore isn't even gory either. As a humorous novel it would have fared a lot better in this review; no doubt. (-2)

-If the character's names were "Hansel and Gretel" (or, I don't know, Hans and Grace. Something?) and this was a retelling of that fairytale, WOW, would this sweet tooth plot point make more sense. It would have been tastefully clever, but nope, you missed out on a fantastic opportunity! And I usually think that most, if not all, fairytale retellings are tired and corny. (-2)

-What really broke the opening chapter is that it has an abundance of poor dialogue and not enough descriptions. The descriptions that are provided are weak, and a meatless stack of bones; precisely, four. Some dog must have gotten to them because, boy, are they scarce, or at least it seems so since they hold no presence and do not muster any type of atmosphere. The events are being told to the readers when it really needs to immerse the readers in the horror that is happening to this character, make us believe their trauma, betrayal, and in general, give a shit that her brother is a "morally corrupt individual". It is so poorly executed that I began skimming the rest of the chapter once Jack did the smart thing and fucked off into the nether regions of "I'm Not Dead". (-2)

-Jack deserves more page-time. I feel like at least half of the chapter should have been him revealing his cowardice and lack of care for Lulu, thus showing his narcissism in a better scope, and could have taken that villainy aura about him and shot it straight into the stratosphere of pure (dark) comedy. I would only continue to read this simply to see his Evil™ shenanigans unfold. A missed opportunity, once again! *Slams fist on table* (-1)

Grammar/Punctuation issues:

-Excerpt: "We were against a wall, escape blocked." There's a possessive noun (our) missing from this. Kind of a useless correction though because this sentence can be cut out all together. It was already stated that they were surrounded, which also could have been shown rather than told. *Frowns* (-1)

-Overall, it could have been worse, but it wasn't. :D

My Takeaway:

-This story still can be saved, but as it is: it's a cesspool of could-have-been's. Well, I mean chapter one, I'm over-exaggerating again.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading at the end of chapter one and all of the points left when only Lulu and the zombies filled the space of the chapter instead of the real star, Jack. Get on the winning team, boo!

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get....................................

*Drum rolls*

A DUST APOCALYPSE!

Welp then.