//TW: abuse, swearing\\

(Edit: Out of this entire book and everything I've written and edited and poured my soul into, looking back on it, this is perhaps the chapter I'm proudest of and I think that's so sad lol)

Thomas

The moon gleamed through the dirty window, its glow unrivaled even as it broke past the thick, dark clouds that tried to prevent its light from reaching the earth, from dancing across my face as I marveled at its beauty. Such a simple thing, and such a heavenly thing at the same time. How can so many fear the night and darkness when that was the only time the moon and stars were free to shine with all of their subtle power and whispered elegance?

I brushed my fingers against the pane, wishing I could reach out and grasp that light for myself, to feel its tangible presence tingle against my palm. But I would never want to steal its light for the small confines of my room where only I can see it, and prevent the rest of the world from basking in its glow.

I would love to dance on the moon, I think. To watch space swirl around me, its endless black filled with the twinkling stars encompassing my view. What could possibly be more freeing than feeling their unbroken love and protection bear down on my body, their song rising through me and using my voice as their own? I could practically feel the freedom whispering through my veins, becoming part of me as I joined their ranks and joined the stars and the light and the unabridged love. I would soar, with delicate wings carved from stained glass, and never return to the miserable life I was leaving behind me.

I would be free.

A soft, apologetic chirp ripped me away from my thoughts and plunged me back into the startlingly boring reality. I blinked, and the vision of the moon and my boundless dance disappeared like a dream in the hazy morning sunlight.

I sighed, casting a small smile down at the creature resting on the perch, gazing up at me with his two tiny eyes. "Sorry, Dick," I whispered, afraid that any louder of a voice would fracture the perfect night, awakening the beast as all loud voices do in any given fairytale. "I know, I know. You're anxious, but we're about to leave. I promise."

Dick chirped again, as if to remind me that he was not the anxious one. But of course, I did not need reminding. Not as my entire body ached for the warmth only one person could provide, not as my entire soul burned with desire for his presence, his smile.

I closed my eyes and listened, waiting for that telltale slam of a door, separating our two worlds once again. I listened for his hushed mumbling, his constant demeaning tone as he complained about me even when nobody was listening. But there was nothing but that thick, overripe silence that filled the air as night descended. Though part of me feared he would pop out at any moment, I released a sigh and edged the door open.

I scooped Dick out of his cage and set him on my shoulder carefully. Slinging my bag over my other shoulder, I moved through the dorm carefully and quietly, unable to wait to see Alexander again.

He would be so close. And we would be alone. And I could touch him, hold him, feel him as he felt me, unburdened by the staring eyes of so many others picking us apart even with good intentions. I could hear his unaltered laugh, breathing new life into my wary lungs. I could exists alongside him the way I had craved to for so long. The only beings to watch us would be the moon herself and her legion of stars, and they never judged what they saw. How could they? To exist for millennia is too long a time to hold judgements.

Excitement powered my steps, a song already filling my head as I imagined him sitting there, waiting for me.

I had almost made it to the door when a voice behind me said, "Where are you going?"

Oh, great.

I froze in place, clammy fingers of panic gripping me tightly and tethering me once more to the cold, hard ground just as my heart had taken flight once more. I turned around to see James staring up at me, distaste palpable and arms crossed in that eternal condemnation he was so strangely good at. My legs almost gave out underneath me.

"Uh, I'm sorry. D-did I w-wake you up?"

"Where are you going, Thomas?" he repeated, as if grappling with the fact that I was here in the darkness-soaked room that offered me up my only escape rather than trapped in the closed confines that could never constitute a home. 

"Just... uh, just go back to sleep."

"Can you just answer my question?" he demanded, his gaze searching mine.

"The roof. To see the stars. That's all."

"Alright, and who else is there?"

"Uh... no one. No one else is on the roof."

"You're going to laugh when you hear this, but I get the strange sense that you're lying to me?"

Even in the darkness, even under his intense cold glare, I thought of Alexander. And it was all I could do not to smile.

"Whaaaaat? Me? Lie?"

"I know," he said, watching me, but a small smile poked through his stone cold expression. "Crazy. So can I come see the stars with you or what?"

No.

I paused, my hands gripping the bag tighter as if it was my lifeboat in a sinking ocean. Dick must have sensed my alarm, for he ruffled his wings, disgruntled as well.

"Thomas?" he pressed, and was that desperation dotting his voice? James stepped forward, reaching out for my arm. A sharp chill slid up my back as his bare skin came into contact with mine, his fingers colder than ice. I bit down on my tongue, forcing the exclamation of surprise to die in my throat before I voiced it.

