//TW: swearing, ptsd\\

John

Newtons3rdLaw: ok you should be able to come in ?? but pls be quiet i dont wanna wake alexander lol ty

I pocketed my phone, not overly happy with the response, but I suppose it didn't matter too much. I wanted Alexander's help, more than I wanted anybody else's. Because he didn't lie. He didn't make things seem better than they actually were. He didn't give me a false hope that would lead me down a questionable path, because I am sick and tired of walking that same path and ending up in the same, heartbroken position. Alexander would quash any loose, reckless dreams and I would be so much better for it. I'd come to see reality and that would be the end of it.

But perhaps I'm over exaggerating. Perhaps I'm being an idiot. A selfish, stupid idiot overthinking things that should be shoved away into the darkest corners of my mind where they will be promptly forgotten. Feelings are not hard to force down, to ignore. All it takes is the willingness to silence that voice within you, insisting it knows better. Once you manage that, you can spare the heartbreak and the pain.

I've done it countless times before.

So I could live with that.

"What'd he say?" Maria questioned.

"We're allowed in, but we have to be quiet," I said, swallowing the apprehension lingering in my mouth like bile. Something tight wrapped around my chest, but I ignored it and pushed the door open without allowing myself anymore time to hesitate. I just needed to hurtle myself over this challenge and move on with my life. There is no time to stop, no time to sit and wonder and think out all the damn possibilities.

Today was gonna be one of those days that had the potential to be really good or really horrible and it depended on, like, one single thing. So that was pretty cool.

I stepped through the doorway and into the home filled with love and the sweet aroma of flowers, then paused with what I found, my breath peeling away without so much as a second glance. Maria and Eliza filtered in beside me, glancing around, and I could not help the smile that worked its way to my face as I gazed at the rainbow of stickynotes, turning the walls into a kaleidoscope of colors and drawings and scrawls of ink. It seemed as though each one was more magnificent than the last. They formed a mural of sorts, though its meaning was abstract and incomprehensible to someone like me, somebody who didn't fully understand the complexities of what I was looking at.

And in the middle of it all stood Thomas, his arms crossed over his body, gazing at the work. "It's not too much, is it?" he asked softly. "I don't want it to seem like I spent four hours on this or anything."

"Well, how long did you spend?" Maria asked.

Thomas smiled sheepishly, gazing at one of the thousands of stickynotes that clung to the wall nearest to him. "Uh, four hours."

"You've been up since...?"

"I couldn't sleep," he said with a soft shrug. "My mind was just too awake and I wanted to create something."

Eliza inspected one of the sticky notes and then looked over at Thomas questioningly, a small smile inked upon her lips. "What's this all for?"

Thomas shrugged, his smile taking on more of a dreamy air to it as he gazed at the couch. There, Alexander slept, the blankets tight around his body. Berlioz lay against his chest, flicking her tail in his face.

Good kitty.

"Alexander's always doing so much for me," Thomas said, watching the sleeping boy softly. His eyes were like sunsets, with the way they warmed the world. It made my heart skip a beat, knowing just how much they were truly in love. And the worst part is was that I had no idea if it was legitimate happiness for them, or if that bitter jealousy somehow wormed its way in between the cracks of the person I was trying to be. "And I just thought it was time to return the favor."

"Aww," Maria said. "That's so sweet!"

"Romantic sap," Eliza teased, nudging her girlfriend softly with her elbow.

"You could do something like this for me, you know."

"I thought your idea of romance was facing off against elven kings with nothing but swords and a legion of dragons on our side?"

Maria paused, considering it for a moment. "That does sound very nice, too."

"Yeah, so I'm just trying to find the dragons."

"Wait," Thomas asked. "Are you two elves in that scenario as well, or..."

"Absolutely we are! We're just exposing the corruption of the patriarchy that oppresses us and decides that homosexuality is the deepest sin imaginable."

"Honestly, I would have thought elves would be very pro-gay. I mean...have you guys seen Legolas?" Thomas asked, grinning to himself, and the very nature of it seemed so extremely out of place in ways I couldn't describe. "I mean...there's no way he's not bi."

"Can we focus, please?" I snapped.

Thomas recoiled, hugging his arms. "Of course. Sorry. What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine."

