//TW: thoughts of self-hatred\\

Thomas

I never realized I had forgotten what it was like to fly until I was miles above the ground, no longer subject to the whims and ideals of the earth, putting a world of anger and fear behind me once and for all. A refreshing, renewing breeze carried me to a palace high in the clouds, Alexander's hand wrapped around mine as he guided me to something extraordinary. For the first time in years, I had that complete swell of bliss and happiness and something so much more that could never quite be acknowledged. And deep within the caverns of my fractured soul, something bloomed. Something thrived.

Every morning feels like another chapter of an unending dream, especially when I wake to find his arms wrapped securely around my waist. There's a particular gaze in his eyes, as though nothing in the world exists but us. And as the pink and orange light of a new dawn washes over the two of us as we lay in each other's arms—each other's presences—he kisses me, long and sweet and soft. He kisses me and he pulls me closer, as if afraid of what would happen should he let go. He murmurs the same words, the same promises, and touches me in all the same, soft ways. And the sun beams in through the window, dancing across his face and lighting up the entire world with it.

I cannot repeat what he says to me every morning. Simply because it is so much more than his simple words. It is so much more than just the sentences that flow out of his mouth, but rather the most fundamental emotions and feelings lingering behind them. I cannot describe the things he promises me, for that would tarnish their glow, but I can say that with every word he murmurs in the early morning, where neither of us are fully aware of the rules fabricated by the society around us, my wings carry me a little higher, and the sky grows a lighter, more encompassing shade of blue.

Every morning starts just the same and yet, is filled with such endless potential and hope completely different from anything I had ever experienced before.

Although, I think it is safe to say that Alexander is completely different from anything I had ever experienced before.

I bask in his glow like blooming flowers in the sunlight, depending on him for my very survival. And whenever he glances my way, gracing me with a warmth he has promised nobody else, I finally feel...alive. I feel as if everything else in the world could disappear or shrivel up and die, but as long Alexander would continue to burn as brightly as he always does, I'd never even notice.

Alexander had given me something I thought I would never see again. He had given me my wings and he had given me my freedom.

Eventually, one morning, after Alexander took my hands in his and brought them to his lips just as he always did, my curiosity got the better of me. I had to ask. I had to know. I had to know what he saw in me that made me so worth his time. Because whatever it was, I didn't see the same thing. Whatever he saw when he looked at me was not the same thing I saw staring back at me in the mirror. He saw something beautiful, something delicate, something worth his time.

And I wanted to see everything he saw.

So I had to know.

"Al-Alexander?" I asked, my voice spilling over the peace of the moment and rendering it null and void. The smile flickered from his face, most likely at the unsteadiness in my tone. I tried to keep my eyes trained on his, but I wavered and faltered and fell a thousand miles flat. So I gazed down, finding it easier to focus on the blanket than on him. The blanket was solid and real, while Alexander was...on a different level altogether.

It made me wonder. With...with James, it was easy to hide. It was easy to shrink away and pretend to be somewhere I was not. I could escape to another realm where nothing mattered and nothing would ever matter. But here, with Alexander, laying in his embrace with nothing between us, there was nowhere to go.

"Thomas?" he said softly, his fingers sliding underneath my chin and angling my face up so I had nowhere else to turn to but his beautiful gaze. "Everything alright?"

"Umm, I just...I don't know, I..."

"Talk to me," he said when I trailed off and didn't say anything else for quite some time. I sighed, slid myself closer to him. My heart thrummed in my chest as he slid a hand through my hair, playing with the coils rather carelessly.

"Why do you always do that?" It wasn't what I meant to ask but it was as good a place to start as any.

"Do what?"

"I mean. The things you say." I swallowed, fully aware of how pathetic I sounded but pushing myself through anyway. "Why do you always...make those promises?"

His promises of affection. His promises of protection. His promises to show me something that doesn't quite resemble the full impact of the word love yet but perhaps, reaches it in theory. Every promise he makes, whispered in my ear so only the two of us can ever have them, settles firmly in my soul with the intent of staying there and never leaving my side. And even despite their weight, I become lighter.

"What do you mean?" he asked, although I knew for a fact he knew exactly what I meant. I guess he was just taken aback that I could be so stupid as to not figure it out for myself.

