A/N Thanks for the patience, this has been a difficult chapter to get right. Hope I have... Plus it's been a difficult week, thanks to @selmazac for sharing for me on the last chapter. Getting there slowly, and I'm back on the case. So this is a HUGE chapter, let me know if it hits the right place. MZxxx

Chapter Forty One

Dance.

Such a simple word. But a million miles away from the sensation of moving around the dance floor in Aaron's arms. The plink-plunk jazz had faded into something far more bluesy, and smoochy as she'd have called it in school. Aaron was strong, tall, this huge presence, she felt like a scarf draped around him. They moved and swayed to the music, and every few moments, he swirled her around, dramatically, and very bloody sexily.

Their pelvises were touching, their cheeks almost as close. The warmth of his body was as intoxicating as the smell that could only be him, expensive aftershave, but so much more than that, and the sensation of his hand, electric over her lower back. She wanted to kiss him, that seemed liked the only logical choice. That or explode.

"Perfect," the word was a breath at her ear, and as she swooned, her knees weakening. The chuckle in response was even more breathtaking.

She squirmed in his arms, suddenly uncomfortable, and as if sensing that, he led her back to their booth, again tucking her in to the depths of it, barricading her with his body. Filling the two teacups with more gin, he watched as she sipped at it, before taking a drink himself.

"You OK?" He asked, his voice a rasp.
Julia turned in her seat, biting her bottom lip as she nodded. Then she leaned forward, into him. Hoping that he would put her out of her misery. When he didn't meet her in the middle, she pushed her face up to his, bringing their lips together.

Whoosh. It was like striking a match, the hunger, the need, the desire. Swirling like a whirlwind between them. His hands gripped her shoulders, holding her still, at arm's length, only their lips touched...and tongues, and teeth. And she was frustrated. But then she realised that he was restraining himself, for her. Her list said kissing, but not much more. This frustration, the lack of contact was him being all that she dictated.

If she touched him now, what would that mean? Would he fight her? Reciprocate? She wasn't sure.

"More," she breathed. More command than request. He looked at her quizzically, for a long moment, then with an almost imperceptible nod, he dropped his head again, his lips finding hers. His hands moved to her hips, and she used that as an excuse to throw herself against his chest, arms draping around his neck, her thigh pushing against his.

Aaron broke away almost dramatically, and if he hadn't been breathing so deeply, then she'd worry that he was rejecting her. But the reaction, the way he was struggling to deal with the moment was the insight she needed into him, into the way he was struggling to control his emotions. It was all that she wanted to see.

He stood, offering her a hand, she glanced at the half empty cups still on the table, then with a shrug allowed him to lead her out of the club.

The street was dark and this was as secluded as Manhattan got. Aaron was very dominant, pulling her across the road to a small darkened doorway. There he pushed her against the wall and devoured her afresh, swallowing her moans with his warm, insistent lips. She didn't melt as she had in the past, this time she was winding up, like a clock, the tension was right back there.

"Touch me," she breathed, wrapping her arms around him, but still he kept his hands, off her, instead resting them on the wall either side of her head. "Please?"

She pushed herself into his body, arching away from the wall, but it wasn't enough. It was nowhere near enough.

"Aaron?"

He groaned, his lips on her forehead, and gave his head a little shake, she tried to drag his lips down to hers, but he resisted, staring down at her. It wasn't rejection or repulsion in his eyes, she could FEEL how much he wanted her, and for the first time in forever she wanted more.

Sober, sane, and willingly.

"What is it?" She breathed unable to contain her emotions.

He dropped his head for a moment, breathing as deeply as her, then lifted his eyes to stare at her, "you want more, you want this?"

When she nodded a firm yes, he shook his head, "why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you want this?"

Julia took a deep breath, then met his hungry gaze, "isn't it obvious?"

Shaking his head, he gripped her chin, pushed her head back to the wall, not letting her escape his eyes, "no. It' not fucking obvious!"

"I want this, I want more."

"With me? Or with anyone?"

"You, only you!"

He laughed, "because you want to get past this? Because I'm here? Because I can help you'?"

She shook her head, "no! Because I trust you, more than anyone else, and I NEED you to touch me, before I explode. Because this is the first time that I've ever wanted more for no reason. This is for ME, not for the past, Aaron." It was a huge confession for her, and her knees were weak with anxiety, with fear.

He gasped, his body almost collapsing over her, "I can't be a teacher, I can't do this for the sake of it, I can only do it if you want it the same way as me. That this is everything."

She nodded, "I can't breathe."

With a huge sigh of relief, he took her hand, "come on!"

He alternated between dragged her along the street, and pulled her into doorways for brief passionate clinches.

