#BWB25

I woke up in pursuit to live the life I've ever wanted, but I found myself lying on the floor in my empty apartment. My body is positioned sideways with my head placed on my left arm while the right rest on the cold floor. I wanted to change positions but I didn't have the strength to do so.

I was enveloped with silence. I didn't move nor speak. I swallowed hard but it hurt because my throat was dry. I couldn't even feel my own body anymore. I'm like an empty vessel without any soul.

The ray of moonlight from my windows was my only source of light in this dark room. I shivered when the cold breeze touched my skin. My mouth felt dry. I forgot the taste of water. I licked my dry lips and tasted the metallic blood from it. And my heart, I couldn't feel my heartbeat even if I'm hugging myself.

Am I dead?

Is this what depression feels like?

I want to get up but my body just wouldn't move. It's like I'm glued to the floor. And so, I allowed myself to lay on the floor for five minutes more. I stared blankly at the kitchen counter in front of me. I was still half-asleep. Thoughts empty, just me, forgetting that five minutes have already passed.

I noticed that my phone is just beside me. I took it and checked the time. It was 3am in the morning. I closed my eyes because I was blinded by the low brightness of my phone but I opened my eyes again because I didn't want to fall asleep.

My empty thoughts was replaced by the sound of soft and indie music of my apartment. I was now aware of my five senses. I looked at the old record player on top of the counter.

Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex was playing.

I forgot that I played a vinyl to that old record player that's originally in this empty apartment.

Got the music in you baby. tell me why

Got the music in you baby, tell me why

You've been locked in here forever and you just can't say goodbye.

One thing led to another, I found myself slowly getting up after ten minutes of gathering my strength and my purpose to do so.

I walked towards the kitchen with bare feet. I felt colder than before. I went to the fridge and opened it. I saw my left over bowl of oatmeal, a unwrapped sandwich, and a bottle of half empty milk. I checked the milk if it's spoiled already, and it is. I got irritated by the smell so I immediately put it back. I just went with the oatmeal and sandwich.

I wiped the dust first off the kitchen counter before placing the food. And then I sat on the wooden stool. I heard it creaked. It must be broken. I didn't mind anymore. I stopped when I saw the unopened bottle of alcohol and a pack of cigarettes. I don't know why but I just both those two items yesterday. I still haven't touched it.

Oh

When you're all alone

I will reach for you

When you're feeling low

I will be there too

I moved it to the side and began to eat meal. Even if I have no appetite, I forced myself to eat for me and my baby. I couldn't taste anything at all. I just know it tasted awful. I coughed when I realized that I should have drank water first. I immediately got myself a glass of water and drank it straight.

I feel better.

I continued to eat my oatmeal. I felt full but I chose to ate the sandwich too, because I know that oatmeal wasn't enough for the both of us. The sandwich, I prefer it. It slowly starting to fuel my energy back. After I ate, I drank another glass of water. I put the dish on the sink and threw the sandwich wrapper on the trash. I turned around to see the bottle of alcohol and the pack of cigarettes again. I was tempted.

I got myself a glass. I opened the bottle of alcohol and slowly poured it unto the glass, watching it starting to fill up. I stopped when it reached half of the glass. I then opened the pack, took a cigarette and put it in between my lips. I held the thin neck of the glass and slowly swirled it. I was tempted to light my cigarette. I have a lighter inside my pocket.

I sat again on the stool while staring at the glass. Biglang umilaw ang phone ko sa tabi ko. Kinuha ko iyon at nakita ang isang notification. I opened it and saw a birthday message, or so I thought.

Happy fucking birthday to the queen of slut, none other than Victoria! Let's all congratulate her for being the biggest slut and whore in our generation.

Below the greeting was a picture of me. They edited it and put a bunch of ugly drawings. I have a anti-fan page on facebook. It was created by my haters. It now has over a thousand members. They kept on tagging me and messaging me with hate comments. It came to a point where they hacked my account and posted sensitive photos to ruin my image. I was attacked, bullied, and tortured.

I forgot that today is actually my birthday, November 1st. If they didn't greet me then I wouldn't have known.

I couldn't help but to read some of their messages.

November 1st birthday ni Victoria? Di ba araw ng mga patay rin yun? Pakamatay na siya kamo.

We are all praying for her dead soul.

Weird how Victoria suddenly disappeared in social media. She's not active anymore. Maybe she's really dead.

You should kill yourself bitch!

You don't deserve to live!

Wala kang kwentang tao. Mamatay ka na.

