Five years, five fucking years since Henry left Alex all alone in that apartment with his heart shattered and broken too pieces. Alex had never felt this kind of pain in his life. He was lucky enough his parents are flying over from Austin that day otherwise he wouldn't know what or how to continue his life without Henry by his side. But he remembers, he remembers exactly how he felt that day after he read that letter. He screams, he cried for the next few weeks at the thought of Henry left him without so much of discussing about it. He hates him and loves him at the same time but he was too angry about it and no matter what, he still loves Henry till today.

Alex couldn't remember how long he was sitting on the floor crying his heart out after reading Henry's letter. All he remembers was that the doorbell rings and he went to open the door holding on to the smallest hope that it was Henry by the door changing his mind over his stupidest idea of leaving. But as soon as he did, his parent's concerned face came into the view and he backs away for them to enter and he fell instantly on the cold hard floor sobbing.

Ellen immediately caught him and hugged her son in her tight embrace not knowing what had happened before they even arrived. The letter crumpled in Alex's hand and they both read it only then they understood why Alex is sobbing like a mess right now. They couldn't get Alex to do anything, he won't eat, he won't talk and most importantly Alex won't be able to function as a person right now. So they decides to take him back to Austin and called Sophia letting her know that Alex is taking a sabbatical from work starting that day.

It took him weeks to even starts functioning normally and months to even go back to work. Henry really did broke Alex harder than anything else in his life. Alex refused to talk about him since he managed to stop having panic attacks at work. He even moved out from his apartment and found a new one few blocks away so he could live again. Everything in that house reminds him of Henry and no one can take that away.

The first time he brought Henry home and their first kiss in the elevator, it was everything to Alex. At the slightest moment of thought about Henry would break Alex and he had to move on. He couldn't find Henry anywhere, not even with the help of the police officer in finding him. It's always triggering him whenever he's at work, a body would came and he would thought of Henry. He would finally had his peace and closure in seeing Henry's dead body right here where they first met but after few years, he stopped waiting.

Alex even met someone new in his life after five years of waiting for Henry. They met at the cafe and he is a lawyer living here in New York. They both shared the same interest, same coffee order even and it made Alex hope again. After five years of holding on to Henry he finally had an interest in dating another man, although Gideon isn't anything like Henry, Alex had tried to open his heart again for someone just like Henry told him too.

He never did tell Gideon about Henry. He just told him how he had a very bad break up with his old boyfriend and he never did question Alex more knowing how hurt he was talking about him. He loves how Gideon always giving him space in letting him grief over Henry. Even when sometimes he had his moment of weakness thinking about Henry and their memories together, Gideon never questioned him.

Just like tonight, it's Christmas Eve and they both just had dinner with Nora and Alex's parents. They both decides to join Alex and Gideon for the dinner since it had been five years since Alex hosting a proper Christmas dinner after Henry.

Alex stood by the sink washing over the plates when his mind wanders at the thought of Henry. His blonde hair, his hazel eyes, his lips. It took every strength in him to forget Henry but tonight is different. Even though he is surrounded with the people he loves, he still looked around them and trying to find Henry in between them. His hand shakes and his lips trembled and before he knows it, his tears fell on his cheek.

"Babe, you okay?" Gideon came by his side and saw how Alex is trying to hold on to his tears but he swallowed before he shook his head. Gideon took his hand and washed the soap away before patting it dry with the dry towel and pulled him to the living room and his parents concerned over Alex almost panic attacks.

"Alex, breathe." Ellen whispered and Alex did try. He felt something is stuck inside his throat and he couldn't swallow it away. Ellen pulled him by his neck and rested his head over her shoulder before she wrapped her arm over Alex's shoulder. "It's okay darling, it's okay." She hushed and his father stroked his back in soft circles from the other side witnessing by Nora and Gideon. "I miss him so much ma." He whispered and Ellen nodded.

"I know you do baby. I miss him too." Ellen says stroking his curly hair back as he cried on her shoulder. Gideon pulled Nora by her elbow and dragged her to the kitchen. "I can't see him like this. I don't even know what happen, how can I help him?" Gideon starts and Nora sighed crossing her arm over her chest leaning against the countertop.

