A silence drifts through the forest, the type of silence that accompanies questions that should remain unanswered. The silence spooks my Pokemon, who glance uncomfortably around and nail anything that comes even close to us. I'd reassure them, but my stomach churns at just the thought of having to explain the entire ordeal to them.

My brain murmurs terrible things, whining for things I have no control over. I block it out, my eyes squinted with pain. Tears brim at their edges and my nostrils flare with a single deep inhale.

"Ashley," calls Ten. "Ashley?"

"You don't have to tell us anything if you don't want to! Please don't cry!" Sunny calls, bouncing after me.

"I'm not going to." I tell her. "Not this time."

Sunny chirrups sadly as she follows. D'spinas spears another Bellsprout through the stem and then races past me, viciously slicing down the foliage ahead of us. As it clears, I see the welcoming green building in the distance, the massive 'checkpoints' between routes that invite us back to civilization.
Pushing through, I emerge on the other side. The route before us is a short one, primarily sunny with a few trees lining the sides, and the whole thing just happens to be right beside the ocean. It's not getting dark quite yet, but the sun is obviously on the decline in the sky. If I'm going to do anything, I should probably do it now.

"You guys want to grind some?" I ask.

The entire team groans in dismay.

"I'll take that as a 'no'. Luckily for you guys, I don't really want-" I slide my bag up over my back. "-to grind right now."
"Well then. Better find some other way to pass the time." Reginae looks up hopefully. "Story time?"

My fists clench. "No, I'm not going to talk about Morty."

"Just tell us who he was!"
"Who he is." Now I'm lying to them too. It's not like they'll know the difference when we meet... him. "He's the next gym leader. He was the one who taught me about Goldeneyes. I learned almost everything from him."

"Right after I died, right?" Ten asks. "Was his gym hard?"

"Yes." I say bitterly. "Yes, yes it was."

"You don't seem all that happy about seeing him again. Did you hate him?"
"Ha!" I stop myself before I say anything stupid. "No," I continue smoothly, "No. Definitely not."

The team approaches a small house right in the middle of the route and I pause.

"Can we go?" asks D'spinas, aggravated by the wait.

There's a familiar smell about it, something like old things and cinnamon and something that's so unmistakably Ethan that it makes my eyes water. "I remember this house."

I tap the door and two elderly people attend to it, practically joined at the hip. They beam at me, but there's a sadness in their eyes. I remember the day-care man and lady from my last journey, who just so happen to be Ethan's grandparents. They're probably friends with my mom on social networking. They've probably seen my baby pictures.

"H-hello?" I stutter.

"Come in, come in!" The woman sounds less than enthusiastic, but she smiles anyways. "You must be Ashley."

"I- I need somewhere to store my Pokemon for a minute... and possibly also somewhere to stay the night?"

"We'd be happy to have you here for as long as you need." she says kindly, giving me a warm pat on the back.

"Thanks," I state, attempting to sound somewhat sympathetic. It falls through immediately and I bite my lip and slide my arms into their coat pockets.

I release five of my Pokemon on the other side of the fence, where the day-care starts, but they stay clustered about me. Their eyes are nervous, anxious- and they're all fixed on me. I'm reminded of Poochyena packs in the wild- if the alpha falls ill, the entire pack will become restless. Their dependence is one of the worst parts of the team system. I'm not worthy of this much responsibility. Not only do I not deserve it, I'm not capable of handling it. Still, their eyes say otherwise. What did I do to earn this?

It's odd to think only months ago, I was worried that the team would tear me apart if I proved unable to lead because they didn't trust me.

Now, I'm only worried that they'll tear me apart through their compassion. We've come a long way.

I wish for a split second that they didn't care, that no one did and it didn't matter what I did. I wish my life was mine and then I feel bad because I am selfish and none of this was ever about me anyways.

"Do you mind if I leave them here?" I repeat.

Ethan's grandmother nods. "Of course, sweetie! Be careful out there! We'd... well, we'd prefer you come back by dark if you're travelling alone. Horrible things have happened to trainers without their Pokemon."

I hold up Clay's Pokeball.. "Don't worry. I have more on me."

Yeah, like I'm getting Clay out again.

"Should work." says his grandfather.

With that, I open the door and the grandmother hobbles over to walk me out. I'm almost halfway down the road already and I get the feeling that if I don't stop them politely, this goodbye could go on for hours.

"If you need any help, just call us!" calls the grandmother, waving a phone.

I pause, seconds from the city, my heart pulsing with sympathy. I'd be nervous too if I knew there were a possibility the child I just sent out into the crazy world wasn't going to come back.

Still.

I don't need help.

