Yufa

It had been hours since midnight passed and sleep had no plans on visiting me that night. Even if it had, my eyes would eventually pop open as the memories of the previous night (which happened a couple of hours ago) came flooding in. Images of him on top of me keeps replaying themselves, it haunted me and scared me. My body was battered and sore, I can hardly move. Instead of changing into my nighties, I stayed on the bed and curled into a ball under the covers. Why did it had to happen to me? What have I done so wrong that I had to be punished like this?I wanted to cry, I badly needed it but seemed like tears have gone dry.

I let him have his way with me. My little protests were powerless against his lusts. His lusts that devoured both of us and burned us into nothing but ashes of useless desires. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have listened to them, I shouldn't have provoked him. Wanting something from him was so selfish of me. That desperation had drove my hopes unto the edge, further than I anticipated. And now, all I can do is curl into a ball and silently beg my conciousness to forget everything that happened.

Finding no comfort under the covers, I rose from the bed and head towards the shower. After drawing hot water into the tub, I slowly sank myself into the comforts of the warm bath. Once the water level reached the base of my neck, I settled myself on the warm granite. For most, I let the warm water wash away all the bitterness, the guilt and disgust that I felt towards myself. The scent of lavender that filled my nostrils had somehow calmed and soothed my aching body. The bath did help me forget my previous misery. Its wonders worked on my conciousness that I didn't notice that I had drifted into a dreamless sleep.

By the time I woke up, the water had already run cold. I must have slept longer that I intended to, because when looked up into the small windows above, rays of the rising sun have been peeking through them. I got up and dried myself before walking towards my bedroom.

Before I even stepped out of the bathroom, an image had caught my periphery. I turned and saw my reflection on the mirror. It hardly surprised me when I saw bruises on my neck that looked like hands around it. I looked down at arms and wrists and found the same marks which started to show faint bluish color with them. I also took off my robe and found bruises on my waists. Dark circles had also decorated my swollen eyes that looked like I haven't sleep for three days. What held me last night was not a human, it was the other side of him that I unleashed. Regrets were useless now, weren't they? Its too late. Even if I do regret them, would they change anything? Will it give me the chance to press the botton to rewind everything and replace it with happy moments? No. Because what's done is done. No amount of regrets will ever change the past.

The longer I stare at my reflection, the more pity I felt for myself. And this is not what I needed now. What I need is courage. The courage to face my misjudgements and the courage to face my husband despite the terror that he built inside me. I have to be strong now or else I'll lose the chance to make a difference.

"You can do it, Yufa." I told myself in hopes to gather more strength at my own encouragements. I know, I'm not strong enough to face everything. Somehow, I knew I'm just fooling myself that I can do this when I knew I can't. But I can't give up like this. I will fight for our marriage and prove to myself that I can do better.

***

I managed to conceal the bruises using some cosmetics I had on my vanity. It took me some time to cover it but I did it anyways. I settled for a forest green floral dress which flows just above my knees. I made sure that my bruises won't be visible and checked if I concealed it properly to avoid suspicions from the servants, most especially from Martha. She may be old but she had a very good eyesight thats making me nervous. Once I was satisfied with how I looked, I made my way outside my room. I haven't seen the vase that I knocked off last night so I assumed Martha had probably cleaned it and replaced it with a new one.

As I made it into the stairs, I heard someone talking downstairs and recognized it immediately. Nathan. He is still at home and he is currently downstairs with someone. My heart pick its beat as I started to recall what happened last night. I quickly shook that feeling away.

I descended down the stairs and found Nathan casually talking to someone I knew. Even with his back to me, I knew it was him.

"Oh! There she is." Nathan finally noticed me and flashed me his expensive smile which I can't afford alone. I wish to see this smile everyday but sadly, this is just for this day.

Joy filled my heart as the man turned to look at me.

"Papa!" I took two steps at a time, too eager to reach my father and feel his warm embrace.

Maybe my father forced me into this marriage but he is still my father, my family. Out of all the people, they were the only people in this earth that won't hurt me. I haven't realized how I missed him until today. I was too busy being dissappointed by his decisions that I didn't recognize the homesickness I have been feeling for months now.

I threw myself into his arms and embraced him tightly. He did the same, while patting my head like he always do.

"I missed you so much, Papa."

"I miss you more, honey." That was all I needed to hear before bursting into tears. Deep inside I was screaming. Screaming to tell him all my struggles. I wanted to tell him that I'm failing at being a good wife and that my marriage is falling apart. But all of that remained behind my throat. The unspoken turmoil had no escape other than my tears that streaming down my face. The battles I have been fighting, my insecurities, my unnoticed efforts, I wanted to tell him about it. All of it. I wish I could, but I can't. This is my fight alone.

I felt like a five-year old kid that cries in her father's chest. But who cares now? All I wanted was to lighten my burdens that slowly crashing down on me. I'm glad to see a familiar face. His mere presence had helped a lot and for that, I'm most thankful.

He continued patting my head until I calmed down. I broke away from his embrace and saw his smiling face.

"Your husband must be taking a good care of you. You're gorgeous." He smiled. I fought the urge to cough at his observation. If only Papa knew what kind of man he is, he won't be smiling like this.

"O-of course he is-"

"She's been a good wife so far, Mr. Chen." I stiffened as soon as his hand touched my arms. How can this man act like nothing happened last night? While I suppress the urge to run away from him, here he is, casually talking to my Papa like nothing is wrong between us. He even seemed so happy. At this rate, he could fool everyone. Later did they know, he can change from an angel into a monster.

My Papa was convinced at this little act of him. We continued our little chat over a coffee. Most part, both of them talked about business that made me feel out of place. Though occasionally, my father would ask about my everyday life, and of course about Nathan, his attention would always turn back to Nathan continue to discuss business.

While I wanted to spend more time with papa, my inner self wanted to create a distance between me and Nathan. The fact that he is sitting right next to me made me uneasy. His hands that settled around me doesn't help at all.

"Oh! Before I forgot-" I trained my attention towards papa and ignored the sickening feeling inside. I knew there are reasons for his sudden visit.

"Your mama is going to have an exhibit on Wednesday. I want you, both of you to attend. This will be our first exhibit in Europe so it would help a lot." I gawked at my father. Mama is coming here? Before I could even process everything Nathan spoke for both of us.

"You can expect us, Mr. Chen. My wife and I wouldn't miss this event. Right, sweetheart?"

a/n

Sorry of this lame update guys. I'll be back shortly and make it up to you. My head is empty.

---Maiah