Reject's POV

When I woke up the house was eerily quiet.  I've been here for five days but I already know the boys get up before 8 every day.  They always have some interview or work to do.  Usually their less than quiet morning routine wakes me up and then I fall back asleep again.  I looked at the clock next to my bed.  It was about 9:30 AM.

I yawned and rolled over.  Maybe I can sleep a little more. 

You should go downstairs

I snuggled deeper into into the covers.  Can my brain please shut up?  I was up until almost three in the morning playing video games with Calum and Michael.  I'm really really tired.

Go downstairs and find out why it's quiet

Next I plugged my ears.  Why won't it shut up?

After a while I finally got fed with my mind harassing me about just doing a simple thing so I stumbled out of bed and down the stairs.  I looked out the window right at the top of the stairs.  A car was still in the drive way.  This was especially odd because when they all go to work they take their cars with them.

I crept into the kitchen and peeked in the open doorway to the den.  Michael was there writing intensely into a notebook.  None of the other guys were to be seen or heard.  They were all gone except for him.

Michael didn't look too well.  His hair was sticking up all over the place, obviously showing signs of a restless night.  There was a good amount of stubble covering the lower regions of his face and he hadn't even changed out of his clothes from yesterday.  I started to get a little concerned for Michael's well-being.  Is he okay?

I wanted to ask him to make sure but I didn't want to upset him.  Besides, I shouldn't talk unless I'm spoken to.  That's what I lived by when I was with my father.  They might turn on me too.

So I managed to get by Michael without being seen and went down to my art studio.  I flipped to a new page in my sketchbook and picked up a red colored pencil.  Absentmindedly I drew a heart and started coloring it in a deep crimson color.  I could feel my mind start to wander and disassociate.  I hope Michael is okay.  What is going to happen if he's not okay?  What if he dies?  I don't want him to die, I don't want anyone to die.

Instantly my mind started spinning with all kind of horrible fantasies and images.  In my head everything went wrong and I could almost see it all going down.  I could feel my body getting worked up and breathing getting heavier.  I knew that all of this was fake and just in my head but it felt so real.  Sometimes I feel like I have trouble distinguishing what is real and what isn't.

I looked back down at my heart.  Somehow while I was panicking I had filled in the heart.  A black colored pencil was now in my hand instead of a red one.  A thick jagged line ran down the middle of the heart, splitting it into two distinctive pieces.  Shadowy figures filled in the rest of the page.  The figures didn't really have any certain shape.  They were sort of like spirits, ghosts maybe.

Go upstairs

There they go again.  Those annoying intrusive thoughts.  I wish they'd just leave me alone.

Go upstairs now

So that I wouldn't have a thousand stupid words in my head, I went upstairs again.  Maybe I can get some food or something.  When I got up to the kitchen Michael was standing in front of the fridge.  I got myself a cup of tap water and set the glass down roughly so that it would make a loudish sound when it was put down.  I need to make sure he's okay.

"Huh?  What?" Michael looked around to find the source of the noise, "Oh, hi Rae."

I grabbed a whiteboard from the kitchen counter.

Where are the rest of the guys?

Michael shrugged, "They're out.  It's just me and you today."

Are you okay?

"I'm good." Michael said not quite confidently, "Do you want to watch a movie?  I need a distraction."

Sure

I went over to the fridge where he was standing.  My stomach has been growling all morning.  I pointed to plate of leftover pizza.  Michael nodded and I took a slice.

"Don't you want to heat it up or something?" He asked me.

I shook my head and peeled off a slice of pepperoni.

Michael smiled, "You're an interesting one, miss Jasey Rae."

My insides filled with a warmth and I could feel maybe a safe feeling spread through my body.  A nickname.  No one has ever given me a special nickname like that.  There's Rae, but that's just short for my name and everyone calls me it.  He called me something unique that no one has ever said to me before.  It makes me happy.  No, maybe not happy.  Special.  Like I matter to him.

Save your thoughts.  It's just a stupid thing he did.  It's not worth thinking over.

"C'mon." He beckoned me over to the couch, "Let's find something to watch."

He navigated to Netflix and then let me scroll through the movies.  I went immediately to the horror section.  Jessie said that domestic abuse survivors find horror movies very triggering so it's kind of weird that I love them so much.

"Signs is good." Michael told me and pointed to a vintage looking movie.  I haven't seen it yet but he says it's good so I guess I'll give it a shot.