Instead of receiving birthday messages, I received death threats and more hate comments. No one wished me a genuine greeting.

I turned off my phone because I couldn't handle it anymore. I placed my elbows on the counter and ran my fingers through my hair.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

I swallowed hard and immediately took out the lighter from my pocket. My hands were shaking while trying to light it. Nang masindihan ay hindi ko iyon hinithit. I removed it and watch the flame slowly consuming the cigarette. I then threw it on the glass of alcohol in front of me.

I closed my eyes and unconsciously, tears began to roll down my cheeks. I'm fucking tired of crying. I thought I have no tears left to cry anymore. I thought I'm already used to the hate. Hindi pa pala. Masakit pa rin pala. Mas lalo lang silang lumala kaya mas lalo lang rin akong nasasaktan.

I wiped my tears and rubbed my belly. "Hi b-baby. Can you...can you greet a happy birthday to mommy?" I said in a small voice

I cried even more when I felt her small kick. A faint smile rose from my lips as I taste the salty tears between them. I sniffed and caressed my belly gently. "Thank you baby. I love you. I love you so much. Always."

Malungkot akong ngumiti at kinantahan din ang sarili. "Happy birthday to me. Be strong Tori. I hope you can take care of yourself and your baby well now that you already turned twenty," my voice was uncontrollably shaking

At the end of the day, I got no one but myself.

I was left with nothing but myself.

Nadapa ako at kailangan kong bumangon at tumayo sa sarili kong paa.

I woke up early the next morning to prepare for work. Eversince I found out that I was pregnant, I dropped out of school and moved in an apartment. My parents didn't kick me out. It was my decision because I wanted to live in peace. My parents can't do anything about it anymore. It was hard for me to earn their trust again and support. Hindi ko na rin sinabi na suportahan nila ang anak ko dahil ayokong maging pabigat sa kanila. But if they will, then I'd gladly accept it, but it's okay if they don't want to either.

Pinag-isipan kong mabuti ang naging desisyon ko na mag-drop. Hindi ko natapos ang second semester namin. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko kayang tapusin ang natitirang buwan ng school year kahit pa na gusto ko. Ang dami kong rason kung bakit hindi ko kayang pumasok at dahil nga iyon sa sitwasyon ko. I didn't want my classmates to know either. I'm sure my situation will get worse, especially for the baby. And besides, who would even want to see a student wearing maternity clothes in school? Alam ko namang huhusgahan nila ako e.

For the sake of my mental health and for my child, I had to sacrifice. It was an extremely tough decision. I had an emotional breakdown but I knew it was the right decision to make.

For once, I want to choose myself first. Hindi lang ang sarili ko ang binubuhay ko kundi ang anak ko. I didn't want to be selfish.

I looked at myself in front of the mirror. Nahirapan akong suotin ang uniporme ko dahi medyo masikip. I'm on my second trimester now. My baby bump is only showing now. I don't look Like I'm pregnant because I'm petite and skinny. I've gained weight too. I'm 50 kilos now. I'm happy about it.

I turned sideways to look at my belly. Mukhang busog lang ako. Unti-unti na ring sumisikip ang pencil skirt ko. Inayos ko naman ang puti kong blouse. I smiled weakly and squished my breats. "Well, at least I have boobs now."

***

"Excuse me Miss. May size medium pa po ba kayo nitong dress?" may lumapit sa'king isang babae

Kinuha ko ang dress na naka-hanger. "Ah, yes po. Wait lang po ah. Checheck ko po sa stock room," I smiled

"Thank you Miss."

I'm working at a mall now as a sales lady. It was hard for me to find a decent job because I'm still undergrad. Walang gustong kumuha sa'kin at isa pa ay dahil nga rin sa naging scandal ko. In the end, I was still lucky that at least I found one, kaysa naman sa wala. I have to earn money in order to pay my rent, my baby and my needs. I'm saving up now for our future. I even sold my designer bags and clothes na hindi ko na ginagamit.

"Eto po oh," pagkabalik ko ay inabot ko sa babae ang damit

"Ayan. Thank you ulit Miss," she smiled

"You're welcome," pinanood ko siya habang patuloy na naghahanap ng ibang damit

Naramdaman kong nangangalay at sumasakit na ang paa ko dahil sa heels ko. Isa pa ay halos ilang oras na akong nakatayo. Ang hirap din pala ng ganitong trabaho. Buong araw ka nakatayo at nakatunganga. Hindi masyadong marami ang customers ngayon kaya hindi ko maiwasang mabored, pero wala akong choice.

