//TW: mentions of self-harm and suicide\\

:)

Thomas

A scream floated through the air, and as the waking world slammed into me again with all of its weight, all of its force, something escaped me. Some distant memory, some forgotten feeling I was sure I'd never know again. It danced right through my grasp, and I was left to stare up at the ceiling as the tingling paralyzation of the fleeting nightmare sunk heavy in my limbs. Waves of water rushed down my throat, drowning out all sense, all hope, and bringing me to the startling realization that somehow, someway, I was drowning. Falling. Dying.

I laid there, trapped underneath the weight of a thousand ghosts screaming their semi-coherent preachings, the fading echoes of my own scream still ringing through my ears. And there was nothing I could do, nothing I could say, but stare up at the blank empty ceiling and allow my mind to distort shapes and conjure up figures out of the emptiness. My heart beat so loud I could hear its pulsing in my throat.

My wrists itched. They burned. They hurt. They hurt so bad and there was no remedy for this kind of pain. It was the kind of pain you dealt with quietly, mostly because what other option did you have? There was nothing at all but the differing shades of gray and black my world had been plunged into, and the monsters that crept out of the crevices they created, borne from the absence of light.

Flashes of the nightmare blurred by in a stream of consciousness that hardly made any sense. They weren't images. They were colors. They were feelings. They were the most intrinsic part of what it means to be a human combined with the overarching fear powered solely by instinct and long-lasting memories carved into our minds. My mind.

The world around me was gray and black, but my mind was colored in hues of a deep, violent red, a red that could only be caused by smoke and flames and embers. A red only caused by chaos and utter destruction, followed by the prolonged, absolute nothingness.

Eventually, after what felt like both hours and milliseconds, the sensations that could only be described as physical static left my body. I gripped myself with a newfound control and forced myself to breathe, to decontextualize, to break everything apart and see the room in the much simpler terms I could understand.

I sat up in bed and waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness just to the point where I could make out the barest forms of shapes. My dresser, my bookshelf, my plants. I drew in the smell of the room, pulling apart the flowery and earthy scents, and my breathing came much easier than before. It was the closest thing to a garden I'll ever have and it's almost enough for me.

In.

Out.

It was all I could do. It was all I wanted to do. Because the only person I needed, the only person whose touch I craved and desired and depended upon for my utter survival, was gone. He had fled like the glow of stars in the daylight, and it didn't help that I essentially had been the one to question their glow in the first place. You wouldn't think they could disappear so resolutely, but they did, overshadowed by the bright and overbearing sun.

The sight of him and John holding each other physically hurt but I'd get through it because what other choice did I have? Unless I wanted to go back to a place where darkness crept around every corner and pain waited with its ivory claws eager to sink into vulnerable skin, I had nowhere to go. I had no other sanctuary, no other home. Every bridge had been burned and I was left stranded on an empty island.

But my home was not this apartment; my home was Alexander. Alexander and his constantly-reassuring smile. And as long as he was happy, what else mattered? It didn't matter how I felt. It didn't matter what I wanted. I had been the center of a story that didn't involve me for far too long, and to what end? It was time to put an end to my misery, my self-pity, and my jealousy once and for all. It was time to let go of a boy who did not need me the same way I needed him.

But still, I wept.

Once the tears started falling, there was no stopping them. They came and they flooded, but at least they extinguished the fire created by those vivid, shallow bursts of red and heartache. They painted my world in a deep and somber blue and at least I had that to hold onto. The tears came and they went, leaving me as nothing more than a mess with a splitting migraine.

I wanted to hurt.

I wanted to end this suffering, this senseless pain. I don't care if that means death. I don't care if that means a blank, muted canvas for the rest of eternity, depicting all the lost potential in a life that once bloomed with colors. I just want the world to finally stop spinning, to finally let me off this ride.

It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just no longer wanted to live.

I didn't deserve to bask in the beauty of this world. I didn't deserve to waste any more space and time than I already had.

I gazed down at my arms. Through the heavy veil of darkness disrupted by the gentle glow of my phone as I turned it on, I could make out the bumps in my flesh where scars carved their homes. I ran my thumb along one of them, shuddering as the pain of those memories burned brightly once more. What had this one been for? What rule had I broken then? Or were they all the same at this point?

I considered finding something sharp and tearing open my skin again. Once again, not because I want to hurt, but simply because I want to know what happens. I want to see my blood bubbling up to meet the surface and I want to understand the peculiar little electric pulses of my neurons wondering why I would ever be so stupid as to try and inflict pain. I want to feel something and pain is something so pain will have to do.

