As children, we were taught that hate was a strong word.

The word actually brings a certain mindset along with it.

A mindset to be angry at something

A mindset to abandon something

A mindset filled with disgust and revolting discomforts towards something.

'Something' such as certain memories.

'Something' such as certain feelings.

'Something' such as happiness.

And hatred tends to take 'something' and turn it into 'someone'.

'Someone' such as your parents because they could have raised you better.

'Someone' such as friends because they should have been there for you and they weren't.

'Someone' such as your first love because they didn't love you back.

And that hate will eat and pry away at you until you become sick and twisted.

It will kick and scratch at you until you become as mean as your thoughts, and as dark as your soul.

It will destroy your mind until can't stand to see that person and simply knowing that they exist eats you alive inside.

But worst of all, it will make think.

It will make you think, 'maybe I did my parents wrong.' 'maybe I was too much of a needy friend' 'maybe I was the problem with the relationship.'

And those thoughts will make you look in the mirror.

And you'll stare yourself down and come to the conclusion that the only person you hate more than everybody else,

is yourself.

And then suddenly it becomes a battle to make it through the day.

It becomes a struggle to smile.

It becomes impossible to want to keep going because who the hell actually wants to live in a sad world?

You fall off and life decides you fucking destroy you.

Depression becomes your religion. The instructions on a pill bottle becomes your bible and you find yourself in a daily worshipping cycle.

Blades and rope ask to be your best friends, while bullets and barrels offer you going out like a Hollywood movie scene.

This is no longer living.

It's become hell on earth.

Demons aren't people, they're thoughts.

I didn't ask to be brought into a world where I would have to fight to survive.

I didn't ask live the way I did.

I didn't ask to cry for the reasons I had to cry every.

So why am I still here?

"Why am I still here?" I said aloud in a quiet voice as I drug out my cigarette.

But I already knew the answer to this.

I still stood here because some how, some way, God sent a Angel down to the pits of hell.

I had questioned her reasonings for being there, I had resented her at first. Then somehow, I believed I could make her as sad of a being as I was.

But she was still an angel...

And I fell in love with that angel.

Her hair.

Her smile.

Her laugh.

Her way of thinking.

When she held me or even when she simply touched me.

She could make me smile.

She could be me laugh.

She could make me happy...

But she couldn't stay in hell, could she.

No, of course not.

She had to get back to heaven to be married in holy matrimony.

Nikki couldn't stay with me. Maybe that's why I didn't fight for her, I knew she couldn't stay with me.

And that hurt.

Another hot tear rolled down my cheek and splashed onto my shirt. The streak it had left becoming cold as the breeze blew.

I drug out my cigarette once again before dropping it to the floor of the balcony and smothering it with my foot.

It was barley past noon and everyone was across town at the reception.

However, I had retreated back to the hotel. Seeing that I had barley kept my sanity during the wedding, being around other people isn't the best bet.

I sat on the balcony, not on the rail just yet, but in the chair, and over looked the city of Tampa.

Mind, body, soul, everything was simply tired.

I never understood why people did so much for love, considering that I never knew what it was and believed it didn't exist.

But as I sat here, I could understand now.

Love did a lot of things.

Love made your hands sweaty.

Love made you think weird shit.

Love made you do weird shit.

But most importantly, it fucking hurt you.

That's honestly the only feeling I could make out.

I don't have the right to hurt because I shouldn't have pushed her away... but what else was I suppose to do.

Nikki wouldn't have been happy with me.

Nikki wouldn't have loved me like she loves John... I did myself a favor and kept myself from getting hurt... but I feel like this hurts more.

And it really fucking hurts.

I've been through all kinda of pain but this one is unbearable.

And I suppose that makes my choice easier. 

I rose from the chair, still dressed in the clothes I had wore to the wedding.

I loosen my tie, taking it off before tossing it onto the floor, then unbuttoning the first few buttons on my shirt.

I step on the back of my shoe and pry it off before repeating my actions with the other foot.

More tears tempted to fall, but I simply shook my head as I walked to the rail.

I began my nightly process, swinging one leg over, then the other, then simply sitting still for a moment.

The view looked better from up here. It was clearer, more visible.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, seeing no calls, nor texts.

I unlock the phone and navigate to my messages, choosing Roman's name and typing three words, I love you. Debating with myself as my thumb hovered over send button.

I simply shook my head and pressed send, then held the phone in my hand a few seconds longer before letting it fall to the ground below, watching as it shattered to bits and pieces.

I felt a urge within me telling me to stop as I began the process of standing up on the rail, and I tried my hardest to ignore it.

Standing on the rail had been no harder than standing on the top rope. Once I had found my balance, I didn't fear falling.

Because I wouldn't fall.

I wouldn't even jump.

But for once and for all, I was finally about fly like I wanted.

Just like I had thought of since I was a child because life had been so hard for so long.

Tears fell but I ignored them.

Everything inside me told no but I ignored that too.

I focused myself on every negative thought I could. Every negative opinion that had been formed about me. That being the only thing to fuel my decision.

