//TW: swearing, trauma, harassment, physical abuse, and bruises\\

Alexander

"Dump Alexander."

"John—" Thomas's voice floated through the apartment as I stepped inside, a note of concern tainting the music that reached my ears. My muscles tensed as I quietly closed the door behind me, waiting with a sense of vitriolic anger that fueled a fire deep inside of me. My fingers curled into fists as I readied a thousand sharp insults with the sole intent to defend my Thomas.

"Dump him. Do it now."

"John are you crying?" Thomas said, his laugh an instant relief far more effective than any kind of euthanasia. I let myself relax, finally releasing the tension that had built up all day since the moment I had left him that morning. A sigh coaxed itself from my lips, but neither of the other two noticed me, not even as I stepped forward into the natural light pouring through the room.

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"This is the nicest fucking thing anybody's ever done for me, okay? Dump Alexander and date me instead!"

Thomas laughed, and I let myself revel in the music of his laughter for just a moment longer, afraid that if I stepped into something that wasn't mine, I would watch it slip right through my fingers. A heavenly scent drifted through the air, sweet and warm and perfect that made my mouth water in less than a few seconds. I let my guard down; I let the worries and the troubles of the day wash away under a gentle rain. And for the first time that day, the air I breathed in was sweet and refreshingly cold.

"Why are we dumping me?" I asked after gathering the courage to intrude on the moment. But the glimmer of joy didn't flicker from Thomas's eyes as I joined John at the counter. If anything, it only intensified, and what better feeling is there than to know that you are the reason somebody's happy? My heart could have stopped in my chest and I wouldn't have even noticed, as lost as I was in Thomas's gaze and his blindingly perfect smile. There was nothing else in the world as long as there was him, and I wouldn't mind it at all if it stayed that way.

John crossed his arms. "You can't have him anymore. Thomas is my boyfriend now. You don't get a say in the matter." I opened my mouth to question him, but John cut me off a second later. "Alexander, he's making me cheesecake. You know how much I fucking love cheesecake. He did this for me. Because he could. This isn't fair, and you don't deserve him, and I'm going to date him now."

"Okay," I said, glancing up at Thomas as he set to work cutting into the cheesecake. "And what's your stance on this?"

Thomas shrugged, never taking his eyes off of the dessert as he continued creating his masterpiece. A coy smile played across his face, a rarity, but a delightful one. "I figured you can't leave me for John if I leave you for John first."

Okay, as stupid and ridiculous as it, I have to admit...it's not a terrible thought...

"Is this what it feels like to be loved?" John chirped. A twinge of greed and absolute delight overtook his gaze as Thomas served him a generous slice of cheesecake.

I laughed, grinning up at my Thomas as he fetched another plate and cut a slice for me. For a moment, everything was perfect, especially as Thomas took another piece for himself—a bit smaller, but at least it was something—and smiled the second he delicately slipped the fork into his mouth. John groaned in absolute delight, shoveling the dessert into his mouth with a ferocity that made me laugh.

"So, what brought this up?" I asked, dipping my finger in the raspberry sauce dripped along the top of the cake. "Not that I'm complaining or anything."

John grinned triumphantly. "Well I texted Thomas earlier this morning to see if he wanted to hang out and do some painting together, and somehow, it ended with this." He turned to Thomas, eyes alight with stars.

Thomas shrugged, gazing down with a little flicker of pride in his eyes. "It's no big deal, really. I wanted to make something sweet anyway, and we had most of the ingredients already, so..."

"No big deal!? I beg to fucking differ! Oh, and this is the best fucking thing I've ever eaten in my life. Thomas, you should be a professional chef or some shit."

Thomas laughed lightly, covering his mouth with his hand. "Oh, I wish. But it's a bit too...cutthroat for me."

John's smile instantly fell from his face, morphing into a deadpan look. "Was that intentional?"

Thomas shrugged again, smiling happily to himself as he took another bite. I watched him for a long moment, breathing in a deep sigh of the sweet, peaceful atmosphere of our home. Everything from earlier, the fear and the worry and everything that associated itself with the monster trying to ruin my boyfriend's life, just melted away. For a moment, there was happiness. There was joy. There was a small, irregular blip in time where everything seemed the way it should be, and it was a moment to be cherished, a memory to be photographed and held onto forever.

