XXIII: Beneath You


Thranduil may have assured me that there is nothing to worry about, but I can still feel the panic beginning to seep into the very fibres of my being. I should not be afraid, since I have the most skilled warrior in the kingdom protecting me. However, despite this, the coming of the orcs has managed to instill terror in my heart: an overwhelming fear for Thranduil, a good deal of fear for other elves such as Gelya and her family, and even a small amount for myself. What if Thranduil cannot protect me? What if this effort is all in vain?

I change into some spare guard's clothing in Thranduil's private armoury.  It feels almost unnatural to be clad in a tight, full-body tunic after weeks of wearing nothing but floaty dresses, and the similarities between my outfit and Tauriel's are unnerving in their own way.  How I, a Star, could ever walk in the garb of the Woodland Guard is utterly beyond me—and yet, here I am.

'You can come in now,' I call expectantly, unable to banish the smirk tugging at the corners of my lips.

Fully armoured and wearing an even more noticeable smirk, Thranduil enters gracefully and proceeds to inspect my outfit.  'You would make a fine guard,' he says with a nod of satisfaction, before standing back to admire me from farther away.

I take this moment to admire him, the paragon of majesty, as he towers above me in his gleaming silver armour embossed with swirling patterns; his hair, pristine and platinum as ever, is complemented by an elegant circlet sat atop his forehead, the white gem in the centre of it glimmering in the light of the lamps.

'Hannon-lë.  Are you ready to ride?' I ask playfully, hoping for an equally cheery response.  However, Thranduil's eyes seem to darken, as if a memory has sprung up from under the surface of his mind.  He drops eye contact with me, his brows lowering slightly, as if in... shame. 'Meleth nín?' I reach out to touch his gloved hand, 'Thranduil? What is it?'

'Nothing, Elena,' he says dismissively, turning away.

'Tell me... please,' I beg, refusing to let him go. 'No more secrets.'

'No, it's—it's my fault.'

'What's your fault? You know you can tell me anything.'

Thranduil takes a deep breath, and wraps both my hands in his. His expression seems pained, as if speaking would bring him agony. Nevertheless, he begins. 'You're right. You need to know the truth now, or it will be too late. It's my fault you were wounded, my fault you were bedridden for days. I threw you off my elk while you were asleep.'

He did it? He did it? He rendered me completely helpless, sentenced me to weeks of suffering, made me a target for assault... did he choose that for me? Did he really sink so low as to inflict that kind of harm on me?

Numb with disbelief, I pull my hands from his and let them hand limply by my sides. I force the words out, watching Thranduil's face crumple. 'That... that was you? On purpose?'

The pain is now clear in his voice too, which cracks slightly as he speaks. 'Yes, but it was before I knew you, before I fell in love with you—'

I cut across him sharply, feeling the anger beginning to bubble over the edge. 'You know what, I'll go out on my own horse, seeing as last time I rode with you I was almost paralysed.'

'Don't be a fool. It's too dangerous,' Thranduil says firmly.

'What would you have me do?' I retort, 'stay here like a little child? I am going to help the guards, no matter what.'

'You are no longer willing to ride with me?'

'And let you hurt me again? Highly unlikely.'

'Elena, you know you can trust me—'

'Do I?' I remark, 'you only just now felt it appropriate to reveal you threw me from your elk the very night we met? Because all this time, I really thought you were different. I thought that level of greed was beneath you.'

'I was selfish. I wanted something to cure the heartbreak. I thought if you stayed here long enough, you wouldn't wish to leave. All along I knew it was wrong, that I shouldn't interfere with a Star's task, but after everything I've been through... where are you going?' he calls as he notices me heading for the door.

'I'm getting a horse.'

'Elena...' he begins in exasperation.

'Don't come after me. I'll be fine without you.'

Thranduil ignores me, reaching me within three strides of his long legs and latching his fingers onto my shoulder. 'You don't know how to ride! Let alone fight!'

'I'm sure I can teach myself.' I vainly attempt to shake him off, but his grip is far too strong for me to combat.  Despite the raging state of my emotions, I cannot feel anything other than peace from his touch.

