//TW: PTSD\\

Eliza

The endlessly black sky had seemed so heavy walking home that horrible, horrible night, pressing down on me with all the weight of the moon and the stars and the sun. It seemed as though the entire world had conspired to laugh at me, to ensure suffering for the sake of suffering. I'd never understand; I never wanted to understand. How could somebody truly be so evil? So messed up in the head?

It was an image I'd never be able to get out of my head, the way he had held the gun so carelessly, happy to bring about the end of so many wonderful things. Two people who had seen nothing but hardship and pain, finally guaranteed a little sliver of happiness in each other, only to have that ripped away once again? In what world was that fair?

What world did we live in where the ones who live in light and love lose?

I walked home alone, surrounded by strangers who could have cared less about me, and the glorious lights of the only city I had ever known in my entire life. Never had these lights seemed so unconcerned with the issues of those who depended on their glow. Never had they seemed so vacant, so empty. So... lifeless. Lafayette and John had escorted Alexander back to his apartment in an effort to make sure that he wouldn't hurt himself anymore than he was already hurting. In an effort to keep him safe from all the monsters in his head, the ones he'd never admit to.

Perhaps I shouldn't be alone either. Perhaps I am just as capable of the equally horrible things.

But if I had to spend one more minute around another person, it would have been the end of me. I would have broke into tears, returning to the little girl I had been so long ago. The naïve, little girl who didn't quite understand how the world worked and thus suffered the consequences. I had promised myself I would never be that girl again to be taken advantage of and thrown out like a broken toy nobody wants any more, and yet, here I am.

So I walked home alone, eyes studying the cracks in the old sidewalk. It always struck me as odd, how ancient this city truly was. It had existed for so long before me, and it would continue to live so long after my death. How strange, for something so not-living to have seen so much more than I could ever hope to. But then I suppose it would be unfair to say that New York City was not living.

I dreaded walking back into my dorm room, to face the girl who had stayed behind so she could study for an exam. I dreaded facing her, having to explain everything I had seen in excruciating detail, to expose every last shortcoming and failure when all I had wanted was for her to see me as...I don't know. Brave? I think it would have kill me, and I hadn't even faced the worst of it.

But before I knew it, my legs had carried me back to my home, the only place I had left to turn to. I stood outside the door, staring at the golden numbers signaling everything I had grown to know. The love I thought I'd never get to see again, less than two hours ago.

I opened the door quietly and walked inside my dorm, shutting it behind me. Hopefully, Maria had fallen asleep. If she was, then I could join her, and she wouldn't know that I was crying.

Oh yeah, I was crying. Kinda forgot to mention that.

"Eliza? Honey, is that you?"

Oh, great.

"Yeah, it's me," I said, trying to force my voice to stop shaking.

It seemed like an impossible task.

Maria appeared from our bedroom and studied me. The minute she realized something was wrong, she ran to me and engulfed me in a hug.  I collapsed into her arms.

She hesitated for a moment, the sound of her heart beating against mine the only thing able to keep me upright. To have somebody holding me, her breath warm against my neck, the only anchor I had to the ground as it shook below me, threatening to spill me over the side. She held me, kissed my temple, and let the world melt away. I don't know what I would have been without her, I don't know what I would have done.

"Eliza, what's wrong?" she asked. I was silent, unable to answer. "Eliza? Please tell me!" I still didn't trust myself to answer without breaking into loud sobs, and Maria seemed to understand that. "Alright, come on." She took my hand and led me to our bed.

"I-I'm sorry," I choked out, wiping at my eyes.

Maria glanced at me, as if for the life of her, she couldn't figure out what I was apologizing for. I turned away from her, unable to face the searching, ever-curious look in her beautiful eyes. It was too much, pressing when I couldn't be pressed otherwise I'd completely fall apart.

"Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about," she said comfortingly. "If you have anything you want to talk about, I'm right here. I'm right here for you."

She was always here. And she would always be here. There was no doubt about it, and that little thing made me feel just a fraction of an inch better. The thought that she would forever be by my side, her fingers intertwined with mine. How wonderful to know I never had to fear losing her, contented by the knowledge that we were simply enough. That there was nothing to keep us apart, like there was with so many others. But in the end, did it matter? Would it ever matter?

We always lost. It was only a matter of time.

I buried myself against her chest. She wrapped her arms around me and I felt her sigh gently. It felt so good to be with Maria.

It felt good to have somebody I could always call my own.

"Okay," I murmured, pulling away. "I think I'm good now."

"Honey, do you want to talk about it?"

"Actually, I'd rather scream into a pillow right now."

"Eliza—" she scolded, frowning with a dismay that made her eyebrows scrunch together in that pretty adorable way they always did. God, what would I be without my Maria?

What would Alexander become without his Thomas?

