//TW: swearing, self-harm, suicidal thoughts\\

Suicide prevention hotline: 800-273-8255

Remember guys you are loved and cared about and the world would be a whole lot emptier without you in it. I love each and everyone of you, and if you ever need somebody to talk to, i'm always here.

Thomas

The lights of the city twinkled in the water below like a swath of bright, neon stars looking down on me. Stars that hummed with the steady progress of the future. Stars that had become cruel, unforgiving, invasive. Blinding yellow stars serving only to remind me just how alone I was, peering through me and laughing at the broken shell, the empty corpse, that they found in place of what had once been glorious.

The wind ruffled through my hair, the biting chill pricking into my face and digging past the single layer of clothes I wore. But a numbness seeped through me, leaving nothing in its wake. No trace of pain. And for once, I couldn't have been more grateful to just not feel.

Behind me, cars whizzed past, unbothered by the boy sitting right on the edge of the bridge, caught in a complicated dance that risked life and threatened death. It would have been so easy to just tip over the side, to fall. I wondered if it would feel like flying, however brief. The cars didn't stop and I didn't care, grateful that strangers didn't have to see me cry. Pity was the single most humiliating thing in the world and I didn't think I could afford to let just another thing feed the fires raging inside of me, licking up all they could.

It was too much. It was always too much.

The bridge was tall enough for me to die upon hitting the water. There would be no struggling with the current, no sudden change of heart as the river dragged me under its depth. There would be no explaining this to anybody else afterwards. If I plunged forwards I would cease to exist and that would be it. The world would be better off, missing a piece that didn't quite fit.

My fingers gripped the sides of the bridge tighter, and that cowardly worm deep inside of me begged me to scoot a little further away.

Just a few more inches backwards. Please.

Night had fully taken over a sky that had been streaked with purples and pinks when I had left Alexander, almost three hours prior. But even in the night, the city never slept. There was no relief. There was no privacy. The rest of the world was free to pry in on what could very well be my final moments. The lights kept up with their advances, constantly creeping in.

I didn't cry.

Although the memory of those tears still clung to my face, their paths fresh and unforgotten, I didn't cry. I don't think I was capable of it, in the moment. All there was was me and the river below and cold, hard truths. No feelings. No pain. Nothing.

Alexander's voice never left my head, which was undoubtedly the cruelest joke of the entire night. I could still feel his warmth against my cheeks, his fingers gently caressing my face as he attempted to fix something that could simply not be fixed.

I stared down at my lap, watching the way my legs dangled over the side into free, empty air.

I did not blame Alexander.

Nobody would. He acted as anybody would act. He was human. Humans make mistakes.

I let out a sigh, my breath swirling up into the cold air and eventually fading, becoming nothing more than a ghost. A laugh rocked the insides of my chest but I could not bring it to my lips, as much as I really wanted to. Only half of me registered that I was shaking, whether from the incessant chill or from the ceaseless voices daring me to move those five inches further, to feel the world open up beneath me and to finally learn what it feels like to fly. That must be the best way to leave this world. To experience that last freedom you cannot obtain through any other means.

It would be easy, whispered the loudest voice. And nobody would miss you.

I nodded to myself, the cars continuing to zoom right by, leaving behind a trail of carbon and gas in their paths. The sharp winds they created as they fled into the night almost rocketed me forwards, buffeting against my back, as if they agreed that it would be better it I left.

Nothing will change.

The stars were invisible when I glanced up, choked out by the overpowering glare of the city lights that tried their best but could never fully emulate the true beauty that existed millions of miles away from us, a gift granted by pure chance and the randomness of the universe. Even the stars refused to watch me, only reaffirming how alone I actually was.

There is nothing left for you here.

My fingers released the beams on their own, and a renewed sense of instability made them tingle. I was inches away. Seconds away. Everything would be over, better, if I could just swallow down that last fear once and for all and end my life the way I was always meant to.

Alexander does not want you.

And that's what did it. That's the battering ram the tears used to break free of the walls I had constructed to keep them locked in. They flowed freely even though sorrow and despair were emotions now foreign to me, two abstracts I was unable to grasp. They burned as they pooled down the side of my cheeks, leaving their marks forever engrained on my skin.

