A/N Thank you all for your continued reads, comments and likes. Really makes it all worthwhile. Happy New Year to you all, lots more promised for next year, MZx

Chapter Thirty Three

Sammy stood with her arms folded and looked at the room in front of her proudly. Another one finally finished, no un-emptied boxes, no dust sheets, just furniture, knickknacks and a lived in feel. The attic spare room was still a dumping ground, but downstairs was liveable, the kitchen, dining room and lounge were almost to her liking. Admittedly there were things she'd change, colours, carpets, but they were all in her long term plans.

Glancing to her left she spotted the monitor that was silent, the other end was next to Eleanor's bed upstairs, she'd been unsettled the first few days in her new bed, but now she was back in to a routine and seemed as happy here as her mother was.

Life was great, almost.

She refused to think about Joel, this was HER time and she didn't want memories of him intruding. She didn't want anyone intruding, but unfortunately, in just ninety minutes Clifford was arriving. He'd suggested meeting in town at the hotel bar for lunch, but he'd bought her this house, he deserved to see where his granddaughter would be growing up, so she'd invited him to her home.

And in not very long.

Sammy looked into the mirror that sat above the wrought iron fireplace and groaned. She was filthy, the scarf she'd used to tie up in hair was dusty and she had smudges all over her face. And then there was her clothes.

She was at the bottom of the stairs heading for a quick shower when there was a knock at the door. With a grimace she turned and made for the front door, it was the one that no one used, and it was awkward to open. So after a few heavy tugs Sammy almost fell over when the door finally gave.

Then looked up to see the ever immaculate Clifford stood in the doorway.

"My apologies Sammy, I am rather early. I had no idea how the traffic would be, then once I'd checked in to the hotel I was too excited to see your new home..."

He left Eleanor as an unspoken word, but she knew that he was more keen to see her than the house, when she agreed that they could meet over the phone a few days earlier, she honestly thought he might cry.

She swept a hand apologetically up and down her body, "sorry, still unpacking and sorting. I wanted to have a shower..."

He laughed, "don't worry for me. I'm here before you expected me."

Smiling she stood back to let him in, "we use the side door, that's why this one is so stiff."

Passing her into the small hall he nodded, "I'll remember for next time. This place is lovely."

Leading him in to the lounge she smiled, "thanks. I LOVE it. Eleanor's asleep, and I need a shower. I'll give you the guided tour of the ground floor," she laughed at that, "it will take about ten seconds! Then you can help yourself to coffee for a few moments?"

"Perfect."

Sammy's shower was super quick, then she dressed and managed to form some sort of calm with the mess that was her hair. As she was descending the stairs she heard Eleanor stir, and the dull sounds if her moving suddenly became a direct, "MA."

Chuckling she re-climbed the stairs and scooped her out of her cot, "you ok baby girl?"

"Ma ma ma ma!" She announcer rather proudly punctuating each word with a gentle smack to Sammy's chest.

"Really? You're beating me up now?"

Eleanor laughed as Sammy hugged her, then laid her on the changing table to clean her.

They appeared in the lounge, Eleanor wrapped around Sammy a few moments later and when Clifford stepped towards them, Eleanor looked up at her mother quizzically.

"This is your grandfather Eleanor. You going to say hello?"

She immediately buried her face into Sammy's neck, and she turned to Clifford, "she is anything BUT shy."

"You can't force these things."

She nodded and lowered herself to the sofa, he sat opposite her, "I brought her a dozen gifts, but I don't want to bribe her...if she hates me in half an hour then I'll resort to that."

Sammy smiled as he sat opposite her, "I'm really glad you're here...and it's not because of the house, though I'll always be SO grateful to you for all that you've done. I'm finding it hard, you know...without Marcus being the yin to my yang. I just want his influence in her life, for a while I thought that would be Daniel, I had no idea he was playing me..."

When she glanced up, Clifford had tears in his eyes, and she realised that Eleanor had tipped her head to watch him and as he grinned she waved at him.

"Worth it," he breathed, "just for that moment."

