A Child's Doubts

Leo was following Sensei around the kitchen, going on and on about something-or-other. Sensei was smiling. Slowly, timidly, he pulled on his father's robe. Master Splinter looked down at him with a gentle, but warning gaze. "Raphael, do not interrupt."

Disheartened he turned away and left the kitchen. He saw Donnie in the corner doing something to the toaster. "Hey Donnie, wanna see what I made?" He asked hopefully.

Donatello shook his little head from side to side. "Sorry Raph, I'm right in the middle of this. I'll come by later."

Raph sighed. With Donnie, later always ended up being never. It wasn't Donnie's fault. He would say later, but when later came around he'd get distracted and head off to do something else. Raph turned and headed down the hall to his room. On the way he passed Mikey's door. He peeked in.

Mikey was on the bed playing with his action figures. Oh well, he probably wouldn't have been interested anyway.

The little turtle returned to his room and shut the door. He looked down at the heavy, slightly bent piece of metal laying in the center of the room.

He had found it out in the sewer tunnels a few weeks earlier and forced Leo to help him carry it back to the lair. It was pretty. A lot cleaner than the things they usually found in the sewer, and even though it was thin, it had weighed too much for him to carry it all by himself. He'd made Leo promise not to tell Master Splinter about it. Then he'd gotten to work. He quickly discovered that his normal markers didn't work very well on the metal. But when he tried permanent marker it worked a lot better. The only permanent marker he had was black, but he decided it would have to do. There was a wall in the main room that was blank and that was where Sensei displayed all of their drawings. But Raph didn't want to just make a drawing. He wanted to make the biggest and best drawing ever. So he got to work. He drew his entire family, including himself. Then he stepped back and looked at it. It looked good, but without color it felt like it was missing something. And that was when he'd looked in his box of art related things and saw the superglue. He smiled.

It had taken him a whole week of scavenging to find everything that he needed. He even found an extra tube of superglue, which was an added bonus. Once he had everything he'd gotten back to work on his masterpiece. He used slivers of wood and cardboard to make the first letter of each of their names. He painted them red, orange, blue and purple. He painted Master Splinter's capital s white. He wanted to paint it red, but he didn't think his brothers would like that. Once all the paint was dry, he carefully glued the correct letter above each of them. The superglue had dried really quickly and he'd rushed off to tell Master Splinter, but everyone was busy.

So here he was, back in his room with his masterpiece, alone. He sighed. If only there was someone to show it to. He carefully tip-toed around it and climbed up onto the end of his bed. He stared down at it. Oh well, I'll try again later. He thought to himself as he rolled over and fell asleep.

Later that night, after they'd eaten dinner and Sensei had put them to bed, Raphael got up and went cautiously to his Father's room. He peeked in and saw Splinter meditating. He gulped and knocked softly on the doorframe to get the rat's attention. Splinter opened his eyes and sighed, turning to face the door and Raphael. "Raphael, it is well past your bedtime and you know not to interrupt my meditation."

Lowering his head, he timidly responded, "Can I show you something, Father?"

He received a stern glare. "No, you may not. Please go back to bed, Raphael."

Suddenly, Raph was desperate. "Please? I tried to ask you earlier but you were talking to Leo and you told me not to interrupt. Well, I didn't interrupt! Please, let me show it to you?"

Splinter sighed and bent down on one knee to look his son in the eyes. "Raphael, if you return to bed now, I will let you show me in the morning."

"Promise?" He asked, his big green eyes shining.

The rat mutant nodded, indulgently. "Yes, I promise."

The next morning Raph woke up with a smile on his face. He rushed into the main room. There were sounds coming from the kitchen. He ran as fast as his short little legs could carry him. Sensei was alone in the kitchen. Good. Raph wanted to show it to his Father first anyway.

Raph went over and tugged insistently on Splinter's robe, trying to lead him away. And the old rat was by no means pleased. "Raphael, I am right in the middle of preparing breakfast!"

The mutant child's bright cheerful smile vanished. He was confused. Father had said in the morning. Father had promised. He pouted, both hurt and angered by Splinter's attitude. He tugged at Splinter's robe again, this time more insistently.

Splinter was thoroughly annoyed. "Raphael, I am busy! Please, go sit quietly at the counter with your brothers."

Raph did as Splinter said, noticing that his brothers were now in their customary places at the counter and were staring at him. He glared at them and stomped over to the counter, jumping up onto his seat. He crossed his arms and lay his head down on the countertop, scowling angrily off into space. Busy. He hated busy. Splinter was always busy. He's always too busy, always. He breathed deeply as his eyes began to water. Always too busy for me. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand before anyone could notice.

