//TW: none??\\

You all deserve a bunch of chapters of fluff before it all goes to shit.

Also happy holidays!!

Thomas

It's remarkable, almost, how swiftly everything changes. I look back on the person I was mere months ago and I do not recognize him. He is a shadow, I am starlight. He is silence, I am the complex composition of an endless song.

All those eons ago, I feared touch. I feared warmth and happiness and the smallest resemblance of love because such a temporary and bending thing is almost always guaranteed to change. Quicker than a flash of lightning, and a thousand more times destructive. And what had once filled the world with a brilliant light would inevitably become corrupted and dark and hopeless, leaving me blind, leaving me as little more than a lost sailor with the threat of drowning rising as every wave swallowed me under. I feared the very person I was supposed to trust more than anyone else in the world, the only person I was supposed to have when the sky turned grim, clouded over by an oncoming storm. But most of all, I feared myself. I feared the little things that made me me simply because that was what I was told to do. So fearing it, I hid from the world.

But now?

Now, everything was different in the most marvelous of ways.

I curled up against Alexander's chest, smiling as he wrapped his arms around me and held me closer. His lips grazed the side of my forehead lightly, perhaps incidental, but no less meaningful. I should have been watching the movie but all I could focus on was Alexander and the way his fingers lightly tapped against my bare arm. Was that his heartbeat resounding through my ear, steady as the rhythm of a drum, or was it my own? Did it even matter at this point? I pressed myself closer, the most delightful of shivers traveling down my skin wherever he brushed against me, something so foreign yet familiar at the same time.

God, I adored it when he held me. When he touched me. When he kept me close and promised to never let go. Simply put, I adored him.

The same movie we had watched almost a hundred times before unfolded before us, somehow completely new and completely different despite all the prior times it had already been ours. Even though I had the dialogue committed to memory at this point, each moment was a completely new experience. It was a romance so timeless, filled with a sweet, unadulterated purity. A story with a happy ending. The kind of fantastical life I had always wanted for myself.

I smiled up at Alexander, slid my hand against his cheek, and brought his face down so our lips were perhaps a few inches apart. My heart beat loudly in my ears as I waited, the scent and the feeling of him washing over me. He closed the distance after a second's worth of hesitation, and let his mouth land against mine.

I shifted, allowing him to press me against the arm of the couch, bringing my legs up around him. His lips turned upwards into a grin against mine as he kissed me deeply but not roughly, touching me in all the right ways. I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me so I could soak in all of the stardust that made him who he was. His thumb brushed against my cheek as he cupped my face, pushing me back against the couch, his entire body pressed up against mine. There was nowhere to go but there was nowhere else I'd rather be. I was perfectly content being in his arms, being his.

Alexander kissed for the sake of it, taking his time and pouring in a thousand different moments that could be ours. He held me close and held me tight, until there was nothing left but the two of us. I was painfully aware of him, of the space he encompassed, and the sound of my heart rushing in my ears as he kissed slowly, softly, yet filled with an unmatched passion.

It was bizarre, how drawn to him I was. How completely my world revolved around him. Did he know what he had done to me? Did he know how deeply I cared about him, depended on him for my utter survival.

The movie played onwards, but I doubt either of us were paying it any mind. I knew I wasn't, especially not with the way he kissed me and held me and made the rest of the world and every monster and shadow lurking inside of it disappear. I allowed myself to surrender to him, happy as long as he held me there, his hands sliding down to wrap around my thighs.

"Thomas," he breathed my name as he drifted backwards after a few moments, and I swore it almost sounded like both a prayer and a plea at once. My voice hitched in my throat as he angled my chin up gently, looking into my eyes as I looked into his. There was something intimate about it, about peering deep into his soul as he did mine. I wonder what he found. I wonder if he liked it.

"Y-yes?" I whispered, clinging onto him, terrified but elated at the thought of all he could say. Would he open himself up to me? Pour out every last feeling until there was nothing left in the world? Would he kiss me again, making me his? The way he touched me just then, so tender and gentle yet still capable of sending shivers working across my skin, completely unraveled me. I couldn't stand this anymore. I needed him. I needed him to say he needed me.

"We're out of popcoooorn."

Disappointment filled the hollow hole deep inside of me, but I pushed it down with a smile and leaned back against the couch, gazing into his eyes.

"What do you want me to do about that?"

"One, get off of me so I can go make more, or two, go make more yourself."

"Or, three, I could just stay here and you'll have to deal with your popcorn addiction for the rest of the night."

