This chapter is dedicated to ShelleyBurbank who recently interviewed me for the "Ladies Of Life" club. The interview can be found under her profile in "Ladies of Life Interviews". If you want to know a little bit more about my life, my attempt at wisdom and my motivations about bringing you my stories, check it out.

13 - I Don't Want To Live Without You

I trace back and forth in the living room, my hand punching the wall before I spin around to take on the next lap. My knuckles are sore, a growl escaping my throat every so often. I am mad - at Rena, at myself, at my dad, really at life in its entirety. It has been a week since I came home to an empty house and my patience is dwindling. I want my girlfriend back and there is nothing else to it.

During the first few days, I tried my best to be remorseful. I rang her, begging for her forgiveness, but she just turned off the phone after my first call and refused to talk to me. The next afternoon, I went to her school, but she blew me off, giving me this bullshit story about needing more time. I kept my cool and never threatened her, realizing that things may have gotten out of hand a little in the past. My promises were blatantly ignored and in some way, I couldn't blame her. I didn't follow through before and truthfully, I am not even sure if I would have actually sought help this time around. After all, she was at least as much to blame as I, if not more.

My dad gave me some comforting words, reminding me that she was probably still mourning the death of the baby. Apparently, it had taken my mother years to get over my brother's death and she had only kept her sanity because she had to take care of me.

"Give her a few days to come to her senses." Those were my dad's word of advice which I followed.

I visited her once at the shelter where she is still hiding and saw Fallon there, that weasel. There is no doubt in my mind that it was him who convinced her to dump me. He has had the hots for her from the first moment he laid eyes on her, already acting all tough and possessive at the hospital the night she was admitted. Who does the asshole thinks he is, hitting on my girlfriend? He'd better watch his back because I will not take this lying down.

Not that I can blame him, Rena is a wonderful girl with all the properties to awake the protector instinct in a man. The thought of her in Fallon's arms is driving me close to the edge, my fist now pounding hard against the wall with conviction. I will not have Rena make a fool out of me. Her pretty face mocks me in my mind, she sticks out her tongue with glee.

'I have just been using you, Brent Parks, and now, I don't need you any longer.'

Imagining her like this pierces a dagger through my heart, the bile rising in my throat. She is such a bitch, but I still can't help loving her. Without her, there is this void in my soul that can never be filled. Somehow, I have to get her back.

I chew on my lip, trying desperately to come up with a plan and then form an idea. My mom never left my dad because she was totally dependent on him so I will cut off Rena. Cancel her school fees, maybe even box up her things and donate them to the Salvation Army. That will teach her not to mess with me. Fallon will soon realize she is an expensive toy to keep and hopefully not able to afford her. Working as a resident can't pay that much and he probably has student loans up to his ears. I high five myself in my mind and decide to go to bed.

The next morning, my guilty conscious stabs at me every so often - cutting Rena off without even telling her is quite rotten and may infuriate her even more. After another couple of hours of weighing my options, I finally convince myself that it's worth the risk and phone the secretary of her school. The call doesn't even last five minutes. The apology I make about not being in a position to support Rena any longer sounds halfway sincere and afterwards, I cancel the standing order with the bank. This will get her attention for sure.

The next twenty four hours are excruciating. The few times, the phone rings, I jump, hoping that it is Rena. In my mind, I act out different scenarios - from her ranting and raging to begging for my forgiveness. I prepare myself for pretty much every eventuality, just not for the one in which she doesn't call at all. Yet - that is exactly what happens.

At one in the morning, I give up and crawl defeated in my bed, tears streaming down my face. There is no doubt in my mind she has moved on, probably making love to Fallon right now. My heart throbs with an agonizing pain unknown to me, even my father's beating had never hurt that much. Life without Rena is pointless.

All night, I lay in the darkness and stillness of the room, my face buried in her pillow. The fabric still holds her scent and I weep, missing her more than ever before. The thought that I will never be allowed to hold her again, never feel the soft touch of her lips takes my breath away and I bite the palm of my hand to fight the pain. A few times, I scold myself that I am acting like a small whiny child just to wail the next moment when fresh tears pool in my eyes. The loss is unbearable.