Little did he know, someone had noticed. From Raphael's left, a pair of big, blue eyes were watching him worriedly. Slowly, the eyes moved off Raph to their Father. Why was Raphie so angry? What did Sensei do? Yeah, he'd yelled, but Raph wouldn't be that mad at Sensei just for yelling, would he?

Raph silently ate his breakfast while his brothers chatted incessantly. He finished first and took his dish in to set it on the counter by the sink. His brothers followed soon after and Sensei also joined them. They stood in a straight line, awaiting Splinter's dismissal. He nodded at them. "You are dismissed."

Mikey and Donnie went running off before the sentence was even finished, while Leo hesitated a moment before slowly leaving the room. Raphael lingered. He approached and Sensei looked coldly at him. "Raphael, if you try to forcibly drag me off again I shall give you a time out. Not only is it rude, but it is ill-mannered to act in such a way." He scolded.

Raph bowed his head and said nothing. On the inside, he was crushed. Why was it that every time Sensei looked at him it was in a bad way? And why did Sensei's voice always sound soft when speaking to the others and so hard when speaking to him? What did they have that he didn't? What was wrong with him? Was he really that bad? Did Father not like him?

"Go play with your brothers. You and I will speak more about this later."

Later? Speak more later? That meant Father was really upset with him. His eyes began to water as he turned around and shuffled out of the room. Why couldn't he ever do anything right? He hadn't meant to upset Sensei. He'd just been excited. And Father had promised. He'd promised. He'd promised.

Raph bit his lip. As soon as he'd made it out the kitchen door he ran to his room as fast as he could. Leo tried to stop him, but he'd just wiggled away from his older brother and sprinted away. He was too upset to realize that Leo had seen the tears running down his face and spilling from his eyes. He slammed the door to his room, which Sensei would probably yell at him for later, but he didn't care. Sensei didn't care about him, why should he care about Sensei?

He stared down at the big piece of metal. He glared at it angrily. Part of him wanted to destroy it, to tear it to pieces, but he couldn't do it. Just like he couldn't hate Sensei. He loved Sensei. He loved his father, Splinter. But why, oh, why didn't Splinter love him? He always tried to do everything right. He really did. But he always got scolded for doing it wrong, even when he thought he was doing it right. Sensei had once said that everything was as the universe intended it to be. Had the universe decided that he would be wrong? Had it decided that he could never be right? His big green eyes filled with even more tears. He climbed into bed and pulled his covers up around him, tucking himself in. His little body was shaking. He grabbed his pillow out from under his head and wrapped his arms tightly around it, burrowing his face into its softness. If only the pillow could hug him back...

He cried and cried and cried. The pillow was wet with tears. His eyes hurt. He cried himself to sleep. When he woke up, he hugged the pillow to his chest with all his strength. Maybe now, he thought, maybe now Splinter will come. He'll come and I'll show him and he'll love me.

Raphael wiped his face and slowly left his room. As soon as he stepped inside the main room he was pounced upon by a very hyper Mikey. "Raphie! You sleepyhead! You napped all day!"

"It's only been a couple hours, Mikey." Don pointed out from the background.

Mikey pouted at Donnie and turned back to Raph. "Come and play with me!"

"Mikey, I was gonna—"

"Don't say no! Please, please, please Raphie? Donnie's a big meanie and he won't play! Please, please, say yes?"

Reluctantly, Raph rubbed the back of his neck. Mikey was hard to say no to. "Why don't you ask Leo?"

"Leo's out scavenging with Sensei! Please, please Raphie, please?" Mikey's baby-blue eyes were huge and watering.

But Raph wasn't paying attention to that. His chest hurt. "Sensei went out with Leo?" He failed to conceal the hurt in his voice. Leo was always with Sensei. Raphael had to fight to get the slightest second of his father's attention and Leo didn't even have to ask for it. It was so unfair. What made Leo so special? What made Leo so perfect? Raph hung his head. Leo was Splinter's favorite.

"Yeah." Don confirmed. He frowned at the hint of sadness in Raph's voice and posture. "You okay, Raphie?"

Raph jerked away from his brother's reach. "I'm fine." He forced a smile. "What did you wanna play, Mikey?"

Donatello frowned and watched as his little brother dragged Raphael away.

