Yufa

After encountering Nathan's fury this morning, I stayed in my room for the rest of the day. I've been lying here in my bed, getting tangled in the sheets, seeking comfort which it provided nonetheless. When I felt hungry I had Martha bring my food into my room, too afraid of encountering Nathan on my way to feed my roaring belly. Stepping out of my comfort zone means the greater chance of us, bumping into each other and I don't want be near him when his mood is sour. I had enough of his venomous tongue and his deadly eyes for this day.

Six months had passed. Six long months. Everything happened so fast that I can barely keep a record on when Nathan had snapped at me. Its like almost every time he sees me, he snapped at me or sometimes looked at me like I was a stranger in our home. The first time he snapped at me was something I'll never forget. We were inside the car that will take us to our venue after our wedding. I was so nervous just by sitting beside him. He radiated some kind of icy air around him which I had a very hard time on dealing with. He had been running his hands on his silky black hair more than necessary and from there I knew he wasn't feeling alright yet I still asked him. The moment that stupid question escaped my mouth, regrets followed.

Nathan could be somewhere in the house relaxing or maybe he left after changing into something decent, I have no idea. After all, he goes wherever he wants to be without telling me or Martha. Nathan has his own world, restricted enough that I found no entrance into it. I wonder how does he feel right now. How does his world revolve around when he always seclude himself from everyone except for his sister which he treated differently. What demons kept him in, in such way he never lets anyone get close to him. Is he even fighting with them? Or  he lets them in and let them ruin him from the inside?

I don't know Nathan. Sadly. But what if he is silently battling something worse within himself? What if our marriage troubled him more than I do?

"....I had to protect someone so important. You should be thankful to her."

His words came ringing into my mind. Someone so important. A family perhaps? Her. His sister? No. If he is dealing with something dangerous, that speaks for his edgy behavior. I sighed and forced myself out of the bed. I opened the window and let fresh air calm me down.

So much for the dangers.

Probably, I was just imagining things. Maybe its just how Nathan is. Cold but not completely heartless. There has to be a way to break into his life. I am his wife after all.

Wife. A bitter laugh echoes inside my mind. A wife that is not a wife. A stranger wife. A wife that never knew her husband and has a little-next-to-nothing chance in knowing him. And I refuse to. After all, I am still his wife and he is my husband. We're both entitled to take care of each other in sickness and in health. Till do us part. Right?

Maybe I crossed the line this morning and lied to his mom, he was furious and I apologized. Then maybe its time to make amends. I should cast aside my fear and pride if I wanted this marriage to work and somehow make things more favorable than making it worse by keeping myself confined in this four cornered-room. Pride won't get me anywhere. I should stop thinking about myself so much and focus more on us. He will push me away, but I should not falter. Even a single drop, if consistent, will put a whole on solid pavement. If a single drop can do it, why can't I? It's time for me to work harder than I used to.

I closed the door behind me and silently crept into the empty corridor. The house was eerily silent. Martha probably had gone to bed along with the other maids. I continue wandering around the house looking for my husband. He wasn't in his room, yet his car was just sitting lonely on the garage which means he's still somewhere in the house. I reached the balcony and peered through the glass doors but there wasn't a sign that he'd been there. I sighed and opened the door. I stepped into the open space and was greeted by the chilling winds that kissed my skin and blowed my hair.

Better than the winds from my window.

I leaned on the railings and bathe my eyes with the darkness around me. The lights from the neighboring houses decorates the darkness around, sometimes forming silhouettes of the roofs that seemed like mountains on the horizon. I listened to the sound of faint honking of the cars from the distance and the rustling of the leaves against each other from the nearby trees, surprisingly calmed my troubled soul. Was it always this beautiful? I would've known if I didn't spend majority of my lonely nights sitting on the couch waiting for my husband to come home. I would've known if I'm not stupid enough to spend those times scrolling through social media, following and stalking famous celebrities, watching nonsense challenges and streaming fake news. Damn, how much did I miss? Gripping the railings, I leaned forward and feel the wind on my skin once more. The cool breeze kept kissing my skin and blowing my hair, enjoying the small time I have.

Probably, I spent more than enough time admiring the surrounding that my body starts shivering. I guess its time to head back to my bedroom. As much as I wanted to make amends with Nathan, I can't do that alone. As disappointed as I am, I don't have any choice but wait for another day to come knowing this one would end up to list of the things I wanted us to talk about. I reached for the door and locked it behind me. Silently, I walked down the halls with a heavy heart. Sleep won't be coming anytime soon, so maybe a good long, warm bath will do its wonders. Suddenly, my body aches for the comfort of warm bath and the smell of lavender oils poured over the bathtub.

