Chapter Forty One

Joel was sat at the kitchen table at his laptop when he heard the back door open. Looking up he met Sammy's eyes and all his anger dissipated at the puffiness he knew was caused by her crying. Lowering the lid on his computer he kept his eyes on her, when she had negotiated the pushchair in to the room the sleeping Ellie wrapped up snugly in it, and closed the door he asked, "how was your mother?"

He saw that flicker of guilt cross her face, just for a brief moment, then she shrugged, she didn't deny she'd been there...she lied to him.

"Jesus Sammy, we have been in a supposed relationship for less than twenty four hours and already I'm a stranger to you, and you are lying to me. What the hell am I supposed to think?"

She blushed, "I saw Corinne..."

"But not your mother, who I presume is still sat at home expecting you to turn up, because I THOUGHT that's where you were going."

She slumped against the work surface, "I'm not lying to you. I just have a lot going on in my head."

"And you don't want to talk to me; you don't want that to share things with me, is that it?" When she shook her head, he laughed, "so I'm just here for the sex then am I?"

He stood, his anger palpable, this was as difficult for him as it was for her. He had his own demons, and he'd been stuck in the house with nothing to do but dwell on things. The fact that there were a few issues with the presumed 'done deal' of selling his business had done nothing to assuage the anger and guilt of his own.

"Joel, don't be angry."

He was facing her now, searching her eyes for the truth, for signs that she was about to treat him as a partner, "I'm not angry Sammy, I'm disappointed. This was always going to be a difficult transition, from an awkward friendship to lovers, but I had no idea that you'd shut me out at the first opportunity." He laughed at that, "or that the first test would come within twenty four hours."

At that moment Ellie woke, and Sammy looked awkwardly between the two, unsure of what to do, who to please first. And suddenly he hated himself, she was a mother, that was her most important role and he had no right to make her question that, to neglect her daughter on his account.

With a shake of his head, he reached for his coat, "I need to go out."

Sammy had fed Eleanor and was dressing her ready for a cold evening outside when she finally got over him walking out. She should have chased after him, should have called him...somehow she had to tell him that none of this was about him, that it was all her. But it was easier for the moment to bury her head in the sand and pretend that none of it was happening. And whilst Eleanor gave her gooey eyes she could easily do that.

It was a short walk to town, down the road to the harbour, then a left into the square that housed the hotel, a couple of pubs, and a market every Sunday. Tonight it was filled with stalls; all erected that day, selling caramelised nuts, mulled wine and hotdogs. Most of the town had turned out and stood around the well lit Christmas tree adults chatting and clinking glasses with 'cheers', kids rushing around the legs of the grownups playing chase and hide-and-seek. For Sammy this signified all that Christmas meant family, friends, community, all coming together.

As she purchased a glass of mulled cider, she preferred it to wine; she heard her name being called. Turning around, she spotted her mother winding through the crowd towards her smiling. She looked so much better than she had a couple of days earlier, and today she was sporting a new wig, glossy chestnut hair, hanging to her shoulders.

"You look good mother."

Monica stooped to smile at Eleanor, who gave a goofy grin back, then returned to her height, "I called earlier, to say sorry. For being so grumpy when you called around."

Sammy realised she meant when she'd arrived at her mother's house to find her ill, being sick and looking like death. Of all the times her mother had done wrong by her, been ride, ungrateful, neglectful...she chose the time when she REALLY needed her daughter's support to apologise.

"Hey, that's ok. We're getting there aren't we?"

It was a rare moment of Monica looking thoughtful, contemplative, "I haven't been the best mother, I know that, I can't even say I've been your friend. I know I don't deserve all that you've done for me."

She held her mother at arm's length, "what? My mother remorseful and caring?"

Monica punched her in the arm indignantly, it wasn't meant to have any malice in it, but Sammy was shocked at how feeble the attempt was. Her mother was gaunt, she'd lost a lot of weight...suddenly Sammy could see just how much this chemotherapy had taken out of her.

"You warm enough? It's cold tonight. Why don't you go over near the fire, keep warm?"

There was a fire in a metal bin that was being used to toast marshmallows for the children, Sammy tucked her arm into her mother's elbow and dragged her closer to the heat.

Joel thought he'd get drunk, but after spending two hours nursing one drink in one of the pubs, he realised that wasn't going to happen. She'd got so far under his skin, so deep into his heart that he couldn't walk away from her, but he couldn't function either. It was hopeless.

He stood in the street watching those gathered mingle; it set such a perfect Christmas scene. The following day was Christmas Eve, but he doubted that anything would be as festive as that evening. The last few Christmases he'd spent with friends...or alone. This was a whole different thing. And it wasn't until he stood there that the enormity of everything hit him. Thus was a huge change for him, being part of a family, he hadn't been since he was ten years old, then there was the impact on the two females he wanted to share his life.