Leo and Sensei didn't return until it was almost dinnertime. As Splinter prepared their worms and algae, Leo looked over at his little brothers. Mikey and Donnie were chatting away about some game or other, but Raph was silent. Leo's bottom lip pushed out. Raphael was sitting on the opposite side of the table from him, and was staring down at the tabletop. Thankfully, Raph's distraction meant Leo's intense glances went unnoticed. Raph was clearly still upset. But instead of anger, he was now displaying sadness.

Sensei came over with their plates, but Leo kept his eyes on Raph. Splinter put a plate in front of him, then Donnie, then Mikey and finally Raph. Raph looked up at Sensei as he put the plate down. It was a painful, pleading, desperate look. Father wasn't looking, and didn't see it. But Leo did. Leo saw. He alone saw the tears in Raph's eyes, he felt the pain of the rejection. He couldn't let Raphie be sad. He couldn't let that look stay on his younger brother's face. He nudged Raph's foot under the table. Raph looked up. Leo sent his sibling a challenging smirk. Raph scowled furiously and Leo was confused. Why was Raph angry at him?

Raph, suddenly feeling the need to escape, pushed the plate in front of him away and announced loudly, "I'm not hungry."

Splinter sighed and put down his fork. "You can eat with us, Raphael, or you can go to bed."

Raph stood. "I'll go to bed then." He said stiffly, rapidly disappearing out the kitchen door.

Donnie, Mikey and Leo stared after him, shocked. The rest of dinner passed in silence. Leonardo ate quickly, planning to go to Raph's room as soon as he was finished. Splinter dismissed them all, but before Leo could run off, the old rat grabbed his shoulder. "Do not worry about Raphael, my son. It is just a tantrum. Please spend some time with your brothers, I will speak to Raphael in the morning."

Leo nodded, but as soon as he was out of the kitchen he frowned. He knew what Raphie's tantrums were like. This wasn't a tantrum. Raphie was hurting. His brother needed him. But he could feel Splinter's eyes watching him. He'd have to do what Sensei had asked first.

That night, after Splinter had put them all to bed, and once he was sure that Donnie and Mikey were asleep, Leo snuck down the hall into Raph's room. He crept up to Raph's bed and smiled as he saw that the red-masked turtle was sleeping. But his smile quickly turned into a frown. Raphie's cheeks were wet and his pillow was soaked. Tears came to his own eyes. Raphie had been crying. Raphie had been crying alone. For who knows how long. A soft whimper made Leo look down at his brother's face. Raph's eyes were closed and he was asleep, but he looked like he was in pain.

"No! No please! Don't leave me! I don't want to be alone! Please! I love you! Don't leave me!"

Leo sprang into action. He pushed his way into bed beside his struggling brother and held Raph still, cooing and shushing softly, wrapping his sibling tightly in his arms. "Sh...Raphie...it's okay...I'm here. Leo's here, it's okay."

Raph's eyes opened slowly and initially he clung to his older sibling, but when he realized who it was he began to shake and he rolled over to turn his carapace to Leonardo. "No. Go away Leo. Leave me alone."

"Never." Leo responded, grabbing onto Raph from behind. "You'll never be alone, Raphie. Not while I'm around."

"No! I don't want you! You don't understand! You'll never understand. He loves you! You're his favorite!"

This time when Raph wrenched away Leo let go, staring with wide eyes. "Raph...are you talking about Father?" He asked, shocked.

"Master Splinter." Raph said with a sniffle.

"Master Splinter is our father." Leo said, slowly rubbing Raph's arm with one hand. He was confused and he didn't understand why Raph was so upset.

"Your father."

"Our Father." Leo corrected, rubbing Raph's shell slowly. "He loves all of us, Raph. Just because he yelled at you today doesn't mean—"

"But he always yells at me, Leo! I'm not like you. I can't do right."

"Of course you can! Remember that time you made Sensei that little bird statue?"

Raph did his best to push his older brother's hands away and to hold back his snivels. "That was a long time ago." Suddenly he burst out into tears and couldn't take it anymore. He rolled over and flung himself into Leo's arms. "That was before he stopped loving me!" He wailed.

"Sh...Raph, hush. Sensei still loves you."

"No he doesn't!" Raph whimpered, curling up against Leo's plastron.

Leo rubbed his brother's shell and waited, knowing that Raph would tell him everything sooner or later.

"Remember the metal?" Came the soft whisper.

Pulling back a little to see Raph's face, he nodded. "The one I helped you carry in here?"