Sumandal ako sa pader dahil medyo sumakit ang puson ko. It was ten times harder for me since I'm pregnant. Gusto kong umupo pero hindi pwede. I took a deep breath and calmed myself down.

"Alejandra," rinig kong tawag sa'kin ng katrabaho ko na saleslady

I gave her a small smile. "Hi Mitch."

"Kamusta? Ayos ka lang? Mukhang pagd na pagod ka na agad e kakabukas lang natin," sabi niya at tumabi sa'kin

"I'm fine. Namamanhid lang yung legs ko sa sobrang tagal kong nakatayo. Hindi ako sanay e, tsaka mabilis din akong mapagod. Para akong lola," I chuckled softly

"Ahh, akala ko naman nagdadalang tao ka na diyan."

I swallowed hard. Bigla akong kinabahan sa sinabi niya. I never told or shared anyone that I was pregnant, especially to my co-workers. I chose to keep my pregnancy a secret for my own peace, even my life. I chose to be private. I don't share any information about me whenever I meet people. I have trust issues now. Ayoko na ng gulo. Pagod na ako. I just want to live in peace.

Nagpapasalamat nalang ako dahil hindi nila ako nakilala pero ang ilan ay namukhaan ako. Hindi ko nalang siya pinapansin kahit na minsan ay nahuhuli ko silang pinagchichismisan ako.

"Hindi. Wala nga akong boyfriend," I said nervously

Tumingin ako sa kanya at busy siya sa cellphone niya. Alam kong hindi kami pwedeng mag-cellphone kapag nasa trabaho, pero napapansin ko na madalas ay nahuhuli ko siyang nagcecellphone sa sulok, patago.

"Baka may makakita sa'yo," sabi ko

"Hindi 'yan. Huwag ka lang maingay."

"Importante ba 'yan? Sabihin mo sa jowa mo nagtatrabaho ka."

"Gaga. Hindi ito jowa ko. Boss ko 'to. May trabaho pa ako mamaya pagkatapos nito," sabi niya habang nagtatype

"Anong...trabaho?" I asked curiously

Tumingin siya sa'kin. Naningkit ang mata niya habang ngumiti ng nakakaloko. "Gusto mo ba ng extra raket? Extra income? Sawa ka na sa trabaho natin? Good news ay mayroon akong iooffer sa'yo na siguradong malaki ang kikitain mo. Sakto kasi naghahanap nga rin pala si boss ng panibagong irerecruit."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa dami ng sinabi niya. "Ha? Anong trabaho ba 'yan?"

Tumingin muna siya sa paligid at maslalong lumapit sa'kin. "Mamaya ko sabihin sa'yo. Baka may makarinig sa'tin e."

Tumingin din ako sa paligid at nagkakalat kaming mga saleslady. Magkakalayo kami at nakatayo lamang habang nagmamashid ng mga taong dumadaan.

"Naghahanap ka ba ng ibang work, kung sakali?" she asked

"Uh, oo? I mean, medyo gipit kasi ako," nahihiya kong sabi

She gasped and held my shoulder. "Naku! Tamang tama. Sumama ka sa'kin mamaya after ng shift natin. Ako rin matindi pangangailangan e. Ang hirap ng trabaho natin tapos ang liit lang naman ng sweldo. Hindi tayo kikita nito, kaya may isa pa akong work. Ano? G ka?" she smiled widely and bit her bottom lip

I gulped. "Hindi naman siguro illegal 'yan 'di ba?"

"Hindi siya illegal pero hindi rin siya pangkaraniwang trabaho," iyon nalang ang nasabi niya dahil mayroong sumita sa'min na saleslady kaya bumalik kami agad sa trabaho

After our shift, I went with Mitch to the work she's talking about. I was hesitant at first, given my past jobs but I was desperate too. I fucking need money.

Nasa kotse kami at ilang sandali ay nakarating na kami sa trabaho na sinasabi niya. Andito kami sa isang club. And that's when I knew what job it was.

"Ayokong magtrabaho bilang waitress dito sa bar Mitch," agad kong sabi sa kanya

Nakita ko siyang bihis na bihis na. She's wearing a super short skirt that exposes her thighs and legs. One wrong move ay maeexpose pati ang singit niya. She's also wearing a tight see through v neck shirt that exposes her large cleavage. Makapal ang make-up niya sa mukha, pero ang napakapula niyang labi ay ang nakaakit sa'kin. She fixed her blonde wig and black stockings.