I almost stood up. I almost crept into the kitchen as silently as I could. I almost rummaged through drawers upon drawers until I found what Alexander had taken great pains in hiding from me. I almost spilled stardust once more just to see a glimmer of it once again, if only to remind myself that somewhere, the stars are still up there. I almost caused pain, not just for myself, but for every other person who was burdened by my existence and my suffering. It was not their fault. They did not understand. But they would, soon enough. I almost ended a chapter of a story where nothing really happened in the first place.

Almost is the keyword, because just as I considered it, a soft, yellow glow spilled through the crack under my door, bathing the wooden floors in that light. I pulled my blanket closer, wondering if it was too late to pretend to still be asleep, when a soft knock fell across the door.

"Th-Thomas?" He stuttered as he spoke, as if he was growing accustomed to the thought of having a voice for the first time. I remember what it was like the first time James kissed me, like the rest of the world had vanished and I was finally free. Of course, it didn't last, but good things never do. Maybe that was the whole moral behind this story. That good things don't last. But at least Alexander got to have that rush, that floating sensation of a first kiss, of a blooming relationship. At least he got something happy and pure to hold onto.

My fingers absentmindedly brushed against the rose he had planted in my hair. I hadn't dared move it.

"I heard you scream," he continued, his voice something to be savored and cherished and never forgotten. A week without its tender touch and I had forgotten what it meant like to see the world in color. "Is everything okay?"

I didn't answer, hoping, wishing, praying that he would assume I was sleeping and move on to the next thing that should have mattered more to him than me. Where was John? Weren't the two of them supposed to be together now, never separated? Weren't they the ones that completed and complimented each other?

But Alexander did not buy my silence, not for one second. "Thomas, I know you're awake. Please...please can I come in?" He was quiet for a long moment, and briefly, I thought I had succeeded in turning him away. I never should have gotten so close to him in the first place. If something so raw can make you vulnerable and weak, it isn't worth keeping around. "I just want to make sure you're alright."

I blinked, forcing my stare away from the many scars that spanned the length of my skin. Given time, they would heal, as all things eventually do. "Come in," I said quietly, my voice hoarse in the wake of the onslaught of tears that still tracked down my face. I pulled up my sleeves before he could see the scars and glanced elsewhere, wishing I could purge them from my memory.

The door creaked open, revealing a figure outlined by the light. He stepped into the cold, refreshing darkness at once and made towards my bed, saying nothing but never needing to.

Alexander sank down on my bed and reached forwards. He grabbed my hand in his, and never had I known a touch so soft. But I denied myself his warmth. I wrenched my hand away as if it had stung, as if my mere presence could poison him. I couldn't afford to let myself linger in his love, in his passion. He deserved a lot better then me whether he realized it or not, and no matter how hard I tried, I would always be his downfall. I ruined everything I touched, but I would rather kill myself than ruin Alexander.

Alexander flinched, mouth parting in unwelcome surprise at my coarse and sudden movement. I looked away just so I didn't have to see that disappointment, that doubt.

"Oh," he said after a minute, sounding breathless, completely caught off-guard. "You're crying." An observation clouded by an emotion a lot darker, a lot more like fear. Alexander leaned closer to me, his thumb brushing away my tears, and for the slightest of moments, I wish that was all it would take. Another sob worked its way past my lips and hit the air, spoiling the moment forever, and I inwardly screamed at myself for that resolute solemnity that obscured the look in his eyes.

"I'm s-sorry," I croaked out, an impossible weight resting heavily on my shoulders. I tried to duck away from him but the persistence of his touch held me firmly in place. It wasn't his own doing; I was merely transfixed.

"No, no, no," he murmured, his words a breath on the retreating wind. So temporary, so beautiful. "No, you have nothing you need to apologize for, Thomas." His hand drifted forwards thoughtlessly, fingers caressing the length of my arm as if it was an old habit not easily broken, a rhythm he had fallen into millions of times before. But the second he caught himself in the act, he pulled his hand away and mumbled an apology.

I closed my eyes, blinking away the tears, so painfully aware of his presence so close to mine. It would have been easy to reach out and touch him, to find the one solid thing in a world full of water and air. But how long before he melted, evaporated? How long before he disappeared and I was inevitably left with nothing, just as I had a million times before? He didn't need me. Not now that he had John.