Raph nodded meekly. "I-I made something for Sensei." His young green eyes brightened and he stared at Leo, daring to hope. "Ya wanna see?" His little heart swelled as Leo nodded and a small smile graced his lips. "Can you help me pull it out? I put it under the bed."

Leo helped Raph and it was out from under the bed a few seconds later. Raph set his jack o' lantern on the floor so that it was easier to see the details of the drawing. A bright smile spread across Leo's face.

"Do you like it?" Raph asked doubtfully.

A playful hand punched Raph's shoulder. "It's so cool! Sensei's gonna love it, Raph!"

Tears returned to Raph's eyes and the little turtle bowed his head. Leo frowned. Raph kicked the floor awkwardly. "He's not gonna see it, Leo."

"What do you mean? You've got to show it to him, Raph! He'll really like it!"

The younger turtle burst out into tears. "I tried Leo! I tried so hard! I tried to tell him but he yelled at me! And then he was with you scavenging! And now he's mad at me! He hates me, Leo! You should have seen his face!"

Leo softly put a hand on Raph's shoulder. "Raphie, that was because you tried to pull him at breakfast, not because he didn't want to see it."

More tears filled Raph's eyes and it was making Leo tear-up too. "But he promised Leo! He promised me! He promised." Raph was absolutely anguished, he dropped to his knees and wept.

Slowly, slightly confused, Leo dropped down beside him, his mind repeatedly mulling over his brother's words. "What do you mean, Raphie?" He asked with a whisper.

"I went to see Sensei last night, after you guys were asleep. He promised me that I could show him in the morning. He promised Leo. He promised."

"And so you were trying to..." It was all starting to make sense. Raph's behavior at breakfast, Sensei's reaction, Raph's hurt. All of it made sense.

"He'd promised. I just wanted to show him. But he got mad at me. He yelled. I tried again after breakfast..."

"I know." Leo said quietly, pulling his younger brother into his arms once more. He'd noticed that Raph had lingered after they had been dismissed. He'd waited right outside the door and he'd heard what Sensei had said.

"He was so disappointed in me, Leo. All I'd wanted was to show him. That was all. And now he doesn't love me anymore." Raph had long ago lost control of his tears. They came freely, running rapidly down his cheeks. "He doesn't love me and he's going to send me away! He's going to leave me out in the sewers alone and I'll never find you again! I don't want to be alone, Leo! Don't let him leave me! Promise! Promise you won't let him send me away!"

Leonardo crushed Raph to his plastron in a vice-like hug. "I promise. I'll always be with you, Raph. You'll never be alone. Never. I love you, Raphie."

"So do we."

They looked up, startled, and found that Donnie and Mikey were standing just inside the door. "How long have you been there?" Leo asked.

"Long enough to know what's wrong with Raphie." Donnie answered.

Mikey was standing slightly behind, but he pushed forward and rushed over to Raph's side, pressing himself against his older brother's plastron. "I love you, Raphie." He whimpered, clinging like an octopus to Raph.

Raph smiled, tears of relief spilling down his cheeks as his brothers wrapped him in a group hug. "I love you too." He choked out, his throat sore from sobbing.

Mikey pulled back a little and sent wide, pained looks at his siblings. "Why would Sensei break his promise to Raphie? And why would he be so mean?"

Leo stood, determined. "Let's go ask him."

Raph's green eyes were wide and fearful. "Leo, no! He'll get mad!"

"I don't care if he gets mad with me. I'm mad at him, too." The blue-masked turtle said sternly. He marched to the door and his three younger brothers scurried after him. They all tensed as Leo crossed the dojo and pounded on Splinter's door.

Splinter appeared at the door and looked down at his eldest son. "Is something wrong, Leonardo?"

A hurt sob escaped Raph before he could stop it. Donnie and Mikey saw the tears in his eyes and wrapped their arms around him. He took little comfort from it. Sensei's voice when he addressed Leonardo was so different from the voice Sensei had used with him last night. Right now it was so soft, so understanding and then it was stern and reprimanding. Splinter really didn't love him. He keened and fell to the floor, once again unable to stop the tears.

Splinter pushed past Leo and rushed across the dojo. "Raphael!" He yelled, suddenly filled with concern. He tried to reach his hysterical child's side, but Donatello and Michelangelo stepped in front of their brother.

"Don't touch him!" Mikey said, his voice shaking with nervousness and possibly fear.

"You don't deserve him!" Donnie yelled, angrily, though there were tears in his eyes.