I couldn't refuse, but I couldn't let him come with me.

No no no no no.

Why?

"You wouldn't rather sleep?"

"I want to spend time with you."

Since when?

The one nice thing I had left, and he was determined to ruin that, too. Was he content to steal away the stars and the moon, plucking them straight from the sky, if it meant I couldn't derive any joy from their comforting light?

"So, can I come?"

"I suppose."

No. Please just... change your mind and go back to bed.

"Great. Let's go."

I suffocated a sigh that had risen in my throat and offered him my hand. James gripped it without another thought, casting one questioning look at the bird seated on my shoulder, but said nothing about him.

"Am I going to like what I see?"

I sighed. There was no use in lying. "Probably not."

"I thought so."

The disappointment, layered thick and heavy in his sigh, made me wince. If there was ever a moment to take flight and disappear from this earth, it would be now. Just so I didn't have to feel his cold hand try so hard to keep me anchored to him. Just so I could embrace freedom one more time.

The walk up to the roof seemed to drag on, plagued as it was by a sudden darkness as we accessed the long-forgotten stairwell situated in the far back of the building, where few dared to go. I wonder how many people had walked its path before, perhaps to reach for a momentary respite from the world and the stresses it includes, or perhaps searching for a more...permanent...one. What stories, these stairs could tell. Of all the people they had seen, all the students and all the lives and all the separate worlds combining, for just one place and for just one time, into one.

And what would these stairs say about the amount of times I've walked up and down their lengths? How many times had they assumed they would never see me again? How many rumors had they whispered to each other about me and the numerous rendezvouses with a secret lover they have never before seen? How awful must it be to be so close to the stars and never see them for yourself, even as you grant so many the opportunity to find sanction in their light.

Or maybe they were just stairs, and I was creating something out of nothing.

Either way, it was excruciatingly painful, walking up those stairs with James and dreading what was to come. There was no way out of it, and I would be stuck in the crossfires of yet another battle I did not belong to, yet again. But what else is new? I don't get a say.

None of us ever really do.

My fingers paused on the doorknob, the last obstacle between me and my Alexander, but only for a slight second. I refused to let myself be filled with hesitation and I refused to doubt the existence of the best thing that has ever happened to me, simply because James would be standing right next to me. So, my fingers paused on the cold steel, but not hardly long enough to be noticeable, and the door was open a moment later, revealing the secrets of the roof I had fought so hard to keep from James.

And there it was, the vast open sky. Although the stars were mostly invisible, corrupted by the smog and the hazy city lights beaming from ever corner, it relieved the weight from my chest just to know they were smiling down upon me once again. A soft breeze rippled through the air, its blessed chill filling my lungs. Though it did not dissolve the knot of anxiety sitting heavy in my stomach, I found I could finally allow my body to relax, as the night sky surrounded me and whispered to me its beautiful, sweet song. A song meant for dancing, but there would be no dancing tonight.

Alexander was going to kill me. James was going to kill me. Then, they're going to kill each other. Just calling it now.

On cue, his voice sounded through the perfect night, turning to smile at us—me—with a face illuminated by the light. He was as perfect as I rendered him in countless daydreams, his soothing voice complete and his beautiful face flawless even with its very few imperfections. "Hey, Thomas!" Alexander exclaimed, and just hearing his voice put me at ease. I longed to step over to him, to leap into his arms and take shelter in the safety only he can provide, but James gripped me even tighter than before.

It was like electricity crackling through the air the second the two of them saw each other. I shrunk in on myself, the smile slipping so completely from Alexander's face and James's entire body stiffening as the truth reared its ugly head, stepping out from behind the veil I had quite literally shoved it behind.

Well, we'll see how it goes.

"You." The word was so visceral, laced with the most potent of venoms. It was like every star twinkled out of existence with the way Alexander barked the word, just as quickly as the joy drained out of his face upon seeing us. And although I knew it was mostly directed at James, if not completely, I still withered a bit under the weight of his undisguised hatred.

Dick chirped in my ear, as if to say, this was going to be a long night.

"Alexander."

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question!"

"Why don't you do us all a favor and jump off of the roof?"

"Go ahead and show me how."

Already off to a fantastic start, aren't we? This is going to be awesome. Please make sure to note the sarcasm, by the way.