"You're making me choose between my love for food and my love for you and honestly that's just not that fair."

He paused before the word could even sink in, before I could even process those simple four letters we as humans place far too much emphasis on. "You know what I mean," Alexander said, shrugging as though it hadn't mattered.

I forced myself to ignore the bitter tang on the back of my tongue. "Do I?"

"Baby, you're not being fair," he mumbled, sliding away from me and reaching for the remote so he could pause the movie.

I grinned. Good to know I mattered to him as much as a snack. "Alright, Alexander, I'll make you more."

He was quiet for a moment, as if something I said didn't quite match up. "That's what it is. You don't call me Alex," he pointed out finally.

"What?"

"It's not a problem or anything. It's just that you always call me Alexander. Not Alex."

"Oh. I'm sorry," I said, frowning, though a little surprised at his sudden realization. "Do you want me to?"

"You don't have to apologize! It's just something I noticed. And it's totally up to you." A sly look passed in his gaze. "And I mean, you could always call me something else if you wanted..."

"Do you want more popcorn or not?"

"Thank you love."

And before I knew it, the warmth of his touch had fully and utterly disappeared. I bit back a sigh as I took the bowl away and hurried to the kitchen. The sooner I was done, the sooner I could return to his arms, and the sooner I could feel what it was like to be wanted and cared about again. The world felt significantly colder now that he wasn't holding me.

I forced myself to exhale, to relax, and continued making the popcorn. It wasn't hard or anything, but the pervading memory of him against me, his lips against mine, continued to frazzle me in the best of ways.

Before, I hated being touched and kissed and held but now, it seemed as though it was all I had ever wanted.

Does he want you the way you want him?

Let yourself be happy for once.

I smiled at the thought, the simple request that managed to flourish wherever Alexander was concerned, withdrew the popcorn from the microwave, and emptied the bag into the bowl. But not before adding a special ingredient of my own. What? Chocolate in popcorn is good, don't judge me.

After I was finished, I returned to the couch and set the popcorn down on the table, only to find Alexander missing from his usual spot. Suppressing a sigh and the sudden wave of anxiety that rose out of nowhere and washed over me, I dropped down onto the couch and tucked my legs beneath me.

The steady rumble of talking drifted from the hallway. Alexander's, and he sounded quite upset. I folded my hands in my lap and waited, trying to ignore the sudden heaviness weighing my heart down. A stream of quite colorful swearing disrupted the steadiness of his voice, peaking with his anger. I swallowed, forced my shoulders to stay relaxed, and took a sip from the coffee mug only half filled with tea. Its warmth settled in my stomach, and I let out a soft sigh before curling up against the arm of the couch and just listening to the world outside.

The song of the city at night. Not asleep, but not quite busy either. It was a strange paradox that I was somehow not quite used to, even after six or so years.

"Sorry, love!"

I opened my eyes to see Alexander hovering over me. He cast me a comforting smile and sat down next to me, throwing an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. Hesitating for a brief second, he fished a flower out of the vase on the coffee table, another spoil from his daily bouquet that he bought for me, and fixed it in my hair. Not a rose, this time, but a sweet-smelling gardenia as white as fresh snow. I sighed, pressing myself against him.

"Don't they have meanings?" Alexander mumbled, pressing his lips against my temple. "The flowers, I mean."

"Uh, yeah. I think so."

"Well, do you know what this one is?" he asked, toying with the petals. His fingers brushed against my bare skin as he did so, and even though I should have been used to it, it still set my heart aflame with the most delightful of fires.

"No," I admitted, closing my eyes. I shifted my head a little, so his fingers fell into my hair. He chuckled softly before playing with my curls in all of the right ways. "I do not know the secret flower language."

"It's a secret?!"

"I'm only messing with you, Alexander," I said, peering up at him.

"Oh. Well, stop. It's mean."

"Sorry."

He grinned, played the movie, and slid his other arm around my waist. "You're mine," he whispered, and I wouldn't be too surprised if he wasn't even aware he had said it. It was one of those passing sentiments, the fragments of a hazy dream. The kind of things you only say as the real world slowly filters back and you're caught standing on the precipice of what is real and what is imagined.

It made my insides burn nonetheless, once more illuminated by the glow of his fires.

"God, you're so pretty," he said.

"Watch the movie."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Alexander."

"You're far better to look at you, know."

I rolled my eyes, reaching for the bowl of popcorn and shoving a handful into my mouth. Shame could consume me later; for now, I would revel in the experience of being here with him, and popcorn was just an added benefit.