The rat mutant stared in confusion and worry at his sons' behavior. He slowly reached between them, trying to get to Raphael.

"No! You'll never take him away from us!" Michelangelo shouted, shoving Splinter's hand away.

"Take him away from—" His voice faded away. He was lost in a sea of confusion. "My sons, what are you talking about?"

Leonardo slowly came around to stand in front of his Sensei, placing one of his hands on Raph's shoulder to let his brother know he was there. He stood with his back straight and his eyes narrowed. "If you do not love my brother, Father, then you can't love me."

"Leonardo..." Sensei's voice shook. "What—"

"You promised him, Splinter. You promised. And then you didn't let him show you." Leo said, tears starting to fill his eyes. "You yelled at him! And you punished him for being mad! But it was your fault! It was your fault father! You were mean to him all day! That's not fair. It's not fair that Raphie got blamed for something you did wrong! And it isn't fair of you to stop loving him because of it!" He shouted.

Splinter was in shock. A promise? What promise? Suddenly, Raph's voice from the night before echoed in his ears:

'You promise?'

'I promise, Raphael.'

Then he remembered just what he had promised. And Leonardo's words fell into place. He had punished Raphael for his own mistake not only that, but he had been very terse with the child all day. He had just assumed that Raphael was having a tantrum. But his assumption had been very, very wrong. And now, Raphael thought...

The rat's heart turned to water as he looked down at his grief-stricken child, sobbing with abandon in his brothers' arms. Splinter cried too. His turtles were all still very small and he was easily able to brush Leonardo away and to gently shove Donatello and Michelangelo away from Raphael's sides. He lifted Raphael up out of their grasp.

"No!" They cried, tears running down their faces.

Raphael, who felt himself being lifted, opened his eyes and stared at his father. He was absolutely terrified. He tried to wriggle away, but Sensei was holding firm.

Seeing the horror in his son's eyes made Splinter's heart shatter. "Raphael..." he whispered, "it's alright, my son, it's alright. Do not fear. Please, please, do not fear me. I love you so much, my child. I am so sorry. I did not intend to hurt you. Please, my sweet, loving child. Please forgive me!" He pulled Raphael in and pressed the little turtle against his chest. He felt Raphael cling to him and start crying anew. He smiled and kissed the child's head endearingly. His fingers gently stroked the strong carapace, comfortingly. "I love you more than this world, my son. You will always be my little Raphael, my little ninja. I have loved you from the moment you came to be and I will love you long after I am gone. You and your brothers are the light of my life and I would gladly give it to keep you safe."

"I love you too, Daddy." Raphael whimpered, tucking his head into his father's neck.

Splinter set Raphael down and saw that his three other sons were staring blankly at them. He smiled and opened his arms. They were soon filled with four little turtle tots. "My sons." He sighed contently.

Raph was the last pull away from the hug, when he finally did, he took Splinter's hand, which made the rat mutant smile. Slowly and nervously he looked up at Sensei. "Father?"

"Yes, my son?"

"May I please show you something?" Raph was shaking like a leaf.

Master Splinter smiled and bent down to kiss Raphael on the head. "Of course you may, my child."

Leo, Donnie, and Mikey smiled. Raphael led the way to his room.

Donnie turned on the lights as Raph led Splinter over to the foot of the bed. They stopped in front of the piece of sheet metal. Splinter stared, he dropped to his knees and inspected the drawing. Then he looked up at the letters, which were very well-shaped. "Raphael, this is what you've been trying to show me?" He asked softly.

The young turtle nodded his head, nervously. "Do you like it?"

Splinter stared down at the painting once again then over at his son's eager and worried face. He smiled and bowled the little turtle over so that Raphael landed plastron-up. He tickled his son's sides viciously, making Raphael shriek with laughter. "I love it Raphael! I will be sure to put it up on the wall, but not until I'm done here."

Raph cried out, joyously. Splinter smiled and looked over at his other sons, "But I think this could get even better results if I had a little help."

Mikey beamed and jumped over to Raph's side, slipping his little fingers into the sides where Splinter couldn't reach. Meanwhile, Donatello knocked Leo over and began tickling his big brother. Splinter saw this and immediately used his other hand on his eldest son.

Once the tickle war was finally over, they all collapsed in a big happy pile of exhaustion. Four little turtles curled up in the arms of their loving father. Raphael smiled, his eyes watering, this time with joy. He was surrounded by his brothers and snuggled up against his father's furry chest. There was nothing better than that. His heart was warm.

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