Within moments Eleanor had slid down to her feet and was hinting at moving in his direction.

The often stuffy Clifford was very soon sat cross legged on the floor drinking from a plastic teacup and eating wooden fruit with Eleanor and without a care in the world.

"What time have you booked a table for lunch?"

Sammy's question caused him to jump and she smiled as they both looked up at her. He glanced at his watch then grimaced, "in fifteen minutes."

She laughed, "it's ten minutes brisk walk."

The restaurant in the only hotel in town was the sole decent place to eat in town really. There were a few small restaurants that opened at night, but otherwise it was home a multitude of cafes, but if you wanted more than coffee and a sandwich or fast food at lunch time, the hotel was it. And of course Clifford had reserved the best table. A week before Christmas there were a few groups also booked for some form of Christmas lunch, but they were the only other patrons there.

Ellie sat in a highchair between them and was captivating her father in law. They had both ordered food, and the baby had started to tuck into her lunch before he turned back to her. Ever independent she was insisting on feeding herself rather messily, and it seemed a struggle for Clifford to draw his eyes from her.

"Sorry, I am a little preoccupied with this little lady."

Sammy smiled, "I know I'm biased, but who can blame you? I'm really pleased...to see the two of you...together."

She was shocked by how emotional she felt about the whole thing, here was the father of the man who never even had the chance to even know about her sat smiling at her antics. It was strange but it was wonderful too. She felt tears well; it was so tragic, so awful.

Clifford surprised her by reaching out a hand and covering her, "he wouldn't want you to still be like this, still mourning him. He'd have moved on by now, and he'd want you to do the same."

Sammy sighed, "it's not about moving on, not really. It's just about how cheated HE was. I feel sorry that it's you meeting Eleanor and it'll never be him, and I'm sorry for all that he's missing everywhere." She lifted her eyes to the ceiling for a moment hoping to control her emotions, "I've stopped feeling that desperation for his touch, I don't crave the smell of him anymore, but it has taken time. I just wish he had the chance to meet Eleanor...every time she does something new..." She stared at him, "I want him to see it, I want him to feel the love I feel for her, the pride...and I want HER to have a father who loves her."

That sent the much fought tears to finally course down her cheeks and she dropped her head for a moment trying to regain her composure.

Clifford gave a long sigh, "you never knew your father."

She shook her head, still looking down, "and I never had anyone else when things were bad."

"But you'll be a better mother than yours, she won't NEED anyone else, you'll see."

Sammy looked up at him, face still wet with tears, "you think? You REALLY think so?"

He grinned, "look at her."

They both turned to Eleanor who was chewing happily staring back at them both, she was covered in tomato sauce from her pasta, but she was smiling. Sammy instinctively reached for a wet wipe and cleaned her hands and face.

"She's happy, she's healthy, you can't ask for any more as a parent. It must be difficult making all the decisions yourself, having no one to share the load, but that would only mean that it's you who misses out, you are the one who is missing out on the support of a partner."

She almost sagged with relief. He understood how she was feeling, maybe it was the fact that he was dealing with all that Daniel had done, his mother dying, and of course Marcus, all without Margaret beside him, she wasn't sure, but he seemed to be the first person to actually vocalise exactly how she felt. And for a moment she felt as thought she'd collapse in a heap in the floor.

"I don't think I'm ready for that Clifford."

He nodded, "you may never be, but I hope I'm not a part of that decision."

She looked at him suspiciously, "I'm not sure what you mean."

"The other week, Joel..."

"Ah," she blushed. "That's not what..."

Clifford held up a hand, "like I said to him, I am not here to judge. But you were both awkward when I turned up. If your friends then I'm happy, but if you are more...I'm happy too, at no point am I in a position to judge. OK?"

She stared at him for a moment, "you spoke to Joel?" Her voice was a whisper.

At that moment the waiter arrived with their starters. It was a long moment before he answered her.

"I saw him yesterday. Lucky really. He's planning a big trip; I'd have hated to miss him."

Sammy froze, he was going away?

She swallowed her food awkwardly, "a trip?" The attempt at nonchalance failed dramatically.