I didn't want sadness to be the last thing I had in this world. So instead, I thought of all the things Alexander had shown me before, when I had still been worthy of him and his fondness. I thought of the life he had given me for a little under two weeks and managed a small smile. I thought of his smile, of his embrace, of his beautiful eyes.

I let out a breath, forcing my shoulders to relax, and moved forwards.

But I couldn't do it.

I couldn't bring myself.

The sobs finally caught up with the tears and they wrenched themselves out of my mouth, albeit as quietly as I could make them. I fled from the edge, curling my knees up to my chest, cursing myself for not being brave enough. For not being selfless enough. For not being good enough to finally rid the world of the burden I had become once and for all.

I don't know how long I sat there, unable to pluck myself together, stand up, and find a new place to take refuge. The truth was I had nowhere to go and hardly any money to afford a night's stay anywhere. I was lost, abandoned. Truly alone for the first time in God knows how long. Once again, I didn't have Alexander. Once again, nobody was here for me.

Some strange part of me suddenly wished I had my mother.

I sobbed and I sat there for what seemed like hours, wishing for an escape. Wishing for somebody to come and just take me away for good, so I didn't have to hurt Alexander or James or anybody else.

I just didn't have the strength to continue.

I don't know where he came from. I didn't hear him approach, I didn't hear him calling my name. I didn't realize he was there until two arms flung tightly around my chest, pulling me backwards and keeping me steady. A gasp coaxed its way to my throat but died on my lips as a familiar voice hissed in my ear, ridden with fear and marked by so much desperation that could only be instinctual, for nobody would ever willingly show that much vulnerability.

"Tu ne peux pas partir!" he forced out, somehow. You can't leave.

The words stuck with me, reverberating through my head. I had heard them a thousand times before but never in this light. Never like this.

Lafayette spun me around, refusing to let go or even slacken his grip. He held onto me and made good on his promise, and perhaps that was enough.

"Thomas, what were you thinking?" he begged. I couldn't speak. I couldn't answer. He cupped my face in his hands and winced. "God, you're so cold," he whispered, the anger retreating from his voice. His eyes softened. "Come on. We have to get you inside."

I wormed out of his grasp, bringing my hands up to my eyes to brush away the tears. Warmth pooled in my face despite the pervasive chill, fueled only by the embarrassment that he had to see me like this. I tried half-heartedly to mumble an apology but the words never truly formed. They died as an amalgamation on my lips, but Lafayette didn't seem to mind. He watched me for a single moment longer before wrapping his hand firmly around my wrist and dragging me away from the edge of the bridge, down the sidewalk until we managed to put it behind us entirely.

Two voices echoed above the car horns and the other general ambiances of the city even at such late hours. "Thomas! Oh, thank God!"

"You found him?"

Hercules and John appeared out of the crowd, racing towards Lafayette and I the second they saw us. I tried to step backwards but Lafayette cast me the softest of reassuring looks and I forced down the set of silent protests, letting them almost-embrace me, letting them grab my arm and pull me closer to them as if that could save me.

"What happened?" Hercules demanded, his eyes wide and wild as he glanced between me and Lafayette. "Oh, God, what happened to your face?"

I lifted a hand involuntarily, as if that could conceal the marks James had left in his mission to conquer. How terrible my night must be going for that to be something I had almost forgotten about, yeah?

"Alexander's worried sick about you!" John said, less forgiving. I couldn't bring myself to respond to him. I didn't even want to think about any of it anymore. I wanted to disappear and finally leave this world behind for good. There was nothing good about it.

"We need to get inside," Lafayette said harshly. "Before Thomas freezes to death." He added a bit of humor to this last fragment but it so sorely missed the mark that it wasn't even worth faking a laugh. He immediately frowned, his shoulders falling in self-doubt. But regardless, the three of them ushered me down the street until I found myself inside their apartment a few minutes later.

I stared around the room, which looked so different in the darkness. Gone were the Christmas decorations, items from a completely different reality. Gone was the light, the hope. Now I had nothing but this sullen emptiness spreading through my chest, consuming all that sat in its path.