"It doesn't sound like it," Eliza pointed out, placing a hand on my shoulder in that annoyingly mother-like way that she always does. "You can talk to us, John. You know we won't judge you too hard, right?" She meant that last bit to be amusing, but it fell flat and only burned away at my tolerance for bullshit even more.

"Well, if any of you would actually let me get a word in, that would be great!"

Maria stiffened, stepping forwards. "Are you done acting like a total asshole, or would you like to keep talking and run the risk of getting your ass kicked? Because if you say one more thing—"

"You'll do what, huh?"

"Okay, stop," Thomas said. I recoiled, completely taken aback by the coldness that had swept through his voice. It actually sent chilling spirals of unease coursing down my back. "If you three are going to fight, you can leave. Alexander is sleeping, and he's been so busy lately, and if any single one of you wakes him up, it'll be the last thing you ever do," he hissed, and there was no humor in his eyes. None of the friendly, happy light I had grown accustomed to seeing when it came to Thomas. Now, it was just cold.

"I let you into my home," he said. "Don't make me regret it."

The three of us, at equal levels of confusion and somewhat fear, nodded along and fell silent.

Thomas nodded. "Okay! Great! Anyway, what was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Um, right," I said. "Well, I kind of need to talk to Alexander about it. But if he's asleep, I can come back later."

Thomas glanced back at the sleeping boy, his eyes going soft again. He nodded, seemingly to himself, and turned back to us. "Yeah, it's probably best if you do that. I don't mean any offense or anything, but he's not getting as much sleep as he should be, not with all of the work Professor Washington's been giving him, so I think it would all around just be a better idea to come back later."

A bubble of annoyance popped within me, flaring bright as I ran my fingers through my hair, tempted to rip out the individual strands until I couldn't feel my brain thinking things I did not want to think. It all made me want to scream, to kick something.

But I forced it down with a smile, stepping backwards. "Okay," I said. "Well, I'll just come back later. So sorry for bothering you."

"What is it? You know we could probably help you without Alexander?" Eliza suggested. "I mean, you wanted to speak with all of us, right?"

"Well..."

"That's right! We're even smarter than Alexander!" added Maria triumphantly.

I glanced at Thomas. "Well," he said softly, a small smile overtaking his face. "He doesn't even know off the top of his head what the derivative of secant-ex is. And that's just basic calculus." At my blank stare, he shook his head. "Never mind."

"Well, if you guys really think you can help me, I'd—"

A scream pierced the air.

A bloodcurdling, heart-wrenching scream. A scream that made the entire world shift on its axis, that made me lose all capability of thought and feeling. It seemed like the scream from nightmares, a noise born from a terror I would never understand.

In the blink of an eye, Thomas darted to Alexander's side, reaching for him as he shot violently up, his entire body trembling with the weight of whatever had just pressed down on him, suffocated the air from his lungs. Alexander gasped for air, his eyes glimmering in the early morning light. Eyes filled with tears. He gripped himself tight, making small, panicked noises.

"Hey, hey!" Thomas exclaimed. "Alexander!"

"Thomas!" he cried out, like an animal searching for the only safety its ever known. It struck me right then that I don't think I've ever seen Alexander terrified. Shaken from a nightmare, lost between the intersection of two worlds that make no sense when shoved together the way they had been, forcing him to fend for himself.

"I'm here, Alexander!" Thomas returned, sitting down next to him carefully. He did not swarm forwards, not right away, and I could understand the hesitation that held his movements down. Thomas reached forwards, his hands placed against Alexander's arms as if to steady him, as if to right him before he fell.

And Alexander lunged forwards, burying himself in Thomas's arms. "You're okay," he murmured, his voice barely audible as he clung to Thomas. But it was no hard task to make out the utter relief that filled his tone, that exploded through his very being as he held onto the boy in front of him. "You're okay, you're okay, you're okay—"

"Of course I'm okay," said Thomas softly.

"You—I—I'm sorry!" Alexander's body convulsed, and it took me a startlingly long minute to realize he was sobbing.

I've never seen him so scared before.

"Hey, is everything alright?" Thomas whispered, clutching him close, bringing his knees up around him and cradling Alexander against his body. "What happened?"