I should be happy but I am selfish and cruel and I am not happy for I mourn for all the things I can never have and I long for a flower which I have killed in the belief that it was a weed. I am a jealous creature by nature and I am consumed by self-preservation rather than the desire to see others happy.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alexander whispered. I gazed at his eyes, searching for the trick, the trap, the catch. They were gorgeous eyes, even in the darkness. Eyes full of passion and embers, a glowing fire not easily put out by even the heaviest of storms. I basked in their attention—their adoration—like it was sunshine beaming down on my face. So warm, so welcome, and all mine.

I shook my head in response to his question, folding my hands together and staring at them instead just so I couldn't lose myself in his eyes and forget about all the horrible things I was, am, and will be. But his sweet siren song pulled me closer, giving me the opportunity to discover its mysteries and savor its tune.

"Are you sure? I heard it's always better to talk about it, but I won't push you if you don't want me to."

I sighed, and at that, a frown creased his lips. He pressed his hand against my arm, as if once more forgetting, and brought himself an inch closer. It was just an inch but it spanned so many infinite worlds and otherwise uncrossable bridges. I should have pulled away, recovered the distance lost, but his touch left me just as paralyzed as the nightmare. And in a way, his touch was a nightmare. The nightmare of not belonging, of stealing something I have no right to take, of learning what it means to be cared about and then having that taken right from my hands. His touch was a nightmare but one I enjoyed, so I didn't dare bring myself to move away.

You're selfish.

You're a monster.

You do not make him happy.

"I dreamt about you."

It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the full truth, either.

"O-oh." He faltered, gazing at me for a second longer than I would have liked. Then, his radiant smile returned in full force, offering me a thousand things I simply did not deserve. "It's okay, Thomas. It was just a dream. And I'm here now, alright? Everything's going to be okay."

His words left me speechless, simply by how true they were. He was here, and as long as he was here, nothing could touch me. If I had been any braver, I would have rested my head on his chest and sunk into his embrace. If I was any smarter, I would wish him a goodnight and return to a blissful state of not-dreaming and not-thinking. But I was neither smart nor brave, so the only thing we had was the moment we were stuck in, this constant dance right along the edge.

Alexander sighed and shifted, again closing the distance by about an inch or two. "Do you want me to stay with you? I really don't mind."

I flashed him a smile, attempting to erase the image of a crying boy who was little more than an unstable mess from his mind. My laugh, strangely, came easy, and I wiped the tears away from my eyes. "I'm sorry, Alexander. I could never ask that of you."

"It's no trouble, really." He left a lot unsaid, and I dreaded to think what lurked behind those words. "C-can I hold your hand?" Why did he stutter?

Regardless, after a long moment, I offered him what he wanted. A smile spread across his lips again as he considered it, holding it as though it was a delicate flower. Even in the darkness, it was impossible to miss the glint in his eyes, and two conflicting sides within me reveled in hope and cowered in fear.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, no! I couldn't really sleep," he confessed. He placed his hand on my cheek and wiped away my tears with his thumb. "What's wrong?"

"It was just a stupid nightmare," I murmured softly as I looked away, confused as to what he meant. Hadn't he already known? Hadn't he figured it out by seeing the scared little flightless bird I became in the wake of fear and doubt?

"What's really wrong?" he said softly.

"I don't—I don't know."

He nodded slowly, drawing himself away. I should have been relieved but instead I was empty, scorned of all the things that had been inches away and yet still managed to slip by.

"Thank you."

"For what?" He genuinely sounded surprised.

"For being here. You make me feel better just by being with me. And, umm, I'm sorry. You won't have to worry about this ever again."

"I don't mind worrying about you," Alexander said. "It's what you do when you care deeply about someone." And then, a frown pressed his lips downwards. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh! Well, I think I can move out by tomorrow evening, if that works best for you. I'll find somewhere to go, don't worry."

"Wait. Wait, what?" Panic turned his voice sour, and his entire body stiffened at once. "Move out? What do you mean move out?"

"Oh. Well, I just figured you'd want a private space...with John. I don't mind. I get it. I'd hate to intrude, you know?" I made myself laugh because it was easier to laugh then to face the crushing reality behind it all. "It's fine, really."

"Wait, no! I don't want you to go!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Alexander. You don't need me now. You have him. Which is great! Like I said, I'm super happy for you two."

"I don't—what?"

I sighed, pushing myself back against the pillows and wishing they would just hurry up and absorb me already so I didn't have to face his questioning gaze. "You'll want some space with him to sort it all out. A world for just you and him. I get it, Alexander. I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you. I'll probably just move in with Lafayette or Aaron or something. Or not, I don't know. But that isn't for you to worry about. You don't owe me anything. And I want you to be happy with him."