Ngumiti lang siya habang isa isang nilalagay ang bote ng alak sa tray.

"So this is the job you're talking about?" I yelled a little 'cause it was too loud here inside the club. There were a lot of people but mostly are old men.

"Yup! Welcome to my second job. Sa umaga saleslady ako at sa gabi ay waitress dito sa bar."

I sighed and bit my lips. "I can't. I don't want this kind of job."

"Akala ko ba gipit ka? H'wag kang mag-alala sis, malaking mag-tip mga tao dito. Maslalo na sila," sabi niya sabay turo sa lamesa ng mga matatandang lalaki na nasa around 40's to 50's

I was about to protest when a lady suddenly appeared behind us. "Well, well, well. Sino itong dalagitang kasama mo Mitch?"

Tumingin ako sa babae. She looks like around her 40's. Kulot ang buhok niya at may sigarilyo rin siya na hawak. Agad kong tinakpan ang ilong ko bago ko pa malanghap ang amoy.

"Uy boss. Nga pala, si Alejandra. Katrabaho ko," pakilala sa'kin ni Mitch

Hindi ng babae inalis ang paningin niya sa'kin. She looked at me from head to foot and puffed her cigarette. "May bago ka nanaman palang narecuit. Pangalawa na siya ngayong araw ah," she chuckled

"Ahh oo, pero mukhang ayaw niya pala boss e," napahawak sa batok si Mitch

"Ayaw niya maging waitress?"

"Oo."

Pabalik balik lang ang tingin ko sa kanila. Lumayo ako ng konti dahil naamoy ko pa rin ang sigarilyo niya. Nagulat ako noong lumapit sa'kin ang matanda. "How about a sex worker hija? Naku, pasok na pasok ka. Maganda ka, makinis, matangkad, natural na makakapang-akit ka ng maraming kalalakihan," kalmado niyang wika sabay haplos ng buhok ko

I swallowed hard and looked away. "Sorry pero ayoko po."

She sighed. "Sayang naman. Ayaw mo bang kumita ng malaking pera?"

"Gusto pero hindi sa ganitong paraan."

Nakita ko siyang tumango-tango. "Hindi kita pipilitin hija pero welcome ka pa rin kung sakaling magbago ang isip mo."

Magsasalita na sana ako pero bigla kaming nakarinig ng ingaye sa likod. Parang may nabasag na mga baso at bote. Nakarinig rin kami ng lalaking nagwawala. Lumingon ako sa lamesa nila at nakita ang isang lalaking nakatayo habang sinisigawan ang isang waitress na babae.

"Boss, mukhang si Joyce nanaman yun ah," rinig kong sabi ni Mitch

Mahinang napamura ang babae. "Hays, kahit kailan talaga 'yang babaeng 'yan. Walang ginawa kundi gumawa ng skandalo," mabilis na naglakad ang matandang babae palapit sa lamesa nila at inawat ang lalaki

Naramdaman kong tumabi sa'kin si Mitch habang nakatanaw kami sa nagkakagulong mga tao. "Baguhan palang kasi e," mahina siyang tumawa. "Masasanay rin yun si Joyce."

Hindi ako sumagot. Nanatili ang mata ko sa kanila, kung paano awatin ng mga bouncers ang lalaki at kung paano pagalitan ng boss ni Mitch ang babae na nagangalang Joyce. Nakayuko lang siya habang hawak-hawak ang tray.

I heard Mitch sighed. "H'wag mo sanang husgahan ang trabaho namin. Hindi ako proud sa ginagawa ko pero wala e. Kailangan kumita para mabuhay kahit pa sa isang hindi disenteng trabaho," mapait niyang sabi

I lowered my head down.

I'm not against those people whose work are just like Mitch's. Being a waitress in a bar or being a sex worker. I just don't want to put myself in that work. I know that, it's not something that they want to do but they have to do nonetheless, most especially to those people who are not privileged. They don't really have a choice.

It really made me realize how much blessed I still am, despite how fucked up my life is. I'm still fortunate and lucky that I don't necessarily need to work like that. I can't even imagine how hard it is for them. I can't judge them easily because I don't know exactly what they're going through.

Sana lang, sa tamang panahon ay magkaroon sila ng pagkakataon na makaalis at makalaya sa ganoong klaseng sitwasyon. They deserve to live a normal life too.

Kinabukasan ay dumalaw si mama sa apartment ko na may dala dalang mga pagkain. Isa-isa niya iyong nilagay sa lamesa.

