I slapped at the table for a few seconds before I gave up on reaching my phone from this angle. My arms weren't long enough to grab it and lay down at the same time. I irrationally blamed Cameron for keeping the coffee table too far from the couch. It was his fault I had to move again.

I threw the pillow between my legs on the ground and sat up so I could reach further. I turned the phone over to look at it. My whole body seized up as I stared down at the message with Nathan's name in bold, black letters. He was never going to leave me alone.

My skin began prickling with fear as I opened the message to read it.

Nathan: Come to the studio. The boys and I are bored.

Responding to him at all would have been idiotic. Cameron had told me to let him know the second Nathan tried to contact me again and I was going to do exactly that. Now that he knew about everything that had happened, I had no reason to keep it from him.

I started to get up to go to the garage to get Cameron when another message came through.

Nathan: We are all watching a movie right now. Want to watch it too? It's really good.

Nathan sent me a video on the next message he sent. The first frame on the screen was of me standing at the edge of the bed at the motel in my underwear. I was soaking wet and holding my body.

I didn't want to see the video, but I also needed to know what happened that night. My mind was telling me I might be able to put this behind me and move on if I knew understood why I felt so terrible. I couldn't start my road to recovery without facing my past.

I pressed play and regretted it instantly. My mind was a fucking moron.

Nothing good was going to come out of watching this video.

I was looking straight at the camera as I stood at the edge of the bed in front of Nathan in my underwear. My lips were chattering and I was shaking as the water ran down my body.

My mom had explained to me once before what it was like when I was in the middle of an episode. I had never gotten the pleasure of meeting that version of my sick self and was curious about what I was like. She told me I reminded her a lot of an old phrase that people liked to use. She said it was like there was a light on, but no one was home. I never understood what she meant exactly until I saw my eyes boring into the camera.

There was nothing behind them. I wasn't there at all.

The girl in the video was a complete stranger to me, which didn't make me feel any better. I had no connection to her at all.

"Where'd your boyfriend go?" The phone camera shifted as Nate laid back against the bed with a smirk on his face.

"He left me. He said I was a worthless whore and just left me." The sad girl in the video answered with a whimper.

"You are sweetheart." Nathan cackled at me.

I hung my head down low and nodded in agreement.

"Good. Now go ahead and take your clothes off. I want everyone to be able to see you."

The broken-down version of me in front of the camera didn't even put up a fight. I reached back and unclasped my bra to slide it off my shoulders. I slowly wiggled my panties off her hips and bent down as I slid them down over my legs.

When I stood up, I looked down at my body in revulsion. I was disgusting.

"Turn around," Nathan instructed from the bed.

My body spun around for the camera and I did exactly what he told me to do without saying a word. I should have been running from him as fast as I could, but instead, I was standing there like a marionette doll as he pulled my strings to make me dance for him.

"Come here." The camera shifted again as Nathan reached like he was grabbing something. There was a small foil packet in his free hand when he straightened back up.

The shame-filled shell of me walked over and stood next to him. Water was still dripping down my naked body from my saturated hair. He grabbed my arm and pulled me on top of him to straddle his lap.

He handed me a condom and told me to pull him out. I freed his half-limp dick from his shorts. I used my teeth to help tear open the foil wrapper. My fingers were almost blue and I couldn't get a good enough hold to do it on their own. Nathan started calling me names as I struggled to get the condom on him. He was splitting me apart with every vile word he spewed at me.

He began pinching and slapping at my skin with the hand not filming.

My hand began moving over his shaft tightly. I started working him over until his skin was stretched as tight as it could go. I was able to roll the condom on over him once he was completely erect and ready.

Nathan angled the camera down as I lined myself up over top of him. I slid down over him and took him all in until I was flat against him.

I began slamming my body down onto him like I was desperately searching for something the real me knew he could never give me.

"Say hello to the camera." Nathan panned to my face and groaned.

"Hi, camera." I smiled and blew it a kiss as I ground down harder against his lap.

"Look at how good you take my dick. It feels good, doesn't it, Jessa?" Nathan growled and smacked my breasts as they bounced for the camera. They were already turning bright red as he kept hitting the same spot repeatedly.

The video began shaking as he started raising his hips up to tear into me.

"So good," I screamed and closed my eyes. The expression on my face looked like I was in agony as I continued to move on top of him.

I was a mess and falling down the rabbit hole faster and faster into my diseased mind as every second ticked by.

Then I did something I never expected, I grabbed the phone out of Nate's hand and held it up to my face.

"Watch me make him come," I said right into the camera and panned down to the spot where Nathan and I were connected. He was cursing at me in the background. He grabbed my throat and started squeezing as he released himself into the condom.

When it was over and Nathan let me go, I raised the camera back up to my face. I chewed on my lip as I looked at the screen. The emotions on my face were all over the place; I had splotches of red all over my skin.  My eyes were dilated and looking in every direction at the same time. There was no sign that there was anyone inside me steering the ship.

The only person left on that rudderless, sinking boat was a scared little girl crying in the corner. She was searching for the hand of the boy who always saved her.

But he didn't come this time.

"Cami left me." One tear fell down my cheek as I stared into the camera. "He was right. I am just a worthless whore."

My body may have been alive and moving, but it wasn't me inside. I wouldn't have done this to myself or Cameron. That girl couldn't have been me.

It didn't happen. No. No. No. I didn't go back. It was her, not me.

The video ended abruptly, right as Nathan flipped me over to my knees. I was glad it was over. I didn't need to see anything else.

I was about to call Cameron in from the garage when the floor squeaked behind me.

My phone was ripped from my hand and thrown across the room into the wall.