"I'm sorry." I lowered my gaze and blinked back tears.

Why couldn't I just be a little bit stronger? Why did I have to be just weak enough to let her see me like this? I had promised myself, I had done everything in my power—

"You don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to, but know that I am here for you and I am prepared to fight anyone I have to."

So I explained everything.

What else could I do? She stared at me with those wide, expecting eyes, never asking for more than I could give her. She was cheering me on in the best of times, and right by my side in the worst. She was always there when I needed her, who would I be to deny her this one thing? If she wanted to know, if she thought she could help, then I wanted her to. If she could chase away the bad things, then let her.

So I told Maria everything that had happened, detailing the fear, detailing the way I had thought my life was over, how I was so sure I was never going to see her again.

I explained that for a long, unending moment as I stared down the barrel of a gun, I was struck by the thought that the last thing I wanted to ever think about was how pretty Maria looked, and how sweet the taste of her lips were, especially when she smiled.

At least I got to see her again. At least she was right here, right now, and I had just another opportunity to tell her how much I needed her before I never had the chance again. I gripped her tighter, afraid of what would happen if I let go. Afraid that the things of our past would reform themselves, step back into our lives, and end all goodness forever.

I started crying again.

"Oh, Eliza," she breathed, reaching forward and brushing my tears away with her thumb. "Come on honey, it's okay. I promise, everything's going to be okay."

"How can you say that?" I demanded. "How in the world can you think that everything's going to be okay?"

"Eliza—"

"We lost, Maria."

Maria was silent for a long time after I finished. "What do we do?" she asked finally.

"I don't know! Everyone comes to me for advice, but I barely know what I'm doing half the time! What if Thomas can't take it any more? What if he-"

Maria stared at me, her eyes wide. I couldn't stomach the look in her gaze, so I turned elsewhere, wishing I could have escaped the pressing expectations she had placed on top of me. As much as I adored her, I feared her, especially the thought of what would happen to me should I let her down.

"Eliza, please. Calm down."

"How can I calm down? Something bad is going to happen and I know it and I'm not going to be able to do anything about it and I'm going to lose a friend and why can't anything ever go right for once and I-"

Maria shut me up by placing a soft kiss to my lips.

Well, that'll do it.

"I-" I began as she broke away, slightly flustered.

"You need to stop spending so much time around Alex."

I couldn't help but smile at that. Well, she wasn't wrong.

Maria took my hand once more. "It's going to be okay, honey."

"But-"

"Don't argue with me, I am right." She paused for a moment, as if deciding what to say. "Thomas knows what he's doing," Maria said finally. "Is he being an idiot? Yes. He is. But he knows what he is doing and we have to respect that."

"How can we possibly-"

"Elizabeth Schuyler."

The way she said my name made my heart leap into my throat. As though maybe in the end, everything will truly be okay. As though there was still some light left in this world, some hope that was worth fighting for. It didn't matter if I couldn't see it yet, because Maria could, and as long as I had her to hold onto, nothing could possibly hurt me. She was the stone to keep me grounded, and the wings I needed to fly. She was mine, and she was the best thing that ever has been.

"Everything is going to be fine. I promise. It doesn't look like it now, but everything will work out."

A part of me wanted to believe her. A part of me wanted to agree, and say she was absolutely right and that everything would work out in the end, but I knew that that wasn't always the case.

There was still that little worm of doubt lurking deep below in my stomach, gnawing away at my resolve. And no attempt to squish it where it was would ever be successful for very long.

Despite what I wanted to believe, life didn't always end happily.

Instead of voicing what I thought, I simply smiled and let my head rest against her shoulder. She pulled me into a hug.

I closed my eyes, letting myself lean into the bliss of the moment. She made everything feel right, somehow, even when I knew that it shouldn't be. She made the world a good place to be in, and that on its own was enough for me. As long as I was in her arms, her body supporting mine, the fear and the doubt melted away, for just a little bit. And for just a little bit, it was enough.

I felt awful. I would always have Maria to go to when I was upset, but now, neither Alexander nor Thomas had that.

And that single thought made me confront the things I only let myself dwell on when I was alone, when nobody could see the tears tracing down my face. All the monsters I fought so hard to keep at bay finally broke free to the surface, drawing the air right out of my lungs as if they simply needed it more than I did.

What if I lost Maria? What if one day, she just slipped out of my hands and was gone, simple as that? What if one day, she just decided that she didn't want me anymore? What would I do? Would I be able to do anything?

Or would I lose everything that I have ever loved for a second time?

Maria slipped both of us under the blanket and pulled me to her chest. Almost as if she could hear the thoughts murmuring through my head, understanding the bits of me I myself could not.