I sighed, sliding against the now-closed door as if it could support me. I clutched onto the doorknob, growing hot underneath my unwavering touch. It was my only escape, the only way I could flee and pretend this soon-to-be-horrible night never happened. Well, apart from flinging myself off the roof, but that won't accomplish much, now, will it?

I forced myself to let out a breath, to take in another generous helping of the night air. It became my sustenance, my life force. I needed the calming balm of the night as much as I needed the stars to grace me with their beautiful presence.

I took a breath. "Hey, Alexander."

"Hi, Thomas," he returned, softening at once. "How have you been?"

I opened my mouth to respond, but James shot me a silencing look, and Alexander tensed once more.

Then they squabbled like school children for the next fifteen minutes. It wasn't pretty.

The panic rose inside of me, working its way through my throat, and the voices whispered all the horrible things I have grown accustomed to, and the world began to spin as if it would never stop, and the planets and stars seemed to fall out of their precarious alignment in the sky, and the pressing lights seemed to grow brighter and way more intense, and the good things in the world morphed into bad things as they yelled and yelled, and I began to fade once more to the background, and it became too much too much too much—

Finally, I snapped. "If you two don't shut up, I will actually throw both of you off of this roof!"

I'm not sure which is more surprising, James listening to me or Alexander shutting up.

I sighed, drawing in another breath in a fruitless attempt to calm the storm that had swept through my heart and mind. My legs shook underneath me, but somehow, I managed a smile. "Despite your efforts to the contrary, I am going to enjoy my night. So if you two can't let that happen, then you can leave."

Silence met my words.

I took a deep breath. "Thank you," I murmured, setting Dick down on the roof so he could hop around and get fresh air. Alexander watched the bird with interest. Of course I had told him; he was the first to know. But this was his first time seeing Dick in person for him.

I sunk down next to the bird, and furthermore, next to Alexander. Tucking my legs underneath me, I leaned back and peered up at the sky above our heads, wondering if I could pick anything out. But the stars were closed off to me, and it frustrated me to no end that I would have to go one more day without seeing them.

Dick returned to me rather quickly, and I let him hop onto my finger, holding him out for Alexander to see. Without saying a word, he smiled, carefully reaching a hand forward to pet the delicate creature's head. His eyes lit up, and a small laugh won its way from his mouth, and he fell just as much in love with the bird as I had.

I knew there was a reason the mere thought of him lit up my entire world all at once. I knew there was a reason the sight of his smile pulled at my heartstrings. I knew there was a reason I had completely and utterly fallen for him and everything he stands for, to the point where I may have lost a bit of myself along the way.

"You decided on a name?" Alexander asked, briefly tearing his eyes away from the bird to smile up at me.

"Yes! Dick!"

Alexander's smile faltered. "Uh...okay..." He glanced at James, perhaps not meaning to, perhaps to extend the proverbial olive branch for the sake of my sanity. I softened, wishing I could lean against him.

James joined us, unsure of himself. "You see a problem with it too, right?" he asked after a moment, almost to himself.

"Y-yes."

"Okay. Thanks. Glad I'm not the only one."

"What?" I demanded. "It's a normal name!"

"We're not arguing with you, Thomas," Alexander returned, sliding his hand against mine, just out of view of James, who was glancing around the roof. To think, after almost two years, he had never come up here before, whereas I had spent countless nights taking refuge in the light of the stars and the shadows of the neighboring skyscrapers. It felt a bit invasive, to let the monster into the only sanctuary away from said monster. But then again, if it means survival, then who am I to argue?

But, as the momentary peace fell away, silence fell over the three of us again. There was more to it then mere hatred, mere discomfort. Hidden behind the silence must have stood an eternity's worth of questions and discontent with the very ideals of our world that had normalized this, that had brought this moment into startling reality.

This never should have been allowed to happen. This whole situation was not borne of love and passion and the thrill of a secret as much as it was the mere fact that Alexander and I were not allowed to exist as we wanted to outside of this roof and outside the protective gaze of the stars. So, I could sense the discomfort rolling off of him in droves as he struggled to understand, struggled to figure out what he was supposed to do or say.

His hatred for James was and always will be more than just empty jealous. And as much as it frustrates me, I cannot help but love him all the more for that.

And the silence pressed on.

Finally, I broke it. "Oh dear God," I said, coming to a sudden realization.

"What?" Alexander asked.

"Imagine what's going to happen when Aaron finds out about this."

