//TW: mentions of abuse, suicidal thoughts, swearing\\

Alexander

Across the sky, there blew a short, crisp breeze that smelled faintly of an oncoming spring storm combined with surmounting dread. I progressed along the campus lawn, my heart in my throat as I watched the hundreds of people milling about without a care in the world. I clutched the strap of my bag tighter to my chest, envious of the blind ease with which they led their lives. I let out a short breath and allowed the tension in my shoulders to disappear for a moment. They were happy, even if they were alone. If they were happy, there was no reason why I couldn't be happy. If they were living with all the freedom that encompasses life in college, there was no reason why I shouldn't do the same. I'm hardly an adult, I have my entire life in front of me, a life I never expected to survive long enough to see. I have every right to live the same way they do, free from the burdens I pile upon myself.

And yet, every morning when I wake up in that empty, cold bed, to be greeted by a room filled with his plants and the things he loved enough to cultivate in his short time with me, my world becomes dull and lifeless just as it was before I met him. Swaddled in his oversized sweatshirt, the lasting scent of his rose perfume just barely clinging to the over-worn fabric, and I remember exactly why I continue to hold onto this dreadful live and why I don't just let it go in favor for another one, a better one.

I'm holding up.

Just barely.

I'm clinging to the last threads of my humanity, tying them together with the rapidly fraying hopes that one day my Thomas will return to me, that one day I'll be able to smile and laugh and never have to worry about losing him once again, that one day Thomas and I can have the future I have always dreamed of without having to doubt that it'll ever come to fruition.

But for now, I am stuck within the confines of my apartment, separated from my starlight and the brightest, most glorious thing that has ever turned to look at me, ever smiled and graced my life with his perfect impermanence.

God, I fucking miss him. I miss him more than I've ever missed anything. I miss him more than the tide misses the moon enough to fight and pull and bend to its every desires solely for the hope that it will get to see it again.

I just want to have my Thomas again. I just want to hold him in my arms. I just want to press soft kisses to his neck. I just want to let him know that he's safe and loved.

It feels like torture.

Being apart from him feels like torture heaped upon torture, like having my head held underwater as I kick and writhe and cling to life. It is a nightmare, a constant, invasive nightmare.

And I know this makes me a terrible person, but there are times where I genuinely hate Thomas for what he's done. For leaving me with almost no explanation. Is it really just that James threatened to hurt us, or was he not happy with me?

I'm trying my best to be there for him. To support him and help him through all of this, but as time wares on, I'm losing that strength.

Sometimes the cords that I use to keep myself bound to him burn my fingers, peel away the skin. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep holding on, to keep fighting only for that inevitable snap of the breaking tethers ring through my ears. The strain becomes too much, my body too weak to withstand such an exertion. Sometimes I fear I am inches away from caving in and releasing him back into the shadows I had pulled him from. They will reclaim him, and I will watch as they drag him back into the darkness for good.

There are times where I just want to let go of him.

I tried to suppress these thoughts as I made my way back to my dorm, the warm sun beating down on me. There was a soft breeze, and it was relatively cloudy. A perfect day for sitting outside. And that's what a lot of people were doing. Sitting outside, getting ready for finals. Including, of course, Thomas and James.

I swear, it's almost like we're in a book or something with the amount or times I run into them coincidentally.

They were sitting in the grass, their faces bathed orange by the setting sun. The sounds of their voices carried over to me even if their words were too distant to make anything out. I watched for a moment, unsure of what I was waiting for, but I was certainly waiting for something. My stomach sank with every passing moment I stood there, staring at the two who looked as if they were a couple from a painting, forever immortalized in a false pretense of normalcy that forced me to wonder if I had made everything up, if I had lied to myself and conjured the past few months into existence with my own feeble imagination.

Thomas was smiling. Whether it was for the bird perched on his shoulder or for James or for the entire bitter irony of the situation, I'll never know. But staring at the smile that crossed his face, my soul felt a bit lighter, even with the envy that surged through my veins as James returned the smile, like he had any right to.

I smiled to myself despite the tears that filled my eyes without any reason. I loved to see him happy. Regardless of if I was the reason or not. I watched for a moment longer, my heart sinking as the seconds dragged on. I could have turned to leave at any time; I could have chosen to drown this memory in alcohol and late nights, but something pulled at my heart, pulled at my better sense of judgement, and made me watch the two of them as they pretended to be a happy, normal couple.

I was contemplating walking away when Thomas's gaze drifted upwards and met mine. He beamed and waved me over. James followed his gaze and then preceded to look pissed.

Good.

