//TW: mentions of verbal and physical abuse, self-hatred, eating disorders/ problems with food, swearing\\

Thomas

The day slid by slowly, an endless tirade of false pretenses taking its sweet time in delivering the precious refuge the night had to offer, with its starry embrace and the one person in the entire world who seemed to make everything just a bit more tolerable. I cowered from the sunlight as it pressed in on me, tearing our union apart and forcing us back into the pathetic hiding places we managed to find as the world around us seemed to thrive in its glow. The dark rooms meant to imitate the only relief we got, the loveless lives we led now that we no longer had one another to turn to. The sun, with its intense glare and unrelenting heat, exposed the city—and by extension, the world—for what it truly was, a desperate place filled with desperate people fighting to survive.

There was nothing to be loved or cherished about the day, not here. Not now. It brought with it nothing but pain and heartache as I stared at a sunrise I could not experience with the boy I cared about more than anything. I longed for the sun to disappear just as it did in the amethyst hopes of dusk, just to reveal the stars and to feel their light dance across my face. No, the daylight was a curse, especially if it meant James gripping me tighter, tugging me further and further down a path I had walked once a long time ago, and had no interest in walking along ever again.

But there was something about the safety of the night, something so peaceful, so serene. A promise of a respite from the exhaustion of the day. And slowly, it had become the only thing I had to look forward to, even if seeing Alexander was a once in a while sort of thing. Just having the ability to escape from James and the tight grip he had around my hand every moment we were together, forever leaving bruises in the places just covered by my sleeves, was good enough for me. I could survive the worst of it as long as I had him left to turn to.

So I hid from the day, and I embraced the night and all that it stood for.

The noises and sights of countless people milling about, just now getting ready to start the day flooded my senses as James and I entered a small coffee shop. I surveyed the place instinctively. What was I looking for? Not quite sure. But I was looking for something.

Perhaps I would see him. It filled me with an unwelcome shame, how I hungered to see him every moment of every day we spent apart. How I wished to see his face, his smile, and know that everything would be alright one day. Even if it never could be, the fleeting hope was more than I could ever ask for.

But he was nowhere to be found, no doubt no longer searching for the tower I had been locked away in. And even if I did see him, I'd just have to pretend that he was another face in an endless crowd of people. And I think that would've broken me more than anything else in the world. To have to force myself to regret everything that he and his love was, even if it was only for a few moments.

"Come on, Tommy," James said, slapping on that sickly sweet tone he put on whenever we were in public. It was strange. If you didn't know what he was like whenever we were alone, you'd never be able to tell that he was the abusive monster that he was.

Perhaps thats why I fell for his tricks, for his deceit. Perhaps thats why I never noticed each and every warning flag waving high up in the sky for all the world to see until it was much too late.

But now that I had seen the goodness in the world, the true wonder that love really was, it made me wonder how I had ever been stupid enough to fall for his lies in the first place.

James cast me the most innocent smile, a sickening imitation of the person I had known a century before. He was not that boy, not any longer, but he still somehow wore that mask so perfectly that I myself had believed him in my desperation for a perfect life, a perfect relationship, to fill the holes I had carved with my own hand.

But from the outside, perhaps that's all we appeared as. Two strangers blended into an overwhelmingly large crowd.

I guess that's why nobody really paid that much attention to us as we stood in line.

I wonder how we look through the eyes of somebody else, sometimes. I wonder if anybody else notices the way he grips my hand as if his intention is to hurt. I wonder if anybody else notices the looks he shoots me, like those of a starved predator desperate for another taste, abiding its time before it can finally unleash its claws. I wonder if anybody else notices me, notices the way I flinch with every loud noise, every sudden movement.

I certainly hope not.

All I want is to fade away, for nobody to ever see me again. For the rest of the world to pass me by as I lay in that solitary field, gazing up at the glorious dark blue, star-encrusted sky. All I want is for everything to finally end, and for everything to become nothing, for there is no other solution.

You can't fix someone that has been destroyed countless times in so many different ways, tugged at and played with and bent so far out of recognition that he is only the shadow of the person he once was. You can't bring somebody back from the brink when they've already crossed the threshold and embraced hatred and despair. You can't protect somebody who's already fallen.

And I am not talking about myself.

You cannot save James.

But that doesn't mean you still can't try.

"Tommy, are you hungry?"