"Are we getting a taxi?" she asked as he took off once again. He shook his head as he led her into the reception of a building.

Leaning to her ear, he murmured, "I've booked a room here, neutral territory. I don't want you feeling awkward at home..."

...if it goes wrong. He didn't say that, but she got the sentiment, and desperately wanted this to work, more than anything. They didn't check in, instead, he led her to a bank of elevators and hit the call button.

They were the only ones in the car, and his eyes were trained on her as he backed her slowly to the wall.

"You planned this hotel?"

He snatched at her lips with his, then groaned, "I did. I couldn't handle it If you came to hate our home. Associated it with bad memories."

He plundered her lips again as she processed the words, our home. The little part of her that hadn't melted did then, his mouth on hers, his body pressing her up to the faux panelling of the elevator.

A bing alerted them that they'd reached their stop and they had just pulled apart when the doors opened to reveal an elderly couple waiting to board. Taking her hand, smiling apologetically at the couple, he dragged her down the corridor.

It was a boutique hotel, beautiful in a funky and unique way, but whilst she acknowledged the vibrant wall paper and the abstract pictures, Aaron was the only thing that Julia was focussing on, he was suddenly the centre of every universe, every conversation and thought. All she wanted was to be wrapped around him, more of those kisses.

He fumbled with the key card, then pulled her into the room. But she made it no further than that.

Once again he pressed her up against the closed door, lips touching, his hands pinning her arms to her side.

"Shit, Julia," he buried his face into her neck, his lips at her ear, "I have never felt so fucking desperate."

She wanted to agree, but the words clogged her throat. She'd never wanted, nor enjoyed sex, and today...was this the exception. Suddenly anxiety washed over her.

He felt the tension change in her, lifting his head, he moved his hands to her cheeks, "I don't want to stop...I really don't. But I can, and I will. You just say the word?"

Shaking her head, she bit her lip, anything to stop that anxiety rising. What had Anna told her to do? How was she meant to cope in this situation? Personalise things, 'touch down', reality check.

The words buzzed around in her head, but she knew that she could do this, she had to.

"Tell me who you are, tell me what you're doing..."

He stared at her, "that will help?"

Julia nodded, "I think so...I need to keep my mind here, not in the past. That what Anna told me, beat my triggers. Proactive not reactive. If they don't swamp me, then I can win."

Aaron wondered if the responsibility was too much for him, his libido had taken a hit at the realisation that he was losing her, and of course the reason that she was drifting. That bastard, her uncle. He had caused all this.

"Talk to you," he still had her face cradled in his hands, "that's all this takes."

She shrugged, "i don't know...it's all I can think."

Shrugging back at her, he burrowed his nose into her neck once more, "so you need to know that it's me, Aaron Harding who is touching you? Is that what you're telling me?"

Her response was a moan, and he took that as a good sign, "well it's no one else, that's for sure."

Gently he guided her into the room, standing in a doorway may seem spontaneous, passionate, but this obviously needed more guidance than that.

Sitting on the bed, he encouraged her to sit beside him, "let's lie down and see what feels right."

"But we have to..."

He stopped her with a brief kiss, "we have a room to just be ourselves in, I didn't book this thinking that we'd have sex, that's not what this is about. But I do hope that when we leave there are a few more things on your happy list that your 'never' ones."

"Thank you."

Her words were lost in the dramatic hug she gave him, which bowled them both flat back onto the bed, Julia half on top of him.

"Got me where you want me, hey?" He joked, but her eyes lit up and she started to unbutton his shirt. Slowly.

It was like a long, slow torture, his every cell seemed tuned into the ministrations of her eager fingers. The eagerness making her clumsy as she fumbled, but he didn't help her, merely kept his arms, supporting her, watching her with what he hoped appeared as relaxed or laziness, but was really his whole body clinging on to the same reality that she was.

If only she knew.

Her hands touched his flesh at the same moment that she sighed, an intoxicating sound, a promising sound, but still he kept his hands in a purely supportive hold. He wanted to strip her, to feast on her body, suck, lick, taste...but he had to remember that this was all new to her, instead he had to tolerate what felt like tone sided torture. He had to ask her what she was happy with before they progressed any further, but instead of that potential conflict, he was happy to let her explore. He was about to burst through his trousers, such was the growing tension, but he'd deal with that when the moment came. It wasn't far away, but he had to enjoy what he had instead.

"I love touching you," she breathed against his cheek.

"I love you touching me."

That made her smile, lift her head and stare down at him, "you're beautiful."

He laughed at that, "I've been called many things in the past, but never that. Think you stole my line."

Wriggling, he let her push his shirt completely off him, watching as she flung it over her shoulders. "What now?" He asked her lips suckled at his shoulder, her finger tips skimming over her chest. "Can I touch you?"