Lafayette never once let go of my hand until I was seated on his couch, my legs tucked up underneath my body. His grip had been firm but gentle, certainly not strong enough to inflict any more bruises, and I couldn't have been more thankful. Part of me almost swelled up with tears yet again but the other, more frigid, half of me refused to let them show.

"What do you want to eat?" Hercules asked, offering me a blanket. It was warm and fuzzy, the kind of material that you never wanted to rouse yourself out of the second you had fallen into it. I accepted it gratefully, swaddling it around my body until I finally stopped shivering. "I'm afraid we don't have that much."

In response to his question, I shook my head.

"You have to eat something, Thomas," Lafayette returned sharply. His face softened a second later. "I have some chocolate, if you want some."

"What!" John exclaimed in mock-surprise intended to make me feel better. It almost worked. I smiled, though, so I suppose that was something. "You have chocolate and you didn't tell me?"

"I knew if I told either of you...cretins...I'd never see it again."

I managed a small semi-laugh, more for their sake than mine.

"I'll get you some," Lafayette said, retreating to his bedroom. "Hercules, why don't you get him some coffee or something?"

"Do you want coffee," Hercules began, glancing over at me. "Or do you want booze?"

"Get him coffee and don't be an ass," reprimanded John.

"Sheesh. I was just asking," he grumbled as he made for the kitchen, shooting me a small smile as he went.

And that left me and John.

"So, uh, are you feeling alright?"

I shrugged.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head.

"Oh."

I caved in on myself, mouth opening and closing as the seeds of an apology sprouted to my tongue. But no matter how I looked at it, it just wasn't good enough. It would never be good enough.

"Hey," John said, as if able to pick up on my distress. "Really. It's alright. Nobody's mad at you, Thomas. You don't have to apologize for anything." He nudged me lightly with his shoulder and I managed to nod, staring at the folds of the blanket.

"Oh!" he exclaimed after a minute, pointing with excitement. "Look who's coming to say hi!"

I blinked, glancing up. A smile wormed its way to my face as I recognized the swath of glossy black fur leaping up onto the couch, sniffing the blanket. I reached forwards, sliding my fingers across her tiny forehead. She didn't flinch. She didn't back away. She embraced everything I had to give her and gave just as much back and there was nothing more I could ask for. With John's gentle urging, I scooped the cat up into my arms and set her down on my lap. Her body rumbled in a soft, reassuring purr as I scratched the spot underneath her ears.

"I might steal your cat," I said, quietly, in a tone that was barely heard over the rumble of the coffee-maker in the kitchenette.

John laughed. "Yeah, try. I dare you."

I shifted, edging away from him before I got too close and freaked him out. The need for physical affection, as foreign as a concept it was to me, was always a constant desire muttering in the back of my mind. I needed arms wrapped around me. I needed to feel the tenderness of somebody else holding me, hugging me, promising me a shelter from the world. But that would have been inappropriate and wrong so I didn't dare indulge myself.

Lafayette soon returned, offering me a chocolate bar. If he would have let me refuse, I would have, but he didn't, so I ate half of it without further complaints. Hercules brought me a warm cup of coffee a few seconds later, allowing those subtle hints of warmth to pool in my stomach. It was nothing compared to those that I felt simply by being comforted by these three amazing people who, a week or two before, were hardly more than strangers. And now, here I was, engulfed in those gentle flames. Perhaps there were worse places to be, like at the bottom of the impossibly cold Hudson with all the air permanently ripped out of my lungs.

The cold of the night slowly began to drain away.

"Did James do this to you?" Lafayette asked, but he already knew the answer. He held my arm protectively, as if that would shield away all evil. I almost let myself indulge in his touch, in his open affection, but managed to convince myself not to. "I'm going to fucking tear his head off," he hissed out, slightly frightening. I shifted sway and he mumbled an apology, pulling me back close. "What did he do to you?"

I shrugged.

"Did Alexander do this?" John murmured after a moment, as if the mere thought would shake the ground underneath us. "I swear to God, Thomas, if he touched you, I'm going to kill him."

Once more, I shrugged, my face heating with embarrassment and shame. This isn't how they should have to be spending their night. I shouldn't be allowed to turn them against their friend so easily. They should not be on my side.