I wanted to carve the image of Thomas's perfect smile into my mind forever. I wanted to never have to go another day without knowing what it felt like to be the subject of it. I adored it, almost as much as I adored him, and I'd do anything in the entire world if it meant getting to see him smile like this until the end of time.

It's funny. I can't picture a future without him as a permanent part of it.

But that didn't change all that had happened.

A week had passed, and I was growing more and more worried about my Thomas. Even though he constantly insists that he's fine, that he's okay, that it doesn't bother him, it's pretty easy to tell that he isn't fine, that it's not okay, and that it does bother him.

He's afraid. He's constantly looking over his shoulder. He's never relaxed anymore. He acts as if any moment could be his last.

And there was barely anything I could do about it.

But right here, sitting in the kitchen with one of our friends, delighting in a simple yet absolutely world-halting dessert created by my favorite person in the entire world, it was easy to forget all that had happened one, horrible week ago. It was easy to smile and breathe, and live for the sake of living and loving. It was easy to imagine that the worst of times was finally behind us, and that after this was finally all over, this would be my future. This wonderful boy standing in front of me, his laugh unlike any song I'd ever had the pleasure to hear before.

It was easy to believe that he was mine and I was his and there was nothing else that could ever come between that.

"Everything okay, Alexander?" Thomas asked after a moment, his smile faltering. God, I hated being the reason he frowned.

"Yeah, yeah," I said with a sigh. "I'm just happy to be here with you."

"And me!" John exclaimed teasingly, leaning forward and slicing off a bit of my cake to steal for his own.

"No. You are God's mistake."

"Your face is a mistake."

"Ooh, ouch. I'm so hurt by that. You have no idea of the pain you just caused."

"Hey, Alex?"

"Yes?"

"You're a bitch."

Thomas sighed. "Please don't call my boyfriend that."

"Or what?" John returned, cocking his head.

"Or I won't ever bake you cheesecake ever again." A swell of pride lodged in my throat as I grinned over at my boy, his eyes returning the smile even if his mouth didn't.

"No! Wait! I'm sorry!"

"Hmm. That's what I thought," Thomas semi-teased. He turned back to me, propping his chin up on the flat of his palm. "So, uh, how was your day, Alexander?"

"Long. Horrible."

"Oh. I'm sorry, dear." His joy seemed to fade right along with mine. "What happened?"

I sighed. Appetite suddenly vanishing in thin air, I pushed my plate closer to John and folded my arms on the countertop. The happiness dissipated in mere seconds, overcome by a mourning too heavy to be spoken or acknowledged. It weighed down on all three of us, forever trapping us underneath its impossible weight for such an abstract feeling.

"Well, the police finally called me back today," I said, twisting the fork around in my fingers. I think I would have liked to stab somebody with that fork. "They've concluded that there's nothing they can do. They won't even investigate."

"Those fuckers," John growled, his smile shattering along the floor.

Thomas sighed, folding in on himself like a delicate house of cards. His gaze wandered, and he poked at the cheesecake in front of him, suddenly uninterested. Something flickered in his gaze, an ember of grief, a spark of anger, but it was gone within moments, carried away by the wind.

"Love? Say something?"

He shrugged, gazing down at the half-eaten slice still sitting on his plate, discarded. "I mean," he said quietly, a mere breath. "I'm not all that surprised. That's what they said the first time I tried to...well, I suppose it doesn't really matter."

"It does matter! It should matter!"

"It doesn't really, though," Thomas mumbled underneath his breath, his fingers tightening around the handle of the fork. For a horrible second, I thought he was going to stab himself with the silver prongs. Perhaps he wanted to. Perhaps there was that innate desire fighting for control. But regardless, he dropped the fork against the table and pushed the rest of his slice towards John, who gazed at it guiltily.

"Thomas, somebody needs to fucking do something."