"It's stupid, I'm sorry," Alexander mumbled, gasping for air like he had never breathed it in before.

"It's not stupid, Alexander! What happened? Are you okay?" Thomas repeated. "Is there anything I can do?"

Alexander nodded, gripping him tighter. He buried himself against Thomas, carving a home out of the taller boy. And their bodies intertwined so perfectly, like they had always belonged together, like their souls had been crafted from the same exact ray of moonlight. And as Thomas soothed Alexander, the two of them perpetually lost to their own little, nonsensical world, envy burned heavy in my heart. And as much as I tried to push it away, I could not. Because it ravaged and it ruined and simply looking away did not extinguish those flames.

"Alexander?" Thomas asked, slipping away. He tilted Alexander's head upwards slightly, cupping his face in his hands. "You can tell me. You should tell me."

"You—you al-already have so much to w-worry about," Alexander whispered wetly, the dying sobs still heavy in his voice as I hurriedly looked away. "I couldn't—I don't want to...to add to that."

"Alexander," Thomas said firmly. "Please tell me. I don't want you to suffer on your own. I'm here to help. You're always there for me and I am here for you. Please?"

"It was just a—just a stupid nigh-nightmare."

Thomas nodded, allowing Alexander to rest against him. His eyes met ours, seeming to convey that apologetic plead. I nodded in agreement, taking a step backwards to give him all the time he needed. Eliza and Maria clutched each other tightly, sharing a concerned look, and I was alone.

I didn't mind being alone, really. Not that much. Not as much as I should.

I just didn't like the idea of having to be on my own forever.

But luckily, Alexander found the comfort he needed against Thomas, burying his face against his chest. And Thomas wrapped his arms around Alexander in turn, not missing a beat as he held the smaller boy against his body. And they looked untouchable, right then, like a still taken by people who did not belong in the photo. But either way, they lived for each other, unapologetically, finding comfort even in the darkness.

"I'm so sorry," Alexander whispered, his voice barely loud enough for me to make out. I tried to push down my curiosity, but it got the better of me anyway. I felt like an invader, creeping in on something that in no way belonged to me. "I'm so sorry, Thomas, I didn't mean to make you worry."

"Talk to me. Alexander, please."

"I—you were—you had—" In stuttering starts and stops, Alexander tried to explain it away, but sometimes we simply cannot put all that we've seen and experienced into words. And Thomas seemed to understand regardless, for he held Alexander closer and looked as though he would never let go.

"How long have you been having this nightmare?"

"It's not important—"

"Yes. It is. How long have you been having this nightmare?"

A moment passed before he answered. A painful, burning moment, for this all felt like something that was supposed to be kept private, something that had been exposed without anybody wanting it to be seen. "A few months," Alexander admitted finally.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to worry."

"I always worry."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Alexander. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. I'm okay, you're okay, we're both okay. And we're here. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Alexander laughed softly, though it was a cracked, halting sound. "I'm sorry for making you worry."

"It's okay, Alexander. You can be small, if you want. You can let me take care of you. You don't always have to be responsible for both of us."

Alexander eased himself against Thomas, his arms snaking around him like ivy. "God, I'm sorry. I know. I know. Stop apologizing. But I am." He laughed again, and this time it seemed a bit more like the Alexander that I knew and understood. "Thank you."

"For?"

"For being here."

"You're always here for me."

"I know, I know. I'm okay, now, I think. Thank you."

Thomas smiled, running his fingers through Alexander's air. "Take as long as you need, Lex. And I don't mean to freak you out or upset you or anything, but we do have company."

Alexander shot up, his eyes wide with horror as he took the three of us in. Then, he proceeded to slam his face against Thomas's chest and groan out, "Fuuuuuuuuuck."

"Hey!" I said as warmly as possible. "You alright?"

"Need anything?" Maria added.

"How long have you guys been there?"

None of us responded, save for Thomas, who wrapped his arms around Alexander in some form of solace. It seemed to work, actually, which might he the most remarkable thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

"Great," Alexander said, and whatever vulnerability that had dragged him underneath the rolling and riving ocean's surface disappeared, replaced solely by that unending look of annoyance and frustration. He slid out of Thomas's arms and studied me for a moment.

