How can something disappear so quickly?

How can life be so cruel?

What do you mean Moms gone? I scream at my Dad who is struggling to hold back his tears.

She she was driving to work... when her car got t-boned at a busy intersection. As he was speaking he was gripping his blue uniform. I was called to the scene, and arrived to find her-

Dead, I whisper. Tears forming in my eyes as I hear that word escape from my mouth.

Yes. I am so sorry Mya.

If you are so sorry why didnt you save her? I scream through my uncontrolled sobs of rage and sadness. Youre a paramedic who was called to help her! So why didnt you do anything?

His eyes filled with hurt as I blamed his wifes death on him. He loved her must as much as I did. Sorry is all he could say, before starting the car and leaving the school grounds.

I was enjoying a normal science class, sitting next to my friend Syd, as she complained about our unfair algebra test next block. Then Mr. Perry got a call telling me Dad was here to pick me up. I should never have gone to the office. If only I would have run far away. Run away from this despair.

We sit in silence for the rest of the car ride home. Hearing only my occasional sobbing and the roar of traffic.

I try to ignore the truth, that the women I love most, is gone. I can never wrap my arms around her again, or get her to braid my hair. I run my fingers over the braids she made this morning, and let out yet another sob.

When the most painful car ride of my life comes to a halt, I jump out of the car, not even bothering to close the door. Bolting to my room, I bury my head in my pillows, and sob until I have no more tears left to cry.

I lift my head as I hear the front door swing open downstairs, followed by the laughter of my 3-year-old brother Jack. Behind his laughter is the forced laughter of my grandma who picked Jack up from preschool. Shes struggling to keep the death of her daughter away from him until Dad can break the horrifying news. Poking my head around the doorway, I have a perfect view of my family (or what was left of it).

Dadda, Jack calls as he jumps into his father's arms. He then looks around. Where is Momma? At that moment you could feel the tension increase in the house. I grip the door frame, digging my fingernails into the drywall.

Shes gone, Dad says, still holding his confused son.

Gone where? Jack says looking around, a smile still beaming on his face.

To a wonderful place, Grandma says solemnly.

Well, when will she be back?

Tears begin to stream down my face once again. He doesnt understand. How could he, hes 3? How could the universe let this happen to a 3-year-old boy? Shes not coming back, I whisper, emerging from my doorway. Shes gone.

Jack looks around at our tear-stained faces. His face sinks as he begins to understand. But.. but me love... Momma. he begins to cry. My heart breaks seeing him like this. Then his sobs slow, and he looks up at me. But Momma in good place? he asks.

One of the best there is, Dad replies with a slight smile.

Good for Momma, he says, tears still streaming down his face. Despite the tears he has a slight smile on his lips as he makes his way over to embrace me. As his little lips touch my salty cheeks, I feel a shiver of happiness run up my spine. It is quickly replaced with envy.

How can he be smiling? How can he change his mind set so this is ok? I want to feel that way, believe that Mom is ok, but though she may be ok, I am not.

I turn away from Jack, and storm back to my room, being sure to lock the door behind me.

I throw myself onto my bed, rolling around, crying, and screaming. I dont know how to do this. This feel of darkness attacking me from inside, I cant live with this. The memory of her like a knife in my heart.

Mya, says a soft sympathetic voice from behind the locked door, may I come in?

I throw myself behind the dresser. I dont want to talk about it. I just want to be alone. I want to lie in my bed, pretending that nothing happened and that Mom is outside my door making dinner.

I curl into a ball behind the dresser, hands shaking as I hear the door creak open. Mya, please I think you would want to see this.

I stand up slowly, my legs feeling weak beneath me, and step out into the center of my room. My dad is standing in the doorway, with a small box in his hands. He slowly emerges from the doorway. Approaching me and wrapping his muscular arms around my trembling body. I dig my head into his shoulder and soak it in tears. I feel a few of his tears roll down the back of my neck. We stay like this for a long time, before sitting down on my bed.

He hands that small box to me, no bigger than a human fist. The box is sky blue, with a white ribbon keeping the box closed, and a small white bow on top. Next to the bow is a tag, with beautiful handwriting printing, To Mya, Love Mom.

Your Mom was going to give this to you when you graduated, Dad says, But I think she would want you to have it now.

Thanks, I whisper, giving Dad one last hug before he leaves, closing the door behind him. And just like that, I am alone again.

I put my finger under the white ribbon, about to pull it off so I can open the box. But then I stop. If I open this, that means she is gone. If I accept this gift, I am accepting I have lost her. I pull my finger loose from under the ribbon, and place the box at the far corner of the room, under my bed.

Then I plop down on the bed, burying myself in blankets. Not sleeping. Not eating. Not socializing. Just lying there in my bed, pretending that I, and all my problems, dont exist. Just flooding my bedroom in tears, for the rest of the day.