He tensed slightly the second I raised my voice, a little action hardly noticeable unless you were looking for it. Unfortunately, I was. How unfair, that he stills flinches with the smallest shift in volume. And how horrible of me to still not be able to stop myself from scaring him, from inducing that brief sense of panic, however fleeting. It shouldn't happen. Not anymore. I should be better, calmer, not as capable of exploding the way I do. I cannot be the one to hurt him, especially when the rest of the world conspires to do it. He should not be waiting for me to hit him.

I reached across the table, taking his hand in mine as gently as possible, hopefully the exact opposite to the pain he had been involuntarily expecting. "I'll talk to them again, raise hell if I have to."

"I'm pretty sure they can arrest you for harassing an officer," John pointed out. "So, maybe not the wisest idea?"

"When did you suddenly become okay with law enforcement?"

"Oh! Never. I just think it'd fucking suck if you were put in jail and Thomas had nobody to turn to then, wouldn't you?"

"I thought we were dating now," Thomas pointed out with the smallest hint of a smile. "Wouldn't I have you to turn to?"

"Oh, yes. How could I forget? Anything for you, Thomas!" He winked, then grinned. "This is great, by the way. Having four love interests."

"Oh, isn't it, like, the best thing ever?" I frowned. "Wait, who are the other two?"

"Uh...never mind."

"John—?"

"You wouldn't know them," he said, red pooling into his face.

I turned back to Thomas as he played with his hands, gazing at them as if they were the most important thing in the world. It took everything I had not to audibly sigh. "We'll talk to them again tomorrow."

"It won't do any good."

"You shouldn't have to live like this anymore. They've got to do something."

"They won't. Even if we had any sort of evidence whatsoever, it's just—" He paused, gasping for air as though he'd never breath again. "It's just not worth it."

I sighed, squeezing his hand a little bit more. Just to keep him grounded, to keep him here. Some moments, especially in this past week, it didn't seem like it would take a while lot for him to float away. The smallest updraft, and he'd be gone, like a runaway balloon never to be seen again. Like a fading star, almost invisible to the eye the second the sun came up. As much as I wanted him to feel that rush of freedom that came with the flight, the thought of him falling to a slow, agonizing death terrified me.

"I mean," John said suddenly. "We could get the mafia involved."

"That's the worst fucking idea you've ever had."

"No, wait," Thomas said. "He might be on to something."

"No! We are not getting the mafia involved!"

"Awww, buzzkill," John pouted, gazing at his empty plate with remorse. "Umm...is there anymore?"

"Mhmm."

"May I have some more, please?"

Thomas grinned. "Of course, John."

"See?" John crowed, turning to me. "I'm gonna steal him from you." But as Thomas scooped his plate up and returned to the opposite end of the counter, John grabbed me by the arm and pulled me closer, the teasing manner in his gaze replaced by something a lot colder and mercilessly stiff almost spontaneously.

"What is it?" I asked, tensing immediately. There could only be one reason he would change like that, and it wasn't good.

"James's been texting him all day," John mumbled, keeping his voice low as if to keep it from Thomas. "I've seen the shit he's been sending him, Alexander. It made me wanna fucking throw up. Whatever you do, please be soft with him, okay? Don't bring it up because he told me not to tell you, but...please. Just keep reminding him how much you care about him or whatever shit you usually do. I think he really needs it today."

"Thank you," I said, the weight returning to my chest, hungry to suffocate the life from my lungs. "For telling me. And of course, I'll do what I always do."

John relaxed, drawing away just a tiny bit. "I'd show you, but I made Thomas delete them all and block James."

"What are you two talking about?" Thomas asked, as if there was any way he didn't already know. He set yet another slice down in front of John, who grinned as if he had just been handed the entire world on a silver platter.

"Oh, you know. This and that." He paused. "The mafia, really."

"I knew you had connections."

"Hey, man. Whatever you need, just let me know. You've won me over, boyfriend," John said with a horrendous attempt at a wink. I rolled my eyes. "Okay, but in all seriousness, I should probably go or Lafayette will have my head. I promised Hercules I'd help him with his sewing and stuff."

"Then why would Lafayette—?"

"Have you met Laf?" John returned, crossing his arms.

"Ah, fair enough, I suppose."

