//TW: ptsd, trauma, rape, swearing, self-harm, suicide, abuse\\

Thomas

His scent lingered.

The overwhelming, intoxicating, pungent scent of him and everything he stood for remained stuck to my body, no matter how hard I tried to scrub it off with my bare hands or how long I tried to lose myself in Alexander's warmth and sweet aroma.

His scent filled my entire world just the way he had for that long, nightmarish hour. The smell of cedar wood and smoke, almost as if an entire forest was being eaten alive by the crackling, manic embers of a fire that could never die. It filled my lungs like water, filled my brain like fear.

I'd never be able to get it off. I'd never be able to get it to go away. It stuck to my clothes, to my body, a wraith insistent upon haunting every dream I had and every waking moment in between. Every now and then I think I'm safe, wrapped in Alexander's loving, gentle arms, and I catch a sniff of his cologne like the remnants of a bad dream, and once more, I plummet.

It had claimed me just as he had. Wrapped his fingers around my wrist and pushed me back until there was nowhere to go, no last escape.

I'd rather rip my skin off and let my blood soak into the pavement than live with that horrible acrid, bitter smell filling my throat and lungs and eyes and choking out every other thing in this world.

I'd rather die than know that at the end of the day, there was nothing I could ever do to get away from him.

But whether I liked it or not, I belonged to him. There was nothing I could ever do to change that. So why even bother?

Alexander tightened his hold on me from behind, his hands clutching the soft skin of my stomach. For a moment, I wanted to melt away in his arms. I wanted to become nothing, just as long as I was his. I would've been the happiest I've ever been in my entire life just to exist on a completely separate realm with him, far away from reality. A place where happy endings truly did flourish, a place where heroes prevailed and monsters perished.

Although, I suppose in that sort of place, I'd be the first monster to die.

But, nonetheless, Alexander murmured something softly and pulled me closer, still gripped by sleep with its long, invisible fingers. His lips brushed against that spot on my neck, sending a flicker of something igniting in my chest. A heavy wind extinguished it only a moment later, however.

Safety.

It's so great to know you're loved and cared about, even if you don't deserve it. I wish it could be this way forever.

Too bad that can't happen.

My eyes flickered to the window, where dawn was just beginning to paint the sky in hues of orange and pink. Alexander wouldn't be up for another hour or two, probably. I had time. Too much time and not enough time. The plants I was growing seemed to know I was thinking and begged me to stop, offering a rainbow of their flowers, but I ignored them just as I ignored the way Alexander held onto me, as if he couldn't afford to let me disappear.

He'd be fine.

I slipped out of his arms, careful not to wake him, and walked to the bathroom as quietly as I possibly could.

Alexander didn't have to know.

I didn't want him to.

It'd be so much easier to just finally disappear if I could convince myself he didn't care. But deep down, I knew. I'll always know.

I dug through the bathroom cabinets until I found what I was looking for. The razor felt strange in my hands. Funny that something that small could inflict so much pain.

He had tried so hard to keep it a secret from me, to keep it hidden. But there was only so far he could go, only so much he could do to actually protect me. I didn't deserve him. I never have. I should have woken up and realized it sooner. I should have let him be happy with John when he had the chance, rather than waste his time chasing a happiness he can never find with me. I should have let him go on that night a thousand years ago, promised everything was alright and encouraged him to be with the one person who can actually bring him the happiness he truly deserves.

But I was selfish then, and I am selfish now. The best thing I can do is to disappear as silently as possible, so that nobody knows until they have forgotten all about me. Nobody will miss me, anyway. They'll be better for it.

They'll finally be free.

Alexander will finally be happy and that's all I want.

Perhaps it wasn't so much the cutting that was painful- though it does hurt a lot, trust me- but rather the idea behind it? That I'm not good enough. That I don't deserve to live. That I'm nothing more than a burden.

I gazed at myself in the mirror, staring at the way the yellow bathroom light glinted along the edge of the razor. My fingers trembled but I forced myself to remain still, and held out my hand. I didn't break eye contact with the monster staring back at me in the mirror, the bruises decorating its face just as plentiful as my own. No amount of makeup would ever truly hide them. They were apart of me.