"Are you okay?"

"If anybody else hears about this, you three are dead."

"What about Thomas?" asked Eliza, nodding to him.

"Anybody who hurts Thomas also dies."

"So you'd kill us and then yourself?" Maria asked. She turned to me. "Sounds like a pretty good plan, actually."

"Maria!" yelled her girlfriend in absolute horror. She only shrugged in response.

"I would never hurt Thomas."

"How about no murder, please?" Thomas asked. "I'm not in the mood to deal with any of that today."

Alexander shook his head, his shoulders easing. "Okay, well, there's obviously a reason you guys are here. So, what's going on?"

"Actually, as much as I'd love to get started," I said, feeling warmth pool into my face as all eyes turned to me. Apparently, I hadn't thought this out as much as I would have liked. And now, I simply found myself stalling for time, just so I could postpone discovering the truth for just a little bit longer.

It wasn't a reality I'd like to face yet.

Perhaps not ever.

Because if I allow myself to indulge in those temperamental feelings, I'm only going to get hurt again. And again. And again. Because that's all this stupid world likes to do, point at me and laugh and make me wonder why the hell I'm even here.

"But?" Alexander prompted, ripping me away from my thoughts before the spiraling could begin and make everything a thousand times worse than it already was.

"But we're still waiting for someone."

"So, let me get this straight. You come into my home at—" Alexander paused to check his phone. "7:25 in the morning, bother my boyfriend while I'm asleep and can't do anything about it," he said, despite Thomas's gentle protesting and tugging on his sleeve to insist we weren't exactly bothering him, "Have to see me in a very emotionally vulnerable place even I am not prepared for, and I can't even get rid of you quickly because we're waiting for someone?"

"Well, essentially, yes."

"It better be a fucking stripper."

"Alexander!" Thomas exclaimed, truly looking aghast.

"Not for me! For John—oh whatever, this day couldn't possibly get worse, and it's only just begun."

And then, a knock on the door, gentle and halting, sounded through the room.

Well. We'd see about that.

"I'll get it," I said. My gaze found Thomas, and something wrenched at my heart with the way his eyes found the door, fingers curling over themselves. "And, uh, I'm sorry. In advance."

"You're...what are you sorry for?"

"What the fuck did you do?" Maria asked, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me aside as Alexander pushed past me anyway to get the door.

A moment passed, the door opened, and another moment passed.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me," Alexander growled, rounding on me. "Tell me this is a fucking joke."

"I'm sorry, but I needed his—"

"Bull. Shit." He turned back to the figure standing at the door, outlined with the yellow light that illuminated the hallway. "Fuck you!" He turned to me. "Fuck you." And then to Eliza and Maria, "And I know you two probably aren't involved in anyway, but fuck you as well. I'm done. I'm done."

And Thomas had gone silent, staring at the figure as he slowly stepped into the room. Thomas wrapped his arms around his body, swallowing hard. "What are you doing here?"

"John asked for me."

"And you decided to come anyway?"

"I thought you had forgiven me?"

"One, even if I had, that should have been enough for you to know better than to ever show your face around here," Thomas returned. There was no fire; he was all ice. Chilling, freezing ice. The kind that obscures your vision with its frosty tint blurring the rest of the world. The kind you're forced to stare up at as the weight of the water drags you down, down down, biting liquid filling your lungs. The kind of ice that kills, slowly and painfully and without remorse.

"And two," he continued, "I will never forgive you."

"Why did you bring him here?" Alexander demanded, rounding on me.

"Because I need his help."

"And you thought it would be okay—" He made a frustrated sound. "Whatever. We'll talk about this later." He turned to Thomas, his entire disposition softening at once as he placed a hand against his arm. "Are you going to be okay, love?"

Thomas shrugged. "I'll live. It's fine. Let's just see what John needs," he said, and as he looked up at me, the hostility was gone. He offered me a small, semi-comforting smile, and nodded his encouragement. "Is everything alright?"

"Hold on," Alex cut in. "Before we get to whatever this is, why don't you go take your... what were we calling them again?"

"Subject 7-4-7-6-AD's?"

"Yes. Those. And you should get something to eat and drink while you're at it."

"Are you sure? We have people here."

