CHAPTER 11: …TOO, ELIJAH

“That time, I wasn’t still in love with Lance…” Pag-amin ko rito. I don’t know how we keep up from walking with other mountaineering with the conversation we’re having right now. It’s too heavy that I think it’s not the right time and place we should talk about this. Nevertheless, given the circumstances we have, I still continue, “…I even slapped him for kissing me.”

Nakita ko sa peripherals ko na natigilan siya sa sinabi ko pero nagpatuloy pa rin kami sa paglalakad. I wanted to be honest with him. Gusto kong malaman niya ang side ko noong araw na tinalikuran niya ako. Siguro kasi ramdam ko na we both want to know how we end up like this. We both want to clear things out. At isa pa, siya na rin ang nag-umpisa na muling buksan ang nakaraan, so I don’t see any reason why I should keep things like that to him.

“I…I didn’t…saw that…” Confusion was written all over his face.

“Yeah…dahil nga sabi mo, you instantly turned your back…so I guess you really hadn’t seen that.” I smiled halfheartedly. “…But anyway, as I was saying, that night…when Lance kissed me…was the night I turned him down.” Halos pabulong kong sabi.

“…He confessed to me saying that he loves me. But since I was still in love with you back then, I can’t return his love for me. I didn’t directly say it to him. But he knew it.” I continued. “…Sabi niya pa sa akin noon, okay lang kung hindi ko siya kayang mahalin basta hayaan ko lang daw siya na ipakita kung gaano ako kahalaga sa kanya. I tried to stop him. I didn’t want him to undergo in that misery. I didn’t want him to suffer. But still, he did it.” Malungkot kong sabi. Looking back, hindi ko maiwasan ang hindi sisihin ang sarili ko for making Lance went through that. I knew no one has to blame but still I felt guilty towards him. I somehow blamed myself for giving him so much pain.

Nakita kong napailing siya sa sinabi ko at napapikit ng mariin, “So…this was all a misunderstanding…” He whispered.

Tumango ako sa kanya at ngumiti ng mapakla, “Yeah…Misunderstanding plus cowardice is equal to total wreck.” Tama naman ako hindi ba? We misunderstood each other…we’d been both coward…so the result? We both suffered.

Pareho kaming natahimik pagkatapos noon. Ramdam kong pareho kaming nahulog sa malalim na pag-iisip dahil sa pinag-usapan namin. Hindi nga namin namalayan na sa paglalakad namin ay narating na namin ang ikalawang stop over kung hindi lang namin narinig ang pagsigaw at pagkamangha ng mga kasama namin ng matanaw nila ang sapa.

Napabitaw ako sa pagkakahawak ko kay Elijah at napalapit roon dahil sa sobrang pagkamangha ko rito. Napakalinis ng tubig na parang mahihiya ang dumi na lumangoy roon. Binasa ko ang kamay ko at naramdaman ko ang mabining lamig ng tubig. Napangiti ako habang inililibot ko ang paningin sa paligid. Kahit nag-aagaw na ang takip silim ay kita pa rin ang kagandahan ng lugar kung nasaan kami ngayon.

Maya-maya’y naramdaman ko ang pagtabi ni Elijah sa akin.

“You like it?” Nakangiting tanong niya sa akin habang mataman akong pinagmamasdan.

Nakangiting tumango ako rito bilang tugon.

“Alam mo ba nung una kong punta rito, I was wishing you were here with me to see this place. Alam ko kasi na magugustuhan mo ito because I know how you love the wonders of nature.” Nakangiting sabi niya at inilagay niya rin ang kamay sa tubig. Muli akong napangiti sa tinuran niyang iyon. Natutuwa akong malaman na hindi niya pa rin pala nakakalimutan ang mga hilig ko.

“Nonetheless, we’re both here already so I guess your wish has been granted…late nga lang.” Natatawang sabi ko.

“Yeah…at least, natupad. So I should be grateful, though.” Natatawang sabi niya rin.

I am starting to love the atmosphere Elijah and I have as of this moment. It’s as if we came back to the time when we used to laugh carefree before all those ­shits happen. I don’t know why but talking and laughing with him right now gives me such unexplainable bliss. Maybe because we’re already trying to clear things out that happened three years ago and catch things up. Or maybe because I just simply miss this. Miss him.

We were both laughing and joking to each other ng bigla kaming natigilan ng marinig naming magsalita ang isa sa mga kasama naming tour guide.

“Everyone, this is where we’re going to sleep and rest since it is dark already. You can put up your tent now, eat your dinner and rest. But please be reminded that you have to be ready tomorrow at exactly 3am so that we can reach the peak of this mountain before the sun rises. I want you all to see how beautiful the sun when it rises on the top tomorrow, okay?” Nakangiting sabi ng tour guide.

Nakita kong lahat ay enthusiastic na nagsipagtanguan sa kanya at matapos nun ay nagsikilos na para ayusin ang magiging tulugan nila ngayong gabi. Patayo na rin ako ng bigla akong may maalala.

“Shit!” I cursed when I realized my situation.

“Problem?” Nakakunot noong tanong sa akin ni Elijah habang matamang tinitingnan ako.

Hindi ako sumagot sa kanya bagkus ay napakagat labi ako sa inis. Shoot, where the hell I’m going to sleep?! Naalala kong dala-dala nga pala ni Monique yung tent dahil napagdesisyunan namin kagabi na magshare na lang kami para bawas dalahin. Now, since she went down this mountain along with the tent, saan ako matutulog? I sighed.

“Hey Heather, you okay?” Naramdaman ko ang paghawak ni Elijah sa balikat ko kaya tiningnan ko siyang muli. Kunot na kunot pa rin ang noo niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

“Y-yeah…it’s just that…it’s just that…I don’t have a tent because Monique brought it. And now, I don’t know where I’m going to sleep.” Napapakagat labi at nahihiyang turan ko rito.