I poised the dagger-like blade over my arm. I didn't cry. I should have but I didn't feel like there were any tears left in me to cry. I was a husk. An empty, heartless husk of a boy that had died almost four years ago.

I wish I had died four years ago. It would have been a much more merciful fate than the torture I've been put through and the torture I've inflicted upon others.

I deserve this. Everything that's coming to me. I deserved yesterday and I deserve today and I will deserve whatever cruel trick life has to throw at me tomorrow.

I deserve pain and suffering and nothing more and nothing less.

And I certainly do not deserve Alexander.

I held my shaking hand over the sink, took a deep breath, and let the razor sink into my skin.

Cut after cut after cut.

I deserved them.

Pathetic.

Worthless.

Stupid.

Blood splattered along the marble sink, only momentarily staining the pure whiteness. That's the thing about blood. It's never permanent.

Waste of space.

Just a burden.

Better off dead.

Perhaps there was some small part of me deep inside, still trying to cling onto the small spark of hope hiding deep within my chest. That small part of me will be sorely disappointed.

Uncared for.

Unwanted.

Unloved.

Alexander flickered across my mind. Not just his name, not just the image of him, but Alexander and everything he was. It seemed impossible that he was mere human. It seemed impossible that somebody as wonderful and amazing and kind as him could ever care for somebody as undeserving and worthless as me.

And that's when the thought struck me.

Oh. I broke my promise.

A laugh bubbled up to the surface, quickly followed by sobs. The razor clattered against the sink, and I was grateful for the noise and the small sense of music it offered me.

I collapsed to the floor, curling in on myself, wishing I was dead but knowing I was not strong enough to actually do it and not strong enough to face the thought of Alexander when he eventually saw me.

I did not just like him. I did not just adore him or depend on him.

I needed him. And I needed him to need me back. And I needed his warmth wrapping around me now and the sound of his voice whispering through the air.

And soon, I was laughing and sobbing at the same time, at the pure irony of it all. I should have died eons ago. I should not be taking up time and space when it is so precious few for so many. What makes my life worth anymore than all others'? Then the infant dead without taking a single breath? Then the bird plummeting from the sky to an untimely fate of the cold, hard ground? Then the wilting, dying flowers that simply were not strong enough to survive a long winter? What about my father? What about Alexander's mother?

That night, the night he finally shared with me his nightmare, sitting with him, keeping him safe from the outside world for once, was one I was not yet ready to let go of. I had fallen for the way he had gripped me, with the secret he had entrusted with me and nobody else. That was the night I must have first truly fallen for him, the first moment he asked me to stay.

I was a fool.

I am a fool.

But I could not bring myself to finish what I had started, so instead, I sat crumpled on the bathroom floor as the sun slowly rose over the city, waiting for it all to just be over already.

A knock on the door. His voice floated through the air. His even, beautiful voice. Somehow, it lightened the world just a little bit, making everything seem just a bit more manageable. "Th-Thomas? Are you in there? C-can I come in?"

I froze, wiping at my eyes with the damp sleeves of my shirt from the day before. My arms still bled, the world around me still violently spinning. I couldn't bare to see the look in his eyes when he saw me like this. I couldn't take the hurt, the disappointment. Hw deserved so much more than what he had.

He took my silence as an answer, and the door slowly creaked open. Alexander paused in the doorway for a mere millisecond, then before I could defend myself or rapidly try to explain what I had done and apologize for the promise I had broken and the terror I had caused, he was at my side and his arms flung around my body.

"It's okay, love, it's okay," he all but whimpered, tightening his hold on me, and for a moment, I almost believed him. Life around me seemed to slow, the only constant being Alexander and the feeling of his body pressed against mine, a promise to keep me safe forever. He buried his face in the crook of my neck, fingers desperately clutching my shoulders.

I breathed in the smell of him. Like rain and wildflowers, both untamable and powerful in their own ways.

"Thomas, love, please."

It was the please that got to me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice feeling strange and unlike my own. But I repeated those two words over and over, holding onto them as though they were my lifesaver and I was sinking rapidly in a dark ocean filled with my own regrets and fears. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

Alexander's fingers tightened around me, pressing me close to his chest. I allowed myself to think only of the way he held me and nothing else, of the frantic rise and fall of his chest against mine.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

I don't think I'll ever be.