The truth was that yes, I was very hungry. But saying that I was would be ridiculous, especially in front of James. I already know how he would respond.

His eyes searched mine, waiting for me to answer. They flickered downward, tracing the curve of my body, and I could already hear the thousands of thinly veiled insults he had readied on the tip of his tongue, insults that would work just as well as they always did and hurt me in a multitude of ways.

Do you really need to eat?

You should really watch your weight.

Look at your body, do you really need it?

I swallowed down the thought, wishing it would burn away in the sun just like I did, and shifted a little bit away from James. Just so his grip didn't hurt as much. Just so I could find a relief, however momentary.

"I guess," I murmured, my head ducked.

"I'm sorry, honey, I couldn't hear you. What was that?"

I blinked, swallowing. James reached forward, gripping me tighter, his smile such a farce I couldn't believe so many people fell for it. He was the perfect puppeteer, even learning how to use himself like a marionette attached to invisible strings. How could it be so easy for somebody to twist the world to his will? I would never understand him.

But I supposed it hardly mattered.

"C'mon, Tommy," he said innocently enough, but I wasn't too stupid to understand and cower at the threat lingering under his tone.

"I—"

His voice dipped down, drawing closer to me so that whatever he had to say could never be carried off just to reach somebody else's ears. Nobody else would ever know of the way he gripped me like I belonged to him, like he had every right to hurt me because it's always been what I've deserved. "Do you have something you want to tell me?"

I glanced around, desperate to know that somebody else had heard him, somebody else had noticed the way with which he battered with me. I needed somebody else as my witness, to convince that perhaps I hadn't just made all of this up.

I dropped my head, my skin burning under his heated gaze. He was just like that horrible sunlight, overbearing, insistent upon taking the only good thing that had ever happened to me and breaking it into a million tiny pieces that could never be repaired quite the same way. He burned, blistering my skin wherever his touch lingered.

But the way he said it, the disdain with which he forced out those words, made me wonder if he had known all along. If my secret had once and for all been exposed. If he was going to kill me just so I never got to know what it is to be loved.

I'd rather die in the worst possible ways than every spend another moment in his arms.

But this isn't about me, anymore. I am nothing more than a pawn in a game; for this is about protecting Alexander, protecting my friends. And a pawn must be sacrificed here and there, only to protect the king.

He let out a scoff, shaking his head in a cruel disappointment that stamped itself on my soul. How sad, that even after all he had done to hurt me, I still desperately sought his approval like the vain little child I truly was, deep down. When he spoke, I still couldn't quite tell if he knew of how I spent my nights. "Of course not. That's what I thought."

His words made their mark on me, carving deep into my flesh. It burned away the thin layer of contentedness hiding the resentment lurking so deep down within me, and something within me sparked, crackled, burned.

And in that one moment, I made up my mind. I got tired of all that life had thrown at me. I was done. "Yes," I said evenly, raising my head to meet his gaze. "I am hungry."

The air grew still, the voices surrounding us louder, louder, louder. Their echoing screams thundered against my mind, shoving the world into complete and utter disarray as each fought for dominance, fought to make my world a living nightmare. The grind of the coffee press, the slamming of the door, the clatter of utensils against plates, and, of course, the voices. An unending cacophony of relentless, white noise.

And between it all stood James, completely silent. He stared up at me, and whatever embers of courage that had exploded inside of me was nothing compared to the flames of his cold wrath, seeping through the café and burning all that so much as hinted at the simple fact that I was unhappy with him.

That I hated him.

But the anger disappeared moments later, replaced by a cold, indifferent smile. His fingers clenched around my wrist, fingernails digging into my skin, no doubt breaking the flesh. I bit down on my tongue to suppress a gasp, terrified to let him see that he had won, but there was no point. He gazed at me with triumph as he silently reaffirmed what we both knew: I had no place to stand up against him.

"What did you say, Tommy? I couldn't hear you." His fingers clutched tighter, delighting in every bit of pain he inflicted.

I withered under his stare, and yet enjoyed the feel of it, especially if it facing him. It filled my with a thrilling sense of adrenaline, the same feeling of free-fall just as the ground came into view as you plummeted. James tilted his head, daring me to answer him, perhaps looking for validation in his conquest to hurt.

And I broke first, dropping my gaze back down and murmuring an apology. James gripped my hand tightly once more, one last effort to prove to me—or rather, himself—that I would always belong to him. And there was nothing I could ever do to change that.