You deserve to hurt. You do not deserve their comfort.

Lafayette's gaze sharpened at the mere thought of Alexander hurting me. "He didn't." When I didn't respond, the Frenchman let out a short, stiff breath. He pulled me a fraction of an inch closer. "What did he do to you?" he demanded, his voice dangerously low.

I fumbled for a response, realizing just how pathetic I truly was. I wanted the ground underneath me to cave and send me hurtling thousands of feet down into the ground. I wanted to crumble into dust and ash. I wanted to be blown away by the wind. As long as I didn't have to sit here, seconds away from betraying the first person who had seen something human inside of me in years, I would be happy. I was taking everything he had given me and walking all over it.

"If he hurt you, you have to tell us," Hercules said, far more relaxed compared to John and Lafayette who seemed as if they were seconds away from bringing the entire world to their feet and making it beg for mercy. Hercules set his hand on my shoulder, a reaffirmation that I was here.

"Thomas, what did he do to you?"

I shook my head, glancing elsewhere. When I finally managed to speak, my voice scraped along the back of my throat, hoarse and unfulfilled. The words pulled something out of me, something I depended upon. They left me weak, shaking, utterly exhausted. They were so much and I was so little. "It was all my fault. I'm sorry." I pushed myself away from Lafayette's arms, which had slowly began to grip me tighter, seconds away from encircling around my body. Setting the cat aside despite her mewed protests, I forced myself to my feet and stumbled away from the three of them. "I'm so sorry. I should go. I—"

Lafayette reached for my hand as I retreated, and I didn't dare try to worm my way out. "Thomas. Please. Stay with us. I don't want you wandering the streets in the dark, and I definitely don't want you going back to Alexander."

"But Alexander—"

"Alexander can wait until morning," Lafayette said, firmly but not unkindly. He let go of my hand and patted the empty space next to him. "All of this can wait until morning. You really should try and get some sleep."

I shifted my weight from foot to foot, staring at the open spot he was offering me, knowing how much I craved it while knowing how much I simply didn't deserve it. I'd give anything to feel some sort of love again, some sort of affection. And he was handing it to me, waiting for me to take it.

I returned to the couch and Lafayette wrapped an arm around me, pulling me a bit tighter than before. It was almost a hug.

"Are you ready to talk to him, yet?" John asked softly. "He's been trying to call me. I think he's really panicking."

I gazed at the ground, wishing that for once, those stupid words could just manage to work the way they had been intended.

"Tomorrow morning, then," he said when I had been silent for too long. "It's late, anyway. I'll tell him that we found you and you're staying the night with us." A pause. "Nothing else."

I dipped my head in gratitude and he cast me a smile as he retreated for his bedroom.

"Do you want to sleep in my room?" Hercules offered. "I'll take the couch."

I shook my head, hands tightening until little ribbons of pain shot through my palm as my fingernails broke through skin. Lafayette noticed, frowned, and drew my hands closer towards him. And if by second nature rather than second thought, he pushed my sleeves back and let out a soft sigh of relief at what he found.

"It's no problem, really," Hercules said, a coy smile running across his face as he glanced at John. "I like sleeping on the couch. Get to annoy the shit outta John. So that's a plus."

"Everything you do is to annoy the shit out of me," John called from the other room.

"It's my one purpose in life."

"That's incredibly sad."

"You're incredibly sad."

"I know but hey."

"Why does it bother you so much, anyway, huh?"

"As much as I like seeing you shirtless, it's not exactly how I want to start my day!" John exclaimed from the other room, voice shrill. He paused for a long moment, and Hercules grinned so wide. "Okay, that's not—I don't—what."

"Can you give us a moment, please?" Lafayette asked softly after a moment of a spluttering, incomprehensible John.

"Sure thing. See you in the morning, Thomas." Hercules rose to his feet, marching off in the direction John had disappeared to, no doubt to finish pestering him. I watched him as he left, then glanced back at my hands, which Lafayette still held firmly.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, hardly loud enough to hear over the rapid beating of my heart. It was strange how fragile it was. What would it take for it to finally stop?