"What did Abigail say? What did the doctor say? Once every day. Go take them."

"Okay, fine," Thomas groaned as he stood up. And as he retreated, he paused at one of the thousands of stickynotes, before turning back to Alexander with a sheepish expression. "Sorry. Not the time for these, I guess."

Alexander frowned. Then, his eyes widened with surprise as he took in the rest of the room. "What—I don't—?"

"We'll worry about it later," he replied, grinning.

"You know how bad I am at waiting, love."

Thomas rolled his eyes while smiling and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Subject 7-4... whatever it was?" I questioned.

"It's what he wants us to call his antidepressants. He thinks it sounds cooler."

"Really?" James asked, but when I turned to his corner, there was a hint of a smile appearing at his lips. "God, he is such a dork."

"An adorable one," Alexander returned, grinning stupidly. His smile faded and he turned to James. "You don't deserve Thomas."

"Nobody does," Thomas called from the kitchen. "I am a god. At this point, you all don't deserve to breathe the same air as me."

Alexander smiled again and rolled his eyes. A genuine smile, a relieved smile. I raised an eyebrow at him, and he laughed along as an unspoken answer to my unspoken question, and the realization of what I was seeing hit me hard, forcing me to wonder why I was just now coming to terms with the fact that Thomas seems so much happier, all of a sudden. No explanation, no apologies, just him. That's what had been off about him since the moment I walked in the room.

And I couldn't help but smile, as though a huge weight had been taken off my chest, as though I could finally breathe and enjoy the air I gulped into my veins.

And behind us all, James stiffened, and it took me a moment to realize why.

But once I heard it, it was impossible not to hear. A soft, gentle tune floated through the air, sung in a lilting voice that came from the room Thomas had disappeared into.

He was singing.

Alexander froze, and none of us spoke as we sat there and listened to the unbridled song, like that of a morning bird allowing its voice to fill the air.

"Well," Alexander said softly, and I don't think I've ever seen anybody absolutely beam like that before, and certainly not him. He smiled as though the rest of the world had ceased to exist. He smiled as though he had come face to face with a god of its own kind, fallen straight from the stars above to offer him something beyond comprehension, beyond explanation. He laughed softly, wiping his eyes, and watched Thomas with such an expression so sweet and warm it might as well have been honey.

We listened in silence, captivated by the simple noise.

Thomas soon returned and handed him a plate of mango slices and a glass of water.

Alexander grinned, accepting the plate from him carefully and pulling Thomas down to the couch so they were sitting side by side. He wrapped his arms around Thomas's waist, laughing breathlessly. After perhaps a moment's hesitation, he bridged the gap and pressed a soft kiss to Thomas's cheek, who proceeded to smile and lay down in his lap.

"Thanks, honey," Alexander said as he popped a mango slice into his mouth.

"Honey?" Thomas asked, glancing up at him. "That's a new one."

"Gotta diversify, y'know? Keep you on your toes."

"Are you two done yet?" James asked.

"Oh, fuck off," Alexander returned, the color and whimsy leaching from his eyes as he shot James a deadly glare. James held up his hands, stepped backwards.

"I'm just saying. If this is why you invited me over, I have better things to do than sit here and watch this all day."

"Then leave," Eliza snapped, rounding on him. You know you're a terrible person when Eliza hates you.

"I'd very much like to," James returned. He cast me a glare. "I don't know why I even bothered coming if this is all that this is going to be—"

"Wait! No, please. I —I need your help."

"Why?"

"I don't—it's hard to explain, and I—" I took a deep breath, feeling all eyes shift to me. What a painful, painful weight they piled atop my shoulders in that moment. A largely unfair burden, but what else had I expected when stepping into the spotlight?

"What's up?" Thomas asked softly as I failed to come up with a response. He stroked Berlioz's black fur and gazed at me with no small amount of warmth in his eyes. Acceptance.

It pissed me the hell off.

He didn't understand shit.

I understand he was trying to be nice and I absolutely despised myself for that small flicker of annoyance towards him, but I couldn't help it.

"Right," I said. "So you all might be wondering why I have called you here today."

"Yeah kinda," Maria said. "You've basically told us nothing."

"I have a problem. And if it is what I think it is, I'll kill myself."