Thomas laughed softly, once more covering his mouth with his hands as if his happiness was a secret this world wasn't yet ready for. In all fairness, it probably wasn't.

"Alright, John. Thank you so much for hanging out with me. See you later?"

"Oh! Thank you for putting up with my dumb fucking ass! And for the cheesecake, obviously. And yes, see you later."

"Bye, John. Don't kill anybody."

"No promises," he returned, closing the door behind him as he left me and my Thomas standing alone by the counter.

"Well," Thomas said, turning behind him. "I guess I should clean up."

"I can take care of it later."

"I'd rather just get done with it now," he said, his hand reaching for the faucet, but I took it in my own and pulled him away, forcing him to let go of the plate. "Alexander—"

"Relax. I'll take care of it later, I promise," I said, gently leading him to the couch and sitting him down so he was close enough to me. "How was your day, love? I never got to ask."

Thomas sighed, gazing at my lap with a longing look that made me grin. "A lot better now that you're here."

"Awww," I teased, pulling him onto my lap. Thomas blinked, whether in confusion or surprise, then softened and just went along with it. I absolutely adored the way his face flushed though, the way he adjusted himself ever so slightly. "I missed you too."

"Well, that's good. Otherwise, it'd be pretty awkward." The light from the window poured in behind him, creating an almost halo-like glow to shape around his head. I breathed in deep, inhaling the scent of the flowers that had slowly pooled into the main room from ours. It made the place look alive and colorful and breathtakingly gorgeous, all a mark of my Thomas. It made my apartment truly feel like a home.

I smiled up at him, admiring the tiny flicker of his own smile in response. My thumb drifted forwards on its own accord, brushing against his lips as they parted lightly. "Kiss, baby?" I murmured, and without waiting, he leaned in and closed the distance between our lips.

I sighed against his mouth, my hands gripping his waist and pulling him even closer to me. A chill ran up the back of his spine, and I grinned to myself as I sucked at his lower lip, expressing everything I couldn't quite say out loud with the harmony of our kiss. Thomas slid his fingers through my hair as if he just couldn't get enough, and I was more than happy to supply him with whatever he needed.

He tasted sweet, just as sweet as he always did, and the scent of his rosy perfume melted away the rest of the world as I kissed him and slid my tongue against his closed lips and slowly and softly claimed him as mine.

"Alexander," he whispered as my lips trailed downwards, working softly as the side of his neck. I slowly undid the first button of his flannel shirt to give myself just a little bit more room to kiss and suck on. More room to hear his little gasps and squeaks and the way his flustered voice handled my name. It was so good. Far too good for me but I'd never be able to get enough, especially not with the way his fingers tightened around my shoulders, pulling me closer.

But the sight waiting for me stopped me cold in my tracks, and I slid backwards.

Oh. Fuck.

I had almost forgotten.

Thomas's face flushed, looking anywhere but my gaze the second he noticed my hesitation. "I'm s-sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for this, baby," I returned, reaching for his hands as he slid off of me.

He rubbed his neck, as if that would hide the rainbow of bruises decorating his skin. My fingers curled into fists as I stared at them, horrified that such marks could be permitted to exist, horrified that they traced along his skin, mocking me in his voice. It ached me to see the places he had been tarnished, the places he had been hurt and taken advantage of. And I doubt I was able to hide the horror from my gaze.

"Are you okay?" I asked, reaching out to touch them. At first, his body tensed, but he let me brush my fingers against them anyway. I could feel his pulse in his throat as he stared at me with wide, yet trusting eyes.

"I'm okay," he said after a long moment, doing his best to relax.

"Do you want me to continue or...?"

"C-can we just cuddle? Um, I've been...well..." He didn't elaborate, but he didn't need to. I knew exactly what he wanted and even happier to let him have my arms around his body.

"Of course, love. I've been waiting for you to ask all day!" Without waiting for him to respond, I slipped forward and wrapped my arms perfectly around his waist, pulling him down so we laid there, gazing into each other's eyes. I planted a soft kiss to his forehead, then another to his lips after asking, then relaxed as he nestled his head in the area between my shoulder and head.