"Whatcha thinking about?"

"The movie."

"God, you're no fun tonight."

I hid my laugh behind my hand and tucked my face into the crook of his neck, a wave of pure, sweet bliss washing over me. Why did I need anything else?

"So, who was calling you?"

Alexander sighed, shaking his head. It was almost miraculous, how quickly the smile dissolved from his face. "Nobody important."

"It seemed important. You sounded really upset."

"Yeah, but it's really nothing. Just a bunch of idiots who think they know better than me." His eyes softened as they caught my gaze. "And I decided I'd rather spend time with the prettiest boy in the world and not ruin it, you know?"

"You're the prettiest boy in the world."

"You're wrong."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Alexander, please just let me win. You never let me win and I wanna win."

Alexander laughed, and even as the movie continued on around us, he cupped my face in his hands and brought his mouth down. I closed the distance and we were kissing again, just as we had before.

God, there was nothing else in this world that I wanted as much as I wanted him.

Alexander grinned, drifted away. "I think I win that time, actually."

"Sometimes, you can be really childish, you know that?"

"I know everything," he responded, still holding onto me. "Hey! You know what we should do?"

"What?"

"We should make a pillow fort!"

"How old are you?"

"Old enough to know that pillow forts are awesome."

"Okay, fine. Where are we going to get all the pillows from?"

"We're smart. We'll figure something out," Alexander responded.

"Yeah, we're the smartest."

"We are!"

I sighed, closing my eyes, and shifted so my body was pushed against his. He slid both arms around my waist, holding me tighter as he set a quick kiss to my forehead. I soaked in his warmth, clinging onto the strength his presence imbued me with. He could kiss me again if he wanted. Heavens know I wouldn't mind. And it would have been so easy; all he had to do was angle his face a little lower and our lips would be brushing and he could once again deliver on those quiet promises he continues to make every single morning, the same ones I will never forget.

A yawn escaped my mouth before I could stop it, reminding me just how tired I really was. It seemed like just the thought of getting up and moving was tiring all on its own. "Maybe tomorrow to the pillow fort."

Alexander smiled, caressing my cheek gently. "Maybe tomorrow. You're tired, aren't you?"

"What gave it away?" I responded, pressing myself into his chest. What a nice pillow his body made. Very comfortable. And he smelled just like home.

I closed my eyes again, images slowly filling my mind one by one as a sense of sleepiness set in. They were images that seemed to come out of nowhere and vastly differed from one another, while all of them somehow still carrying the same exact message.

Alexander and I sitting in a remote garden, completely removed from all signs of human civilization but still teaming with life. Vines of flowers bloomed around our heads, climbing up the white trellis walls. Butterflies and bees danced from petal to petal, little sailboats in a sea of bright and vibrant colors. The birds twittered on peacefully, singing their own melody.

Then, a soft rain streaked down the windows of a quiet corner of the library. Each of us flipped through the pages of books that hadn't been properly treated or loved as they should have been in years. Warm browns and muted pinks and dull whites and fairy lights draping down from the ceiling, casting our private library in an ethereal glow.

And then came the sea spray of a gentle ocean's mist tickling across my face as we walked along, barefoot in the sand. The cold water lapped at my feet but I didn't mind because I held Alexander's hand in my own as we talked about nothing and everything at once. A pair of gulls flew overhead, heralding the dawn of a new day.

And as I drifted further and further into the stream of thoughts, they seemed less and less like sudden, random half-formed images and more and more like snapshots from a dream, calling out to me, a promise and a relic from a not-so-distant future. One that was so close, I could reach out my hand and feel its feathery brush...

just as it slipped out of my grasp.

But a sharp gasp ripped me out of the slow descent into the dreams and shoved me back into the waking world. I jumped up with a start, heart slamming to life in my chest with a sudden jolt of electricity.

"What? What's wrong?" I exclaimed, trying to worm out of his grasp, but whatever had troubled him just made him hold me tighter.

"Thomas," he said quietly after a moment. "You're humming."

I blinked. "S-sorry?"

"No!" he exclaimed quickly, hooking his fingers under my chin and lifting it. Warmth pooled in my cheeks, exposing me for the mess I often became with the comforting promise of his skin against mine. "Don't apologize! I—" He grinned, a radiant thing really, that consumed all of my attention. "Wow." And Alexander preceded to laugh, pulling me closer to him.

"I don't understand? Is something wrong?"