Almost reaching towards my room, my steps were halted on the faint lights escaping through the small crack of my door. Odd. Before leaving, I made sure to lock my door. Everybody knows I don't let anybody inside my room, except of course of Martha, whom I trusted with almost everything inside my room and Martha had gone to bed hours ago. I crept closer to my room, silently. Any unnecessary movements will surely catch the intruders attention. I stood by the door and heard somebody talking. It was Nathan. How silly of me, I almost forgot its our room in the first place. Relief washed over me, not because it just him, but because now is my chance to talk to him and I don't want to waste this opportunity. I reached for the door.

"....your lonely nights, Miranda?"

I stopped dead on my tracks. I heard him chuckle ever so lightly that it can't be noticed unless someone listened closely to it. He was talking to somebody over his phone. Miranda was her name. I felt a pang of jealousy, the way he pronounced her name, almost purred on the phone.

"No, I'll be there shortly."

I peered on the small crack of the door, only to see him wearing nothing but a towel to cover his lower extremities. I gasped loud enough that makes Nathan turned his head towards the door. I quick pulled back and screamed profanities inside my head, cursing myself for my clumsiness. My face warmed at the sight of his almost naked body. I've seen it before but he was wearing pants. Pete's sake! What if the towel lost its grip on his hips? What then? No. Snap out of your fantasy, woman. You are eavesdropping and you are about to get caught, thanks to your wild imagination.

"I don't know and I don't care about her, Miranda. Can we stop talking about my wife now? It makes me sick."

My chest felt heavy. The growing lump on my throat was impossible to swallow, as if an invisible force was forcing its icy claw around my neck, and it hurt. It hurt so much. Am I hearing things? Was I that desperate to talk to him that I start imagining and hearing things? Was this some kind of joke my mind is playing me with? I swear its not funny, not even close. Nathan snapped at me almost everytime we see each other, it hurts. But hearing these things from him over the phone with someone he calls Miranda hurts twice than hearing him say it directly to my face. I know he doesn't care for me but still, the truth never fails to hurt me even more. Why does he have to tell someone about that? Why not tell me instead? I ground my teeth harder to suppress the tears that threatens to stream down my face. My eyes stung with the hot tears that pooled on the corners. But no matter how I try to blink them back, a heavy, hot tear managed to slip from my eyes followed by some more. I cannot fight it anymore. They were too heavy and too painful to hold back. I can't listen to them anymore. The more I hear Nathan talks about me, the more I felt so small about myself. I knew I wasn't good enough and I don't claim it to be. I'm trying hard everyday to be a better wife to him. But I can't bear to hear someone speaking ill about my efforts, my courage and those things that I tried to build, let alone my battles with this marriage my parents had orchestrated. Everyday, I had to gather all my courage just to step out of my room and face the reality that I desperately wanted to change. Knowing that once I came to face him, all of that courage and confidence vanish before him. It was damn hard battling with the fears that plagued me and honestly, it drains all my strength at the end of the day. No one is supposed to talk shit about that, no one. Yet, here I am listening to that someone who dared to feel sick about my hardships as if it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. And what, all of that was for him. Right now, I honestly don't quite put how I am feeling. I should be angry, yet I felt pity for myself. Pathetic. I wiped the tears on my face and  finally decided to walk away.

There's no more reason on staying and listening to him. I've heard enough. I was so eager on escaping the reality behind my door that I recklessly knocked the vase that sat near me. It fell hard on the floor and broke. It took me seconds to fully understand the situation I'm currently in. I stood there looking at the broken porcelain, not quite sure what to do. Should I pick up the broken pieces, or just run like a stray cat caught stealing scraps from garbage cans? But before I could even decide what to do, Nathan came rushing from the door, still wearing nothing but a piece of towel on his hips. He looked at the broken vase and then to me, eyes trained hard on me.

"How long have you been listening?"

Alcohol. I smell alcohol.

Even from the faint light, I could tell Nathan's eyes was throwing daggers towards me. I fumbled for words or any reason I could find to appease him. Him finding out I have heard enough of their conversation was the last thing I wanted to happen right this moment.

"I-I j-just got here. Uhm, a-and accidentally knocked the vase..."

"Liar!" He snarled. At the same time, he caught my arms and dug his fingers on the soft flesh. I gasped at the pain and fear that tumbled at the pit of my belly.