"You're the best," I murmured. "At cuddling. And kissing. And everything else, come to think about it."

"You're just saying that," he returned.

"No, I'm serious!"

"Well, thank you. I appreciate it."

"I appreciate you."

Thomas sighed softly, relaxing against me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, clutching me close to him, and finally showed me that vulnerable part of him that I had been looking for for so long. He didn't open up, he didn't say anything, but the simply way with which he held me close basically confirmed what John had told me earlier in whispered confidence. Silently, Thomas unraveled, and I hoped he was finally finding whatever comfort he was looking for. I cradled him close to me, happy if I never had to let go.

"Alexander?"

"Yes, love?"

"You make me feel so safe."

"I—oh."

Thomas laughed softly, releasing a deep breath.

I sighed, sliding one hand up to rake through his hair, and allowed both of us the few moments we'd been thinking about since we left each other's arms this morning. I closed my eyes, just content to have his body against mine once more. To feel his gentle heartbeat ticking through his chest, unbothered by my closeness.

And then it hit me. He was humming.

Relief poured through my body the second I recognized the soft lullaby carrying through the air. Especially after I had been so sure it would've taken so much longer to hear it again. But he hummed anyway, unafraid of what the rest of the world thought. He hummed for me and for me only, our own little secret. I grinned to myself, wishing the song could last forever, wishing I could bask in the glorious, automatic notes of his happiness for all eternity, knowing that I had been the one to cause them.

"What're you doing?" I asked him after a couple of moments.

"Worshipping Satan," he responded sarcastically. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

I let go of him and moved so that I could see his face. "Oh, Thomas," I said, grinning. "That's so sweet of you, but I don't need worshipping."

Thomas stared at me for a couple of seconds. "I really worry about you sometimes, do you know that?"

I continued to grin for a while longer before letting it slip from my face and hold out my hand, as if asking for something. "Let me see."

Thomas began to protest. "I'm not a child, Alexander and-"

"I only ask because I care. Because I worry about you. Because I don't want you to get hurt anymore than you already have been."

He sighed and placed his arm in my hand.  I rolled up his sleeve carefully, smiled contentedly, and let go of him. It was kinda like our ritual or something, me making sure he was alright.

"I'm so proud of you, love," I murmured, sliding my fingers underneath his chin and tilting it back so I could get a better angle on his kiss. Thomas's eyes flickered to my lips for a brief second, then returned to my gaze, offering me his unspoken permission.

I leaned forward and left him a tantalizingly slow kiss, pulling backwards the second the last part of him relaxed against me.

"Oh! Uh... by the way, well, I mean, I know it's only March, but I have some plans to go back to Virginia for a week in the summer to see my family."

"Sounds like fun-" I began, but he cut me off.

"And I was wondering if you'd like to come."

I paused and watched him for a few moments.

"I mean... you don't have to if you don't want to! It was just an idea and-"

"Thomas," I said softly, smiling. "I would love to."

Thomas sighed, looking rather relieved and I pulled him into another hug. I could feel his chest vibrating as he hummed peacefully.

"Hmm, this is nice."

"It is."

"We should do this more often."

Thomas faltered. His grip on me slackened. He pushed himself away a tiny bit, but it was enough to completely destroy the closeness of the moment.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he responded. He tried to settle back down against me, but it was obvious something was off. He couldn't seem to relax against me, not the same way he used to. There was something he wanted to say, and I almost begged him to say it, but he closed that part off, resurrecting those same old walls that I thought had crumbled to dust. Whatever it was, it simply couldn't cross the canyon that still divided us, existing persistently despite all I had done to bridge it, to reach his side and finally view the world the way it was meant to be viewed.

"You sure you don't wanna talk about it?"

"Umm...I think if I did I would start crying. Maybe it's better to just not, you know? As long as you're holding me," he returned, once more burying his face against the crook of my neck. I rubbed his back, squeezed his body against mine.

I assumed he was talking about what John had told me earlier.

I wish I hadn't been so wrong.

"Hey, I've got some work to take care of for some of my classes," I said as I let go. "But John, Laf, and Eliza invited us to join them for dinner. You wanna go?"