"No, of course not. I—" He sighed, still smiling. "You just...you used to hum all the time. Back before. Back when we hated each other and everything. But still...it was kinda hard not to notice your humming, and harder still not to appreciate it." Alexander's fingers tapped against my sides for a moment as he frowned, as if trying to think of something to say. What power did I hold to render somebody such as him speechless?

"Yeah?" I asked when his silence had stretched too far.

"Yeah." He sighed. "It's kinda stupid and arbitrary or whatever, but I don't know. I haven't heard it in years, and to be honest, I didn't even realize it was missing until now. But I guess I just think you have a really pretty voice and I miss hearing you hum."

"Oh," I said, lamely. As if curtains hadn't just been drawn back, and a brilliant, beautiful, endless white light hadn't just spilled across my face, opening my eyes to everything in the world that laid outside the boundaries of what I had previously thought I'd known. "I, uh, I didn't realize...Sorry, oh, wow. James never liked that. My humming, that is."

"Of course he didn't," Alexander said, his eyes growing dark and defensive at the mere mention of the boy who's name had pretty much become synonymous with evil. "Because why would he?" But yet again, Alexander's gaze softened as he found me, and he tilted my chin back so I could better look into his gorgeous eyes. "I think it's beautiful. I think it's one of the most amazing sounds in the entire world. I think it's a blessing just to be able to hear it again, and be here with you as you do it. So, Thomas, please don't ever stop." And then he grinned. "Maybe, one day, I can get to hear you sing again."

I didn't know how to respond to that. To any of that. I felt gentle tears roll down my cheeks. "You... you like it when I sing?" I asked quietly.

"I like it more than anything else in this world,"  he said, and there was such a genuine vulnerability to his words that made it impossible to hear them as anything other than the truths that they were. I slid backwards away from him, attempting to cover my face so he didn't have to see my tears ruining such s perfect moment.

But he saw them, anyway.

"Don't cry, love," he whispered, leaning forward and brushing the tears away with his thumb. "Please? I hate it when you cry."

"You are everything I've ever wanted," I said quietly, for any louder and I knew my voice would have shattered. "And I've never been this happy before."

Alexander laughed, smiling warmly down at me. "You are my everything, Thomas. And I just want you to know how much you mean to me. So please, never forget how much I care about you." He held out his hand for me, and the second I took it, he pulled me back against his body.

One arm encircled my shoulders, rubbing my bare skin, while the other hand found mine and embraced it right against the inside of my thigh. I pressed my head against his chest, the perfect position to listen to the steady beat of his heart. And when he spoke, whispering those sweet things that belong only to the fantasies of dreams, his breath tingled against the shell of my ear. It wasn't long before he shifted, working his mouth against my neck with a subtle yet fervent delight. He kissed and he sucked and he offered me the entire world. It took all that I had just to stop myself from becoming undone at the sweetest, most delicate part of his touch.

It paralyzed me, the intimacy of the moment, and there was nothing I could really do but give in and take pleasure in the way he worked at the sensitive skin at my neck, his hands holding me tighter with every gasp and half-hidden whine he won from me. Warmth gathered in my stomach like dancing starlight, and I sank into him, desperate for more.

"I'm sorry," I murmured after what felt like an eternity.

"You have nothing to apologize for," he whispered against my neck, tracing circles on my arm with the very tips of his fingers. I sighed in content as he pulled me closer. "We should probably go to bed." A pause. "I could carry you!"

"You could not carry me."

"What?! I'm strong! Don't doubt me, Thomas!"

"I don't doubt you, dear. But I know for a fact that you could not carry me."

"That sounds an awful lot like doubting, you know. Come on, at least let me try? I can carry you to bed, and it'd be super romantic, and you'd fall for me even more and—"

"So I made this popcorn for nothing, then, is that what you're telling me?"

Alexander smiled. "Alright. Fine. You win."

I softened against him as the movie continued, my eyelids feeling far too heavy. It wasn't worth keeping myself awake, especially not with the warmth that pooled from his body to mine. Especially not with the way his lips gently traced the curves of my neck, careful yet demanding in their own special way.

It felt good to know that someone cared about me. Especially the way he did.

I could have spent hours in his arms, painfully aware of the feeling of his touch. Or it could have been mere seconds. But soon, the images from earlier returned, pressing against me with a newfound determination. So, with Alexander's gentle kisses and touches, and with the whispers of a world that would one day be mine if it wasn't already, I fell asleep. And I dreamed of the most spectacular, most intelligent, most wonderful boy that had ever existed.

And the best part of it all was eventually waking up to him holding me close, as well. To find him and know that this was not just a dream. That he really was mine.