There was a fleece blanket to my right so I picked it up and covered myself with it.  There's nothing that goes better with horror movies than cold pizza and fluffy blankets.

"Hey!  That's my blanket!" Michael said.  I quickly pulled it off and gave it back to him.  Oh God, I really hope I didn't screw up.  I didn't mean to take his stuff.  I hope he can forgive me.

"No it's okay." He assured me, "Here, we can share.  You'll have to move a little closer though."

Tentatively, I scooted just a bit so that the couch space between was shortened.  I could feel my heart rate speed up.

He might hurt you

Michael placed the blanket so that half was on his lap and the other half was on mine.  I held my breath as he leaned over me to tuck in the blanket around my legs.

"There we go!" Michael grinned in triumph, "Now for the movie!"

I settled in the cushions and tried to get my brain to concentrate on the film.  But I just couldn't.  My mind kept wandering no matter how hard I told it to stop.  All my thoughts were centered around one person: Michael.

Some thoughts were telling me to get closer to him and see if he would love me.  Other ones told me to get as far away from him as possible.  It felt like bats were flying around in my brain.  A whole swarm of bats.  They were everywhere all at once.  My mind is just so Loud and I want it to Stop.

Cautiously, I leaned agaist Michael. The sensations of his warm body against mine was new to me. I can't remember the last time I touched someone voluntarily, much less showed any kind of affection. He was so enthralled by the movie I doubt he could even process that I was even touching him. That's what I was hoping for, anyway.

"Hey, you're breathing really heavily." Michael remarked, "Is everything okay?"

I nodded quickly and broke the physical contact I had with him. I didn't even notice I was breathing that hard. Michael just shrugged and returned his attention to the TV.

After the movie was over the same lifeless gaze returned to the boy's eyes. It was really weird. I've never seen him look this way. It worried me. I took a deep breath and picked up the whiteboard that was on the coffee table. I want to know why he is upset.

Why are you sad?

"Sad?" Michael managed a nervous laugh, "Why would you say that? I'm not sad."

I looked Michael straight in the eye, something I don't often do. I knew he was lying. He knew he was lying. Michael might be good about covering it up around other people but I know pain when I see it.

Pain can take many forms. There's the physical kind. The bruises from being kicked, red lashes from a belt, protruding ribs from a pantry that has never truly been filled, and broken bones as the result of a drunken rage. That kind of pain is the hardest to cover up and the easiest to spot. It's right there on the surface.

But it's the internal pain that is the simplest to conceal. Anyone can be fooled by a smile and a few joyfully spoken words. It's not hard to do and chances are that you know very few people that know enough to see through it.

Well lucky for Michael, I've experienced a whole world of pain. He couldn't hide any of it from me.

"Rae you know about depression, right?" Michael asked me. I nodded. "You know that it's not just feeling sad for a few days, that it's an actual mental illness?" I nodded again.

"Well Jasey-Rae, I have depression. Clinically diagnosed." He looked down at the floor, "Sometimes I have bad days. I feel like I a walking corpse. I'm just unable to function."

His gaze floated elsewhere and then back to me, "When I feel like that the rest of the guys let me have a day off. I have to work from home and still make lyrics and things like that but it's better than having to go into the studio and write in there."

A bell rang in my mind. The drawing from earlier. I should show him it. I quickly jumped up from the couch and went down to my art room. I ripped the page out of the sketchbook and went back up to where we were on the couch.

"What's this?" Michael gingerly took the paper from my hand, "Rae did you make this?"

I nodded. I hope he's not mad. I really really hope he isn't mad.

"Rae, this is really dark." He looked back at me, "Is this your heart?"

I shrugged

Michael shook his head, "You can't just not know. Is this what your heart looks like? 'Cause I can tell you it looks a hell of a lot like mine."

I sat down on the couch and rested my head on his shoulder. Maybe he needs love just like I do. Maybe we're not so different.

"Can I hold your hand? Would that be okay?"

To answer his question, I put my hand overtop of his so that our fingers interlaced. A slow smile spread across Michael's face.

"Maybe we could help eachother." He said slowly, "You obviously know me and I can learn to get to know you. No one knows how to put together a broken heart more than a person who's already been broken, right?"

I squeezed his hand tighter as if to say that I understood. For once I felt a sense of security, of safety. I didn't think for an instant that Michael would try to hurt me. He's just broken.

We're all broken.

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i loved rewriting this chapter

they're so cute