Alexander whispered soft nothings in my ear, pulling me tighter against him despite it all. I sobbed into his shoulder and he held me the entire time, promising me safety and love even if it could never truly be mine.

"Shh, love," he murmured, letting his fingers draw circles into my back. "It's okay, I promise." His breath was warm against my ear, warm and welcome. "Everything's going to be okay. I'm here. You're here. We're both here, right?"

I almost believed him. I wish I had been just a little more naïve so I truly could forget about the doubt plucking at my heartstrings, just to indulge in the colors and the light he has created for me. Just to ignore the sorrowful tune that seems to always drift through my ears.

"I'm so sorry," I managed out, the words handled roughly by the sobs still clogging my throat, demanding to be the first ones to leave. "I...I n-never w-wanted this t-t-to happen. I'm so...I'm so sorry, A-Alexander."

"Love, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for." He slid away from me, cupping my face in his hands. They were warm. I liked the way he held me so close to him, his adoration seeping through into his gaze even despite the worry and the fear and the resolute anger hiding behind it all. Anger at me? Or just the world in general? Either way, it didn't really matter.

"Y-you don't understand," I tried to argue, but his touch faltered and I promptly fell silent, needing his gentle warmth, needing his under-spoken passion.

"Come on, love," he murmured. I liked the way my name had almost become synonymous with that simple, four-letter word to him. It almost made me feel like I was capable of such a feeling. Of loving, and more importantly, being loved. It was a trick, of course, just another one of fate's cruel ironies, but for the smallest of moments, it gave me some hope. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Slowly, he helped me to my feet, clutching my hand tightly. The world seemed to sway as a dizziness filled my mind, but I forced it back and stuck close to him just in case I needed his support. He led me over to the sink, holding my arm out and letting the water fall, a chance of renewal.

I felt cold water trickle over the cuts, washing away the blood. I chanced a glance over at Alexander, but his face was for the most part, unreadable. He bandaged the cuts with a practiced ease, saying next to nothing as he did so. But I could feel the worry radiate off of him, the concern and every last drop of anger that came along with it. I tried to keep myself from shaking but I just wasn't good enough.

Once he was done, Alexander reached down and scooped me off my feet. I didn't argue. I didn't want to. So I pressed myself closer to him, desperate to feel the rise and fall of his chest. There was something so peaceful about the breathing of another person, something so intimate. He carried me to the main room of the apartment, his arms holding me carefully, and set me down on the couch where he sat down next to me and slipped in close, leaving hardly more than a hair's length left between us.

I didn't mind. If anything, I wished he was closer.

This can't last.

Oh, but what I wouldn't give so it could. I'd bleed myself dry if it meant getting to spend an extra moment with Alexander. I'd sacrifice the entire world for him if it meant getting another chance to show him how much I need and love him.

I love him.

I think I do.

"I'm so sorry," I murmured, unable to meet his gaze as he pulled me closer to him, letting his fingers slide into mine. I liked the way they fit together, so perfectly, as if once upon a time a thousand years ago, we were made for each other.

"For what?"

"For breaking my—my p-promise."

"Your promise?"

"That I would stop. I promised you I would stop cutting and I didn't and I broke my promise and I'm so sorry Alexander you deserve so much better than me—"

"Thomas," he returned firmly, ending the spiraling train of unhappy thoughts. "Love, I cannot sit here and listen to you say all these horrible things about yourself, okay?"

I nodded.

A silence fell over the two of us for quite a while, Alexander holding both of my arms with his hand. He set his forehead against mine, and I felt the warm swell of his breath against my neck. With a wince, I noticed the white of his shirt was stained red by my own blood. That wouldn't come out easily.

See? Just another mistake. Just another thing you've ruined.

"You're mad?" I whispered.

"Slightly, but not at you. Thomas, please, please, don't hurt yourself. You mean so much to me. I-" His voice hitched in his throat, and the next part came out barely above a whisper. "I can't lose you," he murmured.

You wouldn't say that if you knew what happened. If you knew what I had to do.

"Let's get something to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Thomas, you didn't eat dinner last night. And you haven't been eating much lately either. You know I think you're wonderful just the way you are, right?"

Lies.

"I—I know. But I'm fine, okay?"