This was huge, bigger than anything he'd ever known, and he was in the process of royally fucking it up.

"You look like you've got the world on your shoulders."

Joel turned to the voice to see Corinne standing a few feet away, watching him intently.

"Just a few things." She gave a knowing nod, so he added, "you obviously know what's going on?"

Her face became sad for a moment as she nodded a yes.

"You know what's going on and what she won't discuss with me?"

Her face changed completely, "you haven't spoken to her?"

He shook his head, "she just keeps running away, and then I try to make her speak, force her to talk to me...and all I do is fuck it up. Push her away harder."

Corinne put an arm around his shoulders in a friendly and supportive hug, "look, she's had the most traumatic time, losing Marcus hurt her more than she ever imagined, but she's over it, that was a big thing for her. But there's her mother, the cancer...and stresses, she worries. Stick with her, but BE there for her, please? She needs your support."

"You're scaring me, is there something wrong? What isn't she telling me?"

Corinne grimaced, "look there are things going on, things you need to know, but don't force her, please? Just understand."

He stared at Corinne for a long moment, her words sent terror into his veins, but he nodded in agreement, "I'd do anything for her."

She smiled then, "I know you would. You're good for her; you'll love her AND let her grow."

It was the second time that she'd hinted at some darkness in Sammy's marriage to Marcus, reaching out he stopped her walking away, "you didn't like Marcus?"

She contemplated that for a moment, then replied, "he loved Sammy, but he loved himself more, he made her drop everything for him, then she lost it all when he died. I don't see that in you. You'll make her better, not make her an extension of you."

He stared open eyed at her, "really? You trust me?"

Corinne nodded, "you're a good guy, you're what she needs. Now come on, they're waiting."

Looking in the direction of her pointing hand, he saw Sammy smiling, Eleanor in her arms waving, and even Monica looked at him pleasantly. But he only had eyes for Sammy. Despite her being wrapped up in a knitted scarf and a blue and red stripy hand pulled down over her ears, her nose was red from the cold, and her cheeks were flushed. She didn't need make up, she didn't need adorning, she was fresh, she was pure and she was beautiful.

He was a lucky man. With a nod, he offered Corinne his elbow and led her across the square.

To his family.

Within seconds of joining them, Joel had reached for her hand and entwined their fingers. She owed him the truth, and would tell him as soon as they were alone. But they were there to sing carols. He took Eleanor from him, and pulled her close, and there they stood singing and talking and sipping at warm drinks.

"I'm sorry Joel," she offered as they started the uphill walk home.

He smiled down at her, "me too. We both need a little time and space, there's bound to be some teething problems. And I guess we have to stop running away from that."

She nodded, "that's my fault."

Shaking his head he turned back to his task of pushing Eleanor up the hill, "nope. We're both having teething problems."

Half an hour later, Sammy came downstairs, Eleanor had gone straight to sleep, and she found Joel sat in the lounge watching an old sitcom Christmas special on TV.

He shuffled along the sofa and patted the seat beside him, and she slumped down next to him. His arm wrapped around her and she leaned into him.

"I had a great night," he offered, stooping to kiss the top of his head.

She turned her nose into him and nuzzled his shoulder, he smelled divine and as she inhaled she closed her eyes, "you did?"

She could hear the chuckle in his voice, "I did. Christmas...I've always hated it, but today...it was magical."

Leaning back she tilted her head to look up at him, "oh my, if you think that was special, just you wait!"

That made him laugh, and his lips dropped to hers, it seemed the right moment.

Sammy melted in to the kiss. She was going to tell him about the test, but now that she was in his arms, she just wanted to go with the flow, enjoy being with him. Taste him, touch him...

Within moments she was draped back across the sofa, Joel stretched out beside her, and she was divesting him of his warm sweater.

"Winter layers," he giggled against the soft skin at her neck. That made her laugh, and she looked up at him with a pleading look in her eyes. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing. Using your feminine charms to avoid discussing what happened today."

Giving her most innocent look, biting her bottom lip she watched his eyes widen with desire, then he groaned, "shit, you have me JUST where you want me."

She shook her head as her hands slid under his t-shirt, "not quite...but I'm getting there."

Joel let her lead the way for a moment, he wasn't about to let her go again, not physically and deficiently not emotionally. But for now he was happy to go along with her, in fact her determination to get him naked was the greatest aphrodisiac. Somehow she' moved to sit astride his thighs, fingers running over his chest lighting trails of fire on his skin. He wasn't sure that she was aware of how much she was grinding into his groin, but it was a fight not to push up and reciprocate. When she grinned, wickedly and reached for his belt all joking was pushed to one side.

