Chapter Forty

"Breakfast?"

They'd fallen back asleep after their early morning call, and as Joel reached for his watch, he groaned to see it was almost ten.

"Actually we may be too late for that, we can grab a breakfast sandwich from somewhere as we head home?"

Sammy tried to open her eyes in response, but failed, and that made Joel smile, stooping he dragged his lips over hers, then when she moaned, he sucked at her bottom lip. Instead of opening her eyes with indignation at her rude awakening, she threw her arms around his neck and thrust her tongue into his mouth. That caught him by surprise, and within moments they were savaging each other all over again. Without the barrier of clothes his mouth ran riot over her skin, her shoulder, then down to her breasts were he feasted greedily.

Finally lifting his head he looked down at her thrown back in rapture and grinned as her eyes slowly opened, "you have THE most amazing breasts...I could do this all day."

And with that he pulled her into his arms and rolled over her, and within seconds they were joined together again. More times than he could remember in one night, he felt like a horny teenager.

Joel watched Sammy rush into Corinne's house almost before the taxi had come to a slow stop. He hated that she was closing down to him already, he thought she'd find it hard once they returned to normality, but as they left the room, searched for a taxi, she had become more and more distant.

He paid the driver and then made his way in her wake to Corinne's house, hating that he was still in last night's suit.

Mike was there, making coffee in just a pair of pyjama trousers, Corinne was smiling as she watched Eleanor hugging Sammy as though she'd been away for a month.

"You want a coffee?" Mike called from the kitchen.

Joel followed him into the room and leaned against the work surface, "would rather a shower and a change of clothes, but cheers, a coffee sounds great."

Nodding he poured an extra mug and handed it to him, "you sort things out?"

Joel wasn't in a rush to divulge the details of the previous day to someone who was still a stranger, as much as he liked Mike, so instead he shrugged, "what in life worth having isn't complicated?"

Mike looked at him quizzically before nodding, "you are right Joel my man."

It was an almost torturous forty minutes, making small talk, drinking coffee, when in reality he just wanted to get back to the cottage. He wasn't coping with this at all because the longer they stayed and talked, the further Sammy moved away from him, physically and emotionally. He had to get her alone, reassure her that this was the right thing to do. That she didn't need to be scared, or back off at all.

"I'll drive you home," Corinne offered once they'd agreed to finally leave.

And that was how he ended up sat in the back of the small car next to Eleanor, the women up front gossiped all the way through town to the small house on the hill opposite.

Then Eleanor distracted when they got into the lounge.

"You mind if I shower first?" She didn't wait for an answer, instead rushing away from him...again.

Usually the scent of camomile relaxed Sammy, but as the shower beat down on her sensitive skin she felt anything but relaxed. It had all been going so well, she'd enjoyed every moment of it, and there had been a LOT to enjoy. But now...now she felt inadequate, worthless...a fraud. The bath sponge was abrasive, but not enough and she felt tears run down her cheeks into the torrent from the showerhead as she remembered his words as he'd pounced on her that last time.

Climbing out of the shower, she wrapped up in a towel then snuck across the hallway to her room. As she paced trying to get her head clear, she couldn't help or fight the drag pulling her towards the chest of drawers in the corner of the room. Eventually she marched up to it and pulled out the top drawer. There nestled beneath her underwear was the letter.

Unfolding it she re read the words that she'd almost memorised.

"...you are at risk of being genetically predisposed to breast cancer...simple blood test...counselling regarding the results...removal of tissue..."

She refolded it quickly, removal of tissue...it made her heart lurch with pain, dread and fear engulf her senses, she hadn't wanted to open her heart to anyone, losing Marcus had ripped her into pieces, but already she cared about Joel, what would he say, how would he feel if he knew that she wasn't what he thought, what he was expecting.

Eleanor was sat on Joel's stomach as she watched the Telly Tubbies. She gurgled as she bounced with excitement, he moaned each time but had no intention of moving, that was obvious. He'd taken his jacket off but still wore the shirt, thought her daughter's antics had seen in come loose from his trousers.

"Shower's free if you want it."