"You have to eat," he returned, rubbing my bandaged arms with his thumbs. It was almost comforting, in a strange way, to have the gentle touch combat the pain shooting through my skin. He didn't say what he was thinking. He didn't have to. I knew.

I took a shaky breath, trying my best to ignore the voice, even though it was right. "Can... can I cook?"

He looked at me strangely. After a moment, he smiled. "If you want too."

"Alright then. I'll just... I'll just make eggs or something then."

He'll hate me soon enough.

"Well, you know how much I love everything you make, love."

Alexander pulled me closer to him and rested his head on my shoulder. My breath caught in my throat as I stood there, at a complete loss. Soon enough, he let go of me.

Too soon if you ask me.

~•~

"Thomas, that was really good!"

"Thanks," I murmured, though I had barely touched my breakfast. The eggs stared up at me, almost mocking in their own right, asking the same question over and over. Did I deserve to eat? What had I done to earn it, besides hurt the single most wonderful being that had ever existed?

I had eaten lunch and breakfast yesterday, anyway. I'd probably be fine.

"Are you not going to eat?"

I simply shook my head and pushed the plate away from me.

"Thomas—"

"I'm not hungry."

"You'll feel better if you eat. It'll make you feel less dizzy, okay?"

I shrugged, staring at the plate blurring with tears.

"Please, love? For me? Just three bites. It'll make me feel so much better."

Finally, I gave in, scooping the fork off the table and almost stabbing the eggs. Alexander watched, gently urging me on until I had eaten almost all of them. The second I was done, he smiled gratefully, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. I couldn't breathe.

"Will you finish them for me, Thomas?"

"I...I c-can't."

I closed my eyes and waited for his angry response, but all I heard was a sigh. "Alright then," he said finally. "And let me clarify. Thomas, I'm not mad at you."

I stood up to take our plates to the sink while he continued talking.

"You know that, right? That I'm not mad at you? That I could never be mad at you? Not for something like this." I heard his footsteps, his voice getting closer as he spoke, but I forced myself to focus solely on the rushing water as I desperately tried to scrub the residue of the eggs off the plate. It drummed against the ceramic dish, spraying my face and hands. God, I wish everything could just wash away under the heavy stream. Maybe the scent of him could go away.

Along with the short, blurry flashes of memories I'd rather forget. Memories of his body pressing mine down into the mattress of a bed I had hoped I would never have to see again. Of his movements against me, claiming me once more. Of his voice against my ear, hissing out words he didn't dare murmur in any louder of a tone. Of his hands and lips wandering, wandering, taking far more than I had to give. Those bursts of former nightmares made me want to purge myself of everything. Every happy moment, every peaceful wish, every memory, just so I could forget what it felt like to be...well, to be his.

"Thomas?" he pressed softly when I hadn't responded to him, snapping me out of the painful flurry of unrelenting moments of a day I wished I could forget.

I blinked away the tears, but more appeared in their place, my wrists burning as if I was pressing a lit match against them.

I wanted to die.

Enough, I reminded myself, and even if I didn't fully believe it it was still important to have. I am here. Today is not yesterday. Alexander is not him.

"Thomas, love? Please talk to me." He slid his arms around my waist, and I clutched onto the sink as though it was all that could support me. He rested his head against my back, tightening his grip. I closed my eyes, drawing in a deep breath. "Tell me you know that I care about you more than anything else in the world. Tell me you know that without you, I am nothing. Tell me you know that I can't stand to see you hurt, my love, and I'd do anything just to see you smile."

I lowered my head, tears filling my eyes. God, that's all I do anymore, isn't it? Cry, just like the water leaking from the faucet. Drip, drip, drip.

"I—I know," I managed out, but even then, Alexander did not soften his grip. He held onto me, rubbing my sides with his thumbs as I finished cleaning the dishes, and there was nothing else in the world I'd rather have than that moment, forever frozen in time. I could practically picture myself, twenty years from now, caught in the perfect embrace of his arms on a chilly, March morning, belonging to him and nobody else.

But I can picture a lot of fairytales. That doesn't make them true.

"I am here for you, Thomas. I know it doesn't count for much but I promise you that I will be here for you whenever you need me, and that I will do whatever you want me to and I will hurt whoever dares to touch you like this. To hurt you."