It was an attempt, at least, perhaps commendable if it didn't seem so sad, so desperate to grasp at straws. Anything to end the silence and its miserable discomfort. When neither of them responded at first, I tucked in on myself, focusing my gaze solely on Dick as he nestled himself against my body. I tried to ignore the heat rising in my face, though whether it was created from frustration or embarrassment, I'll never know. Perhaps both?

But Alexander saved me, just as he always does.

Alexander scoffed. "You know he's going to throw a fit or something. Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if he was behind that pole over there," he said, nodding towards the electrical box.

"Oh give him a break," James said, and I could see his lips twitching into a small smile. "He just wants to be on the roof where it happens."

I couldn't help but laugh, and I saw Alex grin slightly, then turn away to hide it.

Okay, so maybe this won't be as bad as I thought.

There was a lapse in conversation for a moment, and it looked like I'd have to be the one to start one. Great. You're asking the least socially adept person ever to start a conversation.

I let out a breath, surveyed the roof and the world below, and all the countless people with their countless lives they led. It didn't seem fair, to have so many stories closed off to me, especially when perhaps the thing humanity hungered for most was the ability to have their stories be heard, to be acknowledged and verified. I wanted to know everything about the city I had lived in for around seven years, from the oldest building down to the newest crack in the pavement, just as I ached to forget this wretched place and everything it stands for.

"You okay, Thomas?" Alexander asked, perhaps sensing the way I gripped the blanket he had laid out for us a bit tighter between my fingers. I considered it for a moment, then flashed him a smile. He slid his arm against mine, warmth blooming through my body. In his brilliant brown eyes shone the light of the stars concealed above our heads, and I managed a smile.

"I wonder what this all was like 65 million years ago."

"That's a strange thing to wonder," Alexander said.

"No, but hear me out. If we suddenly went back in time, just the three of us, what would it be like? We could be sitting up in a tree, overlooking nature untouched by humanity. Wouldn't that be cool?"

"Or," James said. "There might not be a tree under us, and we plummet to our inevitable deaths."

"And if we just assume that that happens and we somehow don't die, there's a very high chance we'll get eaten by something," Alex added.

"Okay!" I exclaimed. "What is wrong with you two?"

"Well, you asked a stupid question," James replied without looking up from the blanket he was tracing his fingers around. Alexander bristled, but at my warning look, said nothing else.

"Okay, well, if you're so socially competent," I said carefully, trying to infuse my voice with enough light-hearted jesting so as not to get in trouble. "You try and start the conversation."

"You don't have to be emotional, Thomas," James returned, not angry but certainly not pleased. His words were measured, carefully calibrated so it became impossible to tell if he was teasing me back or if he was completely serious. And thus, Alexander couldn't snap at him. It's an endless—and quite ridiculous—cycle.

"I am not emotional! I'm cold and distant. I am merciless. I have never experienced an emotion before in my life!" I claimed.

"Oh, right," Alexander said, grinning up at me. "That totally checks out."

"I'm sorry... how many times did you cry over Wonder?"

"Okay, but in my defense, Wonder was a very sad movie! He was bullied his whole life, the sister just wanted her parents to notice her, her friend was all alone, and the dog died. The dog died, James! The dog died! I don't care about literally anything else but the dog! Can we not have one sad movie where the dog doesn't die? I don't care if humanity is suddenly wiped out but you do not touch the dog."

"The teacher was pretty hot though," Alex commented.

"My God," James whispered.

"What?"

"I can't believe I'm about to say this but I think I might actually agree with you on something, Alexander."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, it's insane."

"You two are so ridiculously dramatic, I swear to God."

"Look who's talking."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure."

I smiled softly to myself and leaned back, looking up at the clear night sky. It seemed as though the clouds could not win after all, and had given up trying to conquer the sky and extinguish the light of the moon. Though the stars were not visible, I still had the paths they tread and the tapestries they wove together memorized by heart. "You know, if you could see the stars, we might just be able to see Delphinus, though it might be a bit early."

"Delphinus?" Alexander repeated, glancing at me with a spark igniting in his eyes. That unhidden awe, that sweet and devoted curiosity. He desired to share the knowledge, if only to hear my voice.

He is all I have ever wanted.

"The dolphin constellation," I said with a shrug, my face warming.

"How do you get a dolphin out of that?" James said, glancing down at his phone where a picture of the constellation beamed back up at him. It was a poor substitute, however, nothing compared to the real thing.

I shrugged. "Astronomers make stuff up all the time. It's the art of the trade, or something, I think."

"Pure imagination?" Alexander said, making it sound like a question though.