"Don't talk like that," Alexander said sharply. "I get enough of that from this one." He looked down at Thomas, who was making Berlioz dance and singing a verse from Dancing Queen by ABBA.

Well, he was certainly feeling better.

"What's the problem?" Maria asked.

"I don't know how to explain it and I just need you guys to tell me I'm being stupid and that it's time to get over it and stop acting like a child, you know?"

"Well, maybe it would help if we knew what was wrong," Eliza pointed out softly.

"I mean, I'd be happy to regardless," Alexander muttered under his breath as he played with Thomas's hair, the simple action appearing to be the only thing that could actually successfully calm him down.

"I don't know...I just—I've been feeling weird lately and...well..."

Thomas perked up with interest. He set Berlioz down and sat up. "How so?" he asked as he popped a mango slice into his mouth.

"It just seems like...I'm getting nervous now. About everything. And even when I'm trying to joke around and have fun, it doesn't seem like I'm doing a good enough job of pushing down the worry, right? And sometimes, I don't know, I just can't breathe or think right," I paused, gasping for breath, as the words effortlessly flowed out of me. They needed no reason, nor did they need any thought. They came and went as carelessly as a leaf floating in the wind, never stopping to look at the world it passed by or the people who stood watching it, wondering about that single leaf and the stories it could tell.

And the more I spoke, the dumber all of this seemed. The warmer my cheeks blazed, at having bothered them all over something this stupid. At having been so incompetent and worthless that I couldn't piece things together on my own.

"Suddenly, I feel...you know...like nothing I do is good enough," I whispered, unable to meet their eyes.

Alexander tensed with worry. He rose from the couch, stepping forwards, to touch me on the shoulder. I tried not to cave into the subtle embrace of his touch, but he dangled the promise in front of my head, the promise that everything would be alright. "John," he said softly. "How long has this been going on?"

"It's always been like this, but it's only just got worse recently. I don't know, I just feel kinda useless, you know? Like I'm competing for attention but I don't understand why and—"

"Is it a person?" Thomas asked, all of a sudden, his words tolling through me like the strike of a gong. He sat up at once, blinking at me. And at my silence, he tilted his head, meeting my gaze full on. "Is it...two people?"

I could not speak, could not move my head in simple affirmation or rejection. All I could do was stand there and wither under his realizing gaze, under all of their gazes, and it wasn't fair. And just like that, a fate I had never wanted that had just been thrust upon my shoulders, had been sealed, and I was left trapped inside an unknown boundary.

"It's not Lafayette and Hercules, is it?" Maria asked, a small, knowing smile tugging at her lips.

"What? What did they do?" Alexander pressed, clearly not understanding. "They didn't say anything to you, did they?"

Thomas laughed, grabbed Alexander by the arm, and pulled him backwards.

"I don't get it! What's going on?"

"You're not..." James started, far more careful and halting in his approach than the others. Of course, he blatantly ignored Alexander, and in the moment, I don't think I blamed him.

"I don't know, okay? I just... I've been getting really nervous around them recently. I get this strange feeling whenever I look at them and I suddenly care a lot more than ever whether they like me or not. Sometimes it seems that everything I do is just an attempt to impress them, and I feel incredibly honored just to see them smile. I also feel like they're judging every little thing I do. Like they think I'm not good enough. I don't know. It's weird. I've never felt like this before. I can't explain it. I just feel so flustered and stupid. I thought maybe you guys would know."

"John," Eliza said softly, grinning. "It sounds like you're in love."

Ah. Hypothesis correct.

"Fuck."

"I thought you three were already dating?" said James.

"Wait, what?" Alex asked. "How'd we get from A to B?" he glanced at Thomas, tugging on his sleeve until he turned to look at him. "I'm so confused."

Thomas smiled. "I'll explain later, don't worry." He turned to me, his smile widening. "That's great, John! I'm so happy for you!"

"This is not great!" I exclaimed, falling to the floor in anguish. This was the exact opposite of great!

This was going to fail. And it was going to fail bad, and once more, I'm going to get hurt and ignored and it's all going to go to shit. I can't deal with that pain again, not now, not ever. Not when I've barely figured anything out.

