Tara is gone. Her presence is still lingering around here like a ghost. Maybe she is haunting me because I couldn't keep her alive, like I should have done. Maybe I should've been paying attention more and hadn't let my guard down for a single second.

I wish that I could say we didn't get to say goodbye to each other, but we did. We got to say our goodbyes to one another; except, we didn't think it would be for the last time, though. It was, unfortunately, but neither of us knew it at the time. It should've been me. I know it now, and I knew it as soon as it happened.

I felt a pain in my chest — deep inside of my heart — just like I did when Paul died. It was this horrible pain, the worst I have ever felt before. She was my best friend, and I would even say sister, but maybe we loved each other too much for that. People came and went all the time, but she was supposed to live forever. It was the promise we made to one another, how we would live forever together.

Nobody can live forever, but... We would grow old together, but she left me behind so she could die young.

I have never, ever had such a strong friendship with anyone like I did with Tara. Our friendship lasted longer than any I have ever had before. We clicked... right at the very start. We were meant to be best friends forever.

One question I do have is... What am I supposed to do now? She's gone, and I'm still here, and all I want is for her to come back. We had all these plans, and now she's gone — and we can't do those plans anymore. What will I do now that she's gone forever? I really and truly have no idea; but, somehow, this pain is one of the worst I have ever felt before in my whole entire life. I just lost my brother and, now, I have lost my best friend, too.

My girls will be better off without me. I have convinced myself of that. Mollie knows how to take care of herself and Tara Rose. Still, I would like to ask either Aaron or Daryl to look after them for me. Aaron probably will, but Daryl will stay bitter. No matter what, I will never make that man happy for as long as I live. And, yet... I always seemed to miss him when he was gone and looking for signs of life of Rick before.

Y'know, Tara Rose came to me earlier... I couldn't believe it, considering how she likes to isolate herself as much as I do whenever we lose someone. She came to me and said, "I don't want to be called Little T anymore." I asked her why, and she responded, "Because Aunt Tara isn't here anymore. I'm Little Tara, and she was Big Tara. Now, she's not here, and I'm nobody anymore."

She is so smart and sad for her young age, and I tried to tell her that Little T could stand for Little Tess, too, but she didn't think of it the same way. I think we both know it should've been ME up there than Tara. She knew how to take care of my girls better than I ever could.

I fooled myself into thinking I could actually be happy without my brother around, as long as I had Tara. Then, just like that, she was taken away from me, too. As much as I want her back, all I want now is to be with her again. Maybe there is a place up in the sky for everyone who has died along the way. Hopefully, I'll find signs of their lives out there. What if Rick is there, too?

I'm an idiot and I'm so selfish. I'm stupid and horrible. I deserve to die after this. I can't keep anyone alive for shit. No matter how hard I try... It'll never be enough, and neither will I, either. Bury me between Paul and Tara at Hilltop, exactly where I desire to be. I want to lie between them, my brother and best friend.

For who finds this... I'm sorry, but what can I say? The pain was too great to bear. I have dragged myself around this Earth long enough, hoping and praying to be cured of this depression. And, no matter what, I always lost. I lose everything and everyone, and I am so honest-to-God sick of it.

Mollie, sweetheart, if you ever read this, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I love you. I do, honey. I love you so much. This depression of mine has been around longer than you have, and it'll never go away. No matter how hard I try, I will never truly be free from this sickness. It is worse than any set of teeth that can sink their way through my skin and infection through my blood.

You and Tara Rose were always the two people who I never wanted to fail. And, yet, I did. I have failed you both, and you two don't deserve this whatsoever. You deserve to be happy and free as well, but you can deal with your losses better than I can. And, yet, when you two stumbled into my life... I suddenly wanted to live, but Paul and Tara are gone now, and this changes everything for me.