"Eh, probably that to."

"Still," Alexander snorted, glancing over James's shoulder. "It's not very...realistic."

"Oh! Well," I said, exaggerating my voice way beyond the realm of believable offense. "Excuse me! Go ahead and tell the stars you disagree with their choice of constellation. I'm sure they'll listen!"

"What? You can't move stars, Thomas?"

"I'm afraid not."

Alexander shook his head, clicking his tongue simultaneously. "What do I pay you for then?"

"You pay me?"

"Occasionally. Where did you think all the seashells come from?"

"I don't know. I guess I just assumed they came from the laundry faeries," I returned, cocking an eyebrow at him as his face went deadpan.

"The...the what?" James asked, so clearly out of place.

"Don't worry," Alexander mumbled, shaking his head. "A stupid inside joke. What were we talking about?"

"I want a dolphin," I said. "Will you get me a dolphin, James? I have to come up with a clever name for it of course. Finn? Neptune? Flipper?"

Even James, and his ice-cold fury and constant critical gaze, proved no match for the stars. He caved under their influence, allowing a small smile through. I did not not fear him, for those instincts will always be apart of me, the sudden urge to flinch at his stare or dart away from his touch, but it felt good inside to see his smile, his humor, a small piece of the boy I knew before.

"I'm not getting you a dolphin. You have a bird," he said, gesturing to Dick, who was hopping along the edge of the blanket. "What would I even do with a dolphin?"

"We can put it in the Hudson and it can just swim around and do dolphin things all day. Or! We could buy a giant glass tank and then the dolphin can just swim in there."

"Oh yeah, because that's a lot less work. Where am I even going to get a big glass tank?"

"At the big glass tank store, duh. Where else?"

Perhaps growing braver, perhaps abandoning caution to the wind, or perhaps simply forgetting about the rules imposed on us by an unforgiving society, Alexander drifted a bit closer, slotting his arm around my waist. It seemed too accidental to be targeted towards James, rather an unrealized act of love, of tenderness and affection. I melted inside all the same.

"Okay, you know, I'll add a dolphin to the list of all the other animals you want."

"Sounds good."

"Along with a tiger, a sloth, bears, a zebra, an elephant— am I missing anything?"

It felt wrong to laugh. Not here, not because of him. After all he had done, what right did he think he had to attempt to pull a laugh out of my throat, especially when followed by a glance at Alexander, almost to see if he was paying attention. Was this just another ploy for him; was I nothing more than his puppet once again?

It felt wrong to laugh, to hand him over the emotions I had learned to keep secret from him in fear he would infest them with his maggot-ridden hatred, but I couldn't help it. And I was laughing despite the consequences, despite the fear I had been living under as long as I was trapped under that ceiling in that cramped, flawless dorm room missing nothing but love.

"Yeah, lots. But we'll just leave it there and call it good."

We talked a bit more, and it was actually kinda nice. It was nice to see two of my favorite people in the world actually get along.

They probably would like each other a lot more if it weren't for me.

No depressing thoughts now, Thomas. We're all trying to be happy.

Trying.

I let out a breath, clutching at my arms as Alexander and James carefully, mostly unsure of themselves, talked about some project the two of them were working on. I listened with only feigned interest, trying to divide my attention between keeping them entertained and not ripping each other's throats out to keeping myself away from teetering over both the metaphorical and the literal edge. This was not the nice night it was supposed to be; once more, it was a game to them, a chance to compete over things I wish they would let blow away in the wind.

But, some part of me can still not help but dream of a day where I do not have to come to this roof anymore. Where I can be free even without the stars granting me the ability to gain my wings. Where I can be away from here and every lie and problem and fight that arises.

And I have to ask: how did my life lead me here?

"Thomas?" Alexander asked softly, nudging me gently with his elbow. The soft look in his eyes basically begged me to smile, to prove that everything's okay, and that I was fine. Lies, all of them, but so what? "You doing okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. I'm just...I'm just thinking."

"About what?" James asked after a moment, not the way I would have expected him to. There was a slight hesitation there, fueled by a desire to understand.

God, I hated him. I hated how easy it was for him to pretend he loved me and cared for me and would never dream of hurting me, while for me, his failed attempts at love are the only thing I dream about, the memories that fill the broken seams whenever I am alone. My entire identity has been shaped around his abuse and the fear he had induced, and yet, he can forget it so completely.

I shook my head. "What life would be like if I was a bird."

