I woke up the next morning tucked in a tiny ball in Cameron's strong arms. His bare skin warmed mine every place we were touching. He had his leg swung over my body as he literally engulfed me.

If I wasn't feeling so terrible, I would be in heaven knowing he surrounded every bit of me again. My hangover had other ideas. It was brutal. How did I ever live like this before?

I contemplated laying in Cameron's bed all day with him until I felt better. I'm not sure exactly how he felt about us right now, but at least this time he didn't kick me out in the middle of the night.

My phone alarm went off and I managed to wiggle out from underneath Cameron without waking him. I had to take my meds even if my body was fighting with me. I went over to the dresser to my bag to get my stuff out. When I pulled out my phone, something felt off. A little tickle of a memory stroked the back of my brain, but I wasn't sure what it was. It felt like déjà vu.

It seemed too familiar, but not in a good way.

I didn't remember much from last night, but I felt like there was something that I wasn't supposed to forget. Something happened last night that I needed to talk to Cameron about, but I had no recollection of what it was. Maybe it was just about the fact that for the second time since I had been back, we had sex again. I couldn't keep doing this with him so casually. My feelings for him had never gone away. If this was going to be over as soon as I went back home again, then we should stop now before we hurt each other again.

In my head, I imagined the big 'L' word getting thrown out last night a few times. It felt so real, but I couldn't trust my thoughts right now. Sometimes my head liked to make things up when it was trying to sort itself out. It confused me a lot of times when it would create things that never really happened. It could have been an old memory trying to force itself in a missing piece of time to make myself feel better about my current situation.

All I knew was that I had messed up with my sobriety last night and my lucidity was not in a good place.

I shook my jumbled thoughts away and pulled out my pills. I was too fucking hungover to think clearly about my relationship with Cameron.

When I went to open the pillbox, I realized I missed a dose at some point yesterday. It didn't mean I would automatically lose it, but I knew I had to be extremely careful over the next few days. At the first sign that anything felt off, I needed to call Dr. Schroeder. I couldn't afford any more slip-ups. I opened the compartment, performed my sanity check on the pills, and swallowed them.

I pulled out my birth control compact and punched one of the tablets out to take one of those too. At least I wasn't crazy enough to forget to take one of these yesterday.

I hated that it was another pill I had to keep track of, the shot had always been much easier to manage, but when I was on tour, I realized I was well overdue for another one. I called my doctor and they prescribed the pills until I could make it in for a checkup. I didn't have as many side effects when I started them a few months ago. I kept finding reasons to miss my appointment because life was so hectic. After two months, I just decided to stay on what was prescribed to me since I never had any time to get in for a checkup. I even decided to set up a mail delivery subscription for all my medications so I didn't have to waste time going to a pharmacy.

I was a busy woman. I had responsibilities and stuff. I was a pretend adult now.

I guess the pills would have been more of a nuisance if I wasn't already on a regular med schedule.

I stretched my sore, tight muscles. My hangover and very tender lady parts were going to keep me uncomfortable for most of the day. I hurt in places that I didn't even know existed. Cameron was a fucking beast in bed. I didn't even need to remember the things he did to my body to know I was completely satisfied last night. I felt like I was made from pudding just thinking about him.

I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I let the warm steam billow up around me. I linger under the heat to let it work out some of the stiffness and tension in my body. I was happier than I had been in an extremely long time, but it quickly faded as my thoughts began to drift back into reality.

My mind was a mix of clashing fears fighting for supremacy over me. I was afraid what I felt for Cameron was going to break me. I was scared that the drinks I had last night would send me spiraling again and I was petrified what would happen if I didn't give Nate what he wanted. Worst of all, I was even more terrified that what he said about Cameron was true.

The last thought unnerved me more than anything else on my mind. If he could do that to someone, what else was he capable of? Could he ever hurt me?

So many questions raced through my head and they only triggered more and more until I could barely concentrate. I kept searching my tired brain for answers.

What would Nate lie to me about this? What would he have to gain from doing this?

"Um, like everything. Money, fear, to find a way to make you question Cameron enough to leave him." Good Jessa whispered to me as she rolled her eyes.

She wasn't lying. Those were all very good motives.

Today was the day I needed to decide what I was going to do and just get it over with. Nathan had given me a deadline and putting this decision off much longer would only keep my anxiety high. I didn't need that stress in my life. Part of me wanted to tell Cameron what was going on, but the other part of me wanted to keep him safe by keeping this between Nate and me.

My mom had mentioned Cameron was having a rough time lately and this would only add to his stress. The guilt I felt for my role in his troubles only strengthened my decision to keep this to myself.

It would be better for Cameron if he didn't know. He hated Nate and knowing he was around again would cause a scene. Cameron would look guilty if he went after Nate. I had to keep him in the dark about this for his own good.

I decided right then that I had to give Nathan what he wanted.

I was going to go pull the money out of the bank this morning and give it to Nate so I could pay him off to go away for good. I was going to end this.

When I got out of the shower, Cam was still snoring softly on the bed. I got in his drawers and pilfered his old academy sweats out since my dress was nowhere to be found. I didn't remember where I took it off at. I would have asked Cameron to help me find it, but he looked too adorable to wake up. Even if I did manage to wake him, he would ask me where I was going and I would have to lie. I didn't want to lie to Cameron; I'm not sure if I could have if I tried.

I saw the pearled panties lying in a pile on the floor right before I walked out of the room and laughed at them. I shook my head at the ridiculous things. I would never understand Stells' fashion sense. I mean, who seriously has panties with pearls on them. Some of the extravagance of being famous I would never get.

I definitely was never going to wear them again.

Maybe I would just let Cameron hang on to them so he wouldn't forget about me. A little reminder of me for him to wake up to.