A/N Ok. So this is the start of the trip through all that has happened, sorry if it's a bit graphic. This was always how the story was going to go, and how these two get past all that is said, all that has happened - well that is the difficult bit. This is a very different story for me, well I feel it is, anyway! Hope that you're enjoying...though that's not the right word. Love all your comments, it's the only way I know I'm doing well, plus you often highlight little things I miss and it can lead to edits on subsequent chapters, so please keep going, xxx

Chapter Thirty Two

"I was twelve."

Aaron had barely slept, or it felt that way. Darkness gave way to early dusk, his body was on edge, yet somewhere in the early hours he'd switched off. But the second he heard those words he was awake, alert. He held her, knowing that he was about to hate every word that she said, but knowing that she was about to let him in, and that made him hopeful too. A bizarre contradiction, and it threw him into turmoil.

She was still in his arms, head on his chest, she'd barely moved since lying beside him. To let her know that he was listening, he gave her a gentle squeeze. When she sighed, he moved his hand gently on her arm.

"We stayed at his house, because he was rich. My parents loved it, but then they worked for him, my Uncle Ed. He was so successful, business...I didn't pay any attention, then he dabbled in politics. He was on TV, he was employing my parents. He had a huge house in Kensington – with staff. I was always in awe.

"We visited for weekends, usually for dinner parties. I'd have a room up in the attic, he decorated it for me, pink hearts, and My Little Pony everywhere. I should have been suspicious when he wouldn't let me update it as I got older, I once hung a Justin Timberlake poster up, and he ripped it down when I wasn't there. Left it in shreds on the pink duvet cover."

She gulped, he could feel the tension increase throughout her. 

"You don't have to do this, Jule."

Shaking her head against his chest, she disagreed, "it's taken me too long to discuss this, don't make me stop."

He kissed the top of her head, and she continued.

"I was almost thirteen, I know, because we were going to Eurodisney for my birthday in a couple of weeks' time. I was in the bedroom, it was a Saturday night." She sighed, "I loved that room, it was childish, but it was filled with so much that I didn't have at home. A Wii, a flat screen TV when we still had a huge one at home, I had a Sky box, I could watch any movie I wanted. I was watching some Olsen twin movie...I can't look at either of them to this day.

"He opened the door. It was at the end of the bed, and when I glanced down I was surprised to see him. Usually one of the servants would come check on me, cos I was shoved right up in the attic, miles from anyone. I never made the connection."

"He asked what I was watching, then came and sat on the bed. I loved him, he was good to me, I had no idea that someone could change."

His arms tightened around her, his heart pounding nausea rising.

"He touched my leg." She gave a little sob, "I didn't expect it, but I didn't worry. He told me how I'd grown into a pretty girl, that he was happy that I came to stay at his. He was big, he was popular, I liked that I made him happy. He stayed for ten minutes, talking, flattering me. I didn't realise his hand was moving, stroking my leg higher and higher for a little while. I was wearing one of those kids' nighties, a light nylon number, that came to mid-thigh. When his hand slid under it I flinched, but he smiled. Told me I was special, and he was just showing me how special. I was wearing knickers, and I was so scared when he touched them. But again, he told me I was beautiful and that it made him want to touch me more."

She moved a little and he could hear the emotion in her voice, "I was so confused, but the next morning he gave me a new phone – an iPhone. No one in my school had one, and I had no idea what had gone on, not really. I was naïve, I'd never had a boyfriend at that age," she laughed ironically. "He paid for me to go to a private girl's school. It's all so obvious now, but he must have started this SO long before he made his move.

"It was a few weeks before we stayed again, and that time he didn't visit...so I was even more confused. I wondered what I'd done wrong. I..." she leaned back to look up at him. "I hate that I wanted the attention."

He groaned, "you were a baby, Julia. None of this was ever your fault. He manipulated you..."

She nodded, "five years of counselling made me finally realise that. But it was all such a mess..." She gulped again, "with the regret at my own behaviour...he was able to swoop in. Each visit he upped the ante, touching me, I'd just started wearing a bra and he bought me underwear...lacy stuff. Made me try it on.

"Then he started to make me touch him. I'd never seen a man naked, barely knew much about the anatomy, then suddenly I was sat in an adult bra that was barely the right size for me, and I was touching this... 'thing' through his trousers. I didn't know what I was doing. But he'd put his hand over mine, move it, groan."

She sighed, "I knew by now it was wrong, but he lavished me with gifts, and I was a kid. I loved that side of things. But I remember the first time that he told me what would happen if I told anyone. My life was a house of cards, everything revolved around him. He employed my parents, owned their house, paid for my school, my phone...it was all there, all waiting to go wrong. I remember that my phone was what I cared about the most. How awful is that?"

Again, he kissed her head, he didn't need to say anything, her eyes told him all he needed to know. Self loathing, disgust. So misplaced. 

Now she'd started to speak, Julia found she couldn't stop. It was like she'd broken a dam, and there was no way of re-erecting those walls. 