"Ma. Ang dami naman ata ng niluto mo," sabi ko at tinulungan din siya sa pag-aayos

"Ako na ito anak. Maupo ka na diyan. Baka mapagod ka, makakasama sa bata," tipid siyang ngumiti

Bumalik ulit siya sa kusina habang ako ay umupo muna sa upuan dahil sumakit ang balakang ko. Inayos ko nalang ang mga ibang putahe sa lamesa.

"Dapat nga e, sa mismong birthday mo tayo magcecelebrate kaso sabi mo-"

"May pasok ako ma e."

"Kaya nga. Kaya nga nagluto na ako kahapon pa lang," sagot niya mula sa kusina

Hindi ko alam pero bigla akong naging emosiyonal sa sinabi niya. Magmula noong nabuntis ako ay hindi ko inaasahan na aalagan at mag-aalala siya sa'kin ng ganito. Mga tatlong beses sa isang linggo niya ako dinadalaw para kamustahin ako at ng baby ko. Minsan ay may dala rin siyang pagkain na niluto niya at prutas.

Eversince I was a kid, I always felt neglected by my mother. I've never felt the care of a mother

Yumuko ako at may naramdamang luhang tumulo sa mata ko. Narinig ko siyang lumabas ng kusina kaya agad kong pinunasan ang luha ko.

"Eto, niluto ko yung ulam na cinecrave mo," pinatong niya ang isang bowl ng nilagang baka sa harapan ko. "Mainit init pa 'yan."

I smiled weakly. "Thanks ma."

Inangat ko ang paningin sa kanya at nakita kong pawisan na siya at mukhang pagod na pagod. "Grabe, nagluto lang ako pero ang bilis ko agad pagpawisan. Naligo naman ako."

I chuckled softly.

"Ang tagal naman ng tatay mo at ng kapatid mo. Tinext ko na sila e, sabi papunta na raw," sabi niya sabay kuha ng cellphone

"Asan daw ba sila?"

"Bumili ng cake mo."

Yumuko ako at tumango.

"Gutom ka na ba?"

Umiling ako. "Hindi pa naman. Hintayin na natin sila."

Nilapag niya ang phone sa lamesa at umupo sa upuan na katapat ko. "Kamusta naman pakiramdam mo anak? Okay ka lang? Ilang buwan nalang, malapit na lumabas si baby. Ang tanda ko na pala, magiging lola na pala ako. Excited na rin akong mameet ang apo ko. Alam mo na ba kung anong gender niya? Bumisita ka ba ulit sa doktor? Kailan daw due date mo?"

Hindi ko na napigilan at tuluyan ng bumuhos ang luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan. "I'm sorry ma. I'm sorry sa mga sinabi at nagawa ko noon. I'm sorry if I wasn't a good daughter. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. Sorry kung nahihirapan din kayo sa'kin ngayon. I'm sorry for everything."

"Victoria..."

Humikbi ako. "I'm so sorry."

Hindi ako iyakin na tao pero noong nabuntis ako ay naging emosyonal ako. I cry a lot. I cry easily. I cry even at the smallest things and inconvenience. I had a lot of mental and emotional breakdowns. Hindi ko alam pero minsan umiiyak nalang ako bigla ng walang dahilan. Kahit simpleng paghuhugas lang ng pinggan o paglilinis, sa huli ay natatagpuan ko ang sariling umiiyak. My hormones are just all over the place. I can't seem to control my emotions anymore.

Mas lalong bumuhos ang luha ko noong naramdaman ko ang mainit niyang kamay sa pisngi ko. She pulled me closer and hugged me. I held her arms. I felt her kissed the top of my head. We stayed there for a few minutes. Binalot kami ng katahimikan, tanging iyak ko lang ang naririnig ko.

"Noong iniwan tayo ng papa mo, halos mabaliw din ako sa kaiisip kung paano ko kayo bubuhaying tatlo," panimula niya

Nakaupo na ulit siya sa harapan ko habang ako ay nakikinig sa kanya..

"Bakit..bakit nga ba bigla niya nalang tayong iniwan? Sabi niya, mag-aabroad daw siya at magtatrabaho roon para sa'tin," sabi ko habang pinipilit na alalahanin ang mapait na nakaraan ng pamilya namin

It's painful to open the scars from the past now that I'm still wounded.