"Good boy," he said, letting go of my hand and returning to his phone. And once again, I faded to his background, I became nothing more than a second thought.

I let out a short breath of relief a few seconds later, just quiet enough so he wouldn't notice. As ashamed as I was with myself for not being able to stand up for myself, for being too afraid to endure through the worst flames of his wrath, to accept beating after beating in the unfaithful name of justice, the relief settling my stomach was far too great to be imagined.

Of course he wouldn't say or do anything in public.

Not that anyone would care if he did. Nobody would care in the slightest. They would move about their day, pretending that nothing had even happened, and that would be that.

Humans have a tendency to ignore the things the don't like or agree with. They walk past the things they dislike, pretending it doesn't exist. Their mentality is that if we ignore something for long enough, it'll go away. And if it doesn't, hey, we can just claim ignorance and be innocent bystanders.

People like to believe that everything will be alright. They like to to believe that everything will always end up with the good guys winning... and that doesn't always happen.

But that's what make people happy. It's what gives them hope. To believe that after every storm, there's a rainbow. And who am I to take that away? Who am I to tell people that they can't look to the one thing that makes them happy, even though it's unrealistic and pointless?

Maybe the only reason that it doesn't work for me is because I'm incapable of seeing the bright side. Maybe it's because for four years, and maybe even countless more that have yet to come, I've been conditioned into looking for the worst and being pleasantly surprised when something actually goes right for once.

But maybe that's just what comes of a broken toy, to never know what love and hope look like as your pieces forever lay just out of your reach, and your only companions are the memories of a forgone age.

I could never fully explain the relief soaring through my chest the second we reached the front of the line, the second the dreaded silence fell away to the first friendly interaction in full view of the sun and daylight that I've had in a while.

"Hello, what can I get for you today?" the barista brightly chirped.

James put on a friendly smile. "Just a black coffee please."

It was so easy for him to be nice, to show kindness to anybody else but me. Why was I the exception? Why would I never be good enough for the one person I have sacrificed more for than anybody else?

The worst part of the question I asked myself was that I would never get a true response.

"Okay! Is that all?" she asked, glancing at me.

In those few seconds, she saw me. I was not a faceless person in a crowd. I was not a stranger wandering through dimly lit streets, one of those figures you see in your peripheral but are never fully aware of. No, in those short-lived seconds, to her, I was another human being. A creature that needs love and light in order to flourish, a creature that is happy to deliver it in return.

She may not have known anything about me, not even my name, but in those few seconds, she saw me for exactly what I was. And it was beautiful.

I hesitated for a moment. "Uh... no, actually. Would you mind throwing in a breakfast sandwich please?"

"Would you like a drink to go with that?"

"Uh, just water's fine," I returned, wishing for more but already hearing James's inevitable threats whispering through my ear. It wasn't hard to imagine just how he would hurt me for this one small transgression, just for breaking his illusion of control. It wasn't hard to imagine how for another day, I would watch the world come crumbling down, exposed by the sunlight.

"Alright, will that be all?"

"Yes. I think so."

I counted out the total and handed it to her as James gazed onwards with silent disapproval, our hands brushing for the briefest of moments. I almost flinched away at the unexpected moment, but managed to embrace it for however long it was.

"Have a great day!" the barista chirped.

"Thanks," I said, smiling to myself as I looked up at her. "I will. And you too."

James pulled me aside as we waited for our order, his eyes drilling holes into the back of my head. "Really?" he snapped under his breath. "Was that really necessary?"

I didn't bother answering him, for anything I said would just add fuel to the fire that burned away all that was good in this world. So I shrugged, looked down at the bright, clean white tiles of the floor.

"When we get home, you are in so much trouble," he hissed under his breath.

Fine. Let him do whatever he could to me. He could beat me and hurt me and make me bleed.

But he could never burn away those seeds of rebellion already beginning to grow deep down.

~•~

Anticipation pooled in my stomach as I glanced outside, watching the sun dip down over the horizon. Even if I couldn't see him tonight, even if he would physically be out of my reach, I'd still have him only a few messages away. The second the moon took its rightful place, painting the world in navy dotted with little white islands forever glittering above our heads, the world would become ours.

I laid on my bed, the room mostly dark except for the white light of my phone as it illuminated my face. I was humming a song quietly to myself. James was in his own room doing who knows what. And that was fine by me.