Enjoy it while it lasts.

"Alexander—?"

"Yes, baby?"

I almost said it. I should have. I'd never get another chance and I needed him to know the truth of it all. I needed him to know that I would follow him to the ends of the earth just to stand by his side. I would do anything just to be his. I needed him to know that I loved him, fully and truly, even if I wasn't usually capable of such a feeling.

But, the door slammed open, and Alexander's arms quickly dropped to his side as he moved to step in front of me, almost in a protective form of manner.  He blinked, drawing away, as a steady stream of people filed into the room. Alexander's grip on my hand tightened as he led me over to the couch and sat me down, practically pulling me into his lap with how close he had me sit next to him.

"Thomas," Eliza said, rushing forward and pulling me into a hug. It was nice, I think, but it was hard to say. "Oh, God, Thomas! When Lafayette told us what happened—I—well, we...we—"

"C'mon, Liz," Maria said, pulling her girlfriend back. "Give him some space."

Aaron sat down next to me, looping his arms around mine and resting his head against my shoulder. I slid away from Alexander as he did so, folding my legs underneath me. He seemed to falter as my touch disappeared, but I didn't let myself dwell on that. I had no right to.

Not when the world looked so bleak, filled with an endless pallet of gray.

"So... who are we going to murder?" Laf asked Alexander.

"I find it hilarious that you even ask," Alexander returned.

"What happened?" said Angelica softly, sitting down on the ground and pulling her legs neatly under her. I couldn't bear her searching gaze. I couldn't bear any of them finding out the wicked truth of it all.

I didn't want to go back to being a useless, selfish whore to them again.

"Please, Thomas?" Alexander said, something I could not confront hiding in his tone. Something that sounded an awful lot like fear. Alexander was never afraid.

"We want to help," added Hercules with a comforting smile, sitting on the ground next to Lafayette and John.

They all stared at me, expectant. Waiting. I opened my mouth, closed it. Opened it again, and withered under their looks. It should have been easy. It was just a word. Just a single, stupid word. It didn't mean anything. Not anymore. Don't I owe them this?

But the violent red flashes of the night before struck across my mind yet again, like lightning carving a black sky into two, jagged pieces. His words echoed through my ears, and the feeling of his ghostly fingers wrapping around my wrists and my thighs and my neck touching everything he could get his hands on and practically enjoying my pain and my fear and the power he held over me and there was nothing I could do—

"Thomas!" Alexander exclaimed, his hand on my shoulder momentarily chasing away the worst of the dizziness. "Please, love, breathe."

I nodded, shifting out of Aaron's grasp and away from Alexander. They both drifted away from me at once, giving me all the space I needed.

It wasn't enough.

"Thomas, you have to tell us," Aaron murmured.

Why?

Wasn't it enough that I had to live through it? Wasn't it enough that every time Alexander kissed me or held me or even touched me, all I would ever be able to see is that monster triumphing, taking whatever he pleased because who would stop him? Wasn't it enough that my entire identity was now synonymous with the word "victim"?

So why did I have to tell them anything?

It's not like they could save me.

They didn't the last time.

And yet, they pleaded and pressed and begged me to confess to them every last one of my sins. And with their incessant voices and the constant drum of those awful thoughts always adding their own cacophony to the mix, I couldn't so much as think straight. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything except wonder how much it would take to just end this stupid suffering already.

I'm so sick of it.

"Tell us, it'll make you feel better."

Doubtful.

"Please, all we want to do is help."

Selfish.

"Whoever did this to you will pay, I promise."

Violent.

Just make it end, please.

"Thomas," Alexander said, his voice soft but so unfairly stern. "You have to tell us what he did."

And something inside of me just...

Snapped.

"He raped me, okay!?" I shouted, silencing both the thoughts inside my head and the voices outside. "He drugged and raped me! Are you happy? Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

And for a moment, I didn't care. For a moment, it felt good to hurt the world the way it had hurt me. I burned like a star, a dying, falling star.

"Now what? What do you think you're going to do, huh?" I demanded. "You're going to go pretend to be heroes, like whatever you do won't just make life worse for me? You know, none of you are actually helping! Where the fuck were you when I actually needed you?"