"No, you can't go!" The words ripped themselves out of his mouth, but his panic had grown to an intensity to which I doubted he heard what he was saying. "Thomas, I cannot lose you." He drew in a shaky breath. "You make me so happy, and w-without you, I'd be so lost and miserable and confused and—this past week was probably one of the worst ones in my entire life, okay?! I missed you so much, and you were always right there. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose you completely. I—you have a light that cannot be filled by anything else in this world, Thomas. And to watch it go out would be the worst thing to ever happen to me."

And at this point, the tears burning my eyes and my skin broke free of their temporary cage. Alexander softened, his hand hesitantly closing the gap between us once more, thumb wiping the droplets away. He rested his hand against my cheek, holding me there, holding us together. Could he feel my heartbeat? Did he know what I was thinking?

"I care about you," he whispered, and there was such a gravity in his voice like he needed me to know it was true. But how could it be true? He didn't need me. He didn't want me the same way he wanted John. His actions and his words conflict and they leave me so mindlessly confused. "I do, okay? I can't lose you. So please, stay with me."

The string inside of me, keeping me put together, snapped all at once. And I fell apart, completely and utterly.

"Y-you know you're not be-being fair to me, right?" I stuttered, the suffocating sense of sorrow blinding me to reason and deafening me to the words coming out of my own mouth. "You have to know w-what you're...what you're doing to me, r-right?" I didn't intend for my voice to fail so utterly, for myself to break underneath the lightest of touches. "You have to—to know that this isn't f-fair."

"I don't—"

"You're so—you're so nice and p-patient and unbelievably kind and is it any—any wonder I've fallen for y-you? Is it any wonder I want you?!" I demanded, the words slipping out before I had any grasp on what they meant. And the second they hit the air, like a set of discordant, sour notes, Alexander's hand fell from my face immediately. Even in the darkness, his expression of shock was so remarkably easy to read. It took everything I had to swallow down the lump of clay sitting in my mouth and force myself to continue, despite the sudden desire flaring within me once more. That same old wish. To die and never have to worry about anything else again. To disappear and never have to face the destruction and pain I have caused.

"I'm s-sorry," I whispered after the silence had become unbearable. "That wasn't—I know, okay? I know! I know how this sounds, I know how stupid I am! This isn't fair to you, Alexander, but I don't know how else to feel—I—"

The world blurred around me, and although it became next to impossible to breathe with how constricted my chest was becoming, I forced myself onwards.

"I know you don't want me, okay? But I want you and I know it makes me pathetic and dumb but I can't stop myself and...I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry." I sobbed through the words so of course they made no sense. Just a desperate plea of a lost wanderer stumbling through a forest he has no hope of surviving.

Alexander didn't say anything, and so to compensate, my mouth continued moving, spitting out whatever thoughts and feelings rushed upwards. I lost myself in their onslaught, just barely managing to stay afloat when they did everything they could to pull me underwater. I hugged my body tightly, drew myself as far away from him as I could, and looked anywhere but his face. I didn't need to see the disgust in his eyes. I couldn't.

The world was black and gray.

"I don't want to ruin our friendship, okay? It's the best thing that's...that's e-ever happened to me. You're the on-only person that's ever shown me any sense of...I don't know...feeling. I didn't want to—to say anything because I wanted to stay friends—I wanted to c-continue being a part of your life, but, I—" I stumbled, I cracked, I broke.

The path the tears left in their wake was warm and sticky and blinding.

"You're so...good to me. You're so good to me and I d-don't even deserve it and I don't deserve you but I'm so...I'm so lost...I—I don't know what to do, okay? You're so warm and I completely lose myself whenever you look at me or touch me or hold me, or...or..."

Why was he still here? If I were him, I would have ran. I would have left me behind and returned to a world of light and happiness.

"I'm s-sorry. You didn't ask for this. You didn't ask for me. I know you d-don't want me and if you don't even want to be friends after this, I get it, okay? You don't owe me anything and I know you don't want me but I'm sorry okay I'm so sorry—"

"Thomas—" His voice was so soft and sweet but it did little to mask the darker emotion behind his voice so I didn't dare look at him because what if I didn't like what I saw in his gaze?