"Six years old ka pa lang no'n at ang Ate Olivia mo ay ten years old. Buntis pa ako kay Adam noong iniwan niya tayo. Nag-abroad siya pero nalaman ko nalang na may ibang babae na pala siya doon. Pagkabalik niya sa Pilipinas, naghiwalay na kami. Hindi naman kami kinasal. Mag nobyo palang kami ng papa mo at maaga rin akong nabuntis. Bata palang kami nun, sako twenty siya naman ay twenty two. Nag-aaral pa lang kami nun."

Umawang ang labi ko. Kumirot ang puso ko nang bumalik sa'kin ang lahat.

I didn't know the whole story. This is the first time that my mom told me about it. Before, she always refuse to tell us the whole sroty. Lagi siyang galit tuwing nagtatanong kami sa kanya. Pinapaglitan niya pa kami, maslalo ako dahil lagi kong hinahanap si papa sa kanya. Ang sagot lang niya ay iniwan kami ni papa pero hindi niya sinabi ang rason. Hanggang sa lumaki nalang ako, lumayo ang loob ko kay mama. Sa kanya ako nagalit. I blamed her for everything.

Now that she told me, I realized how much painful it was for her than to me. I realized how selfish I was. I didn't care about her emotions. I thought I was the only one that got hurt. Na-realize ko na hindi lang ako yung anak sa buong mundo na iniwan ng kanilang magulang. Alam kong hindi lang ako nag-iisa.

Malungkot ang mga mata niya habang diretsong nakatingin sa kawalan, binabalikan ang masasakit na alala. "Akala ko mag-propropose na siya sa'kin, pero hindi pala. Nahirapan akong alagaan kayo no'n mag-isa noong nag-abroad siya at syempre, mas lalo akong nahirapan na palakihin kayong tatlo mag-isa noong iniwan niya tayo."

It hurt like hell because I always thought that I was Dad's favorite. I loved him more than my mother. Kaya sobra akong nasaktan noong iniwan niya kami. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin matanggap na basta basta niya nalang kaming iniwan para sa ibang babae.

"Minahal niya ba talaga tayo ma? Minahal ka ba talaga niya?" biglang nanikip ang dibdib ko sa tanong ko

Malungkot siyang ngumiti. "Sa umpisa lang siguro. Baka nagising nalang siya isang araw at hindi niya na tayo mahal. Bata pa lang din kasi ako noon. Ang immature ko. Masyado akong naniwala na ang buhay ay kagaya ng mga napapanood ko sa pelikula. Noong dumating kayo ay doon ako sinampal ng realidad. Mahirap ang pinagdaanan ko maslalo na mahirap din ang buhay noon."

I sniffed and wiped my tears but then a new batch of them fell from my eyes.

"Kaya ayoko sanang magawa mo yung pagkakamali na ginawa ko noon. Ayokong matulad ka sa'kin. Ayokong pagdaanan mo yung pinagdaanan ko," nabasag ang boses niya

Yumuko ako at pinisil ang kamay. "Na-trauma rin kasi ako ma e, noong iniwan niya tayo, pero maslalo akong na-trauma ngayon."

Hindi ako masaya sa buhay ko noon, sa childhood years ko. I had ups and downs. I just forced myself to be happy because I didn't want to experience that pain forever. I didn't want to dwell into it. I didn't want to go through that pain again, but turns out that the next chapter of my life is unexpectedly ten times more painful. I don't think there's a phase in my life that I could say that I was genuinely happy, that I was happy to be alive and breathing.

I realized that the things that I thought makes me happy before were only just temporary. I had a shitty life that I wanted so bad to escape so I created my own little world filled with my dreams and fantasies. I thought I was happy, but then one day, I woke up and realized that everything was gone. I snap back to my reality, my miserable reality.

"Paano niyo ma nakayanan?"

She sighed heavily. "Lumaban ako dahil sa inyong tatlo," sabi niya at tumingin sa'kin

"Nagpapasalamat din ako sa Diyos na nalagpasan ko yun. Nagpasalamat ako na dumating sa buhay ko si Scott. Siya yung tumayong ama kay Adam."

Yumuko ako at humikbi. "I'm sorry.."

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "Andito lang kami anak. Sana mapatawad mo rin ako sa mga sinabi ko sa'yo noon. Ayoko lang kasi kitang mapahamak."

I nodded and covered my mouth. "I'm sorry," that was the only thing I can say 'cause my heart hurts so much

Lumapit ulit siya sa'kin at niyakap ako. "Tahan na. Baka pati si baby umiyak," sabi niya at hinagod ang likod ko

I bit my lips and closed my eyes to feel her warmth that I yearned for in years.

After so long, I found home and peace between her arms; a mother's love.