The sun is already setting. I probably shouldn't be out too long, but I find myself following some unspoken pathway through the city. If I squint, I can almost imagine a little green line in the ground, telling me which way I need to go.

I have no doubt in my mind that Celebi is guiding me.

I find myself walking up to a massive building and the door to the Radio Tower slides open, as if of its own volition. Banners hung up everywhere advertise a Radio card for your Pokegear. I open mine up and bite my lip. I already have some of the more modern apps that serve about the same purpose. Why would Celebi lead me here?
Oh well. Maybe, if this is all some game, this is necessary to move forwards. I slide my way into the line and plug in some earbuds. The cheerful theme music of my favorite show from two years ago rings through my ears.

My Little Ponyta, My Little Ponyta...

I frown and turn it off. I mean, I'm all for friendship lessons, but at this juncture I've seen some shit and cartoon horses aren't as compelling as they used to be. The truth is, when you know what really happens to heroes, seeing a pale imitation feels more like a mockery than anything.

Plus, I already know what happens in the finale. It was a really gutsy move for them to almost kill off that one Dratini that follows the main cast around, but we all really knew he was just going to evolve anyways. Nice try, MLP.

Wow. That was cynical. Try to lighten up, will you?

I stare up at the ceiling, wondering if the rest of the team has TV wherever they are. Another world.

There are so many questions I still have, but there's no real answer for any of them- yet. I find myself smiling a little more broadly.

There. There you go. I'm happy now.

As I move up to the counter, I see a flash of pink hair and suddenly the entire day goes to shit.

Shoot shoot shoot go away go away go-

She slides up next to me. I contemplate the ethics of punching her in the face.

Ignoring the intruder, I stare blankly ahead as the attendant gives me a quick quiz with laughably easy questions. I mark them all off and the attendant gestures again for my Pokegear.

"Nice job!" she tells me. "Your first try, too!"

"Is that a Radio Card?" Whitney asks, scooting closer. Her pink hair smells like perfume and trying too hard.

"Yes. That's kind of what they're giving out here." I explain, attempting to leave.

Whitney grins broadly at me and boxes me in. "So... how'd you do it? You must be super clever, I've been trying to figure it out for daaaays now and I just can't even do it." She curls her pink hair idly with a finger, her expression so ditzy that it makes me feel like I'm standing right next to one of the teen pop stars on those awful 'kid's' channels with the terrible sitcoms and that one anime- I think it was called Corey in the House? Honestly, I have no idea. I abandoned watching the channel when I was eight. "So?" she jolts me from my thoughts.

"If you get it wrong the first time, literally just guess the other one. There are four questions with two answers, that's only sixteen possibilities total. Have you been trying once a day or something?"

Whitney frowns for a second, and then smiles again with a forced laugh. "Oh, you're so witty! Personally, I've always had a thing for clever people."

"I've always had a thing for clever people too! What a coincidence." I grin. "I suppose I better go find some then. See you at the gym!" I snatch the radio card away from the aide's hands and race to the door, throwing it open.

"Tell your Miltank to stuff it up its own udders, by the way!" I call from outside, before slamming the glass door with gusto and running away like a Rattata running away from a trainer's Pokemon. (Okay, that was a terrible metaphor. Chiaroscuro's death still makes me sick.)

I groan, pure rage seeping from my body. I begin laughing uncontrollably, Pokemon instinct overridden by the sheer insanity of what I just did. Taunting a gym leader before challenging their gym? Really? I feel like vomiting all the sickness out so I feel less like an unstable sea of bottled up of emotion and power, but it's getting late and there's nothing else I can do. The Pokemon Daycare is just a few minutes walk from here, but heaven knows that making a scene in there will make Ethan's poor grandparents feel even worse than they do already. It's better for me to sit down out here and work this out now before I go in there and go to bed.

Dear Arceus, please look down on your loyal subject and grant her a few seconds of silence. I reflect on the solemnity of my plea and frown. I think I can do a bit better than that. Oh yeah, if you're not complete bullshit, please let that Miltank miraculously fall ill before I have to fight it.

"Morty," I call to the moon, knowing he can't hear me. Something about the word feels right, like he'll hear me if I say it enough times. I want someone who knows better than me to tell me what needs to be done, I want another human who understands what it feels like to be anything but that to sit down and talk about stupid things with me and make me feel less alone in the universe, I want to be comforted like a child by someone who knows I'm not one.

The moon is a million miles away and I can't touch it. My whole body feels like ice.

Can you believe you were doing fine just a second ago? It feels like anything can set you off these days.

Maybe that's because anything can.

I quietly make a commitment to working through it, pulling myself off the bench. This is the last gym before I see him again.

Home stretch, Ashley. Get off the bench.

Obediently, I pull myself up.

Get some sleep. We have some grinding to do.