"I didn't want to ruin things between us but I guess I already have and I'm so extremely sorry. I'll leave tomorrow morning. You have John. You want J-John. You don't want me and that's fine. I'm not mad I have no right to be and I just— I just—"

"Hey, hey, Thomas—"

"You make me feel...i-important, Alexander. You make me feel like there's still hope for—for me." How I managed to continue speaking past all the tears and sobs burning away at the back of my throat, I'll never know. But it was exhausting, sitting there under a week's worth of weight that had been ignored, shoved to the side. I crumpled like a dying flower, waiting for the wind to carry me off already.

"I feel so ha-happy when it comes to you, okay?" I whispered, for any louder and I would fracture the moment completely. "I haven't felt this happy in such a long time. And I wanted to keep it. But I understand, okay? If y-you hate me and if you don't want me and if you'd rather I leave and never talk to you again. I'm selfish. I'm stupid. I'm self-pitying and arrogant and cruel to y-you."

And a silence hung for a very long time, a heavy silence that cast the world around me in a completely new light. An unforgiving light. A tainted light. The slow, freezing realization that I had completely ruined and destroyed everything I had worked so hard for came rolling through my body, extinguishing any fire daring to brighten the world. We sat there in the darkness, two figures restrained and corrupted by my confession. Black and gray and dull and lifeless. I blinked away the last of my tears, brushing them aside, and found my shaky voice to continue.

"Your happiness means more to me than anything else in the world, Alexander. It's a-all that I...all that I want. It's all that m-matters to me anymore. I wa-want to be there for you, and I want to help you and I want...I want to make sure that you find happiness wherever you go. Whatever it takes, I'll do. I just...I just want you to be h-happy."

"Thomas," he breathed after another crushingly long moment, as if he had fully considered the scope of my words. His hand drifted back up, his fingers lightly hooked under my chin, and he raised my face so there was no escaping his gaze. Locked in time, we sat there like a pair of marble statues unweathered by the storm waging around us. I waited for him to speak, tendrils of ivy growing up and up and reclaiming me for the forest, taking back everything humanity had stolen. I waited in a terrified silence, knowing that any attempt I could make at speaking would shatter me once and for all. I waited, and I would have been trembling if not for the warmth of his touch, always able to find me even on the coldest of days.

I waited but I didn't have to wait very long.

"Thomas." He repeated my name, and never before had the two syllables sounded so right on somebody's tongue. Never had they been treated with such care, such delicacy. Never had they been revered and worshipped the way Alexander did. I swallowed, my limbs heavy and my heart thundering against my ribcage. "Thomas, you make me happy."

I sucked in a deep breath, for those four words had managed to knock it all out of me.

He leaned forward, setting his forearm against the wall right next to my head, still holding my chin up with his light and nimble fingers. Alexander brought himself close to me, and for once, I did not mind. I wanted him closer, closer, closer until our hearts melted into one and the strings of our destinies fully intertwined. Mere centimeters of space existed between us, but it was too much, it was far too much. I felt his breath against my face, warm and sweet and smelling still like chocolate cake. Four little words escaped his mouth, four words I thought I'd never hear in my entire life. Four words that melted the ice in my heart and veins once and for all, after four long years of an unyielding winter.

"Can I kiss you?"

My breath caught in my throat as their gentle melody drifted over me, the realization slowly settling in, and for once, I think it was a welcome one. "Yes. Please."

A small smile flickered across his face, and before I knew what was happening, he closed the distance between us.

It happened immediately.

The world around me silently and peacefully fractured into a thousand tiny pieces. Slowly, the shards fell away, and there was nothing left in existence but me and Alexander and the colors he exuded, colors that wrapped around me and pulled me high into the air, untethering me from the ground. There was nothing left, and there didn't need to be. Nothing existed around us, but everything existed between us.

Colors bloomed to life like gorgeous flowers finally reveling in sunlight, fighting back the darkness.

The light pinks and whites of cherry blossoms swaying in a rich, blue sky. The deep indigos and navies and purples dotted with the twinkling iridescence of stars. The reds and oranges of a fire in the hearth crackling peacefully. Shades of colors I never thought I'd see again, all returning to me at once and painting my world in a way I had simply never seen.

Alexander was soft. He was warm. And he gave far more than he took. He pressed himself against me but kissed me slow and long and sweet, his lips curved into what was no doubt a blissful smile. He showed me something I had never had before; he kissed me simply because he could, not to establish some sense of control. He became the center of my world in mere seconds, the brightest star in a sea of flickering candlelights.

And after so long of falling aimlessly, the light he offered me shaped into two, glorious wings, and carried me to a new world. A new chance.