You see, before the turn, people used to take their antidepressants for all their sadness and, in reality, they could take them all they wanted to, but as soon as they stopped taking them... Reality catches up to them, and they're right back to being sad again. For me, I didn't have access to those, so I had to depend on others to keep me at bay. And, when everyone started to die... It was like all my pills were gone, and I didn't have any to keep me happy anymore. Then, for the split moment after Paul died and right before Tara's death, I decided to put all my happiness right into her and, when she died... So did my happiness, too.

I hope you can truly understand, sweetheart. It wasn't anyone's faults — but those who caused the deaths onto my family. It certainly isn't your fault or Little T's, either. It is my own because I have chosen to end my pain before it can spread through my whole body again.

Mollie... I love you so much. I love you, and I love Tara Rose so much, too. I love you both more than my next breath. I just want to... rest for a little while. I want to truly rest for as long as I can. I am so sorry, but I love you both and never blame yourselves for this.

Please forgive me, Mollie. I am so sorry, sweetheart.

Goodnight, girls. We will meet again... someday.

Forever Yours,
Tess Rovia

—

– MOLLIE ROVIA –

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-
-

➳ I sucked in the last tear after reading the suicide note of my mother. I keep hearing it over and over again. We're so sorry for your loss, Mollie. Nothing even matters anymore.

I folded the papers back together like they were before and put them away deep inside of my backpack, hoping I wouldn't have to read them ever again. It hurt too much to think she was in this much pain that suicide became her one and only answer.

I glanced up from my backpack and looked right at the bed next to me, where my mother was lying flat on her back and practically lifeless. She was hooked up to some machines — which were practically breathing for her. Her life was spared... But at what cost?

She was alive, but in a coma. She lost too much blood in such a short period of time. Somehow, Saddiq came and stitched her up right in time. She is expected to wake up, but it all depended on whether it was not if she wanted to wake up or not.

I was upset, of course; but, more than that, I was pissed completely off. She left us behind — me and Tara Rose. She left us, and now, we'll be without our mother until she is good and ready to wake up again.

I stood up and threw the chair out of my way before facing her again. "You know what, Mom?" I started to yell to her unconscious body. "Maybe you should just die! I can take myself of myself and Tara Rose, no thanks to you!"

Then, with that said, I stormed out of there and took in my outer settings. I keep forgetting we were still at the Kingdom, only days after the passing of all our friends and family. Since then, this place has been as bland and quiet as a graveyard.

The rot has spread, the failing boiler is starting to break more and more, and it is becoming even more apparent that it can not be repaired. Rumor has it, Ezekiel is going to shut this place down for good and move on to the Hilltop — him and his people.

Nevertheless, after I stormed out of the infirmary, I noticed the cold was coming. One of these days, the snow will finally come, and Henry won't be here for it. Nobody will.

I spotted Saddiq talking to Aaron and Daryl; most likely about my mom. I passed right by them and blurted out, "Let her die. That's what she wants, after all."

I didn't stick around for their comments, but I did hear someone running towards me before they grabbed my arm, yanking me around to face them. "Why would you say that 'bout your mom for?"

With all the anger building inside of me, I growled under my breath and snapped back at Daryl, "She's not my mother, Daryl. She's just some woman who took me in when I had nobody else. She wants to die. Don't you understand that? Maybe we should just let her."

With that said, I stormed away again, and, this time, he didn't stop me.

- - -

➳ TARA ROSE is playing with Judith before she has to go back to Alexandria, and my little sister is smiling; as if we didn't just lose everyone just the other day. Children can do that, though. Forget everyone and everything, just like that.

And, yet, when it is real quiet and late at night... She remembers, and she cries for them. She still doesn't understand what's wrong with Mom, though. Maybe it was better this way — she doesn't understand.

"Hey," I heard someone call out just as Daryl appeared in front of me. "Why did you say that 'bout your mom earlier? You don't care or something?"

I stood up and snapped again, "Why do you care? You have barely spoken to her in years, anyway. Well, unless you have something terrible to say to her, though. Right? Am I right? Yeah, I am. So, why don't we give her what she truly wants and end her life for her? Let her rest, Daryl. She's at peace now, so let her go. I already have."