Of course, another stupid part of my stupid brain had to come and create a whole new inconvenience for me to puzzle my way through. A whole new maze of emotions for me to attempt to explore, only to get lost to the point where there is absolutely no escape at all.

The truth is sad. It's simple. It's crushing.

I didn't deserve to be loved by either Lafayette or Hercules.

Thomas frowned. "What... what do you mean?"

"This is horrible! I can't be in love with them! This can't be happening! Is there any way to make this feeling go away?"

"I don't understand," Eliza said softly, right before she answered the question I could barely answer myself. She fell to the ground carefully, Maria sinking down with her, and Thomas eventually joining us. Alexander stayed seated on the couch, evidently lost in his own confusion but willingness to understand. "What's wrong with being in love with them?"

"There's absolutely no way they could ever like me back. It isn't possible."

"John, there's really no point in trying to get rid of a feeling like this," Maria said. "And why would you want to?"

I said, "There's no way that they could ever like me back. I'm annoying and stupid and clingy. Everything I do is a mistake. I wouldn't deserve their love. They'd never like me. I'd be surprised if they even like me as a friend. I'm sure that the only reason they bother to waste their time with me is because they feel bad for me. Okay? That's it. End of the story. It isn't up for debate."

"John—"

"There's no way on earth that they'll ever like me."

"What makes you say that?"

"What if they're straight?"

Because I don't even know that much. They are the two closest people to me in this entire world, besides Alexander maybe, and I don't even know how they'd feel about dating a guy. I don't know half as much as I always thought I did, and when it comes to those two, I find myself knowing less and less and less.

And as much as some stupid part of me would love to spend eternity getting to know every last aspect of them, figuring out what made them tick, what made them smile, what made them who they are, I don't have that luxury. I have nothing.

"Haven't they had sex with you before? Typically, if a man fucks two other men, they aren't straight," Alexander said.

"Well you obviously don't know how men work."

"Wha— How would I not know how men work?"

"You don't think it's even slightly possible that they were just...I don't know, experimenting, maybe?" I snapped, the words falling out far rougher than I had meant them. "And it's not even like they'd—"

"Lafayette is not straight," Thomas said, with a dismissive laugh. "Trust me, I know from personal experience that Lafayette is not..." And he trailed off, suddenly away of Alexander's gaze. "Umm...never mind."

"You have something you wanna share with the class?" Alex teased in response, leaning against him. "You and Lafayette...wow. I never would have thought that—"

"Okay! It wasn't like that! I—"

"Thomas," James hissed, and both of them stiffened at the spark suffused through his voice. "This isn't about you." He turned to me, suddenly a whole lot softer than I've ever seen him before. Granted, that's not saying a lot, but I'll take what I can get. "Maybe it's possible that they genuinely like you as a person and enjoy being your friend?"

"Why would they?"

"Well, maybe because I enjoy being your friend," Alexander volunteered. "And I hate a lot of people."

I laughed to myself, though I had no idea how I was able to draw on such a stupid thing like humor at a time like this. "Well, I suppose that's true."

"You're great, John. And if they can't see that, they're not worth your time," Alexander returned.

It was minuscule, the way Thomas's smile seemed to flicker at the statement. I didn't press it. And neither did the others, as Eliza took my arm.

"You know what, John? I have a plan. A full-proof plan. A plan to make them fall in love with you."

"Let's hear it."

"Step one, light your apartment building on fire."

"Ooh!" James said. "I love this plan!"

"This plan sucks," I said.

"Hey!"

"Wouldn't that just be counterproductive?" Alexander asked.

"Eliza, honey, no," said Maria. She turned to me. "Why don't you maybe just talk to them? Like civilized human beings?"

"Or," Thomas suggested wryly, his eyes widening as he stared at nothing. "You could yell at them until they get so upset they want to hurt themselves or fall of a bridge. And when they'll come back to you, seeking comfort and warmth, you refuse to acknowledge their feelings and instead focus on your own selfish desires until they feel like they are not complete without you, as though their entire existence revolves around you." A beat passed. "Or you could get them chocolate, that usually works too."

"Wow," Maria said. "That got dark fast."

Thomas shrugged.