My words echoed through the suddenly silent room, and God, I pressed onwards like the monster I was.

"You believed him," I spat out, the words so unfairly pointed at Lafayette and Aaron who had done nothing to deserve them. "I needed you, and you left me. You think I'm not fucking upset?! You think I've completely forgotten all about how easy it was for you two to leave me?! You think you can suddenly come in now when it's fucking convenient for you?!" The words burned my throat but it felt so good. It felt so good to finally scream. "You can walk all over me whenever you want and I'll just let you, right?"

"Thomas—" Alexander said, reaching forwards as if to shut me up.

I spun on him. "Oh, and what about you? You think you're so good and perfect? Fuck, Alexander, would you want anything to do with me if I was still the way I was before? How stupid do you really think I am? The only reason you like me is so you can have something for you to save. So you can by the good guy."

Tears flooded my eyes, burning my cheeks. I worked through the sobs pulling at my throat, wishing everything would just end already. Wishing the universe would finally collapse in on itself like it inevitably will.

"Once you h-have what y-you want, y-you're going to—to leave me," I managed out before the rest of everything else took over. "Everyone always leaves."

Silence.

There was too much silence.

I used to hate silence. I hated it in all shapes and forms. I always had to be humming, or singing, or listening to music, or enjoying the sounds of nature. Complete and total silence was unnatural. Then, there came a period of time where I enjoyed silence. Actually, no. That wasn't true. I enjoyed being alone and being silent. When there were other people around, specifically James, there was never silence. Either yelling and screaming, or sweet-talk and promises that everything would be okay and he would never hurt me again. I always found safety in silence. But now, with Alexander, I have grown to be afraid of it again. Mostly because he was quiet when he was angry with the people close to him. With those he hated, he would scream and yell, but with those he cared about, he was silent.

Silence leaving me to stare at the mess I had created and the broken shards of every last relationship I had just ruined.

Well, what's done is done. It's for the better, anyway.

If they don't want me, if they don't care about me, then he can't hurt them.

He.

Because I'd never be able to refer to him by name again. He was not the James I had known, once upon a time. He was not the James I had fallen in love with, and he didn't even deserve to be associated with that James. Not anymore.

I stood up. "I'm going to go take a nap." My words rang out through the quiet room, and I turned away just as my eyes caught Alexander's and found the absolute devastation in his gaze.

The devastation I had caused. So who's the monster now?

I stepped away from them, refusing to acknowledge them. Not if it meant breaking down once more in front of them, not if it meant exposing every last weakness. It was something I could never afford to do again.

For the first time in my entire life, it was remarkably easy to walk away and not once look back.

~•~

The door opened a long while later. I kept the warmth of the blanket pulled tight over me, hugging close to my body. The curtains were drawn as stiffly closed as I could make them, blocking out as much of the world as I could. Footsteps, then the feeling of somebody sitting next to me. A hand on my shoulder, a hesitation, then both of us at the same time, "I'm sorry."

I almost laughed, turning onto my other side to face him. Alexander gazed down at me, offering a vague hint of a smile. A sad one, though.

"Are the others mad at me?" I whispered.

"I think Lafayette's just proud you said fuck, like, four times in a row," Alexander mumbled, a failed attempt at humor.

I nodded. A pause, then I lifted the blanket up, offering him the space I needed him to fill. Without hesitating for a moment, Alexander slipped underneath the covers and pressed his body close to mine, moving his hands around my waist and pulling me close. He set his forehead against mine, every inch of our bodies intertwined.

"I'm sorry," I said, again.

"You were right."

"I wasn't."

"Yes, you were."

"The things I said...I—they weren't fair. I wasn't fair. I—I don't think like that, okay? You make me so happy, Alexander, I promise." He said nothing, staring into my eyes. "C-can I make it up to you?"

A sigh. "Thomas, we're going to the police tomorrow. I cannot keep living like this, okay? I cannot let you keep living like this."

I didn't respond for a while. "O-okay."

He softened. "Thank you." He pressed his forehead against mine.

I closed my eyes. Maybe this world wasn't so bad after all, as long as Alexander was right here besides me.

Nothing lasts forever.

And the world will go dark once more.

~•~

Hate me yet??

Dont worry, you will ;)