"Five years ago, Alex helped a patient of his. He was everything to him. They fell in love but he was damaged beyond repair." Nora told Gideon and he mimicked her posture. "Damage how?" He asks and Nora pressed her lips together, "He was sexually abused when he was a kid, suicidal, drugs. You name it." Nora can hear Gideon cursed under his breath. "How the hell Alex fell in love with someone like that? It's - toxic." He told her and she shook her head.

"It might seem that way. But when Henry and Alex are together, they helped each other in so many ways." Gideon had his eyebrow furrowed, "How so?" He asks her.

"Henry reminded him of his dead sister, June. Alex feels like he could help Henry the way he couldn't help June. He thought by helping him, he can find a little closure with her. Henry was the one who reunites Alex's parents with him after years of them apart. He owed him that much." Gideon can see how hard Nora held on her tears too. Her eyes didn't even leave from staring at Alex on the couch in between his parents.

"What happened to him?" Gideon asks and Nora shook her head biting her lower lip. "No one knows. He just left. We don't know whether he is still alive or dead. It think that's what hurts him the most. Not knowing of what happened to him." She explained and Gideon's gaze returned to Alex by the couch. He sighed pinching his nose bridge together trying to accept this new information.

After Alex's parents left with Nora, Gideon found Alex by the balcony staring at the sky above him. The snow fell on his cheek and it was beautiful to see the dark hair was filled with the white snow. He can see how Alex is lost in his own world staring at the dark sky above his head. He stepped into the balcony wrapping his arm around Alex's waist startling him upon the contact. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you." Gideon apologized and Alex exhaled relaxed in his embrace.

"You want to talk about Henry?" Gideon asks and Alex turned his head sharply at him from the side. His eyebrow crooked and his lips apart. "Nora told me about him." Gideon continued and Alex returned his gaze forward at the rails covered in snow. It took him a while before Alex finally spoke again.

"The last time I saw him was just like this." He says and Gideon could hear the sadness in his voice. "He was going to jump from the rails, ending his own life. I told him not too. I told him I needed him. I never thought he left me the next day." His tears are back and his lips pressed into a thin line. "It hurts. It hurts me so much that after everything we had been through together, he chose to leave either way." Gideon can feel the rage in him and Alex sniffed, wiping his tears in hurried before he turned to face him.

"I can't hold on to something that refused to fight for me, for himself. I made my peace of losing him and I am happy being here with you." Alex says and it brings a smile on Gideon's face. Gideon pressed his lips towards Alex and he softens at the contact. "I'm happy I found you too. I'm sorry about him." Gideon told Alex and he shook his head, "Nothing to be sorry about. People moved on. I did." Gideon can feel Alex is actually lying about it.

There was moments where Alex would called him Henry by mistakes sometimes but he never got angry at him, he knows how much he had made an impact on Alex's life but he knows how unhealthy that would be in their relationship. He never met the guy, Alex had this box of Henry's belonging inside of it and he surprised at the small box holding on so much memories. He caught him looking at the box sometimes when he thought he was alone but Gideon never ask him about it.

He had his weakest moment when he took the box and tried to see what's inside. When he opened them, it was a ring he assumed Henry wore and a piece of letter written by Henry telling him to move on. He never asked Alex about it, he respects him that much. He didn't need to be this insecure knowing Alex choose him to be together and it was enough for him. 

.

"Are you going to the dinner party tomorrow night?" Sophia asks Alex as they walked together side by side after lunch, it was a week after New Year and they are both back on their job. Alex sighed shrugging his shoulder not be able to answer her. "Come on Alex, it's a party. Plus it was said that the hospital received a new sponsor from some filthy rich foundation. They said it was from an ex patient and he is loaded." Sophia says as they walked into the ER together. Alex gave up being an ER doctor years ago and followed Nora footsteps and become a specialist himself. His area of specialty is rehabilitation and injuries. He loves being a therapist and consulting an athlete taking the opportunity himself surrounded with the people who made him think less of Henry.

"We never had that kind of patient before." Alex asks and Sophia shrugs her shoulder. "All I know is that they are welcoming them as the sponsor and wants us to made them feel welcomed." Alex shook his head with a smirk, "Maybe you should make him feel welcome then Soph. After all you're single now." Alex nudged her by her shoulder and she clicked her tongue at him. "Stop! I am done with men, plus we don't know if he's a guy or girl. All they said that it was an ex patient. He can be old and in a wheelchair for all we know." She says and Alex chuckled before he passed by one room making him stopped at his track. "Alex?" Sophia calls looking back at him staring into the room.