"Please don't apologize." He sighed. "I don't know what Alexander said to you, but whatever it was, he was wrong."

I nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Slowly, unsteadily, and very shakily, I managed to tell him everything. It hurt. It ached. But I forced myself through and I didn't let myself stop until it was completely over. I explained it all in short, uneasy bursts because any larger than that and I would have fallen apart completely. Sobs pulled at my heart but somehow, I managed to hold them back long enough to get my already incoherent, pathetic words out. When I was finished, Lafayette said nothing at first. He watched me carefully, then pulled me close to him. So close I could feel his warm breath against my neck. So close I could feel his pulse, somehow quicker than mine.

"I love you, Thomas. You are one of my closest friends, okay? You always have been. I don't know what I would do if I lost you, so please, don't leave me. Don't leave us. You are not a burden."

I set my head against his chest, letting out a breath. "I love you too."

~•~

Darkness pressed in on my vision, a darkness that should have been relatively easy to embrace and lose myself to, but sleep, and its blissful touch, just never came. I stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling as the voices in my head morphed and changed and became both distorted monsters and fallen angels. I stared and I waited for a dream to bring me away from this horrible night but it never came.

I tried not to think about anything. But somehow, my thoughts always ended up on those two boys I could never seem to shake, two boys I could never forget or move on from no matter how hard I tried. All I wanted was peace but there was none to be found, so I laid there alone with my thoughts, too devoid of emotion to even cry.

All I wanted was Alexander.

I wanted his warmth pouring through me. I wanted his smile. I wanted his sunshine. I wanted him to hold my hand and tell me everything would be alright, the most genuinely good thing in this world. I wanted his gentleness and his firm desire to protect me from anybody who dared to get too close with their razor-sharp words. I wanted his vulnerability and his softness and every freedom he offered me. I wanted Alexander but Alexander did not want me and the thought almost drove me insane.

I don't think I've ever craved somebody as much as I did him.

As I laid there, tossing and turning, he filled every thought. Every smile, every skipped heartbeat, every sudden burst of self-hatred, all because of him. He was moonbeams and starlight, a rainbow and a storm. He was the anchor I had depended on and the only world I found a home in, and now he was gone. Would he ever forgive me? Would he ever take me back, look at me with that same uncorrupted happiness in his eyes? Or was I forever ruined for him?

This was somehow the worst night of my entire life.

What is he doing to me?

I turned on my side, reaching out into the darkness until my fingers brushed against the rough cloth of the curtains. I pulled them aside, revealing the city in all of its usual nocturnal glory. My heart skipped a beat as I wondered where Alexander was right now. I hoped wherever he was, he was safe and happy.

It was pathetic, really, how dependent I was on him.

Free him of the burden you've become.

I forced myself to recite Lafayette's words from earlier until the darkest though disappeared.

I reached for my phone, which had been flashing with the notifications of text messages practically the entire night. The screen glared at me but I squinted through it, scrolling through the messages and trying to keep that little pinprick of sorrow to a minimum. It made me realize just how wonderfully lucky I was to be in the spot I am, with the people who have sudden offered me their protection and devotion while expecting nothing in return. I read through the entire conversation, heart beating frantically in my chest, and sent my own response. I set my phone back down after deliberating whether I should bother Alexander, and eventually thought better of it.

But it was already so late and he was probably sleeping. It didn't matter how much I needed him to say something to me, to hear his voice through his texts. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and promise that everything would be alright, even if I knew it couldn't.

I wanted him.

I closed my eyes and tried to find the elusive state of sleep, but it never came. There were too many thoughts on my mind, weighing me down, shielding me from the abstract ideals of dreams.

So I laid there in bed, trying to distract myself with some fantasy-esque daydream leading me down twists and turns in a maze I was actually happy to get lost in. I don't remember exactly where my thoughts took me. I didn't mind.

But they ended abruptly as the door creaked open, light seeping in.

I froze, my fingers clutched tightly around the blanket as my heart leaped into my throat. I bit down on my tongue to keep myself from saying anything, and listened. There was a pause, then footsteps sounded through the room, making their way over to me.

"Hey."

The voice put me at ease. It could have been so much worse.