The anger is forgotten and I blame myself for pushing her away. She is too perfect of a woman to be with a monster like me. My rage was justified, there was no doubt, but my actions had been too harsh. A fiancé cannot be expected to live up to the same expectations of a wife and I should not have hurt her the way I did. The bible was clear that those measures are reserved for a husband and father but before a woman has not made a full commitment, I could not enforce my rights as her ruling mate. Even my dad admitted that he had never struck my mom before their wedding since this would have been a sign of disrespect.

I take some sleeping pills and drift off in an uneasy slumber. Crazy nightmares pelt down on me - Rena laughing with a baby belly in Fallon's arms. They look good together. That constant sparkle in her eyes which had vanished these last few weeks is back and she seems incredibly happy. 'I love you, Doctor Fallon.'Her soft words chop my heart into a thousand tiny pieces. When she bends forward and they combine in a passionate kiss, I wake up with a startle.

My head is pounding, the back of my throat dry as cotton. I toddle down into the kitchen and rummage in the medical kit for some pain killers. My mind is still heavy from the sleeping pills I took a couple hours ago, but the pain raging through my body is too powerful to numb - the physical part, at least. Choking down four tablets in one go, a full glass of Whiskey helps transport the medicine to my stomach. After a few minutes, the room begins to spin and I sink to the ground.

My stomach rumbles due to the deprivation of food from the last couple of days, but I choose to ignore it. My appetite has been more than sporadic since Rena left and I have been surviving on crackers and chips, warm food a memory of the past. A hysterical laugh escapes my lips when I realize that I was finally beaten down.

There was no reason any longer to fight it: Without Rena, there was nothing left to live for.

I gaze at the medical cabinet and wonder how many of those pills I would need to take to end my miserable existence. It would probably not be enough, considering that the medicine is all available over the counter, but the right mix could at least knock me out for a couple of days and take this terrible pain away. I get up and begin to randomly remove the pills from its packaging, accumulating them on the counter.

The whiskey bottle is already half way empty when I decide to go for it. Scooping up the pills in my hand, I stuff them in my mouth and wash them down with more alcohol. After that I stretch out on the bed, waiting for sleep to overcome me. In that moment, I am not sure if I ever want to wake up again.

When my eyelids start to become heavy, I realize I haven't even said good-bye to Rena. My fingers fumble for the phone on the nightstand and I barely manage to push the speed dial button. It takes forever before she answers.

As soon as I hear her voice, I lose it. Tears spill from my eyes, my whole body shaking with sobs.

"Brent, are you there?" she asks.

The tears continue to run down my face. "Rena, I can't go on like this." My voice is hoarse and the slurred words almost inaudible. "I love you too much. Life doesn't make sense anymore without you."

There is a moment of silence. "Brent, I'm really sorry you are so upset." A shudder runs through me when I notice that her voice is trembling, maybe she still loves me a little after all. "I really miss you but I am just so damn scared."

She has every right to be upset - I was the one who got us into this mess. "I'm so sorry for everything. This is all my fault and I can't blame you that you stopped loving me."

A small sob echoes in my ear. "I never said I stopped loving you. I need time to work things out."

I don't want her to feel bad and reassure her that it is OK that she moved on. "I just wanted to tell you that it's OK if you and Fallon are together. He seems like a really nice guy and I don't deserve such a wonderful woman like you. I blew it big time, Rena."

The shrillness in my voice is a reflection of my soul, I can't stand the thought of her being with that jerk but I have to be strong for her. I don't want her to feel guilty and only come back to me because she feels pity for me.

"Brent, you need to calm down. Kade and I are not together. We are just friends." I can't tell if she is lying and it won't matter. If it is not Fallon, it will be someone else one day. I continue to weep, mourning my loss.

"It doesn't matter," I finally mutter. "Nothing matters anymore without you. I just called to say goodbye. Please never forget how much I love you and always will."