I stumbled for a second or two, tripping over all the things I wanted to say and all the things I never could. "Umm, I don't know. I just...I don't know. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," he whispered, sweeping the hair from my face. He sat up, bringing me along with him. And then there was the way he held my hand, as if he was making a vow. "I'd promise you the moon and the stars and everything in between, Thomas, if it meant you staying here." He pulled me closer, eyes flickering to my lips. "I'd promise you anything just so you can fully understand the way I think about you."

For a long minute or two, I was too lost in the security of his embrace to formulate a proper response. "I don't deserve you."

"Then you really underestimate what you're worth." A pause, in which he grinned at my reaction. "What?"

"You're so good at all of this," I said, unable to hide my laugh. And soon I was giggling uncontrollably, resting in his arms and burying my face in his chest, and he pulled me closer and allowed himself to laugh right alongside me. And the world stood still in the wake of us, as if waiting for us to catch up.

"Want to go for a walk?" he whispered after a moment, slow to let go.

"That sounds wonderful, actually."

He smiled, cupping my face. "Kiss?"

"Of course."

Alexander closed the distance between us, an action that had fortunately become commonplace for us. I loved Alexander's kisses. They were so utterly different from anything I had ever experienced before. Slow, soft. With the intent of pronouncing a feeling better left unspoken. There was no heated fireworks, no desperate need to dominate. Alexander kissed me as if he had all the time in the world and nothing else he'd rather be doing. Needless to say, he was a million times better.

"Come on," he said as he slid away. "Can I brush your hair? I love brushing your hair."

"You're so weird."

"Yeah. That's why you like me so much, though, right?"

"Well, duh," I returned, and Alexander's grin outshone the sunlight spilling in through the cracks in the curtain. He shot to his feet, retrieved the hairbrush sitting on my dresser, and quickly set to work. I relaxed against him, let out a deep breath of content, and closed my eyes.

I could stay here forever, if he'd let me. If he's hold me and swear he'd never let go. A smile tugged at the corners of my lips as his words from earlier once again murmured through my mind. His promises that he had every intention of keeping, even if he couldn't.

I didn't deserve Alexander, and I never would.

But at least he saw something inside of me that he found beautiful and pure and wonderful, appreciating it when I, myself, could not.

I had never been as happy as I was in that one moment, resting against Alexander's body as he brushed through my hair and went on about the most mundane and most beautiful things.

I never wanted to leave.

~•~

Alexander made it a point to constantly hold my hand whenever he could. He clung to me as tightly as he was able to, pulling me close with every step he took as if trying to protect me from some unseen adversary always lurking just out of view. He refused to let go of me, his touch always lingering over some part of my body, and I didn't mind at all. I reveled in it. In the pure beauty of the idea that I was all he needed to find happiness.

It was a blessedly cool morning. Any other day and I would despise the cold, shy away from it before it could creep past the layers of protection I tried to ward it off with. But being here, Alexander's hand swinging happily in mind as he told me everything about everything, revealing the secrets of the universe to somebody who pry didn't deserve to hear them, and I was happy. I was fulfilled, I was warm. The cold did not matter, for it could never triumph. It could never win, not with Alexander constantly so close.

And plus, without the cold seeping in on me, I would have no choice but to believe that all of this was some dream I had crafted to torture myself. But the simple imperfection of the barbed wire of the frost cemented the idea that all of this was real.

The air was crisp and clean and smelling distantly sweet with the scent of flowers drifting over to us. The breeze rolled through the park, carrying with it the gentle birdsong. I glimpsed at the trees surrounding us, hoping to see the small creatures. But they were evasive and free and they did not need to be seen in order to thrive. They existed without approval, sang without fear of who was listening.

"Everything okay?"

"Hmm?"

"You've got that look on your face."

"Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize!" he quickly exclaimed, a frown overturning his easy smile. "I just wanna know what you're thinking. That's all."

"It's not important."

"Yeah, but you have a beautiful voice and I really like hearing you talk."