'Spare me from your obstinacy! If you ride out alone, you'll have no chance. Dressed like that, they'll mistake you for a guard and kill you on sight. If you reveal yourself as a Star, they'll capture you. Stay with me, Elena,' he insists.

I pause, finally coming to my senses.  'I'm not leaving you altogether,' I say—with a great deal less irritability, to my relief. 'You know I could never do that.  But I want you to prove to me that you're not the ellon you were on that first night, and you don't just want me out of lust.'

'You know I love you,' Thranduil says earnestly, the warmth in his eyes seeming to grow somehow.

'Let me ride on my own horse, then.  If I do that, not only will I know you've changed, but the other elves will think better of you, don't you see?' It's breaking me to disagree with him, and to suppress the overwhelming urge to forgive him right away and let him pull me back into his arms. Just this once, that's all it will take—just this one time riding alone, and then I can be completely certain he won't hurt me again. I believe him already, of course, but I refuse to be so weak as to not make sure.

'I see, but I could not live with myself if something happened to you and my presence could have prevented it.  I know I can keep you safe.' His velvet-gloved fingers move up to caress the side of my neck.

'No, you don't,' I reply sadly, 'you may have confidence in your fighting ability, and I do not doubt you there either, but no one can guarantee my safety.  You know this.'

'I may not be able to guarantee it, but your safety is my priority.  And to prove that to you, I want you to ride with me.'

'I'll ride beside you on my own horse just so I can be sure, and that's my final word on it.' I stand steadfastly, keeping still as he reluctantly removes his hand.

After a few moments, Thranduil lets out a long sigh.  'If you would think better of me, meleth nín, then I will ride beside you.  Just know that I do not simply desire you—I love you for who you are, not for what you are.  You knew that once.  Do not let a wrong I did before I knew you destroy what we have now.'

I refrain from answering, for I fear anything I say would only make it worse.  All I can dream of doing right now is telling him that he's right, throwing myself towards him and letting him kiss me away from the burdens of reality. However, today is not the day I let myself become as weak-willed as poor Ellerian was; today is the day I ride out and help protect Thranduil's kingdom. I'm doing it both for my own wishes and for his.

As I turn and open the door, I find Tauriel hurrying along the corridor, her bow clutched in one hand. She stops in her tracks. Her gaze soon comes to rest on my new attire, which bears a striking resemblance to her own, and her eyebrows curiously raise a little up her forehead. 'My lord, are you ready to depart?' she asks the tall figure of Thranduil stood behind me.

'Almost,' Thranduil addresses his Captain, 'Tauriel, take Elena to the stables, and provide her with a horse and some weapons.  I will meet you outside.'

Tauriel doesn't question her King, but still looks quite puzzled as to why I, of all people, must be prepared for battle. However, despite being mildly confused, the Captain of the Guard gives me a genuine smile—the kind one would expect from Gelya—and beckons for me to follow her.

Casting a glance back at Thranduil, I see him nod encouragingly to me. We exchange a small smile, but there is no time to say goodbye, as Tauriel is already walking briskly down the corridor and away from Thranduil's armoury. She slows her pace a little to allow me to catch up, but she's Captain—she doesn't have time to wait for a recovering invalid such as me. Yes, perhaps I still cannot walk as fast as I should like, but my hopes are that my walking speed won't affect how I ride a horse.

'Why is the King not coming to the stables?' I ask, suddenly realising that Thranduil will need a beast to ride on too.

'He keeps his elks separate from the horses,' replies Tauriel, no less friendly than before, 'they need bigger areas to roam in. Also, I think their antlers make them too large for the regular stables.'

I chuckle politely at this. It then hits me how much I wish Tauriel returns from this battle, as with Thranduil and the other elves, even those whom I personally loathe. They are all risking their lives because of my arrival in their world, and though it may be their duty to defend their realm, I feel as though I do not deserve all these elves fighting for me. If it is to be this way, then they have all my blessings today. I'm not sure a Star's blessings have any true meaning, but they have them nonetheless.

I care not if I've given all my blessings away and left none for myself.

***

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