Thomas curled up against me, drawing in a deep breath. His fingers wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him as if he was afraid to let go. "S-sure," he murmured, a strange sense of finality lingering behind the words. But I didn't press, confident it had all been a figment of my imagination. "It could be fun."

"That's the spirit, love," I said, withdrawing from his arms. He hesitated, and when I finally met his eyes, he looked panicked, lost. As if he didn't know what to do now that I was no longer holding him. "You wanna keep me company while I work?"

"Can I lay in your lap?"

"Uh, duh. You better."

A small smile flickered across his face, and it didn't quite beat down the fear lurking beneath his gaze, but it was enough.

For now.

~•~

"Why are you doing that?" I asked as we walked down the street with the other three.
The sun had slowly began its descent across the sky. I took a deep breath of the evening air, feeling my body slowly relax.

"Doing what?" Thomas asked, somewhat distractedly. He glanced up from his half-hearted conversation with Lafayette. Neither had apologized for the other day, but I doubt either of them were truly mad to begin with. Lafayette kept his hand on Thomas's shoulder, and would not let go of him for the world.

"That. That right there," John said.

"Oh, yes. That's really helpful."

I blinked in surprise. "Jesus, you're just a ball of joy today aren't you?"

Thomas sighed. "I'm sorry Alex. I've just been really stressed lately, okay?"

"Awww, you called me Alex!"

Thomas didn't even bother responding.

"Why? What's wrong?" Eliza asked. "Can we help?"

"What isn't wrong?" Thomas snapped. "Capitalism exists, I have a really important decision to make in a couple of hours probably, and I learned that the dog from Blue's Clues is actually a girl and I have been misgendering that poor dog for sixteen years!"

I stared at him for a few moments, the corners of my mouth twitching up in a smile. "Thomas, I'm pretty sure the blue cartoon dog won't mind if you've called it a boy."

"And we could help with the important decision if you wanted to tell us," Lafayette said calmly.

"Not much we can do about the capitalism part though, as much as we'd like to," John put in, probably intending for it to be lighthearted, but Thomas ignored him.

"There is nothing any of you can do to help."

"But maybe if-"

"No!" Thomas exclaimed. A silence fell over the five of us as we continued walking, a prolonged silence that was comfortable for nobody. Thomas sighed and muttered a soft apology before turning and stalking away.

"Is Thomas okay?" asked Lafayette after a moment, staring after him.

"Alexander," John said threateningly. "What the fuck did I tell you before I left?"

"I don't know what happened, okay? He just...I'll talk to him?"

"You better," Eliza muttered, staring after him. "Something's definitely wrong."

"You sure you didn't do anything?" Lafayette pushed. He didn't seem upset, just tired. I couldn't blame him.

"I... I don't know. I honestly do not know."

Laf pushed me forwards. "Well go talk to him."

"I'm not sure it'll work, but I'll try." I left the three of them and followed where Thomas had gone.

I found him just a little bit up the sidewalk, looking into a window of a small bookstore, his eyes catching on the covers placed on display. I grinned to myself at his absolute dorkiness (which was the most adorable thing in the world, by the way), and set my hand on his arm.

"You alright, baby? You seem so stressed. Is there something I can do?" I murmured, letting my finger slide down until I was clutching his hand tightly. He relaxed, letting his body lean further against mine for support.

Thomas sighed. "Not particularly." He paused for a moment before quietly saying, "I care about you, Alexander. Deeply."

I grinned. "Sorry, love, but I'm really hungry right now so I'm gonna have to put my love for food above you."

Thomas grinned and fake-winced. "Wow. Cold. Y'know, sometimes you can be really romantic, and other times, well... not so much."

"You know I'm only joking, love." I pulled him into a kiss, not caring if the world saw. "How about later, when we get home, we watch the Princess Bride? And we can cuddle and kiss all you want!"

Thomas stared at the reflection in the bookstore window, his gaze hardening. Then, he glanced down at me and his entire body seemed to soften. There was something else there, though. A foreboding I didn't grasp in the moment. "I'd like that more than anything else in the world."

I smiled, pulling him into another kiss.

If only I had known that that would have been our last one for a long time.