The smile that bloomed was instantaneous and intent on making itself known. My face betrayed me and I ducked my head, lost for any idea of how to respond. That feeling inside my chest only grew, that indescribable but absolutely amazing feeling. Such a simple compliment, and yet one that will stick with me for the rest of my life. And I wished I could have come up with an adequate enough response, something that truly expressed how much Alexander meant to me.

And of course, I failed.

"Uh, thank you! You too."

I winced, ducking my head in embarrassment and wishing I could have done better.

But Alexander grinned and squeezed my hand, his hold comforting in every sense of the word. I didn't have to be anybody I wasn't around Alexander. I didn't have to worry about walls or fortresses or locked doors. I didn't have to fit into a mold that had been crafted with the sole purpose of keeping me silent, subordinate, sealed away. He had opened up thousands of beautiful worlds to me, took me by the hand, and guided me through the splendor of each one.

"I think you're wonderful," I said after a moment, thoughtful and considering.

"You're wonderful."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

We continued through the park, looping through the same old trail three or four times, meandering slowly because there was nowhere else to be and nowhere else to go. But even though the park hadn't changed, it was impossible to view it in the same light. It was ours. Each step held new meaning, leading us on a journey rather than to a destination. Each flower we passed seemed more meaningful. The simple nature of the park itself seemed to be alive, whispering something sweet and fleeting into the backs of our minds.

We had each other and that was enough. He was all I needed and all that I wanted. Wherever he went, I would follow, and I would do so happily.

"Thomas!" Alexander exclaimed all of a sudden, his voice filled with a wonder so childlike and pure that it was impossible not to feel that freedom of flight soaring through me once more, unchecked, unlimited.

I glanced over at him, savoring the way he looked at me. "Yeah?"

"Look!"

I followed his gaze.

Not too far away from our fountain laid a patch of wild flowers, growing free and untamed. A thousand different shades of purples and pinks and blues laid scattered through the field like splashes of a brilliant night sky rich with all the colors we hoped to see in it. The flowers twisted up the side of a forgotten bench and the neighboring brick wall, sprawling wherever they pleased. I stared at the flowers, at the simple complexity of their petals, at the subtle vibrancy of their hues. And I drank in the sight of them, suddenly unable to speak for a reason I couldn't understand. Perhaps I felt like I belonged to them, like they belonged to me.

Alexander's grip tightened around mine, as if to make sure I couldn't slip through his hands, and he pulled me along to the ground amidst the field of wildflowers.

I have always loved that term. Wildflowers. As if the flowers themselves have finally cast off the limits created for them and returned to a world, a time, where they are free.

"Do you know what kind these are?"

I hid my laugh behind my hand, temporarily forgetting his expressed displeasure with that simple action. "Alexander, I don't know everything about flowers."

He was not satisfied with my answer. "Okay, but seriously. What do you think they are?"

I let my fingers brush against the nearest one, its petals a deep shade of blue so dark it bordered on the color of the night sky. I paused, considered, fully aware of Alexander's gaze bearing down on me as he waited. There was something in his eyes I had never seen directed at me before. The kind of thing reserved for a pair of soulmates, a pair of lovers. Affection and desire and a sense of happiness, all rolled into one.

"If I had to guess, they're probably pansies."

"Oh? I thought those were more, like, lily-looking things or something." He shrugged, eyes softening as he gazed up at me. "I know shit about flowers."

I slid forwards, resting my head on his shoulder. Nobody was watching, but even if they were, I wouldn't mind. The flowers and the birdsong drifting through the trees inspired a confidence I hadn't felt in a while, but refused to let go of. Let them see. Let them understand what happiness truly looks like.

I don't care anymore.

Alexander drew his fingers of his free hand through my hair absentmindedly, then his eyes lit up with an idea, and he separated himself from me. I blinked at him, question rising to my lips, but he quickly set to work plucking the flowers from the ground. I reminded him gently to leave some, just so that the rest of the world could retain their beauty, and although he cast me a small, critical smirk at what he believed to be a sweet innocence, he complied.

"What are you doing?" I asked after a moment, watching him study the flowers.

"You'll find out," he hummed, grinning to himself. Then, after his careful consideration was complete, he reached forward and slid one of the small flowers behind my ear. He added another, then another, entwining the stems into my hair, his fleeting touch brushing against my skin every now and again. "There," he said after the last of them had been added. He considered me for a long moment, then laughed softly, his hand once more finding mine and squeezing, a reminder so potent and strong. He took a picture of me and my undoubtedly stupid smile and handed me his phone so I could see.

