https://youtu.be/FzKJ9-3MQBc

Family, they form our whole identity whether we like it or not. The power of the blood streaming through our veins keeps us alive and without a strong support system to grip onto like an infant with their favorite blanket, we would simply be nothing without it. Perhaps not a blank space completely but emotionally, your left numb. We've all been there right? 
After all, our mothers raised us and nurtured us into this world with the tools necessary to thrive but some of us just lose our instruction manuals along the way. Ava was no stranger to this, in-fact her journal for therapy was rammed with one distinct theme: Disappointment

Going astray from your family can feel like an agonizing punch to the face, and considering this was her third relapse now Ava closely identified with this. Between a rocky road into the darkest depths of self harm and vicious arguments to protect the demons manipulating her brain, Ava had felt lost as if she was stranded in the middle of a desert. Alone, but never truly lonely. There was enough water to survive but not enough to live. The things she would do just to truly live again and earn her trust back in the family. The more she spiraled into a personal hell, relationships including family just crumbled away and now was time to rebuild those duct-taped foundations, one pillar at a time.

This is where therapy comes in. This rodeo around, her mother didn't visit officially for the first month to instill the seriousness of the situation into Ava's warped mind. Frustration may have driven this decision but ultimately it's what motivated her to actually try.  Parched from contact with her own, Ava had been forced to make bonds in the unit which was an insightful experience. I suppose it's too easy to deny your own health or delusions but in someone else who looks just like you? Nobody with any sense of sympathy can manage that without desiring change...

The visit room was prepared for Ava with a country style wooden coffee table and two comfortable chairs. Motivational quotes were forever engraved onto the walls, almost symbolic of the eternal reminder of her stinging scar tissue. There was a clinical atmosphere with a bland light grey wallpaper and clunky white windows that was decorated with pale blue blinds. Biting her nails, Ava waited for her mum. There had been progress since she was admitted but the obstacle of regaining her reputation had been harder than she expected. 

*Nervously anticipating her visit, Ava glanced around the quotes on the walls for what felt like the thousandth time. A comfortable silence filled the environment as the door swung open with a familiar Boosh!*

As her mum approached the table, a warm smile washed over her face. Her dangling visitor badge clanged as she moved, smothering her blurry ID over her button up shirt. She lazily positioned herself into her chair, reaching out for Ava's icy hand.

"Hey sweetie, how have you been?", she asked, smiling softly.

*grabbing her hand tightly* "Fine I guess, dinner still sucks", remarked Ava.

*bites her lip*, "I know but you can get out of here sooner if you complied more. We are all tired of this cycle and it's obvious you aren't going to help us yet", her mum replied.

Ouch! And that is the hard truth for many sufferers unfortunately. Ancient Greece wasn't made overnight but with time it transformed into the stunning setting it's known for today. In a similar fashion, trust can't be formed overnight. Once it is breached, there is a permanent scar that slowly withers away. Like the permanent effects of Ava's razorblades, this would be eternal.

"But mum I've been doing it, I don't want to disapoint you anymore. I want to get out of here, I still have an A level to finish", pleaded Ava.

*Tears starting to form in her mum's eyes* "I want to believe that, we all do sweetie. Your friends still ask about you and it's horrible telling them I can't let them see you. Show me your progress report", she insisted.

*Fidgeting, Ava reached for her progress report that she had squeezed into her pocket. Her mum swiftly snatched it off her, clear concern clouding her mind. Ava held her breath like a scuba diver immersed into the depths of the ocean- could she make her proud? Could she prove herself, prove the change that she felt in her newly unlocked heart?*

"Hmmm, muttered her mum, satisfactory only for Friday and Saturday. This is why you are here young lady, we can't trust you. But we want to trust you, do better then we can talk about going back to college. Deal?"

*desperation filling her lungs, like she was about to drown* " I promise mum, I love you" Ava uttered, loosening her firm grip to form a fist under the table.

"Sorry, It's just hard", stuttered Ava, she could feel her eyes brimming with a copious amount of tears so looked down at the floor.

*firm* "I love you but you need to earn it. Be good now.", proposed her mum before walking out.

*The door slammed shut with a draft, making a loud bang. It was almost symbolic on how that visit went- a disaster. Attempting to hold back her tears until she reached her room, Ava scurried over to her bed and closed the door behind her which made Lucy jump*

Ava didn't even stop to give Lucy any attention, not even one look. She slammed herself onto the bed and broke down into the pillow, spilling her heart out. Those words, she could be trusted. She WANTED to be trusted. Why was this happening to her?
Anxiety dominated the situation until Lucy tried to hold her hand and waited patiently until Ava grasped it so hard that she could barely breathe.

"My mum doesn't trust me. I just want to go back to college!", cried Ava.

Extremely sympathetic for her, Lucy took a minute to think before speaking. "Our mums just want the best for us and their doing it wrong", she finally said.

A sorrowful silence plagued the girls until Ava recognized the truth of this and nodded her head, letting go of Lucy's now sweaty palm. It is a complex struggle and if the girls even felt like morons sometimes when explaining their sickness, no wonder their parents are just as lost. It's not like there's  a parenting guidebook to prepare them for these problems, so why should they get all the blame? Nobody should get the blame, (doubt CAHMS would listen to this though, the biased twats).

"So, did you receive anything yet from your mum Luce?", asked Ava once she calmed down enough to sit up.

*hanging her head in shame* "No", she replied.

"That's odd, normally you get stuff. Have the staff said anything?", queried Ava.

"Nah, Martha's on duty with the student. Nothing that's not urgent isn't getting done today. So, what exactly do you need to do for your mum?", responded Lucy softly. It was like treading in deep water but she trusted Ava enough for her to not be punched in the face.

"No NGS, extra snacks and top marks for meals. Typical shit that got me in here", Ava whined.

"Hey, don't be so down. You can do it, we can do it. What's that horror film  you were watching last week with the butterfly poster?", Lucy answered, avoiding the topic of her mum completely. Boundaries do exist for a reason.

" The butterfly effect?", asked Ava.

"Yes that, if one flap of a wing can cause a typhoon just think about it. Think about US. If we both try hard and follow all our treatment, over time we should in theory be able to beat Ana for once and for all. Our final battle", emotionally spoke Lucy.

*Ava hugs her, suffocating her skinny chest* "Yeah, but together. Without you, I won't do it. Promise?"

"Yes, I love you"

"I love you too"

The girls headed out a few minutes early for community after talking for a little bit longer. Time never exists here anyway, not like they were going to know. extending Charlie into their promise before dinner, they walked together and got top marks on the carbs.  Rallied together by a joint desire to archive this chapter of their lives, they had formed a mini army. This army was allied via hope and dreams, not violence. Well of course violence against their demons was highly encouraged, Jeez even their fairly conservative mothers were egging them on to exorcise them.

 After food, Lucy and Ava relaxed in their rooms and sneaked in some TLC when Martha had gone off duty. However, tonight was different for Ava. With gasoline on the fire ready to kill Ana for good, she was more optimistic. If only one flap could cause a typhoon, then maybe her liberty would have been restored tonight. With enough added fuel and anger, it would be possible but a piece of the puzzle was still missing. That was her family bond, as long as her community didn't trust her then was she just a nobody?