Somehow, both James and Alexander looked increasingly uncomfortable, and if they have never agreed on anything before, perhaps this was it.

"You know what?" I asked, beginning to get annoyed. "Thanks guys. Seriously, it really means a lot. I'm sorry for wasting your time. This is a lost cause. There is no way Lafayette or Hercules would ever like me and there's no point in pretending otherwise. I'm sorry. I'll go."

"Why do you think that?" Maria asked. "Why do you think it's so impossible?"

"Because I don't like myself. And if I don't like me then who's going to?"

"Well, I don't like myself either yet you all care about me," said Thomas.

"That's different."

"I don't think so," Thomas shrugged. "Look, John, I know how you feel. Really, it must be annoying to hear, but I do. You're scared of being vulnerable. But if you don't open up yourself to the world outside at all, you're never going to get anywhere in life."

I felt my body tense as his words rolled off of me, but my mind seemed so distant at the same time. So separated. And while I could feel myself standing there, I also felt like I was drifting aloft in a vacuum, deaf and blind to the rest of space itself, trying to cling to the last shreds of oxygen I had before the world around me simply blipped out of existence, and my name became nothing more than a foggy memory.

"I don't want to be alone," I whispered.

Slowly, Thomas stood up. He crossed over to me and pulled me into a hug, all without whispering a single word. He didn't need to, I don't think. It was just nice to be held, for a few moments.

"So what do I do?"

"You tell them how you feel," James said, so bluntly it made me stop to question why I had never considered such a thing before. There was a moment of softness, as he drew up next to me. He and Thomas exchanged a knowing look, but with every step that James took forwards, Thomas took a step back, never trusting him enough to have any less distance between the two. "You tell them how you feel, because if you try to live with all of that pent inside, you're going to hurt."

"I don't know if I should be taking advice from you," I snorted.

"You are the one who asked for me. I didn't have to come. I didn't have to know. But you trusted me, for whatever reason, and I'm going to tell you right now that not doing anything is going to kill you."

Thomas didn't say anything, but it wasn't hard at all to guess at the conflict waging through his eyes. Alexander joined him silently, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm scared," I admitted. Why was I trusting him? I had no right to trust him. He had done nothing worth it. And yet, it seemed okay, just to let somebody else figure everything out for me.

"If you tell them how you feel, there's a chance it won't go well at all. But there's also a chance that something amazing happens. If you don't tell them, there's no chance of either happening."

Thomas stepped backwards again, his eyes darkening. He said nothing else.

"So, long story short," Alexander said. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

"The choice is yours," Eliza said, smiling at me. "We can't make it for you, but it worked for me."

"And, hey, if it doesn't pan out, you can always result to murder?" Maria suggested.

"No."

I smiled. "Thanks guys."

~•~

"So basically," I said, my eyes closed shut and my head lowered. "I like you two. In a way more than friends."

Silence filled the room.

Crushing silence. Painful silence. A silence that echoed off of every damn building and every damn corner in this artificially lit city. There was nowhere to go, nowhere where that silence hadn't invaded. And I was left with nothing but those words resounding through the air, whispering my shortcomings back at me.

"I'm so sorry," I said quickly. "I know that sounds so weird and so stupid and it doesn't make any sense and I don't make any sense and I didn't mean to waste your time and you probably hate me now and—" I was cut off as I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me and pull me to the ground.

I blinked in surprise as Hercules and Lafayette hugged me fiercely.

"Why would we hate you?" Hercules asked after a moment.

"I—" I began, choked up slightly and feeling my eyes water.

Lafayette pulled away and wiped away my tears. "Don't cry." He was beaming so happily, in a way I'd never seen from him before. He wrapped his arms around me again.

And the echoes died, and my heart took flight, and even though it made no sense, it didn't need to for me to know it was utterly beautiful because first and foremost, it was mine.

"So...you...you like me too?"

Hercules answered by holding me just a fraction tighter, and Lafayette pressed a kiss to my face, cupping my cheeks.

I smiled, feeling tears of joy spill down my face.

~•~

Wow, this is the first chapter I've written where I've ever cried while writing it. That's actually really weird, especially when you consider all of the other chapters in this fucking package of angst and sadness. Maybe because out of all the characters in this book I relate to John the most? Idk.