Lifting Eleanor and placing her beside him, he jumped to his feet then gave a shrug, "not going to bother...quite like smelling of you...and not sure it'll happen again."

It was her chance to reassure him that she wasn't running away from him, but as he stared at her waiting, she bottled it, instead giving a little smile before retreating to the kitchen.

"Sammy, really?" he had followed her. But then she knew he would. "You're going to do this, after all you said."

She sighed, "this is hard ok. Hard for me."

"A dozen times I asked if you were sure, you made out that I was being TOO concerned...then you go ahead and disappear...just when we need each other most."

"I am not disappearing."

He laughed at that, "no, you're not. You are just erecting barriers...YOU wanted this, YOU pushed me, do I have to remind you of that?"

She blushed, she didn't want to hurt him, but she was also hurting herself, "I just want to take things quietly, it's no one else's business..."

"Mike and Corinne facilitated the night."

She rolled her eyes, "they won't say anything."

"Who cares if they do? I know you've got to be careful with Eleanor...not to confuse her, but hell Sammy. I left that hotel this morning wanting to scream and shout from the rooftops that I'd spent the night with the woman of my dreams. That for the first time in my life I thought I knew what love was...and you do this?"

She gulped, nervous and anxious in equal measure at the words he'd used.

"I...er..."

"Don't bother...I'm going to go get a shower." He got to the door that led to the hall and ultimately the bathroom, but then with a grunt he stormed back to her, not stopping until their noses were almost touching, then sliding his arms around her he pulled her into a devastating, earth stopping, jaw dropping kiss. Maybe it was knowing where this was capable of going that made her so responsive to that, but she did...and it felt quite cathartic to give in to those desires. Lips challenging, fingers clawing...she'd never felt so desired.

Lifting his head he looked down at her, "you can't push me away, ok?"

"Will you just give me some time?"

He nodded, "you can have all the time in the world, just don't block me out. TALK to me."

When she inclined her head in a brief nod he smiled then left for the shower.

"Corinne can you meet me? A walk? Coffee? Anything?"

Her friend's voice was a husky chuckle along the phone line, "Sammy what have you done? I could sense the tension between you two when you were here, and you said NOTHING about what happened last night."

"I want to now," she offered.

Again Corinne laughed, "half an hour? Harbour Cafe?"

"I love you BFF."

Sammy was smiling as she hung up, and she was bundling Eleanor up into her winter suit when Joel came down from the bathroom, drying his hair wearing just a pair of jeans.

"I left my t-shirt in the kitchen," he offered, then spotted the two females getting ready to go out. "You're heading out?"

Sammy nodded nervously, "I have to check that I've ordered everything for Christmas dinner, then go see my mother."

He gave a knowing nod, "you want Eleanor to stay here with me? It's cold."

"It's ok, you relax, have some time to yourself. I won't be that long."

Despite his nod of agreement, she could see the hurt in his eyes, he knew she wasn't sharing things again, but he had to understand that this was her, this was how it was. It was going to be hard to be open, to split her chest and let another man take her heart and squeeze the life out of it. She wanted this, she wanted to pursue this relationship with Joel, but that didn't mean that she could drop into things as though she hadn't already been in this position and lost everything. When she was thinking about this, planning, wanting and needing Joel it all seemed easy. But now she was filled with doubt, anxiety, she was aware of all the zillion things that could go wrong, and because she couldn't control them all, she knew that she was retracting, making that distance that Joel was talking about.

"I won't be long," she offered, strapping Eleanor in to her pushchair. "I'll sort us dinner then."

They both had cold noses by the time they got to the Harbour Cafe, a modern, bright airy building that served the best sandwiches in town.

Corinne wasn't there, so she ordered tea and a pastrami and pickle sandwich, then took a seat in the window, it may have been cold, but the views were impressive.

"So girlfriend, what the f-ing hell is going on?"

Sammy looked up from her daydream to see Corinne stood in front of her with a mug of coffee and Sammy's sandwich. Placing it in front of her Corinne sat opposite her, "so?"

Silently she reached for the sandwich; still not sure she knew what to say.

"Sammy you are scaring me now. Was it that bad last night?"

