A/N Ok, so I guess that you guys can see where this is going, but hopefully it's not going to be too predictable, and it definitely isn't going to be straight forward. Hold on for the ride! MZxx

Chapter Thirty Nine

Julia was nodding and smiling, optimism coming off her in waves. He on the other hand, was petrified. He had no experience at this, and no idea how this would end. She flipped the page, and Aaron was both relieved and devastated to see the page empty.

"You've got no idea?"

She shook her head, "outside of what's on the first list everything terrifies me."

"But some could be workable?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. I only know that it's all scary."

Sighing, he reached for the pen, he'd agreed to this, he couldn't back out now, "OK, let's start it this way. What scares you the most?"

Pondering became a blush as her cheeks flushed red, and she dropped her eyes for a moment, "oral sex. I'd hate that more than anything."

God, this is horrendous. He had to shake himself a little, eliminate the thought processes running through her brain, "giving, or receiving?" He could barely believe he'd asked that, and that she was contemplating an answer.

Shuddering she lifted her eyes to his, "he always forced himself into my mouth, held me down and choked me. I think that scares me more than anything."

Pain surged through him at that, anger threatening to make him explode, she'd been a child. It was a horrendous vision for an adult woman, but a girl, a child? He bit down on his cheek for a moment, controlling his emotions, because this was about her. This was exactly why they were doing this, to shed those awful memories. "So giving is a hard no."

"Almost a joke?" She offered as she nodded.

"Not a very funny one, hey?" He scribbled 'Giving oral sex at the top of the third page. "What about receiving?" He wanted to cross his fingers like a childhood prayer, hoping that man hadn't stolen that from her. He knew that most women enjoyed that more than anything. She deserved to know how it felt, make decisions on her own experiences not on what he did to her.

She shrugged, "I don't know. Never tried."

"Could you imagine it?"

Julia was silent for a long moment, then shrugged again, "how do you know if you haven't tried something?"

And that, ladies and gentleman, was the million dollar question. This was a woman who'd never had an orgasm, who'd never touched herself, who'd never known the pleasure, the relief that sex with the right person could bring. Hell, it could be amazing with the wrong person! "I don't know, Jule. I suppose we have to take it down less specific than that. Touching?"

"My boobs?" She stared at him, so innocently. She seemed to have no idea how those two words caused him to have a fight to keep his eyes at face level. "You tried...I almost punched you."

He remembered that, "I know, but that was before all this. Does the thought of someone touching you scare you?"

She nodded almost mechanically, "strangers..." Her eyes were wide, "it's too much."

She was physically shaking, and it pained him, he reached for her hand, "what about someone you trust? One of the men you slept with?"

She shook her head vehemently again, "I never let any of them touch me. But then I never trusted them," she bit her bottom lip. "I used them." When he shrugged, she added, "he liked my chest. Told me it was his favourite thing. So I hate them."

Again he wanted to punch the wall, his knuckles were white around the pen in his hand, "shit." That meant that she loathed her own body, if she hadn't had those breasts, maybe her uncle wouldn't have been interested in her, it was simple logic.

"What does the thought of someone touching you there make you feel?" It was a ridiculous question, he was no therapist. And he dreaded the answer.

Her eyes flicked up at him, and she tried to smile, "I cant imagine that. You are the only man I trust, you are the only man I'd let try." Her eyes were filled with tears, her voice a whisper, but he heard her. Every word.

"Julia, you can't say that."

Instead of answering, she leaned onto him, "you ARE the only person I trust, I mean that. I couldn't let anyone else touch me."

"I can't do that."

He dropped his lips to her head, the thought of enjoying her was all that he had wanted. But not like this, not clinically, not experimentally.

She gave a whimper, "that's what I told her, Anna. I told her that there was no way I could try any of these things. I just have to get on with life..."

Aaron knew that he didn't want that for her, to never make it where she wanted to be, but he wasn't sure that he could be that man.

"Don't say that."

Pulling away from him, she offered a cheery smile that didn't reach her eyes, and shrugged, "I'm already better than I was, that's more than enough from you."

She got up, started to clear the dinner dishes, leaving him to be the new home for Coco, who curled up on his lap. He could see her out of the corner of his eye, her head down, looking devastated. She'd come so far. Yet still had so much to achieve, to manage.

He thought about it, testing her, introducing her to touches, to tastes, to sex. He couldn't do that, it all felt so wrong.