"I remember the first time he made me suck him." His eyes widened in shock at that. She gave a half smile, then closed her eyes not wanting to see disgust in his. "This had been going on for a few months. He touched me, my budding boobs, the rest was through clothes, but one day, he marched in, unzipping his trousers as he did. What came out of them," she shuddered. "It terrified me, it scared me. He stormed over and literally forced it into my mouth. I wasn't expecting it, as he got close, I gasped, that was all he needed. He wrapped his hands around my head, dragged me forward and I thought I was going to die. He choked me, I couldn't breathe...then he pulled out, spraying his shit all over my pyjamas.

"He hated me wearing pyjamas, they obviously covered too much, and it was as though he was branding them. I threw them out. That was the only time he'd hurt me, though by now he scared me. He was so powerful, he had so much control. He'd stopped being nice in between."

She sat up, curling her knees up to her chest, Aaron lay on his side beside her, she looked down at him, needing a little distance for this part.

"It went on for years, every few weeks, we'd visit, he'd make night trips. Suddenly they weren't quick snatched appearances during his meetings or dinners, they were late, when I was fast asleep. I'd wake up to find him squeezing into the little single bed with me, usually just in shorts, his bare chest in my face, his fucking erection jabbing at me. That night he raped me. For a long time I didn't believe I was raped, I believed that I'd led him on, that it was what I wanted...he made me like that. I was fourteen, I didn't know any better. I was socially isolated, I had no friends anymore, not family, no siblings. My parents were like his fan club. And he had power...so much fucking power."

Aaron had sat up, sitting cross legged to her side, but she couldn't look at him, couldn't see him.

"My parents, it took me over a year to build up the confidence to tell them, can you believe that? In the end I got into a fight at school, one of the girls made some comment about me being a poor girl masquerading as a rich girl spoilt by her uncle. If only she knew the price I was paying. The headmistress took me to one side whilst she dealt with the other girl. By the time they came back I was a sobbing mess. I showed the her, the head teacher, Mrs Tomlin...she was amazing. I showed her the bruises on my hips where he'd held me face down as he fucked me from behind, almost suffocating me with the force he rammed me into the pillows the previous night. He'd become angry, I think he hated that I was growing up.

"She was shocked, more than that, but she immediately believed me. I told her everything...well what a fifteen year old girl knew. I was still so naïve. She called my parents, brought them straight to the school, and she sat beside me whilst I tried to tell them. 'Edward?' I can remember my mother's exact words, the expression on her face. 'He'd never do anything like that.' I was devastated. My own parents. But Mrs Tomlin had it covered. She smiled at them in this haughty fashion down her nose and told them that she was calling the police and probably child protection services, SHE believed me, and Edward WOULD be arrested about this."

"Too fucking right!" Aaron looked concerned when she looked up, not disgusted. Not as she'd imagined.

He reached for her hand, squeezing it tentatively, "he got what he deserved?"

She shrugged, "I was 'examined', an abused girl subject to even more humiliation. There was no evidence as I'd scrubbed my body raw in the shower after, but there was scar tissue from where he'd forced me, damaged me...and there was my testimony. MY statement took months to right, all the while he denied everything, forcing me to go to court.

"I was almost seventeen when he was convicted of multiple counts of rape, child abuse, abuse of power...there were dozens of charges. But the court case took weeks as there was so much to pick apart. I was cross examined by his defence, in front of him as I was no longer a minor, the CPS tried to fight it, but I decided that if he was going to deny things I was going to sit there and front him out. I was strong back then. I could take him on. But that changed."

She stretched out her legs before they cramped up. "People couldn't believe that I'd dealt with everything so well. But inside I was staring to die. I started Uni, fortunately with Abi. She'd been a friend since junior school, the only time we weren't together were the years I was at the private school. We got back in touch through sixth form college, and then we went to college. She knew about most of this, not all of this, she wouldn't deal with the details...no one should have to."

"It came back to haunt you?"

She nodded, "it never went away, but I felt I was in control of my life. I had turned my back on my parents, then I discovered history via an enthusiastic teacher, and I mean REALLY discovered it. And it was enough, but I wasn't living...not really. I rarely ate, rarely slept, and I had a breakdown, during my first year of Uni. It took drugs, counselling and a lot of time to get myself back on track. It was Abi who helped, she is my rock. She's more like a sister."

"I knew there was more than just friendship between you."

Julia smiled, "she's the only person who has ever been there for me. Who took me unconditionally and was in my team." When he smiled, she added, "until you."

That made his eyes light up.

"You have been the same, without knowing me, without knowing about the darkness in my life, you've seen me, and understood me. You're more than I could ever deserve. I have been secretive, dismissive, I have pushed/pulled. No one should have to put up with that."

Aaron sighed, "I knew that there was something behind you, I knew that you had a secret, for want of a better term. But I like you, the times when it's just been the two of us, no baggage, no hassle – it's been fun. More fun than I've had inyears. You are special to me, Julia. You have to know that."

"But I can't be what you want. I can't be what you need. I want to...sometimes I think I can. But then the past..."

He reached for her hands, "you've already beaten so much to be here, successful. I am not suggesting that I am the answer, but you have to let SOMEONE in. It's you that deserves more. You can't let him win any longer."

She shook her head, "I can't do it, Aaron. I have tried. It's no good. I've been settled for years, maybe five. Then he goes and dies...and it's all bad again, it's like I'm back there, the pain, the darkness, the fear..." She looked up at him, and her eyes were filled with tears, "it never, ever goes away. It's there waiting to strike and I can't avoid it."