He felt her breath hitch, momentarily freezing in fear, "just here, just like this..." He placed his palms on her back, holding her close to him. She relaxed at that, pushing into his hands like a cat. With a grin, he gave himself a mental hi-five, then turned to kiss the side of her head.

As his hands ran down her sides, to her buttocks, he kept up a brief dialogue. Telling her what he was doing and how amazing she felt.

But very soon they were in an impasse. Either he removed more clothes, or she did. H

"What do we do now?" He asked. He toyed with the hem of her dress, "I want to take this off you..." She shuddered at that. Eyes wide in the half light. "Or I can take off these..." He placed her hand at his belt. "It's your choice."

She pondered for a long moment, before she met his eyes, "I want to try and touch you."

He gulped, her words as powerful as any touch could be, they were about to cross boundaries, and he only hoped that they were still friends after it all. This was the biggest risk he'd ever taken.

She sat up, then bit her lip as she fumbled with his belt, then undid the button and zip, he was ready to burst out, he knew that, so eh placed a hand over hers and guided it to his stomach as she met his eyes.

"I don't want to scare you, but you are turning me inside out!"

When her frown appeared, he smiled, "that is a very, very good thing."

She kept gnawing on her bottom lip as he slipped his trousers off, glad that his tight shorts only outlined him, if they were any looser, there'd be a tent and he wasn't sure how she'd react to that.

"Wow." Her voice was a breath, but her eyes had finally left his and were focussed on him. "That's..."

He'd be flattered if she didn't look so terrified, her hand darting out stopped both her words, and any that he could form.

"Fuck!" He arched off the bed as the word escaped as a hiss through his gritted teeth. Her small hand was placed over him, her fingers almost managing to meet around him. She'd done this before, she was no novice...and immediately that thought was like being doused with a bucket of ice cold water. "That feels amazing."

Julia's eyes flashed to him, "really?"

He nodded, placing a hand over hers, he started to move hers gently, yet insistently. A growl rumbled from her, a sound that amazed him. Her eyes following their hands intently, the whole thing was clinical, less natural than was the norm, but Aaron felt as though she was stealing her breath. He'd never felt so aroused, so out of control, so unsure, yet desperate. He wanted to devour her, his need to taste her, to watch her fall apart – there was so much he wanted for her, with her.

Blowing in his boxers like a teenager wasn't how he wanted this to end, so he lifted both their hands away from his glass-cutter erection and to his lips.

"I can't come first, Julia. That is not the way things go."

Suddenly she looked terrified, so he pulled her down beside him.

"I haven't...I can't."

He shook his head, "you can, you just have to relax, go with it."

She bit her lip, nervously this time and he used a thumb to ease it from her teeth, "what we're going to do...is I'm going to help you. OK?"

Julia stared at Aaron, suddenly this was way beyond where she was happy, she wanted to throw herself on him, take this to the end, quick, rapid and in control, but he wasn't letting that happen, instead he was moving over her, then kissing her like she'd never been kissed before. His huge, terrifying erection was hard against her thigh, but as his mouth moved, his tongue teased her, she lost that chain of thought and relaxed into the soft duvet.

It was a long moment before she felt her own fingers sliding up her thigh, under her dress, guided by his hand. She tried to protest, pull away from him, but his lips were insistent, his free hand cupping her jaw, murmuring words against her lips. All the while their joined hands were trailing, an almost ghost like movement over her thighs.

Each time she squirmed, he upped the ante, bowling her over with his kisses.

"You'll be fine," he murmured. "You deserve this, you SHOULD have had this so many times."

They were serious words, but delivered against her throat as his tongue managed to set her whole body on fire.

When their fingers encountered the lace of the knickers she'd put on earlier that night, purely with the intention of him maybe seeing them, she froze. He didn't push her, instead, he kissed her again, long dragging kisses that made her want to crawl into him, to never lose the feelings that he created. Soon she was moving her hand, too overwhelmed with emotion to realise that she had started this.

Aaron knew the exact moment that she gave into the sensations of her own hand. And he wanted to scream from the rafters, waned to roar like a lion. Her pleasure was so much more deserved than his own. And it was so fucking erotic to tease her, via her own hand through the lace of her underwear, it felt illicit, almost dirtier than normal. Not that he'd tell her that. Her breathing was changing, her chest rising and falling, her lips latched on to his neck. This was it for her.

"You can do this, Julia," he whispered. "Just go with it."

He had taken over the tempo of her hand, he was pushing her over the edge, and he almost joined her as she tensed, arched and finally squealed out his name. The greatest sound, and the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Collapsing beside her, he lifted their still joined to his lips and kissed the taste of her, before pulling her into his arms.