Then Aaron looked up and saw her, head down, tears on her cheeks. She needed him, and he was unable to say no to her, he already knew that. Lifting Coco to the side, he stood, then crossed to the kitchen. He wanted to reach out and hold her, wrap her in his arms, tell her it would all be OK. But he couldn't do that, for too many reasons. So he perched his hip against the work surface.

"I want to help you, more than anything. I just don't know how you'll cope with it." Or me.

She looked up from her place across the kitchen from him, "the alternative is that nothing changes..." There was that whimper again, pushing him, holding him to ransom.

"The alternative is that what? That we try things? See how you get on?"

Despite her non-committal shrug, she looked at him with so much optimism that his heart surged all over again.

"You realise what you're asking me? To try to have sex? THAT'S what you want?"

She gave that same shrug, "if I can't with you, I can't with anyone."

He pondered that for a long moment. This was dangerous, one or both of them could and probably would end up hurt, it was ridiculous, but he remembered what she'd said, that she could pay a stranger. That made him shudder. He couldn't see that happening, he'd ever allow it.

Reaching for the pad of paper, he wrote down more than twenty different things, touching, sucking, tasting, teasing various body parts, masturbation - give and receive, and sex toys. Then there was oral sex, actual sex and a whole host of role play and gentle sex games. He had to shock her, make her sure that she wanted to breach this boundary, because there would be no going back.

"Look at this list, look hard. Because you need to rank these, not by your lists, but by stages - easiest to hardest. Then if you can do that, talk to me about them all, and I mean ALL. This is a a shock, but if you can't discuss this can't talk about things, then you are not ready to even start this. If you are...then we can try and start things tomorrow. But you need to sleep on this, because it's not something that you should do on a whim."

With that he left the room, praying that she found his task impossible, and that they could pretend today hadn't happened.

This was meant to be uncomfortable. Julia knew that. But it didn't make it any easier. How could she justify her interest in sex toys being above any suggestion of giving anything back to him? Or that she hated the thought of him sucking her breasts, yet could have sex without thinking about it. It was all so fucked up. It's what you are trying to change, she kept telling herself. She was so sexually naive, and with that came the inability to discuss such intimacies. She could hear Aaron's voice as she stared at his list, if you can't say it, you'll never do it.

So, she started to separate the items into four piles, yes, maybe, not really and never. The yes pile was no bigger than the previous night, though he had included French kissing and 'bum-touching', but otherwise, the never pile was the greatest.

She hadn't really slept, because every few hours she'd sit up and move something from never to not really...then she crossed out the really, to say not sure.

Sleep finally came over her, as the sun was rising, and she knew she had slept late when she woke in broad daylight. Rolling to her side, she spotted Cliffy half hidden by her pillow. When she moved, he sat up and stared at her.

"I know Cliffy, this is as confusing a day for me, as it is for you. Let's go face up to things?"

The dog shot out of the room yapping as he found his play mate. Coco was curled up on the bare ankles that appeared over the edge of the sofa, she couldn't see the body attached as the sofa faced away from her.

"Sleep well?" Aaron's voice cut over the sounds of the radio, and made her shudder.

"What do you think?" She asked flippantly.

He smiled, but there wasn't the flippancy that she knew she'd normally see. He wasn't sure about this, she was forcing him. She knew that. Julia knew she should take a step back, think of the effect this was having on him too, but she needed more, she needed him, as selfish as that was.

She tossed the lists on to his stomach, "took me all night."

Then moved into the kitchen to pour herself some coffee as she listened to the sounds of him reading the papers.

"I don't know how to play this," his voice in the kitchen caused her head to jolt up, she'd been daydreaming, lounging against the work surface.

"Neither do I."

Aaron nodded, "I get that much. I can't be clinical, just moving through your list, one by one. I think we need to go out on a date, tonight...dinner."

She grimaced at that, it was too close, too intimate, "I don't know."

That made him laugh, "you can't do that, Julia. You can't separate sex like that, it has a build up, a beginning, a middle and possibly an end. That's the first thing that has been wrong. You want it, when you want it, how you want it. Pushing outside of that comfort zone is half the battle. It's a two-way thing, and involves both partners, that is the trust you don't have. This is how me test that."

Her face fell and anxiety threatened to overwhelm her. But he pushed on.

"I am going to pack a bag, head out until later. I'll pick you up at six, and take you for dinner....then see where it takes us."

"You can't leave." Julia protested a few minutes later when he skipped down the stairs from his bedroom with a bag slung over his shoulder.

He shook his head, "I can, and I will. We are going on a date. I will pick you up at six. Be ready."

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