"This was the room they brought Henry that night." He whispered and Sophia sighed. She stood beside him staring at the empty room remembered well what happened. "I know. You did great at putting a chest tube in him." She told him and he smiled a half smile. He remembers it well how frightened he was that night. Henry almost died, he did died and they brought him back to life. He didn't even realized a single tear fell on his cheek at the thought of the memory. 

"I'm so sick of missing him." Alex groaned wiping his tears away with the heel of his palm and exhaled a breath. "It's understandable Alex. You both fell in love and he left with no explanation. I would be heartbroken too if I was dumped like you did." She can see Alex nods softly at her. "I'm late, I see you tomorrow at the party? Bring Gideon though." She asks him and he smiled. "Gideon had to go to LA for a case. I see you there." He told her and she waved him goodbye.

Alex took a final look at the room remembering every single memory he had of Henry and decides to put it away. He doesn't want to let his time with Henry ruined everything he had with Gideon. So he turned and left the ER for now and headed to his own office for the day.

.

"So you're finally going to the party?" Gideon asks while he's preparing his suitcase for the trip to LA. Alex is sitting on the bed watching him as he packed his suits and his essential. "Yeah, Nora and Sophie would be there. We're gonna have a good time." Alex says and Gideon went to his side caging him in his arm on the bed before he leaned to kiss him on his lips. "I'm glad." He whispered and Alex smiled widely at him.

"I guess I'll see you in two weeks then." Gideon says and Alex pouted his lower lips at him. "Why you must go that long." He whined and Gideon laughs at him. He still had his arm caged Alex on the bed and Alex's finger traced over the line of his shirt. "It's work plus he's the biggest client. I can't lose them." He says and Alex nods pushing him by his chest.

"Fine, I'll be waiting for you to come home then." Alex says and Gideon smiled before he crashed his lips towards Alex again. "Hmm, you better." He says in between their kiss and soon their soft kisses becoming more heated and the next thing Alex knew, Gideon is already shirtless pulling his pants off of him.

The moment Alex felt his hot mouth grasped on to his length, Alex gasped, curling his finger over Gideon's brunette hair. He can feel the softness of his hair but somehow it wasn't enough for Alex. He can still remember the softness of Henry's blonde hair in between his fingers. The way his eyes staring at him when he sucked his cock and the way his luscious lips are swollen after being kissed by Alex. It was purely heaven to see him writhing underneath him pleading his name.

"Henry." Alex's slipped and the moment Gideon heard him mouthing Henry's name, he stopped and Alex jolted from his pillow. "I d-didn't mean, I- I" Alex stuttered and he couldn't find the words to explain why on earth he mentioned Henry's name while Gideon is right here with him. "It's okay. I know how he meant to you. But I'm right here Alex, not him. He left remember?" Gideon told him and he can see Alex's is at verge of crying. He nods at him and Gideon replied with a soft kiss on his lips.

.

The next morning they both had breakfast together and Alex is making Gideon's favorite, chicken enchiladas. They were both silenced at the thought of last night incident and Alex wanted to apologize at him. "Gideon, I'm-" he was interrupted by Gideon's phone rings and he answered them holding his finger at Alex.

Alex was taken back by Gideon's reaction but knows that it was work and he apologized right after to Alex. "Sorry babe. It's work. What were you saying?" He asks and Alex sighed exhaling his breath. "I'm sorry about last night." He says and Gideon fell silenced before he finally looked up to meet his eyes with a smile on his face. "Don't worry about it. I'm late by the way. Gotta catch that flight." He says and grabbed his suitcase before he pressed his lips towards Alex, "I love you." He says and Alex smiled nodding his head at him, "Ditto."

Gideon smiled knowing well he never heard Alex say it back. After few months of dating, he did told Alex how he felt about him and might have told him he loves him countless time but not once Alex replied with the same exact words. It's always, 'ditto', 'back at you', 'you too' but never 'I love you'. He knew well that Alex loves him, but sometimes he felt like he loves Alex way more than Alex does to him.

He smiles nodding at him before he pulled his suitcase outside of their apartment and Alex was left alone feeling like a fool. "Stupid Alex. Why didn't you just say it?" Alex mutters pressing his fist on his forehead when Gideon left and he sighed. He has to get ready for work and he had to pick up his suit by the dry cleaner for tonight's dinner.