'Now..' I spoke softly in my mind as I closed my eyes, simply giving a small nod before-

"Dean stop!" I heard a voice cry and my eyes immediately snapped open.

I glanced behind me slightly to see Nikki at the door of the balcony, no longer in her wedding dress, but a knee high white dress, her eyes wide with fear.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned as I turned around, hopping down back onto the balcony, "You shouldn't-"

I stopped talking when she immediately ran over to me, tightly wrapping her arms around me and burying her head in my chest.

"Don't you dare do this to me!" She shouted, "Don't you dare leave me like this!"

"Nikki-" I tried saying but she stopped me.

"No!" She shouted, "You're not gonna fucking leave me in the fucking hell hole! You can't! I won't let you."

I stayed quiet for a moment before wrapping my arms around her, "I don't wanna live anymore Nikki... I'm tired."

"I'm tired too." She protested, "But I would I wouldn't leave you."

"I didn't know you needed me."

"Bullshit. You know damn well I need you."

"You have John now." I said quietly, "That's why I wanted you to marry-"

"So you could fucking kill yourself?" She shouted as she let me go, "That's been your plan for a while now."

"Nikki I-"

"Let me talk." She interrupted and I only looked at her before sighing slightly and hanging my head

"You told me to tell him yes," she said to me, "Because you wanted me to be the finally straw. Correct."

I looked up quickly and stared into her eyes for a moment, not saying anything.

"Why would you do that?" She asked me as she wiped a tear from her eye, "Why would you wanna make me feel that guilt."

"I wasn't trying to." I told her.

"But you are." She stressed, "You were going leave me here, unhappy and guilty. Is that what you wanted?"

"No." I answered.

"Then why are you doing it." She asked as more tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I love you Dean." She told me, "I love you so freaking much. And now I'm married off to some guy that I don't want because I want you."

"I can't stop thinking about you." She told me through tears, "And I won't stop thinking about you. But here you are trying to leave me. I don't want you to leave Dean. I know your unhappy. I'm unhappy too. And if you go, I don't know what I'm gonna do."

I reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her closer to me and tightly wrapping my arms around her.

For what seemed like forever, we stayed just like we were.

She cried aloud.

I cried silently.

Both of us hanging on to each other for dear life.

"Nikki." I spoke quietly, "I'm tired."

"I'm tired too." She spoke shakily, "But I can't loose you."

"You wouldn't have to loose me if you'd come with me." I spoke quietly, almost sure that she hadn't heard me, but knew she had when she had stiffened.

We both remained silent. I, unsure of how she would react to my response.

I felt her shift slightly and I looked down to see her looking up at me.

"I'll go wherever you go."

I shook my head, "Nikki... baby I didn't mean-"

"No." She interrupted, "I'm in love with you. Not anyone else. I have nothing left here. Brie's gone. I just wanna be with you."

"The rest you're family."

"They're strong. They'll move on."

"John."

"He would have gotten over me anyways."

"You're fans."

"They'll just..." she stopped for a moment before reaching for the small bag that was wrapped around her and took out her phone, tapping a few times before beginning to type.

"Thank you for all the encouragement," she said as she typed, "love, and support you all have given me over the years. With love, Nikki."

She pressed a button before tossing the phone onto the floor, "They'll just... they'll just have to understand. There are so many others they can look up to."

I looked at her for a moment before gently placing my lips on hers.

"Are you sure?" I asked her quietly.

"I wouldn't be happy being here Dean." She told me quietly, "I need to be with you."

We were both quiet for a moment before I looked towards the railing.

"Come on." I said quietly while tugging on her hand.

She walked along with me, holding my hand slightly.

"You remember how to get up here?" I asked her softly as I placed a kiss on her forehead and she nodded.

I watched as she climbed onto the rail, similar to what I normally do, then climb onto it myself.

"This part is tricky." I say to her as I being the process of standing up, "Wait and I'll help you."

She nodded and waited until I had balanced myself on my two feet. Then I offered her a hand.

"It's like being on the top rope." I told her softly, "Find your balance. Don't be scared."

She didn't answer as she tried to find her balance while standing. She wobbled a little but soon became still.

I turned to look at her, "You sure about this?"

She was quiet for a moment before squeezing my hand, "We're gonna fly, right?"

I gave a small smile, "Yeah."

She nodded, "Then I'm ready."

We stood in silence. Not an awkward silence. But one with peace.

Here I stood, hand and hand with the woman that loved me, it was... nice.

I wasn't happy. This could have ended way different, but I was at peace. And that's all a man really needs.

"Sunshine?" I asked her.

"Yes?" She

"You're mine."

"And I'm yours."

"Your husband."

"And your wife."

"Are you ready?"

"You're gonna be with me, right?"

I gave her hand another small squeeze, "Of course."

"Then let's fly." She responded while gripping my hand back.

I leaned close and captured her lips with mine once more before breaking apart.

The last feeling known to me was the sense of her hand gripping my own as the wind carried us onto new beginnings.