"Twice. That's twice in a row now Yufa. Is that how your parents raised you? A liar. I can see they did their job poorly. You suck at lying." He hissed.

I stared at him, disbelieving how this man in front of me spoke ill about how my parents raised me.

"They had nothing to do with this." I whispered through my gritted teeth.

He doesn't knew anything about me. Nothing. How can this man involve my parents into our marriage? It may be  true that they were the ones behind this marriage but their involvement was merely up to that point. What happens inside this marriage, remains between the two of us. Technically, I wasn't  raised by my parents but  by a nanny. A really kind, soft spoken old lady. Even though I wasn't raised by them and seldom do we spend time together, my parents never tolerated misbehavior among us. Still, they value honesty and discipline. They weren't as awful just because they weren't there for us. I learned great things from my them and for that, I am thankful.

While his face remained stoic, his eyes held something behind that silver irises. It was intense, I couldn't quite put it.

"Oh, I don't care. So long as you answer my question. How long have you been listening".

I stared at him before looking away. I can't stand the deadly silver eyes anymore. Its no use trying to lie to him. He's still drunk and probably he won't remember this.

"Enough. I've heard enough". I answered, voice low before pulling my arms free from his grasp.

He was silent for the time being and I kept my gaze downward, too afraid to meet his eyes. My mind wants to escape this awkward moment, but the other part of me won't budge from where I was standing. It seemed to recognize the unfinished business I have with my husband and was too eager to settle the matter right now, which my mind had already forgotten.

"C-can we talk?" I blurted out. Its now or never. I heard him grunted under his breath before stalking back towards our room.

"We have nothing to talk about." He murmured. I followed him silently inside. The lights blinded me the moment I stepped into the room. I had to squint my eyes to illuminate the figures inside the room. When I regain my sight, I saw Nathan's back as he rummaged into his things on the vanity mirror. After applying his deodorant, he reached for his glass on the table and poured himself some rum.

"I think we should talk about us, Nathan. You know, making things out since we're living under the same roof."

"I don't know what you're talking about". He simply said, not even an ounce of concern in his voice.

"Please, Nathan. Just hear me out." I pressed him further. I knew its not a very good idea but things needs to be settled tonight. Though a part of me screamed to stop whatever business I had in mind, still the call of peace and serenity between us screamed louder.

"What do you want?" he whirled around. His brows creased together with the growing irritation in his silver eyes. "In case you didn't notice, we're already talking. I spend the last five minutes of my life listening to your nonsense blabbering. Now if you have nothing of importance that you think we should talk about, get lost. Leave me alone."

The friction between my gritted teeth is harder than my breathing. He continued grooming himself while I stood there balling my fists. Occasionally, he would check his phone for messages, and I know who is it. I eyed his phone for the longest time. Behind that shiny screen is the mole that digs holes in our marriage. No wonder that my efforts were futile because no matter how fix and patch the holes, someone out of the circle is digging even more holes. Someone who shouldn't be in the picture that tries to draw herself in between.

"Who is she?" I tried to sound casual though the raging waves inside me crashed down at the pit of my stomach.

"What?" He faced me again.

"Oh, don't play dumb with me Nathan. You know what I mean." I am about to lose my patience.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. My point is, why do you care? We were forced into this marriage remember. I married you because that is what business meant to our families. Everything I had had been striped by this piece of parchment called contract. I'm stuck with you and I hate that idea." He poured himself another glass of rum.

"That doesn't mean you have to take a third party, Nathan. I am as stuck as you but I tried to make work things out."

"Lucky you." He emptied the glass before setting it on the table. "You tried to work things out and I tried to find some fun. You should try it sometime."

I couldn't believe he actually told me to cheat on him. For most, I felt lonely and neglected but I find solace in what I do inside this house. I love learning things but never that the idea of cheating had crossed in my mind. My soul revolted at the thoughts of finding pleasure in another man's arms.

"I see you're having fun with Miranda." I said while I marched closer to him.

"Kind of..." Whatever was the following statement, was silenced by a loud smack coming from the contact of my palm in his face.

"At least you should know your responsibilities, Nathan." I didn't regret slapping him. If it would bring some sense into him then I'm happy to do it again. His jaw twitched several times before darting his silver eyes in me.

"Responsibilities. So thats what this is all about. Responsibilities." I heard him chuckle under his breath.

"Very well. I'm gonna show you what responsibility is."

-- Rio