I've never slept outside.

I always hated the idea of it, the bugs and the wildlife that could crawl over me as I sleep, the mud and the dirt that accompany them. The idea of a bad turn in the weather always had me cautious, the patter of rain against a tent absolutely deafening. No, thank you.

Yet right now it feels like I'm on uncomfortable, outdoor terrain, the sounds of birds filling my ears, a gentle breeze on my face. Something akin to wind rushes past my face and I grimace, not enjoying the burst of winter air. Maybe I'm still dreaming.

It also feels like I've been on a ridiculous drinking binge. My head is absolutely pounding and I want nothing more than to collapse back into sleep to dull the ache. Hangovers are the bane of my life. But... I didn't drink any alcohol, did I?

Unless... Did I go down to the old railway station with Rayden and Sam again? Drinking bottles of vodka until the early hours? Maybe we went down to the old school field like we used to just after the war. It wouldn't surprise me if we accidentally fell asleep there.

Shit... The Enforcers are going to find us!

With that terrifying thought, my eyes fly open and I shoot upright before immediately slapping my hands across my eyes at the pain that reverberates around my skull, a groan escaping my lips. What the fuck kind of fucking hangover is this?

"Mils!" The familiar voice says softly, a hand suddenly resting on my shoulder. "You're okay."

"What are we doing, Sam?" I reply, rubbing against my eyes before removing my hands. Blinking up at him, his face slowly comes back into focus, clear daylight surrounding him. His brown hair is tousled, ridiculously messy, his face slightly grubby. Nevertheless, he smiles slightly, removing his hand and stepping back.

"We made it, Mils."

"What?"

"The South," he tells me. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. The wha... Oh!

"Get the fuck away from me!" I snap, crashing back down to reality like a fucking sledgehammer. Instantly, I push my arms against him and attempt to shove him away. Fucking traitor.

"Mils!"

"Stay back!" I order with a yell, scooting back on the ground. My hands trail over the undergrowth, twigs and leaves covering my palms, digging into me. I look down at them, the mud that taints my skin, the grassy roots scratching me. I'm... we're... the South?

I look up at the woodland that surrounds me, Sam in front of me, his arms raised in surrender, eyes wide as he watches my movements with apparent caution. Heidi stands behind him, a worried look on her face as I search for something, someone.

"Where is everyone?" I manage to spit out, my voice croaky, my teeth gritted together.

"They wanted to give you some space," Sam replies, his voice apologetic as I smack my head back against the tree behind me. I ignore the pain as I slam my eyes shut and shake my head, tears pouring out from under my lids and down my cheeks.

Zac. Zac's gone. My husband, the one who is the only damn reason that we're all here today. We left him behind like he was fucking bait.

"Where the fuck are they?" I snap back, grabbing onto the tree and using it to help me get up. I ignore the scratches and grazes that sting as they touch the wood, completely oblivious to anything but the ache inside my chest.

"Mils..." Heidi tries but I shake my head, glaring at her.

"Where?" I yell, letting go of the tree and stepping forward, standing on my own two feet as I stare at my two supposed best friends.

"They're up through the trees," Heidi says softly, pointing to her right. "You can see the wall..."

I waste no time hanging around to hear what else she has to say, instead turning, my eyes immediately spotting the end of the treeline. The dark shadow of the fucking wall is still visible from here and I tear my gaze away, the damn structure only reminding me of everything that's happened.

I stumble over the uneven ground, but don't let myself fall, Zac's face is the only thing filling my head, propelling me forwards. The way he smirked at me, how gorgeous his warm brown eyes were when his hand would caress my cheek. How he would run his hand through his hair when he was frustrated, locking himself away and only allowing me to comfort him.

I can hear Heidi and Sam behind me, both of them attempting to keep up. I'm unrelenting in how fast paced my strides are. I'm walking with fucking purpose.

As soon as the trees thin out, I can't help it as my eyes scan the length of the wall. It's identical to the one in the North; the same height, the same colour, not a single fucking thing different. 

Letting my eyes fall to the ground, I spot Jordan, Anna and Kieran standing at the foot of it, each one of them taking it in turns to touch the fucking grey monstrosity, my anger only spiking as I watch them.

"Hey!" I yell, all of them turning to face me, Anna shaking her head before crossing her arms.

"Emilia-"

"Don't!" I cut Jordan off, my eyes filling with tears once more. "What the fuck did you think you were doing?"

"We had to-"

"We didn't have to do a damn thing!" I scream back. "We were a fucking team! A team! Supposed to be united against the damn State, but instead you left them there to fucking die!" I cry, the tears falling down my face once more. "You left him to die!" I accuse, Kieran biting his lip as he sinks down to perch on the ground. Anna's arms are still crossed as Jordan reaches for me. "Don't you dare!" I snap, sobbing as I cringe away from him.

"If we didn't go when we did, we wouldn't have made it to the South," Jordan tries to justify and I shake my head. So? Don't they realise that I don't give a shit about that? It's the last thing on my mind, my only prominent thought being the sight of Zac over-run by Enforcers on replay.

"I don't care," I admit, falling to my knees. "I don't fucking care! This is his fucking home!" I remind them with a cry. "And he didn't even get to see it."

"Em..." Kieran lets out one broken word and I furiously shake my head.