I returned his wave and, albeit extremely unsure of myself, crossed over to where the two of them were sitting. If Thomas's smile had been fabricated before, a trick of the light, there was no doubt that it was absolutely real now. Just as amazing and ethereal as I had dreamed it when my mind wanders off in the comfort of the sunlight. I grinned in return, that small ball of relief growing in my stomach and my heart.

As I approached, I managed to catch the last words James spoke in that hurried undertone, words that sent shivers down my back, words that made me hate him all the more. "We'll talk about this later," he hissed to Thomas, who folded in on himself and hugged his body as his last remaining defense. His gaze fell, just as his smile did. Thomas bowed his head, and it was as crushing as all stars flickering out of existence at once, plunging the world into darkness.

"Hello, Alexander," James said with a seemingly pleasant smile. It was innocent enough on its own, but disastrous when accompanied with all that I had heard he had done, all that I knew he was capable of. All that I had witnessed with my own two fucking eyes. They were either failing me then or they were failing me now, and I for one am not willing to take that risk.

"Hi," Thomas said with a quick, apologetic nod, before his eyes returned to the sea of emerald grass in front of him once more. The blades of grass danced and bowed to the wind, subject to its temperamental desires. Reminds me of someone else I know.

My voice sounded choked. Like it wasn't my own. But I managed the words out anyway, the affection that filled them so painfully obvious that I winced even to myself. "Hey, Thomas. How are you doing?" I asked, grateful just to hear his voice, his actual voice, and know that all hope was not yet lost.

"I'm alright," he responded, hugging his arm. "How are you?"

I shrugged. "Alive."

"And that's all that matters," Thomas returned, finally allowing a soft smile to poke through, like starlight working its way through that ever-present layer of clouds.

James looked a mixture of extremely uncomfortable and extremely pissed off. I bit down on my tongue, holding back the thousands of indignant things I had to say to him, solely for Thomas's sake, if nothing else.

Thomas glanced up at me, his smile growing. "Oh! So can I tell you about my grand master plan?"

"Sure," I said.

"So I wanna make a voodoo doll of myself and throw it off a cliff into shark infested waters," he said, grinning. "Can I?"

"Why?!" I exclaimed, the grin crashing from my face.

"Uhh... so I can die? Why else?"

"Mood," James commented.

"That's a terrible idea!"

"I'm not hearing a no."

"Absolutely not!"

Thomas couldn't hide his laugh, a joyous noise that echoed through the rich air as evening rapidly approached. His smile was radiant, far exceeding the moon that had begun to consume the sky as it climbed up and up.

"So, what are you up to?" I asked, continuing to ignore James. Who the fuck cares if it made me childish? I absolutely refused to allow him to take the few moments I got with Thomas away from me.

"We're just studying for the history exam," James interjected. "We're sorry for bothering you. I know how busy you can be."

"Would you like to join us?" Thomas asked after a moment's hesitation.

"I—" James began.

"I would love to."

"Why don't you sit down?" He patted the ground beside him, an invitation I could not refuse. His eyes glimmered with hope, with unrestricted affection. My heart melted, my lungs constricted, the flock of butterflies swarmed and fluttered in my stomach. How could I say no to that? To him?

I couldn't. I wasn't going to.

"I'm not so sure that's— oh forget it," James said with a sigh.

I sat down next to him so our arms just barely brushed together, the closest I could get to touching him without James threatening to hurt Thomas with that all-telling gaze. I looked down at Dick, who was hopping around through the grass, inspecting the world with both curiosity and a precious sort of reverence that reminded me a lot of the bird's owner. "Aren't you afraid he's gonna fly away?"

Thomas glanced down at the bird, carefully reaching out to run his fingers through Dick's feathers. That particular little smile of his tugged at his face as he considered the creature he had poured so much time and love into. He looked so pretty, right then and there. And nothing could take that away. Well, almost nothing, I suppose.

For a flash of a moment, the setting sun hit a particular spot that illuminated the dip of his neck, and my stomach clenched at the horrific sight of those purple and blue and green bruises that burst across his skin. Barely visible above the loose gray sweater that hung over his body, the images that they conjured pricked at me like the sharpest of thorns attached to the prettiest of roses.

Thomas shifted, concealing the bruises and lifted Dick so that the delicate creature was pressed against his chest. When he spoke next, he did so carefully, extremely cautious with every word that he breathed into the night breeze as it slowly became  colder and colder. He treated them as if he only had a limited amount, and to waste them was a crime.

"One, his wing isn't quite healed yet, so he can't. But two, if Dick isn't happy being a pet, I'm not going to make him stay with me. He's a wild bird, and he deserves to be able to choose whether he wants to be free or not. I want him to be happy, and if he's unhappy with me, I'm not going to force him to stay. But if he does... well that would be great! Dick is a wild bird, and once his wing gets better, he should be allowed to leave if he wants to."

