It was nightfall by the time Madeline made her way down the stairs again. She'd gotten about five hours of sleep and took a shower. It was the best she could muster up while her world crashed down around her.

"Where you going, kiddo?" Her dad asked when he noticed her sliding on her coat.

For obvious reasons, Madeline hadn't told her dad of her plans tonight, but told him about dropping off her box of letters to him early that morning. "I need to go for a drive and clear my thoughts. Maybe walk around downtown for some fresh air."

"Want me to go with you?"

Madeline shook her head, forcing a tired and disingenuous smile onto her face. "I need to be alone. But I should be back in about an hour. When I get back, we'll order some dinner." That she also likely wouldn't eat.

He gave her that knowing look of his, not actually knowing nearly as much as he thought he did. "See you in about an hour."

After she grabbed her purse, Madeline made her way to her car and drove to Elijah's. She could make the drive while paying little attention. It'd become second nature, and soon she'd have to learn not to make the drive.

This was the last time she'd use this key to get into his building, and slid it, as well as his apartment key, off her key chain. It wasn't nerve wracking knowing she was about to lose her virginity. It was knowing that her losing that virginity was completely overshadowed by the fact she'd likely never see Elijah again.

After spending seven years of her life being his shadow, twelve years of her life thinking of him and making wish after wish for his safety and happiness, she was now going to lose him two weeks to the day after getting him back.

She made it home from his dad's funeral two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, she'd found him asleep in her bed. Two weeks ago, she'd fallen asleep next to him for the first time, keeping the nightmares away. Now, Madeline would end up in a bed with him once more without being able to fall asleep next to him.

She'd no longer be able to keep his nightmares away, no longer wake up next to him, no longer be able to feel the warmth of his hugs. She was about to lose everything she'd never dare dreamed of having with him, and everything she'd dreamed of having back. The sound of his voice, his smile, his strength that now seemed so small.

But at the very least, she'd have this one piece of him. The memories of tonight prior to leaving this apartment would have to carry her through life indefinitely; knowing someone once loved her, even if it wasn't strong enough or could last.

Madeline hadn't even knocked on the door prior to its opening. Maybe he'd seen the shadow of her shoes beneath the door, standing there like a zombie.

"I wasn't sure if you'd even show up," Elijah confessed. His normally beautiful face seemed void of color, except for heavy bags beneath his eyes. "Are you sure you want to do this, Madeline?"

She was back to Madeline, as she'd been in the 'breakup: part two' letter. Only for this one night. "My heart's going to shatter into pieces that probably won't mend, but it's already two-thirds the way there, anyhow."

Elijah nodded absent-mindedly and opened the door further, allowing her entrance. She saw that while the walls hadn't been repaired, the mess he'd made before had been cleaned up.

"Give me a minute," Elijah told her before he disappeared down the hallway.

All Madeline could think about during that minute were the same thoughts she'd had early that morning. Elijah had always been her past, and his memory had carried her through her present as she grew up. By what felt like a genuine miracle, he was meant to be her future.

A friendship would have satisfied Madeline for the rest of her life, had he not kissed her. Madeline would have gone on having him as a secret longing, and struggled with that, but still endured. But that future was replaced with a new one, full of possibilities, love, and the purest of connections.

Then, by some sick twist of destiny, the magic faded as quickly as it had appeared, leaving Madeline in shambles and an uncertain, gloomy future. The kiss had sealed their fate in the worst way imaginable.

But maybe this was fate telling her to let him go. Maybe it'd been whispering in her ear to move on from him for all this time, and Madeline had refused to listen. Fate knew her love for him was unrealistic and held her back, so it put Elijah in front of her to wreck her heart so she could finally move on from him, once and for all. Whoever coined the phrase, 'fate is a cruel mistress' hit it right on the money.

Elijah appeared in the hallway once again and nodded toward his bedroom door.

When Madeline walked into the room, her breath hitched as she took everything in. Rose petals on the blanket, and candles spread throughout the room.

"I've had breakup sex before, but I've never broken up, and then had sex with someone for the first time. Add that to the fact that it's you and me, and I'm about to lose you forever... I wasn't sure how to play this.

"I want it to be special to you, even if it fucking kills me, but I didn't ask if there were any rules for this. Am I allowed to kiss you?"

Madeline blinked her eyes to allow the tears to fall. Just hearing him say the words, 'I'm about to lose you forever' shattered that last third of her heart. She knew it was true, and even spoke the words aloud herself. But hearing Elijah say it in his shaky voice, knowing he was barely hanging on by a thread, was just about the worst feeling there was.

She thought being the one to walk away from him this time would make things easier, but being the one to cause his world to fall apart after he'd hung onto hope of having her in his life in some measure, was so fucking painful she could barely breathe. Breaking someone's heart who you truly love was not easier than being the one to get your heart broken and left.

"I want this to be exactly how it would have been if we were together," Madeline finally told him as she wiped away the tears.

Elijah nodded, then his hand came up to drag his thumb across the remaining tears. "I know I asked you when you got here, but now that we're in this room, I'm going to ask you again. Are you absolutely sure about this, Madeline?"

Yes. No. Maybe. Undoubtedly. Absolutely not. Probably.

"Yes."

It seemed to be the only word Elijah needed to hear to press his quivering lips against hers. So many tears fell between them, but neither made a move to wipe them away. Instead, they collected, acting as a sort of useless barrier. Every time he breathed, his breath caught, then shook out. Every time she took in a breath, a small whimper came out.

Elijah placed a last kiss on her lips, then separated to lift the shirt from his body. Once it fell to the ground, he placed his palm against the tattoo. "I might never be allowed in your life after tonight, Madeline, but you will always be with me through every minute of mine."

And that's what broke her completely. Madeline's knees buckled beneath her, and she fell to the ground, breaking out into uncontrollable sobs. Every time she tried to take in a breath, it was like it was ripped away from her halfway through, leaving her gasping for one solid breath.

Elijah dropped to the floor beside her, cradling her against his body. "I thought I could do this, M&M. I thought I could give you this one thing. I wanted to. I wanted this part of you that no one's ever had before, as something I could hold on to for the rest of my life. Some proof that someone loved me. But I can't have your body, knowing I can never have it again."

Madeline nodded. She thought she could do this. She wanted this. Like it was for Elijah, she'd hoped it would give her something to hold on to forever, even if she could no longer hold on to him.

"I'm in love with you, too," she told him, her words coming out as a croak.

Madeline pushed herself off the ground, down the hallway, and tossed his two keys on the table. Maybe he was right after all. He'd offered her a clean break at the hotel, and she hadn't taken it. As she whispered goodbye to him, although he couldn't hear her, she could hear his own sobs coming from the other room.

They'd come to their end. As Madeline closed the apartment door behind her, she only hoped that somewhere, someday, another door would open for her. 

BOOK TWO:

Author's Final Notes:

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