And then they bubbled forth, those three stupid words. They escaped the part of me I had tried so hard to keep hidden, gracing the air and never once turning to look back as my voice gave them more meaning then any three words should be able to have.

"I... I love you, Maria," I blurted out. I don't know what had gripped me, but I had said it and that was done and I couldn't take it back.

She froze and looked at me, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open slightly.

Idiot, I mentally cursed myself. Great going, you idiot. You're just a giant idiot, you know that, you idiot?

That was perhaps the worst moment of my life, faced with that devastating possibility of rejection combined with the fear of the deepest part of me I had just exposed to her, whether she had wanted to see it or not. I slid backwards, out of her grasp, already murmuring a million apologies and excuses in an effort to make myself look like less of an idiot. But she stopped me at once, her finger brushing against my lips to quiet me.

"Eliza," Maria finally said, letting go of me.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I-"

"I love you too."

I blinked, my heart skipping a beat at those beautiful words.

"Oh. Uh, th-that's good!"

"Come here ya big dork," she said, pulling me close to her body and wrapping her arms around me. A few moments of blissfulness passed before she said, "Dear god, how long have we been dating?"

"About three months? Why?"

"I just realized we've never gone on a date. Well, we have, but not an official date-date."

"What's an official date-date?" I asked, slightly amused. Maria had this special ability to make me forget about all of my problems temporarily.

I think I needed that right then.

"Y'know, like dinner or a movie, or actually getting out of the dorm for once instead of staying inside like a couple of vampires. That new restaurant opened up a few weeks ago, you wanna go eat there tomorrow?"

"Sounds like fun."

"Great!"

My eyelids began to grow heavy. I closed my eyes and let sleep take me away.

I tried not to let the nightmares consume me, but there was only so much that could have been done about it. But fortunately, I had Maria there to chase all the bad things away every time I woke up.

~•~

It was a bleak morning, that next awful day. Sure, the sunrise itself was a beautiful one, but other than that, there was simply nothing that could have been enjoyed. The entire world seemed dull, and no amount of whispered words saved for the secretive darkness of the night could ever do away with all that we had lost in the glow of the rising sun.

I walked through the city streets, letting the wind pull through my hair, trying to regain my position with the city that had loved me just as much as I had loved it prior to the horrible night before. But perhaps that was not something meant to be.

Perhaps I was already lost to it.

Regardless, I walked along, wishing for an out, wishing I could let go of everything for once and return to those happier times before I knew of loss, of depression, of what it feels like to simply not know anything. I wish I could go back to when the world was bright and filled with limitless potential, when each dawn heralded something beautiful, instead of something to be dreaded.

Perhaps it would have been a better morning if I didn't see them out of the corner of my eye.

It was a brief encounter, hardly one that could be talked of for very long, for it was simply a meaningless nothing. Just a passing glimpse, the way things had been before. Just a moment where I acknowledged their existences, and they acknowledged mine, for better or for worse.

But Thomas and James stood at a crosswalk a block down, hardly recognizable in the crowd. I didn't quite know what had drawn me to them. It was almost as though I could feel their presences beating like the heart of the city, and once I saw them, I couldn't let go.

James clutched Thomas's hand so tightly, gazing down at his phone, as though he didn't find anything wrong with the world.

Thomas stood as still as a statue, his face unreadable even from where I stood, as though he was ready to finally let go and join the endless string of stars floating just out of our reach.

I watched them for a long minute until the crosswalk light signaled for them to go, and they disappeared once more in the crowd.

I continued on, mourning for all that we had lost.

~•~

Alright, so I'm kinda confused. When I started my account, I promised myself I wasn't going to worry about the amount of votes and views I was getting and I kinda broke that promise.

So I'm about to do some complaining, and if you don't want to read, then by all means, don't read. I perfectly understand if you don't, it's boring and I'm kinda being an ungrateful bitch. I just have to rant about something and feel better.

So lately, I haven't been getting as many views and votes as I used to, and I don't understand why. Is the quality in my writing going down? Is the story getting boring? Or am I just looking too much into something?

I'm going to keep writing this story, and I'm not going to stop until it's finished. This has always been a way for me to kinda relieve my stress about certain things because I have no self-confidence in the slightest, and I've gotten way too attached to this book and Jamilton overall.

But, should I update less? Is my writing style getting boring and predictable? If you guys have any tips I'd love to hear them and I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening to my boring rant. Love you guys!

(Edit: wow almost four years later and im STILL suffering with the same thing like wtf is wrong with me. But seriously if I ever just stop posting all together, im really really sorry. I love this book and everything it's given me and I love you guys so fucking much, but its so disheartening to keep posting and not receiving as much attention as I used to. I love you guys to the moon and back and I really wanna stick with it but its difficult some days. Dont worry, im gonna keep writing for now and most likely until i finish it)