Like a ravenous animal she tugged at his jeans, and it took every ounce of his self restraint not to help her, not to make things happen quicker. Lifting his hips he let her push his jeans over his hips, then almost swallowed his tongue as her fingers reached into his boxer shorts, wrapping around him, then squeezing a little too enthusiastically which made him gasp.

"Oops, sorry," she offered, but her smile showed she was less than sorry, then she lowered her head to take him in her mouth and all thought of apologies disappeared.

"Shit, you are amazing," he offered when he could finally speak, and he wasn't lying, he was falling apart in her arms, suddenly he didn't care that she had disappeared, that she didn't trust him, that she was still so distant. He was coasting on the luxury of satisfaction, of unrivalled pleasure and for a moment he wondered if that was her plan, but as he looked up at her, sultry, sexy, stretching out like a cat, he knew that it was his reaction to her, his inability to function, and his lack of self control that was the problem.

Reaching up, he slipped his hands under her t-shirt, slid them up her soft warm skin. She immediately changed from sassy tease to someone as lust craved as himself. He raised his hands slowly, enjoying the unhurried reveal of her body, inch by inch. She truly was perfect; all pale smooth curves and in stark contrast a jade satin bra.

"You have no idea of all the things I want to do to you!"

The words escaped his lips without any fore knowledge, and he was rewarded by a flare of her eyes and her lips parting in the most suggestive way. Sitting up, he brought his chest closer to hers, the reached out to trace the strap of her bra as it came over her shoulder and down the slope of her chest, when he reached the top of the satin cup, he did the same with the other hand, slow, measured.

By the time the second hand joined the first, Sammy was grinding against him thrusting those delicious breasts into his hands, needing him with the same desperation as his own. A quick move and a tug saw the garment fall away, revealing those even paler curves and the pink nipples that were hard, strained already. He'd never seen anything like it, and he was already hard...again.

Pulling her close he kissed her, hoping to calm himself, to slow down, but her tongue dallied with his, she challenged him on every level, and he thrived on it.

Tipping her back he lowered his lips to her perfect breasts and lashed his tongue around each one as she continued to wriggle against him, which was having an almost masochistic effect on him. Pulling his lips away from her, he looked into her glittering eyes.

"Not here, I want you on your bed, naked, stretched out."

His demand had made her body surge, but the reality, lying there in the half light, naked and completely open to him should have made her anxious, self conscious. But it didn't, as his head delved between her legs, as his tongue reciprocated the pleasure she'd indulged him with earlier, she felt powerful, wanton and very, very lucky.

She'd barely recovered, barely caught her breath and he was over her, she heard him wrestle with a condom, but could hardly focus for the haze of her own pleasure, and he was in her, pushing her back over the edge as she did all she could to meet his thrusts and cling on to him.

His arms were around her, the prickle of his chest hair against her back, his hard thighs under hers, cupping her close to him. Possessing her even in their slumber.

"We should have spoken before this."

He kissed the back of her neck, at her hairline, his fingers holding her curls away, exposing that erogenous area. "You don't have to tell me anything...just promise you'll not run away again."

She swallowed awkwardly, then turned in his embrace, "I always retreat when I'm scared."

His eyes sought out hers in the dark, "you're scared of me?"

Shrugging she dropped her eyes, "I'm scared of starting to love you...then losing you."

"I don't want to leave; I don't want to go anywhere."

She sighed, "but you will..."

"No one knows what the future brings, maybe this won't work, but I'm not going to give up on the off chance that it might fail, you can't either."

"I need to show you something."

Standing she moved to the dresser then found the letter. Handing it to him, she watched his eyes read it and the puzzlement on his face as he tried to take it in.

"I don't understand...this made you run away?"

He was staring up at her from his position in her bed and she wanted to cry, "don't you see what this means?"

"It means that you are potentially at risk of getting the same cancer of your mother, but we can know in advance."

"And I may have to have preventative surgery..."

He almost laughed, not quite, "what and you think that I'd leave you?"

She shrugged, "you said you love my breasts."

He laughed now, "I do! But I love them because they are part of you. YOU are the one I love, and if there's a way of stopping you going through what your mother is...then I want that, I want you, I want forever, I want this..." He reached out and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him so that his head rested against her stomach, "you are all I've ever wanted, you have to know that."

A tear fell from her eyes, landing on the back of her neck, and he looked up then shook his head, "you over think everything, don't you?"

Pulling her so she toppled on to the bed beside her, he nuzzled his nose into her neck, "I love talking to you, walking with you, even watching TV with you. I want you. In any way I can, for as long as I can, whatever that takes. Ok?"

She wasn't convinced it was that easy, but he had said he loved her, and that was the biggest shock.

"You love me?"

He laughed, "you doubt that? From Greece all the way to here. I forced myself to forget you, but you entered my heart a long time ago. And if it takes me to next Christmas I will show you just how much I love you. Ok?"