"It's okay. I know you're not sleeping," John said softly, sitting himself down on the foot of Hercules's bed.

I lifted my head slowly, watching him as he shifted. "Is everything alright?" I asked, noting the look on his face with a burst of concern. "John?"

"I'm sorry. I just, umm, I came to apologize."

"Apologize? For what?"

"It's—" He sighed, his shoulders slumping. I sat up, the blankets falling off of me, and reached for him, letting my hand brush against his arm. "It's all my fault."

"You can't blame your—"

"I gave him the key."

"O-oh."

John sighed, shifted, ran his fingers through his hair. His mouth opened and closed hundreds of times before he finally managed to materialize the words. "I was—I—Thomas, I swear to God, I'm so fucking sorry. It was such a stupid mistake. Such a terrible lapse in judgement. I—there's no excuse."

"What—what happened?"

John hugged his arms, lowering his head. "I was drunk. Alexander and I had been out together and he left early to check on you and I...I fucking hate myself for it but I was just so angry at you." He spoke fast, as if he was running across burning coals and the easiest way across was just to get through it. "And I don't know when he showed up or how long he was talking to me or whatever, but I just—the things he was saying, just..."

He sighed, looking up at me. His eyes gleamed even in the darkness as his voice wavered. "He promised me that he could make everything better. He pr-promised that if I just did what he asked me to do, he could make everything go back to the way it was before. I made him swear he wouldn't hurt you or anybody else and he said he wouldn't but obviously he fucking did—Thomas I'm so sorry."

"Breathe," I reminded him.

"There's no excuse. You have every right to be mad at me. I betrayed your trust, and I'm the reason you're hurt. But the things he was saying just sounded so...good. Like I could finally have my friend back. I'm selfish, okay? I get it. I just...it was such a stupid fucking mistake. I'm so selfish and stupid and I...I..."

"John," I said, my voice still with patience. "John, it's okay."

"How is it okay?"

"You aren't the first person to have fallen for his lies. You won't be the last."

He was quiet for a moment, reaching into his pocket and pulling something out. He turned it over in his fingers as he inspected the small object, then practically thrusted it in my hands. "He gave it back. Like he was taunting me or some shit." John's shoulders sagged. "Take it. I don't deserve it anymore."

I glanced down at the key, feeling its grooves and edges with my pointer finger. "I'm not taking this from you," I said softly, setting it back in the palm of his hand and closing his fingers around it.

"I don't deserve it. I'm the reason you're here, okay?" His voice flared with panic, with that starving self-hatred that consumed everything it could get its greedy hands on. John shifted away from me, caving in on himself.

"You are not the one who dragged me through my own home and beat me. You are not the one who told me he couldn't deal with me anymore and asked me to leave. You offered me a place to stay, John, and that's worth so much more than some stupid mistake you made when you were drunk. Nobody's perfect." I sighed, gazing out at the window. It didn't feel like enough but it was really all I had to give.

He had frozen now, staring up at me, and warmth needled its way to my face. "Alexander trusts you with the key," I said after a moment, dispelling the silence that had grown too comfortable. "And if he trusts you, then so do I."

"But—I—"

"It was a mistake, John. I've done worse. I'm not mad at you, okay? Don't be mad at yourself."

John blinked, the tears in his eyes firmly disappearing. Without warning, he surged forwards and wrapped his arms around me. I returned the gesture, letting it last as long as he needed it to before he finally pulled away and cleared his throat in something that almost resembled embarrassment. "Do you want to do some painting with me tomorrow? I need to practice oil colors."

I laughed softly. "Sounds wonderful."

John nodded, pushing himself to his feet. "Well, uh, thank you, Thomas. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?"

I nodded. "Goodnight, John."

I never really went to sleep that night, letting the darkness spin the world around me into a story that was somewhat palatable. I left early the next morning before the sun had even peaked over the horizon, leaving nothing but a note of thanks and a promise to pay those three wonderful people back in the future.

As I walked through the city streets, the sky growing lighter, I thought about Alexander greeting me, the events of the night before completely behind us. And still, somehow, even after all that had happened, the idea of his smile soothed my shaking hands.