1996;

I paced around my bathroom holding the stupid stick in my hands. It had been minutes, hours, years...I had no idea. The second I saw the result, I lost all track of time. It's Christmas Eve, there are at least a good fifty people or more downstairs laughing and drinking. It's what the season's about- togetherness. But there was one person missing. He didn't call, he didn't write. I think I've lost him forever.

I look up into the mirror and my eyes are so red and puffy, my makeup is pouring down my face. I throw the test in the bin and sit on the closed lid of the toilet, head in my hands.
"At least I'll always have a piece of him in you, my sweet miracle" I tell the life growing within me. "I will always protect you and love you. I will never let you down" There is a knock on the bathroom door. I wipe away the signs of my tears and exit, rejoining the party below.

----

The holidays came and went. The presents I had for Lindsey since Christmas time had been moved to the hall closet when I had the tree taken down. I cried, hopefully without anyone seeing, that day when one of the young men asked me what to do with them. I wanted to throw them away, I wanted to burn them, I wanted to never see them again. They were reminders of everything I had lost...but I hadn't lost everything so in the closet they remained.

Spring began and I could hear birds again. Sometimes I would sit at my piano and watch them out the window as I played a little melody for the baby. They say little ones while they're tucked away safely in the womb can hear your voice and I just knew they would love music. Sometimes tears would come, other times I couldn't stop smiling and those times were oh so precious to me.

Everything was fine, I thought, until I saw his little sports car pull up to my gates. I never should have changed the code, maybe then I wouldn't have to hear his voice through the speaker. Maybe then I wouldn't have to decide whether or not I was going to let him in. After a minute he buzzed again- I heard the love, the desperation, the anguish. The child within me stirred for the first time and with tears in my eyes, he came through my door and took me into an embrace that was nearly soul shattering. I fell apart with him. I had him in my arms, I was in his. He created a little space and his hand traveled where I knew it would, as if by instinct.
"You're not alone" he whispered and I noticed he had been crying too. Fresh tears sprung to his eyes and I had to look away. I shook my head, not really responding. "Is it..? Oh, Steph! Stephanie..."
"We're a family. Like you always wanted" I said, my voice barely audible. His embrace tightened again. He stroked my hair so lovingly.

Nothing this beautiful lasts forever.

----

A week at my house, and I knew something was wrong. We barely spoke about what happened between us before. I never knew until much later why the silence occurred, why he didn't call or write or at least let me know he was alive. I told him how I found out, how I was feeling, and he was so supportive. The night everything fell apart, was gorgeous at the start. We went to bed after a candlelit dinner, talk of names and tender love making. Sweet Melissa, after the Allman Brothers song, stirred within me and Lindsey was able to feel her. His smile returned. We were finally a family. We drifted off to sleep, dreaming together about the perfect life we were about to embark on with Missy and who knows, maybe we could have gotten married.

Everything was a blur after that. The blood came, and my baby girl was gone. That night she took with her a part of me I will never get back. Not now, not ever. She also took my Lindsey, though not at first. We cried together, we promised each other we would try again. He professed his undying love but one day I knew I couldn't keep him any more. His things left my home little by little, almost in the same way that they had entered my home to begin with. I was losing him. I lost him.

We didn't speak for almost a year and a half when I suddenly got a phone call.
"Steph, it's a boy and he's so beautiful. I can't wait for you to meet him..." I sobbed hearing his words. "Kristen did a great job" I put the phone down and I heard him speaking still but it was muffled. I fell into the floor and didn't get up again until I heard the loud wail of the dial tone. He's gone and he will never come back. Not now, not ever.

A/N: I will be going back to present day in the next chapter but I felt I had to explain her emotions and reactions, why she thought about herself in certain ways. I also played with history or events, namely the dance because apparently in my mind it didn't happen. Lol Thank you for sticking by me. Excuse any mistakes there may be and please tell me what you think. Should I continue?