She shook her head, "no, it was wonderful. We talked; we worked out what we wanted..."

Corinne took a gulp of her coffee then grimaced at the heat, "so it was perfect and you turn up at mine looking like you've had the fight from hell."

Sammy nodded, "it was all a bit awkward afterwards."

Corinne rolled her eyes, "you said it was what you wanted."

"And it IS! It's just..." dropping her head she hated that tears welled at her eyes. Corinne spotted the change in her friend and reached out to lay a hand on her elbow.

"What's wrong darling?"

Sammy lifted her head and sighed, "I've had another letter, about the screening thing."

Corinne looked confused for a moment, then the penny dropped, "the cancer screening? That's what this is about?"

Sammy bit her lip, "what if I have it? The dodgy gene."

Her friend smiled, "then we deal with whatever that means."

"But look at Angelina Jolie...she had her ovaries taken out...and both..." She faltered for a moment, "he won't if I have to have that done."

"Brad Pitt stayed, AND sang her praises. He loves her MORE because of it all. You're wrong."

She shook her head, "Angelina Jolie is one of the most beautiful women in the world."

"I cannot believe I am having this conversation! Joel is NOT the sort of man who will leave you because you have a mastectomy. He is so much more of a man than that, and he really likes you Sammy. More than he'd like Angelina Jolie. Tell him; let him help you through this."

She shook her head, "I can't do that. I can't expect him to hang around at my bedside whilst I'm becoming less of a woman."

Corinne suddenly snapped, "less of a woman? Listen you yourself Sammy. Do you see your mother as less of a woman now? Now as she's doing everything to fight cancer. Would Eleanor see her mother, who may have to have surgery but is fighting the chances of ever developing cancer and leaving her an orphan at a young age, will she see you as less of a woman?" She could see that Sammy wasn't taking the common sense from her words, but she was getting more upset. "What's the worst that could happen?" When she shrugged Corinne added, "look, you alive, well and loving life, being a friend, a daughter and a mother. THAT is the most important thing. If Joel can't handle this, and I think he more than can and would...then he isn't worth it, he's not worth you. You have been through the worst two years of your life; don't judge your future by the past. Please darling."

She squeezed both of Sammy's hands, and she offered a weak smile, "I don't want to love him...then lose him."

"You probably won't even have the bloody gene; you're probably worrying about nothing." Sammy tried to smile, but it was a real effort. Corinne smiled, "would you change the past? Would you choose to never have met Marcus so that you never had to lose him?"

She shook her head, "of course not."

"Exactly, you have memories, you have history, you have life experience because of your time with Marcus, yes it was cut short, yes it was heartbreaking. But you are lucky...you have Ellie..." they both glanced at the sleeping baby. "You had that time in London, and through Marcus you met Joel, who just might be the next love of your life. But he needs to know, you need to share it with him. That's what relationships are. If he can't handle that then there will be a hundred other things that he won't handle."

Sammy swiped at her eyes, hating that she'd had this breakdown, but SO glad that Corinne was there to help her. At that moment the cafe owner arrived with Corinne's lunch and they are quietly for a moment.

"You feeling better now?"

Sammy shrugged, "not sure." She tried a smile, "this morning...we couldn't drag ourselves apart, it was amazing..."

"That's perfect."

She shrugged, "he told me he loved my boobs. What if I lose them?"

If you lose them it's a blow to YOU, no one else. He won't fall in love with a pair of breasts, he'll fall in love with you, the funny quirky and caring woman that I know. If he doesn't...like I say he doesn't deserve you darling. But WE do, me, Ellie, even your mother. We want you for as long as we can have you. So you WILL have that test, as soon as possible."

Half an hour later they parted, Corinne returning to work, Sammy, home to face up to Joel.

"See you for carols tonight?"

Every Christmas on the night before Christmas Eve, the town gathered in the small town square next to the decorated tree and sang carols, drank mulled wine, and tried to enter the spirit of Christmas. It was the first time that Sammy had been back in town for it in years and she was looking forward to it.

"I'll be there."

Corinne smiled, "tell him when you get back, or I will. He NEEDS to know. I'll see you at six, yes? Bring your singing voice."