I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck, just as his found purchase around my waist. He pulled me closer and closer to him, holding on tightly as if I would drift away from him if he couldn't keep me close enough.

I lost myself to our shared rhythm, a tune only the two of us would ever know. I lost myself to the sweet melody of his heartbeat, pulsating through my body, matching mine. I lost myself to the song of the kiss, our kiss, so certain I would wake up and it would become a song of a dream.

I could have stayed right there, frozen in time, frozen in the gentle embrace of his arms wrapped around me. It felt so right, as if this is where I had belonged all this time. And for the longest moment, I couldn't figure out why in the world I hadn't noticed it before.

I could have sworn that we sat there in each other's arms for an eternity without a beginning or an end. I could have sworn that ivy and moss and white blossoms grew alongside our bodies, pulling us down and keeping us secret from the rest of the world. I could have sworn that this was how life had always been and how it would always be, but Alexander sighed and pulled away a second or two after he had leaned in, and the world came flooding back to me.

It was not the same world I had left mere moments ago.

I blinked, my face warm, and not just because of the warmth of his entire embrace. I brushed my fingertips against my lips lightly, afraid to splinter the feeling of his touch. "I—" I began, at an utter loss for words. "I—oh."

Alexander smiled. Then chuckled. Then before either of us realized what was happening, we were both laughing in the rawest, purest form of delight unadulterated by any evil that dared to rear its face. Alexander laughed and did not once let go of me, nor did I him. We laughed and there was no reason why we shouldn't, no reason why we should ever know any feeling besides joy.

When I finally managed to catch my breath, I still couldn't stop myself from beaming. "Wow," he said softly. "That was...you are amazing."

"Y-yeah?" I whispered, afraid of what I would say if I spoke any louder.

"Absolutely." He smiled up at me, paused to consider something, than asked again. And again, I kissed him, and again, he kissed me. And just like before, I lost myself to his warmth.

He let go of me a moment later, brushing the back of his fingers against his rose, still fixed in my hair. I'd never seen anybody smile at me before the way he did in the moment, soft and sweet and filled with an unparalleled desire. Alexander held my face, sighed softly in content, and slipped a few inches backwards.

I watched him, hiding my own smile behind my hand. "Umm, would you—would you like to, uh, lay with me?" I stumbled over the words as I lifted the blanket towards him. Grinning, Alexander took it from my fingers and slipped underneath it, sliding into bed next to me.

I blinked, dazed and caught completely off-guard by the dream-like haze that swept over me. I closed my eyes and I saw those same gorgeous colors, not vibrant and bright and burning like fireworks, but soft and gentle and blooming like flowers. Alexander ran his fingers down my body before settling them on my waist and letting out the deepest and most satisfied sigh. He pulled me closer, and I let him, taking in every last detail of his embrace as though it was and would forever be the only thing I will ever know.

"Got any plans for tomorrow?" he asked gently, the softest whisper because he didn't have to speak any louder. It was the same kind of question he had asked me a million times before, but it was different in the most fundamental ways. "Just violin lessons. And classes."

"Ugh. I hate school."

"You love school."

"No!" he protested, to which he won my laughter. His grin only widened at that, and he pulled me an inch or two closed.

I set my head against his chest, listening to the thrumming of his heartbeat. It was a gentle song, carrying me to sleep. I blinked, trying to keep my eyes open, but his arms were so warm and inviting and the outside world was so cold and there was nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with him.

One thought flashed through my mind, hardly coherent as a sudden sleepiness tugged at my mind.

It's all a dream. You'll wake up, and he'll be gone.

But if this was a dream, then I never wanted to wake up. If this was a dream, then it was the single best dream I've ever had. His touch was so palpable and his passion so solid that it didn't seem like my imagination could make any of this up. It seemed real, and what is realness anyway besides perceived emotions and altered truths?

"Goodnight, Thomas," I heard him whisper, followed by a gentle kiss against my forehead that left those butterflies tingling in my stomach.

I smiled with my eyes closed, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck. "Goodnight, Alexander," I managed out as sleep tugged me away from this reality. Why fight it?

So I gave in, letting it overcome me and falling victim to its incessant tugging. The world had finally, for once, become perfect and right and the way it always should have been. His heartbeat offered me the softest of lullabies and I accepted it wholeheartedly.

Three single words slipped through my mind just as I teetered out of consciousness, consumed by this feeling of pure and utter bliss. Three words that came from something deep inside of me, true no matter what anybody else in the world could claim. They were absolutes. They were real.

I'm yours, Alexander.