This chapter is unedited so expect wrong grammars and typo.

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Azulrietta's POV

I was enjoying the solace in my dreams when my clock rings indicating that I need to face the reality again. Tulala akong bumangon bago nag inat-inat ng mga braso, kung pwede lang matulog na lang at wala ng gisingan matagal ko ng ginawa.

Nang kahit papaano ay nagising na ang aking kaluluwa ay bumaba na ako ng kama upang mag toothbrush at maghilamos. I'm not really a type of girl that need to do skin care 'cause I'll confidently admit that my skin is smooth at bihira lamang tubuan ng pimples.

Hindi na ako naligo dahil naligo naman na ako kaninang madaling araw, nagsuot lamang ako ng isang baggy white trouser at mint green long sleeve pang itaas. Makayaring maiayos ang aking sarili ay lumabas na ako at sumalubong sa akin ang kabuuan ng aking clinic.

I rarely goes home, mas prefer ko pang matulog sa clinic ko kesa sa bahay.

Nang makita kong alas-siete palang ng umaga ay agad kong kinuha ang pitaka at cellphone ko ganitong oras ay sarado pa ang clinic ko kalimitan alas-otso na ako nagbubukas. My clinic is not a typical clinic it is just part of the mental institution that I built.

After working to a several hospital as a resident psychiatrist I decided to make my own mental institution para mas convinient at mas kumportable ang mga pupunta dito at gustong magpa-admit. It look small when you are outside but its spacious inside. Nakabukod ang office ko sa  mga kasama kong psychiatrist dito, we also have therapist here at halos kumpleto na ang itinayo kong institution na ito kumpara sa ibang mental institution.

As I walk on the corridor, tanging tunog ng takong ng sapatos ko lamang ang naririnig, the white wall of every corner makes me at peace but just like how everyone says, sa gitna ng successful mong buhay nakatago ang kadilimang pinagdaanaan mo para marating ang liwanag na tinatamasa mo sa ngayon.

I wonder bakit ba ang hirap para sa mga mahihirap ang maabot ang karangyaan ng buhay? Bakit kailangan lahat ng pasakit ay pagdadaaanan nila para maging successful hindi tulad ng mayayaman na nakukuha lamang nila ito ng mabilis at kaunting hirap lamang.

Nang marating ang labas ay agad akong tumawid upang bumili ng makakain sa isang 7/11 na malapit dito.

I just pick one siopao and cup noodles I also partnered it with rootbeer and water, ng makahanap ng pwesto ay agad akong kumain, habang kumakain ay nakatulala lamang ako sa labas at pinagmamasdan ang bawat daloy ng mga sasakyang nagdaraan.

Nang maubos ang pagkain ay agad akong lumabas saktong tumunog naman ang message notification ng cellphone ko kaya agad ko itong binuksan at binasa dahilan upang hindi ko mapansin ang lalaking papasok ng store at hindi sinasadyang mabunggo ko ito.

Hindi naman gaanong kalakas ang impact pero namalayan ko na lamang na nasa sahig ito.

Agad akong nag-panic at naibulsa ang cellphone para tulungan ito. The man was wearing a cap that cover his face, tanging labi lamang nito ang nakikita ko, he's also wearing a white hoodie partnered with black tattered jeans.

"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" I was panicking but the man just shrugged me and came inside the store without looking at me I find it weird and was about to follow him but my phone rang, wala akong choice kung hindi sagutin ito.

"Hello?" I said while my eyes locked at the man inside the store.

"Hello, is this Azulrietta Sylvan?" Naalis ang tingin ko sa lalaki ng banggitin ng nasa kabilang linya ang apelyidong iyon. Mabilis na nagdilim ang paningin ko kaya mabilis ko itong pinatay.

By just a mere mention of that cursed surname brings a lot of unwanted memories that I never want to reminisce again.

I immediately go back to my clinic due to my mood, nakasimangot at hindi maipinta ang mukha ko sa gigil dahil sa tawag na iyon.

Nang makapasok sa clinic ay sinalubong ako ng preskong amoy ng aking clinic. My clinic is not that big its only compose of 2 shelf for my books and reports that was placed at the back of my table and gray sofa set at the front-side of it. I just add a touch of plants and flowers to make it a little lively.

Ang buong maghapon na iyon ay iginugol ko sa pagbabasa ng mga reports from other psychiatrist here sa mga admitted patient namin and time to time I also assist some nurse who cannot calm their patient.

My whole days were filled with work, its already nine in the evening when I finish all of my things, pagod akong humilita sa kama matapos kong hubadin ang coat ko, I didn't have time to sleep in comfortable position because darkness already ate me.

I was wondering, do a person feel satisfied on hurting themself to escape the reality? Ano bang feeling? I want to know it badly, I want to know why do they keep on hurting themself and worse ending their life. I want to know why my mother love to cut her wrist every night, I wanted to try it but she kept on stopping me.

I have this urge to try it myself so maybe I can understand why my mother did it but everytime I'll hold the knife my hand will tremble and suddenly all I know is I'm crying. Kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko masaktan yong sarili ko, kahit anong pag-uudyok sa sarili ko I just can't do it, so I was wondering why do my mother do it without hesitation, unlike me?

"Ma, please naman tigilan mo na, pwede mo naman akong kausapin eh, you can count on me, so please itigil mo na," I was here in front of my mother pleading and begging her to let go of the cutter on her hands.

Hindi ko na makilala ang mama ko, eversince my father left us at sumama sa ibang babae naging ganito ang mama ko. She became suicidal, she's always anxious and prefer to be in her room all day.

I took all of her responsibilities, I'm just a highschool students but I have to take care of my two siblings, I give up my care free life to secure this family, I handle five jobs for us to be able to eat pero ang hirap pala, akala ko noon madali lang akala ko kakayanin ko pero sino bang niloko ko? How can a mere high school student take it?

My bloodshot eyes focused on my mom who's emotionless staring at my wrist, "Go mom, do it on mine too, let me feel what satisfaction you did get from hurting yourself! Mom, please knock on your sense! Ikaw na lang ang aasahan namin, iniwan na tayo ni Papa pero bakit pakiramdam namin iniwan mo na rin kami?! Parang awa mo naman oh, Ma itigil mo na please naman, kahit para sa mga kapatid ko na lang!"

I don't want to yell at her pero gusto kong maintindihan niya! Iniwan kami ni Papa I understand it pero hindi pa katapusan ng mundo, she still have us!

After that incident, I collected all sharp tools that I can see and hide it in my room, scared that while I'm not at home she will finally end her life.