Dropping her head to eat another mouthful of her suddenly tasteless asparagus, she could feel his eyes studying her.

"He's sold the business. Finally. About time he deserves some 'me' time, don't you think?"

She pondered that for a moment, then lifted her eyes, "yes. Yes he does."

They both ate silently until their plates were empty, then the lack of conversation was obvious. Sammy turned to Eleanor and fed her a yoghurt, then cleaned her up before she turned back to Clifford.

"Did he say where he was going?"

He shook his head, "funny really, but he didn't seem to know. All a bit unplanned. I wonder whether he'd really thought it all through. I'm not saying he's running away, but it's not really organised."

He let that hang between them, and she knew it was deliberate.

"He's scared." She eventually offered, just as their main courses arrived.

Nodding he waited for the server to disappear then added, "he hasn't really had anything until now. I mean..." he sighed. "He's had it hard since his parents died. His uncle is a wealthy man who couldn't be arsed to care for a child. So since the age of nine he was in boarding schools, almost permanently. Even holidays. Until he started coming to us."

Sammy paused mid chew, she didn't know much about Joel's past, and suddenly she was intrigued, with a slight nod she urged him to continue.

"Marcus gave him everything, or so he thought. He brought him into our family and filled in every one of those gaps in his life." He toyed with his steak for a moment, "or so he thought, but in reality he was the driving force behind everything that Marcus was. He thinks he's less without him, that alone he can't be enough. But he was always more than that; he was always more than a lesser half. But without Marcus he has no one left to bump him up, to make him feel better. He's lonely, he's got no direction...he needs someone, something. Maybe the holiday will help him find that."

Sammy was shaking, she didn't want to, but she couldn't control it. There was so much he was saying, SO many things that made her want to shout out. He was right, SO right. Instead she held onto that.

"It'll be the worst thing for him. He'll be even more lonely that way. He needs to work through everything."

Clifford shrugged, "that sounds reasonable. Maybe you need to explain that to him."

Cocking her head to one side, she stared at him for a moment, "are you planning something here?"

That made him chuckle heartily, "I've lost my mother and a son, my wife and remaining son are estranged, my daughters have skedaddled to North America to get away from the mess. I am merely looking out for those I have left. You may not have been in my family that long," he reached across and tickled Eleanor under the chin. "And you even less time." He finally looked back up at Sammy, "but you two, you and Joel are important. I want to make sure you're all happy."

There was almost a finality to his words, but she couldn't dwell on that.

"So you're giving me permission to find someone else?"

Shaking his head he reached for her hand again, "on the contrary, I am merely reminding you that you, and I said the same to Joel, you have the life to lead that Marcus didn't. And I don't want either of you hiding from that, or being scared of that. It's not what he would want, and it's not what either of you deserve."

Sammy dropped her eyes again; this had been one of the hardest meals she'd ever undertaken. She still wasn't sure she was ready to have this conversation.

"It's hard Clifford, I feel like I've stolen something from him."

"And I don't? I am almost sixty; I have lived almost TWICE as long as my oldest child. How can you rationalise that?" He sighed, "you can't, it's as simple as that. But I can sit at home and feel sorry for myself, or I can live life to its fullest, be a better man, be the BEST man." He smiled at her, "don't waste time on unending grief, don't throw away what he never had. That's all I ask. That doesn't mean don't be sad, of course. Just don't hold back, don't stop. Ok?"

Sammy felt awash with emotion, but there was truth in his words, "you said this to Joel too?"

He shrugged, "not in so many words. But I did tell he can't BE Marcus, for himself or anyone else."

She thought back to her conversation with Corinne, she'd said exactly the same thing; she had to want Joel, for him, not as a substitute for Marcus. She had to let Marcus go; properly...regardless of what happened afterwards. She had to let go because she needed to, not because she had to.

"I don't think either of us is ready."

He smiled, "you probably are more than you realise. Just think about it."

Nodding she glanced up at him, "he's really going on a trip?"

When Clifford shrugged, they both turned back to their meal.