"Fair. But what kind of bird would you be?" Alexander asked, his breath and voice warm against my ear in all the dangerously right ways.

I frowned, glancing down at Dick, who stared back up at me as if there was a right answer. But I guess I had never put so much thought into that before, when all I had been looking forward to was accessing my wings and achieving the ability to soar in the very first place.

The night wore on more quickly than I'd like to admit it, and before I knew it, streaks of red and orange and pink painted themselves through the sky, interspersed with the deep indigo. I stared at the sunrise, my heart skipping a beat, and glanced at Alexander besides me, who had gone quiet to watch the dawn.

Then it happened. Our truce was over, the peace evaporating in the light just as the darkness had.

I still didn't know how to feel, but the night seemed to have been taken away from me before I had even gotten the chance to truly appreciate it. Perhaps that was the worst crime of them all. I glanced over at Alexander, who was grinning up at me as he shot back a fiery retort towards James as they argued about something blissfully meaningless, passion infusing his very being just as it always did. I couldn't help but want to lean closer to him, to bury myself in his arms and watch as the rest of the world melts away, calmed by the singular knowledge that as long as I am with him, I am safe.

It feels so wrong to relish that thought, to dream of him reaching over and wrapping his arms around me despite what the world would think, despite the protests and backlash that would arise in response. It feels so terribly, criminally wrong, especially as James sits right across from him in our secret little triangle, laughing harder and smiling brighter than I had seen from him in practically years.

My heart thrummed in my chest, beating against its iron cage just like a little hummingbird, dazed by the world and confused by these two boys. Nothing made sense any more, but honestly? Who cared?

I was content to be with them, enclosed in our little triangle, underneath starlight and nothing else. I was content to keep this unusual meeting a secret from the world.

Especially Aaron.

He's going to lose his mind.

"God, where's the time go?" I asked, breaking into the middle of a very in depth argument about the best Pixar movie. It's WALL-E just in case you were wondering.

"Oh yeah, look at that," James said as I scooped Dick up into my hands, careful not to hurt his wing. "Come on, Thomas. We should go."

Was it just me or did he sound kinda disappointed? Hah! He has feelings just like the rest of us. He's not immune, despite what he wants the world to think.

"Oh. Yeah. I guess so."

I smiled at Alexander, hoping with every ounce of my heart that it conveyed all the things I wanted to say but could not have. It didn't seem enough, for the things I had wanted to express were monumental and impossible and huge, but he smiled back with a gentleness that made my heart melt, so perhaps I had said everything I had wanted to with that simple, stupid smile.

"I'll see you later, Thomas," Alexander said. He turned to James, his gaze hardening once more. There was no love lost, no new bonds formed in the few hours we had spent. "If you hurt Thomas in any fucking way, I swear—"

"You'll kill me? I'm sure," James returned, the usual ice returning to his cold tone. "Don't worry, Alexander, I won't hurt my Thomas." But even as he said it, his arm snaked forward, claw-like fingers digging into my arm as he pulled me a step away from Alexander.

"Of course you will," Alexander muttered, but loud enough so we could hear it.

"Goodbye, Alexander," I said as James pulled me along. "I'll see you later?"

"Of course, Thomas." And without James watching us, his back turned, he silently blew me a kiss.

I returned it.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for that touch to have been real, for that kiss to have been more than an imaginary ideal I was meant to sustain myself on.

The walk back to our dorm was quiet.

Finally, I turned to him. "I know you hate him, but I'd like to thank you for putting up with him, even just for that amount of time. It... it really means a lot."

James didn't say anything, but he did smile.

I like it when he's not mad at me.

I returned to the day before me, returned to that tiny, cramped room where anything can happen behind locked doors and low ceilings. I returned to the fear bearing down on me at all angles, returned to the barbed-wire prison meant to keep the birds trapped inside. But I returned as well, to a phone with a notification lighting up the screen, a small message from the boy I had just spent hours with.

Alexander: Have a good day bby I'll see you later!

I smiled down at the text, closed my eyes, and imagined him standing beside me, his hand on my shoulder, his presence keeping me safe from all threats. What I wouldn't give to have that again, what worlds I wouldn't sacrifice just to call him mine once more.

Thomas: god i miss you already :(

Thomas: i'll see you later have an amazing day !!!

But in other news, Aaron is going to be so pissed when he finds out about this.

And of course I'm gonna tell him. God, come on, it's me, what do you expect?

~•~

Let's play a game. It's called: Count the Room Where It Happens references.