I flipped through a book I had read a thousand times before, the old and faded pages a comfort that kept me grounded in reality as I waited for my phone to chime that sweet, hopeful note. As much as I loved the book, and even though I had read it a million times before and managed to lose myself to its inky words every single one of those times, I just couldn't bring myself to focus. Not when the promise of Alexander fluttered so close, carried by translucent wings fabricated from what one could almost call love, if they weren't too scared to.

Finally, my phone dinged. I pushed the book away from and practically dove for it, bringing it close to me so I could better soak in every word that he typed out, so I could close my eyes and pretend he was right next to me, letting the memory of his singsong voice glide through the air, even if it was a ghost.

Alexander: Hey.

Alexander: Im bored

Thomas:  awwww poor bb :(

Alexander: Dont take pity on me. This is ur fault, fool

Alexander: And you have left me no choice but to annoy you constantly with my love and make sure you're okay.

Alexander: You've brought this upon yourself, bitch.

I smiled at his text.

God, what did I do to deserve him?

He deserved so much more than to have to put up with me.

I left him, and I've told him to hate me, and I'm trying to make it as easy as possible. Yet he still cares about me.

I don't deserve him.

He's amazing.

He could have anyone in the whole wide world.

This is his chance to move on, to find someone who deserves him more than I do.

But he just didn't quit.

Does he ever know when to stop?

I guess not.

But that's okay.

There's nobody I'd rather share my burdens with, nobody I'd rather have fight by my side. His mere presence made me smile; the simple fact that he existed and he cared for me more than anybody else ever has filled my heart with those intangible butterflies always complicating everything.

And if he was willing to stand by me, to offer me the love I so desperately sought, who would I be to say no?

Alexander: So, how are you doing?

I smiled and quickly typed out a reply, desperate not to let this slip by me as so many other things did. If I could just keep hin clutched as tightly to me as possible, maybe, in the end, it'll become so much easier to suffer through the worst life has to throw at me.

Either that, or it'll make it so much harder to finally push him away before he gets hurt.

Thomas: Awful, but better than usual

Thomas: wbu?

Alexander: Take a guess.

Thomas: you've been sleeping, right??

Alexander: I'm trying

Alexander: I promise, I'm trying

I frowned. He was making this so much harder than it had to be. All he had to do was find someone else and he could be happy again. Not that he was ever happy with me in the first place. But whatever.

Thomas: You won't be mad if I tell you about something, would you?

Alexander: OF COURSE NOT!

Alexander: Please! Whenever you have to talk to me, TALK TO ME

Alexander: I'll listen. Promise.

Alexander: :)

I smiled again, took a deep breath, and continued to type. I pushed down the hesitation, the doubt rolling through the pit of my stomach, and allowed myself to pour all I had been looking forward to saying to him all day, practically since the moment I woke up.

Thomas: Well, for what its worth, I'm trying to eat again!!!

Thomas: I mean, I had a decent breakfast and a full lunch, but I was too full to eat dinner

Thomas: But I'm eating again. So there's that.

Thomas: sooooo yeahhhhhh im pretty much awesome now correct???

Alexander: Seriously?!?

Alexander: Thomas that's amazing!!!!

Alexander: You probably don't know this but I just whooped in excitement.

Alexander: And yes you are the most awesome and im so glad you see it too

I let out a small laugh.

God, why was it so easy to laugh around him?

Alexander: I'm so proud of you. Stay strong Thomas. I believe in you.

Alexander: But whenever you need to talk to someone, please text or call me.

Alexander: You're never a bother.

Alexander: Head up. You can do this.

I grinned, shifting so I was laying on my stomach, and typed out a response.

Contrary to the sun and its slow path across the day-lit sky, the night came and went much quicker. Before either of us knew it, as involved as we were in making the other smile, laugh, feel good for once, it was already two in the morning, and I could hardly keep my eyes open.

But as we said our temporary goodbyes—and how nice it was to know that such a thing would always be temporary—and I turned off my screen to let darkness engulf the room, unbroken by moonlight due to its absence from my window, I knew that it wouldn't be long before sleep gripped me, and the thought of him followed me into my dreams.

I only hoped that version of him was as wonderful and perfect as the real one, the one I'd never trade for the world.

But we can't have everything we want, now, can we?