I saw him smile widely and said, “You can share with me.”

Pakiramdam ko ay natuyuan ako ng laway sa narinig kong iyon. Also, I suddenly felt like something stirred up in my stomach and became anxious with his suggestion.

‘Me and him in one tent?’  I mentally shook my head. Bakit ba ganito yung nararamdaman ko sa offer niya? It’s not as if we hadn’t slept together back then.

“C’mon Heather. Huwag ka ng mag-isip. If you’re thinking of rejecting my offer and sleep outside the tent, well I’m telling you, I won’t allow you. Mamaya mapano ka pa. Isa pa, malaki naman ang tent na dala ko. Kasya tayong dalawa roon.” Sabi niya ng hindi ako kumibo sa sinabi niya kanina. Tiningnan ko siyang mabuti and I saw concern and sincerity in his eyes. I sighed again. I guess I am left with no choice but to sleep with him.

“F-fine. Well, t-thank you…” Nasambit ko na lang at mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. Naramdaman ko kasi na nag-iinit na naman yung pisngi ko at ayaw kong makita niya iyon. Pahakbang na sana ako palayo sa kanya ng maramdaman kong hinawakan niyang muli ang kamay ko kaya naman napalingon ako rito.

“It is me who should be saying thank you.” Nakangiting sabi niya, “Thank you, Heather…”

Kung nakikita ko lang ang sarili ko ngayon, for sure my cheeks is super red. Hindi ko man alam kung bakit siya nagpapasalamat, ramdam kong parang kiniliti na naman yung puso ko sa sinabi niyang iyon.

“L-let’s put up the tent?” Matipid na ngumiti ako sa kanya sabay iwas ng tingin.

“Okay.” Nanatiling nakangiti pa ring sagot niya sa akin.

Naglakad na kaming pareho habang magkahawak pa rin ng kamay at naghanap ng pwesto kung saan pwede i-set up ang tent. Nang makakita kami ay siya na ang nag-ayos noon samantalang ako naman ang naghanda ng hapunan namin.

“Sarapan mo yang luto ha? Ngayon ko na lang ulit matitikman ang luto mo eh.” Nakangising sabi niya sa akin habang inaayos ang tent.

Nilingon ko naman siya at tumawa ng malakas, “Really, Elijah? Luto talaga? Eh puro naman canned goods yung dala natin eh tsaka cup noodles so kanin na lang talaga ang lulutuin ko.” Natatawang sabi ko at matapos nun ay sinet up ko ang mini stove na paglulutuan ng kanin.

“Edi yung kanin na lang. Sarapan mo yung pagsaing ng kanin. Kailangan extraordinary yan.” He laughed.

“Extraordinary? Sure. Sasahugan ko ng mga sanga tsaka bato yung kanin para maging extraordinary. “I grinned after teasing him.

“Sure. Just make sure, I’ll still be alive after eating that.” Nangingiting napailing na lang ako sa mga kalokohan naming ni Elijah. We continued teasing and laughing hanggang sa matapos siyang magset up ng tent at makakain kami ng dinner. Matapos nun ay napagdesisyunan namin na gumawa ng maliit na bonfire katulad ng ibang kasamahan namin.

We sat beside each other while looking at the stars.

“Woah! Ang ganda!” Di ko mapigilang sabi habang nakatitig sa langit na punong puno ng bituin. Bigla ko tuloy naalala nung nagpunta kami ng boracay noon para sa ‘honeymoon’ namin ay napakaraming bituin din doon na nagawa ko pang magconnect the dots.

“Yeah…Beautiful…” Narinig kong sabi niya kaya naman nilingon ko ito. Nagulat na lang ako ng marealize kong hindi sa langit nakatingin si Elijah kung hindi sa akin. Pakiramdam ko muling nag-init na naman yung mukha ko kaya naman dali-dali akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya.

We both fell into silence after that at pareho na lang kaming nakatingin sa bonfire na ginawa namin. Maya-maya’y inilibot ko ang tingin ko and that’s when I realized na kami na lang pala ang nasa labas ng tent at gising pa. Gusto ko na sana rin siyang ayain na matulog na kaso bigla akong nakaramdam ng hiya.

“Do you know when was the happiest day of my life?” I looked at him matapos niyang basagin ang nakakabinging katahimikan na bumalot sa aming dalawa.

“When?” I murmured while still looking at him.

“My happiest was when our wedding day.” Nakangiting sabi niya. My heart literally skipped a beat after hearing those words. “…I know it was only a fixed marriage…a marriage for convenience…or should I say a fake marriage since it wasn’t filed but still, I want to tell you that I was the happiest man in the world when you agreed in marrying me. Kahit na akala ko noon ay wala kang nararamdaman sa akin, I’m still happy that you let me become your husband even if…even if it was just for a short period of time.” Hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at mataman akong tiningnan, “I love you Heather and that’s all that matters to me.”

A tear escaped from my eyes after hearing those words. It’s as if something shoot me in my heart. Dali-dali akong lumapit sa kanya at bigla ko na lang siyang niyakap ng mahigpit at umiyak.

“Hey, d-don’t cry Heather…” Narinig kong sabi niya at masuyo niyang hinalikan ang buhok ko. He caressed my back while I still continued weeping. “…Don’t cry baby…I love you.”

Now, after all the talking that we had, after his confession days ago, after learning the truth, I realized something that I was denying to myself long time ago. Tama nga si Monique. I guess I’m just too scared again to be hurt by him that’s why I still continue saying to myself that I don’t love him anymore and I’ve already moved on.

Now I also understand why I always feel confused with my feelings after learning all that…It’s because I still love him.

“I…love you too, Elijah.”

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