"Am I pretty now?" I asked softly, admiring his handy work: a gorgeous and quite large bouquet of flowers carefully placed in the space just above my left ear. I reached to touch them, unable to keep back a smile. Is this what he saw? Somebody worthy of the intrinsic beauty of the flowers?

"You've always been pretty."

"Here," I said, plucking one of my own flowers and sliding it behind his right ear. "Now we're matching." His grin only widened as he leaned in, his eyes closing.

"You're ridiculous," he murmured against my lips, breath warm and sweet like the breeze of a summer morning. "Kiss?"

I pushed myself forwards in response, meeting his lips with mine. He pulled me closer to him, and I promptly lost myself to his embrace in a way I had never been able to im anybody else's before. He held me close, and nothing else mattered.

Once we separated, he pulled me down so we were laying in the cool grass ticking against our skin, gazing up at a sky overcome with the light gray of an overcast morning. It wouldn't be long before it rained. I loved rain.

I gazed up at Alexander, who had sat up and laid my head in his lap, still fixing the flowers and making them perfect. And I closed my eyes and let his touch carry me away to a far-off world, a world where colorful flowers bloomed everywhere, even the gray, drab buildings of an old city.

Alexander makes me happy. Happy is not a feeling I had felt in years. But it fills me once again, like something that had never left, and for a moment, just the slightest, sweetest moment, the memories of everything that came before wash down the drain, like blood diluted by water. And the world is perfect, the stars align, and happiness doesn't seem like something so rare and so sought after. It seems normal.

Alexander's arms kept me close as he hummed to himself, the same song I had played for him the night before on my violin, a tradition we had still maintained. He kissed me gently on the forehead, then my throat, then the back of my hand. I gazed up at him in admiration, wondering what I had ever done to deserve him.

I left the flowers in for as long as I could, throwing every last caution into the wind carelessly. And even when eventually they fell out, I pressed them into one of my books, simply so I could hold onto them, their beauty, and everything they stood for for as long as I could. Dreams don't last forever, but the memory of them can. And every time I had brushed my fingers against the petals, the image of Alexander smiling for me sent my heart beating in a rich staccato.

I didn't know how long it would take for Alexander to get bored of me. I didn't know how long it would take for James's prediction to inevitably become true. I didn't know how long it would take until I eventually ruined this, ruined him. I didn't know and I didn't want to, for it was much easier to live moment by moment, focusing on the present and forgetting the past and ignoring the future. I didn't know anything and I never would, not when it came to such a temporary ideal as passion, nothing more than grains of sand as victims of an unyielding wind sweeping them away from all they had every known.

But one thing was for sure. Alexander is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

~•~

I watched the boy sleeping at my side, untouchable and safe from a rather cruel world surrounding us. I sighed, breathing in the very presence of him, painfully aware of every single place our bodies touched. It was so remarkably easy to lose myself when it came to him. Easy and dangerous.

An almost silent sigh pulled itself from my lips as I slid a few inches away from him, hugging at my arms as a sudden chill swept through the room now that I had abandoned his ever-present touch. It was warm underneath the blankets, pressed against Alexander and his undying affection. It was warm in his hold and next to impossible to leave it, for the knowledge that nothing else would ever be so sweet or pure or enticing sank heavily inside of me. But it wasn't the only crushing thought that weighed me down.

You'll never deserve him.

How can I truly be incapable of happiness, especially with the world at my fingertips and the vast, beautiful sky surrounding me?

This won't last.

Such repetitive thoughts. You'd think that eventually, they would die. But they never did. They never disappeared. They were apart of me, for better or for worse, and their posion-tipped claws sunk into my tender skin as I tried to shut them out, to fall asleep to the gentle rhythm of Alexander's heartbeat and breathing.

I couldn't sleep.

I slid away from him, out of his arms and away from his magnetic pull. And even as those thoughts mumbled over and over through my mind, I gazed at Alexander and smiled because here he was, somebody who deserved nothing less than every last star in the sky, and it felt wrong to not smile at him.