"Wouldn't it hurt?" James asked. "To have him leave you, I mean?"

Thomas paused, his shoulders slumping. He opened his mouth, closed it again, glanced to me for guidance. Oh, if only I could reach out, if only I could offer him the strength he needed. But I didn't yet have that strength either, and he needed far more than I could afford to give. So, I let my hand snake through the grass to find his, squeezing softly. A smile flickered across his face as Thomas glanced back at James.

"Well, yeah. Actually, it would hurt a lot. It would hurt to love him and take care of him, only to have him fly away. But if Dick isn't happy with me, he shouldn't be forced to stay in a place he doesn't want to. Does that make sense? No? Probably not."

James watched for a moment longer, something indecipherable passing through his gaze. A pause, then he shrugged, dismissing the conversation with a wave of his hand. And carried by the breeze that drifted across the campus lawn, Thomas's words fled, finding an inescapable death that pulled them down into utter obscurity. I watched Thomas as his face fell, body caving in on itself. He clutched his arms, as if they hurt him, and a steady silence fell upon the three of us.

My heart ached. My skin craved the familiarity of his touch, regardless of who may peer in on us. If I was any braver, any more confident with myself, I would have taken Thomas by the hand right then and pulled him far away from James and his tyrannical grip. I would have rescued him just like in all the perfect little fairytales, and I would have returned him to the world that had bloomed with his presence. I would have saved him, if I wasn't such a fucking coward.

I edged closer to Thomas, regardless of the watching James, and a small smile passed across his bowed face.

"Why do you have his cage out here?" I asked, nodding to the silver bird cage that was laying in the grass next to him.

"Oh, right. I want you to have him."

"You want me to—what!?"

"Thomas, are you sure?" James asked, looking alarmed.

"Yes. I am. Please, Alexander? The last thing I need is someone else getting hurt because of me."

I understood exactly what he meant, and I saw James's expression soften as he glanced away.

Like the expression of a guilty man, unable to face his own conscience. Like the expression of a criminal faced with his impending doom, a swift death hanging over the gallows. But still he looked away, refusing to meet either of our gazes. As if he had any right to sit there and pretend he wasn't as horrible as he truly was, as if he had any right to make the last few months disappear.

I tightened my grip on Thomas's hand, daring the monster sitting across from us to speak. How dare he have the fucking balls to look guilty for all he has done when it had been his hand that struck the blow in the first place?

I placed my body in between Thomas and James, just slightly, and silently repeated the promises I had made him all those months ago. Even if they were as vague as memories, unsustainable in the crippling glow of the sunset, just having them whisper through my mind was enough to remind me of all the things I had forgotten. Thomas's hand drifted across the grass until it found mine. Silently grateful, his fingers curled against my own, and it was impossible not to stifle my breath of relief.

"Thomas..." I breathed after a moment, turning my attention back to him. "Are you sure you wanna do this?" Part of me feared what would happen should he give up his bird, the one thing he had continued to fight for. Part of me agonized over the little images, the violent, blood-soaked prophecies of what could occur should he turn his back on the last flickering lights that had guided his journey through a hall of shadows.

"Promise you'll take care of him?"

"Well I—"

"That you'll help him?"

"I'll—"

"That you'll keep him safe?"

I sighed. "I promise."

Satisfied, Thomas glanced down at his bird once more. Something new flickered through his fading smile, a certain emotion I hadn't felt for myself in God knows how long. He looked so lost, sitting there. So lost and so simultaneously found. Thomas drifted a bit closer to me, our bodies almost touching, close enough for the scent of his perfume to attach itself to my body and my soul.

God, I wanted him. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything. I wanted to tear the world apart to get to him, to destroy every last wall and building and person that stood blocking our paths. I wanted to send this entire fucking city up in smoke and peel back the layers of the sky until the stars were laid bare, until there was nothing but their endless light and Thomas and I and his glorious bird with its precious, broken wing. The longing that filled my heart, burning and suffocating even though he was sitting close enough to touch, was so fucking unbearable. My hands wanted to tear my heart out, just so I never had to felt this pain, just so I never had to witness this vulnerability ever again.

"Alexander?" Thomas whispered, his voice dropped low enough so it existed only for us. James crossed his arms and looked elsewhere, a temporary—if not begrudging—allowance of something he never could have prevented to begin with.

"Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"Of course not," I returned in as soft a whisper, but withheld all I wanted to say. Thomas softened, his fingers squeezing mine, but said nothing else.

"Well, I've left instructions and stuff in his cage. Thank you so much for doing this for me. I hope he brings you as much light as he does me." A pause, a faltering attempt at humor to lighten the mood by a fraction. "I hope it's a much better gift than a sketchbook, at least."