I cut the line when the nausea hits me and I don't even make it into the bathroom but throw up in the bed. My teeth clatter and blood rushes through my ears, the room spinning faster and faster. I get sick again and begin to crawl to the bathroom. This time, I make it to the toilet and vomit, my stomach heaving over and over until I choke on dry air.

I lean against the bathroom wall, staring into nothing. The room is going in and out of focus and I rub my eyes, trying to rid myself of the blurry vision. Fear begins to flame - what if the pills damage my brain? I could become blind or paralyzed - and maybe I did take enough medicine to actually kill myself.

I blink, wiping the cold sweat from my forehead. My whole body is shaking as I crawl back into the bedroom to find my phone.

"911 - what's your emergency?"

My mouth is dry - I couldn't tell her the truth or they would admit me to a mental hospital. It was a state requirement in a suicide case - we discussed that in class.

"I believe I accidentally overdosed on some painkillers."

"Are you at 4705 North Cornell Avenue?"

"Yes."

"We will send an ambulance, sir. Is there anyone else with you in the house who can assist you until they are there?"

Tears burn in my eyes. "No. I-I'm alone."

"Try to stay awake, sir. Help is on the way."

Fifteen minutes later, I am loaded into the back of an ambulance. The paramedics bag all the pill wrappers for the doctors to determine how best to treat me before we take off with blasting sirens. On the way to the hospital, a thought hits me - this is Fallon's territory. What if he is working today? I sure don't want him to examine me, but it could work to my advantage if he called Rena. Maybe if she thought I tried to kill myself, she will come back to me.

In the emergency room, the doctors stick a tube down my throat and pump my stomach before they dilute my blood with some medication. They ask a bunch of questions but I play dumb, claiming I can't remember anything. After confirming my health care coverage, I am wheeled into a private room and advised to rest. My overdose did not result in any permanent damage and a sigh of relief escapes my lips upon hearing the news. What the hell was I even thinking, pulling a stunt like this?

I am dozing, already half asleep when the door is torn open and Rena storms in.

"Rena," I croaked. "I'm so glad you are here."

She can't hold back the tears. "Oh, my God, Brent, what did you do?"

Breaking down on her knees in front of my bed, she buries her face in the sheets as sobs battle her fragile frame.

I feel terrible that I gave her such a scare and stroke her hair. "Don't cry, baby. The doctors said I'll be alright."

She raises her head, looking at me with teary eyes. "Why Brent? You should know how dangerous it was to take those pills." She clutches her hand to her mouth to suppress her sobs.

I can't hold her gaze. "I didn't want to go on without you."

She continued to cry at my bedside while I try to comfort her with soothing words, playing with her hair and trying to make her smile for me. Seeing her so broken and sad makes my heart cheer - she still loves me and can't live without me. There is no doubt in my mind that she has forgiven me and we can move on.

At some point, I pull her next to me on the bed and she snuggles against me. The nurse brings her some water at my request and she sips it, even managing a few giggles in between. The nightmare that haunted me these past days is soon forgotten when we start to talk, both apologizing to each other over and over. It will be a new beginning for the two of us and I promise myself I will not screw it up this time. She swears she will behave and not just run away again or make me angry.

When exhaustion finally claims me, she had already fallen asleep with my arms wrapped around her. This time, there are no nightmares - only the triumph that I once again conquered my princess's heart.

OK - now you know all about the suicide attempt. I know many of you thought that it was more planned and deliberate but Brent was really suffering. He may not have intended to kill himself but he was also not the manipulative jerk as many of you many have suspected.

Why? - Because he is still human. He is not a machine that is only out to get Rena. Abusers are very complex individuals but they have feelings like anyone else and get hurt and cry. There is a different side to them - the side that victims fall for and it is one of the reasons why they stay. It's not black and white and those relationships are not simple. That's why they are so dangerous because women are really invested in them.

Enough rambling - I hope you liked the chapter and please comment and let me have your thoughts. A vote would be a real added bonus if you liked this chapter. Thanks for reading.