"I don't w-want to hear any of your apologies," I stutter. "You destroyed the one thing that held us all together."

"You think we don't know that?" Anna finally explodes, stepping towards me. As I look up, I notice a lone tear escape her eye before she quickly wipes it away. "He didn't really give us a choice."

"What?"

"Anna!" Jordan says in a warning tone.

"No." Anna shakes her head at Jordan. "She deserves the right to fucking know."

"Know what?"

"Zac asked us to go," Anna explains. "He told us that if things went to shit, we had to make sure you got out of there and down to the South."

"What?" I breathe out, hand rising to my mouth in an attempt to stop the sobs from escaping.

"He asked every single one of us to do it," she continues. "You were his fucking priority."

Silently, I look around at the others, all of them staring at me with sorrow filled expressions. Eventually my eyes find the broken looking Jordan, a guy who's recently lost not only his wife, but also his best friend.

"Why would he do that?" I ask Jordan, my voice hoarse.

"Because he loves you," Jordan replies simply and I intake a sharp breath at his words. Sure, Zac told me that but come on, is this real? Is he talking about the same guy, my damn husband, the one who decided with me that we would embark into a just sex relationship?

"No-"

"How blind are you?" Anna cuts me off and I look back at her once more, her eyes filled with tears, arms still crossed. "He was willing to sacrifice his life for you." She pauses. "And he did," she blurts out before her hand flies to her mouth, sobs wracking her body as Kieran reaches out and pulls her against him, wrapping his arms around his sister.

Turning back to Jordan, I notice a singular tear escape his eye too and with that I am done for. My hands fly up to run through my hair as I cry uncontrollably, Jordan gathering me into his arms and swearing that it will be okay.

He's a fucking liar. Nothing about this is okay, nothing will ever be the same again. I feel like I'm bleeding from the inside out, every part of my body hurting, my chest aching painfully, heart literally feeling as though it is splitting in two as I gasp for air.

This wasn't what was supposed to happen.

*~*~*

"Rayden's death killed me! Like a cold, hard dagger being driven through my chest! You'd be the same if it was Anna."

"It's nice to know that another man meant that much to you whilst we were together," Zac retorts, his eyes emotionless, his face hardened, free from emotion. He's put his mask back up, both of us on a dangerous route back to being the self-centred assholes we were when we met. But I don't know how to stop...

"Together?" I scoff, crossing my arms. "Is that what we were back then?"

"You're acting like a fucking child."

"So are you!" I argue. "Accusing me of being with Sam."

"Well, apparently I was wrong. It was always Rayden." Zac smirks, turning away and running a hand through his hair.

"Fucking hell Zac, get a fucking life," I yell to his back, feeling my defensive side force any rational part of me to the back of my brain.

"Are you done?" Zac asks, his voice low as he glances back towards me, his usual warm brown eyes dark.

"You know what?" I say. "If you can't trust me, then maybe this," I gesture between us, "shouldn't be a thing."

"Fine." Zac shrugs, turning his head away once more.

"Fuck off then," I snap. "Go find some other girl to order around! I made it clear from day one that I wouldn't be someone you could dominate."

"I've dominated you in many ways, Emilia," Zac retorts, smirking slightly without looking at me.

"You'll never dominate me like I'm a fucking housewife," I snap back instantly. "I'm done," I announce, his shoulders tensing at my words.

What the fuck? I didn't mean that, I could never be done with him. He's the first man to force me to grow up and teach me how to love once more. I open my mouth to take back my words before he cuts me off.

"So am I."

Shooting upright, I gasp at the brutal nightmare. Biting my lip, I struggle to hold back the tears, the memories of our last proper conversation now at the forefront of my mind. We never got to make amends, not properly. I never got to tell him that I meant none of it, I was spitting out bullshit like the idiot I am.

And that's what he took to his grave...

"You look like you saw a ghost." Anna's voice interrupts my thoughts and I look over to see her across the other side of the fire, her legs tucked up in front of her as she plays with a twig. "I can't sleep either. Well, I had a nightmare too. So same thing I guess." She shrugs and I look away, out at the ominous looking trees.

It's strange, only yesterday I would have been petrified of them, imagining all sorts of shadows that could come out of them, the darkness never having been my friend ever since I was a child. Yet now I don't care where I am, the South, the North, the middle of no man's fucking land.

"You don't want to talk to me?" Anna pipes up once more.

"I don't want to talk to anyone," I retort.

"That's not healthy."

"Nor is the world we live in," I counter.

"That's a fair point," she agrees. "Zac saw it before all of us. I met him-"

"I don't want to know," I snap, cutting her off mid-sentence. She raises an eyebrow before nodding and resting her head on her knee, going back to looking at the fire.

I watch her for a while, wondering whether I should apologise for my words. They were harsh, she's hurting too, but somehow I can't open my mouth and tell her I'm sorry, thoughts of how close Zac and her were filling my head like my own personal torture device.

Lying back down, I curl up onto my side and let the tears flow once more, thankful that I at least get to see his gorgeous brown eyes when I shut my own.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Welcome back! Oh, how I've missed you all!!

Thoughts on the first chapter?

Who's ready to see what the South has in store for the group?!

Remember to vote, comment and share if you enjoyed this chapter ❤️