"A what?"

Thomas opened his mouth to speak but James cut him off.

"Can we get back to studying? Please?" James asked.

"Yeah! Right," Thomas said. "Go ahead." He glanced at me. "Wanna stay with us? Just for a bit longer?" He smiled, nudged me with his shoulder. I couldn't withhold my laugh at the look he offered me. "You know I need help! We can't all be as smart as you two, you know."

"You're smart, Thomas, I—"

"Are you staying or not?" James snapped, obviously unhappy with the way the night was going so far. I swallowed down the thick layer of resentment that sat in my mouth like bile, plastering on what I hoped was a passing smile. Despite everything I had ever fought for, everything I had ever told myself, part of me still fucking feared him and all he was capable of. Part of me still woke up in a sweat, the image of the gun directed at Thomas fresh in my mind. Part of me despised everything James was but knew simultaneously that unless I wanted to see my Thomas hurt, there was nothing I could do about it but engage in his endless games.

"I'll stay."

Thomas did not even try to hide his smile. He shifted, his body leaning against mine. My fingers longed to wrap around his body and I imagined what it would taste like to kiss him again, especially after so long. Would he still taste as sweet as fruit, would his lips be just as soft and smooth as I remember them? All the things I wanted to do, all the things that I could hardly keep myself from, and they were little more than insipid daydreams that frustrated me so much I wanted to cry.

God, my imagination was certainly not winning me any favors tonight.

"Okay," James said, returning his attention to Thomas. He thought for a moment before speaking. "Explain the Battle of Saratoga."

Thomas's eyes lit up. "Okay! So it was a battle in the American revolution and the colonists won against the British. So then, France and Spain were like 'Hey, the colonists are pretty cool. We should help!' And then they did! France had guns and ships and beat up the British while Spain had money and beat up the British in the South. Nobody really liked the British at that point. It was pretty cool."

I stared at him.

"S-sorry," he said after a moment with a small laugh, tucking his arms against his body. "I'm sorry. I got excited, but I—"

"No! Please, don't apologize!" I exclaimed, unable to keep the laughter out of my voice as I placed my hand on his arm, relishing in that small glance he gave me.

It was not electricity, they were not supernovas. No, what lingered between us was far more soft spoken and simple, just as bright and beautiful and lasting, but in a different vein. Perhaps like fireflies, constantly flickering in the fading night sky. Small, but their size did not diminish their importance nor their elegance. They were our spark, our love, carried  by translucent wings, and they did not need to be catastrophic or dangerous to be any more real.

Watching Thomas laugh, his easily won smile as he stared at me, and I longed to capture those fireflies in a glass jar and keep them safe forever, refusing to ever let them go.

It's so unfair. Everything I want is right fucking here. He's the person I've dreamed of before I even knew what it meant to dream. He's the person that completes my half-broken heart. He's my everything in every way imaginable. I love him. I love him I love him I love him, and that is perhaps fate's cruelest trick. Making me love him than tearing him away.

"I get excited when I remember things," Thomas said with a small, apologetic shrug, but the light in his eyes did not once die. It continued to gleam, just as beautifully as he did.

You're adorable, I wanted to say. For obvious reasons, I did not. It's fine. I'll tell him later, in the safety of our separate rooms over text. It cannot be controlled, guarded, but I cannot see his smile. I cannot see his face, I cannot hear his laughter, and I have to suffer on knowing that we belong to two separate worlds. Texting is the best we can afford, but it is nothing compared to the real thing, which I crave more than anything.

"Studying with Thomas is a treat," James said. "It's always a thrilling adventure."

"Do you think we'll have states and capitals? 'Cause if we do, I actually will die," Thomas whined.

"You should be able to remember Missouri and Wisconsin though," said James. Thomas grinned at that comment. I'm gonna assume it's an inside joke. "Alright, Thomas, next question."

"Oh, yeah. I'm here too," I said.

James glared at me, but when Thomas looked over at him, he repented and sighed. "Fine. Either of you can answer it. Next question."

James

We studied until the sun was starting to sink in the sky, which had obtained a light pink glow. I watched Thomas with interest as he and Alexander answered each and every one of my questions. I watched the adorable facial expressions he made whenever he got one right, the way he pondered over the questions I had, the look he had in his eyes whenever he glanced over at Alexander and his Di— bird, bird!

My heart melted more and more as the hours passed by.

I was way too hard on him yesterday. I mean, I was being fair, but I shouldn't have hurt him.

I'm just glad he's happy now.

God, I have to make this boy my husband.

~•~

Please please please tell me someone gets the Wisconsin and Missouri thing.