I didn't deserve him. I never would. No matter what I tried to argue against the thoughts with, the lenience I tried to allow myself, it was a simple truth and truth cannot be denied.

Only ignored.

I slid off the bed on my side closer to the wall, rose to my feet, and pulled on a sweater to try and counteract the suddenly invasive cold. I blinked at Alexander, then stepped past the bed to leave him. He wouldn't notice anyway, nor should he. The stars didn't notice a sad little moon a million lightyears away, nor did they notice when it eventually faded to nothingness, far more fleeting than a star.

But just as I reached the door, a hand wrapped around my wrist and my legs betrayed me, stopping at once. I hadn't even heard him move.

"Thomas?" he mumbled from behind me, layers of sleep sitting heavily in his voice. I bit back a smile at how cute he sounded all tired like that. "Where are you going?"

"I'm sorry!" I quickly apologized, sparing him a glance. "I didn't mean to wake you up! Go back to sleep and don't worry about it."

Alexander gripped my hand, never faltering. "Where are you going?" he repeated, harsher this time but not directed at me. I glanced over my shoulder to look at him; the glow of his determination flickered like a flame even in the darkness. I softened, allowing him to pull me backwards and eventually back down to the bed. He snaked forwards, falling in close.

"Go back to sleep, Alexander. I'll be back. Don't worry." I did my best to sound reassuring but I'm sure it failed.

"Of course I'm going to worry!" he exclaimed, a trill of panic rising in his tone, though his voice was still slightly muddled by sleep. "Is everything alright? Where are you going?"

"I just...I wanted to get out," I returned, purposely ignoring the first question. How could I answer him? Everything was supposed to be alright, and yet, it wasn't. The same old thoughts still refused to leave me alone, even if they had already lost. "Take a walk."

"You know how much I hate the idea of you wandering the streets by yourself. Especially this late."

Something inside of me lurched, just at the idea that he cared. Maybe most people would have rebelled, insisting they were an adult and could thus take care of themselves, but I sank into the weight of his affection and let it wash over me. I wanted to be his. I wanted his arms to envelope me, promising safety and love, and never let go. I was perfectly happy with that. I was perfectly happy letting him protect me and shield me from the world, especially if it meant getting to stay in his arms for as long as I wanted.

I leaned forward, resting myself against his chest, and he shifted our bodies so he could pull me closer, run his fingers through my hair, kiss my forehead softly after obtaining my consent, because he always did without fail, and I have never cared for somebody more. "Everything okay?" he whispered.

"Bad thoughts. That's all."

"Do you wanna talk about them?"

I shook my head, hiding myself from the world in the warmth of his embrace. He chuckled softly as I moved in closer, fingers scraping against my scalp. "I'm sorry, Thomas," he breathed.

"It's not your fault. I really think I just need some fresh air. That's all."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Head out to the park. It always makes me feel better."

"This late?"

"I know, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid," he hissed, firmly, pulling me even tighter to his body. I smiled, soaking in the scent of his mostly-faded cologne. "Nothing you could ever do could be stupid."

"Tha-thank you."

"I guess I was just surprised, that's all. Well, give me a minute or two."

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking at him strangely.

"I'm going with you! Well, if you want me to."

It took me a while to find my voice, completely caught off guard by the simplicity of his request. Yet, the words rang through my ears like the most elegant of ballads, colors flicking to life in the half-formed shadows. "You-you want to come with me?"

"Of course!" he exclaimed as he slid a few inches away and tilted my head back so I was staring straight into his eyes. "Why wouldn't I?"

"You're amazing, Alexander," I murmured, reaching up to kiss his cheek. He relaxed against me, then jumped to his feet as I slid away.

As we stepped out onto the street a few minutes later, hand-in-hand, the world still alive even in the middle of the night, I caught him staring at me.

"What?" I asked after a moment; I would have given up anything to know what he was thinking, especially when it came to me. Was I doing this right? Was I being a good boyfriend? Love was about a foreign a concept to me as the cultures of a distant, imagined planet, but I knew that I could not afford to screw it up. I might not understand it yet, but I will learn.

His response, as always, was not what I was expecting.

"Nothing. I just hope you know how happy you make me. That's all."