I tried to leave again, cutting this conversation short again, but he grabbed my arm and yanked me right back around to face him again. He got right down in my face and spat, "No. You're not going anywhere else, little girl. You're gonna listen to me now. Tess isn't allowed to check into our lives and check out whenever she doesn't feel good anymore. Nobody gets to do that in this life. That's the easy way out, and she isn't going out like that. I won't let her!"

"Fuck you, Daryl," I threw what little fight I had left back in his face with gritted teeth, spitting out straight venom. "Just let her fucking die already! If she wants to leave me and Tara Rose behind, let her. I am so fucking done with it! She isn't the only one who lost someone back there! We all lost Tammy Rose, Enid, Aunt Tara, and Henry, too! We all lost someone back there, so what gives her the right to leave us behind, too?! So, if she wants to take her losses and die with them, then let's give her what she truly wants. As far as I'm concerned... She's already dead."

Again, I tried to storm away, but Daryl was right there to yank me back once more — but I didn't have any of it. So, I fought back with my words, "No, fuck off already! Leave me alone. I can take care of myself and, most importantly, can take of my sister, too — no thanks to her, by the way! She wasn't ever truly there, y'know — only when she wanted to be. How can I grieve over someone who chose to leave us behind, huh?"

He is very quiet for a moment — just like the rest of this place — and just stared me down until he finally inserted, "She isn't dead."

"Yeah? Well, she will be," I bluntly replied back, the anger boiling to the very top now. "It's only a matter of time before her whole body shuts down." Daryl's face hardened when I said it. "She's already dying, Daryl. Let her."

Then, before I could start up again or Daryl to fight back, Saddiq came running and yelling out of the infirmary. Arms up in the air and waving around frantically had just about everyone running towards him in question and concern.

"Help!" Saddiq yelled out, and before I could control what I was doing, I went sprinting towards him with Daryl in tow. My heart was frantically racing with worry.

Saddiq ran in before any of us could, but Daryl and I were right there with him just as Aaron flew in after us. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw my mother lying in the bed and shaking frantically. I nearly mistook her as a brand new Walker until Saddiq pushed her over to the side, and she had foamy stuff coming out of her mouth.

"She's having a seizure," Aaron panically announced, helping him turn her over to her side. "She has to go through it."

Saddiq faced him and countered, "Yeah, but she could die if she doesn't wake up soon."

For whatever reason, when he said this, my heart fell to the very bottom of my stomach. It's real, isn't it? She's going to die, huh? Just like that? No, she's not going to die. No.

"She's going to dehydrate and probably starve, too," Saddiq continued, which nearly made me want to puke everywhere. He finally laid her back down on the bed after she went through her seizure. "We don't have the proper medical stuff to treat her with here."

Aaron pursed his lips and kept his eyes wide at Saddiq with questions written all over his face. "Does Hilltop or Alexandria—?"

Saddiq quickly shook his head and claimed, "No. It's unfortunate, but... We just don't have the equipment right now. W-We could go on a run, but... I don't know just yet."

Then, just like that, I was back to being the small little girl who I always tried to keep hidden inside of myself. I tried to muffle my cries with my hand by slapping it over my mouth, but it wasn't enough. They all turned their heads and stared at me until I finally shoved through them and came to my mother's side, grabbing her hand and facing Saddiq.

"Don't let her die! Please? I need her!" Then, to Mom, I begged, "Is that what you wanted to hear? I need you. Don't die, Mom. I am so sorry for what I said. Don't leave me. I'm so sorry, Mom. Don't leave us... Please. Oh, God, don't take her away from me, too. I need her. Please..."

Daryl had come up behind me with tears in his eyes, too, and some even escaped and slid down his cheeks. He can't seem to hold himself back, seeing me finally break down. I held onto my mom's hand and squeezed it for dear life.

"I won't ever leave you again, Mom," I whispered down to her, slowly taking the stray hairs out of her face with my free hand. "I'm right here, okay? I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I'm right here, Mommy, and I will never, ever leave you again."