Kaleb

Today is the day I've been wishing would never come. My body has been cold all morning, my emotions numb. I can't feel anything but a lethargic weight in my bones and mind. I'm cloudy when there's nothing but blue sky on the horizon.

After our moment alone, Mel had another episode. A seizure that lasted for thirty seconds. Thirty seconds isn't alarming, but it solidifies what's happening. I've begged and pleaded with Mel to take medications other than her painkillers, but she refuses every time.

She refuses because she knows it's time.

And, although none of us want to admit it, we all know it's time.

I just wish this day had never come.

I wish Shea, Brenna, and Ella weren't with me in the truck. We're going to VGH to say our last goodbyes to Mel. I wish this cold-blooded world that picks on good, innocent people never existed. I wish I could trade places with her. Exchange my life for hers and make sure she lives it to its fullest potential. Fuck, I'd haunt her from the grave as best I could.

But I can't. I'm not some celestial being that can fix every mistake life makes. The world will prey on good, innocent people while letting the bad ones get away with shit.

Silence fills the vehicle, and all I do is stare out the window at the passing buildings and vehicles, dreading what's to come. The aftermath of it all. The rest of my life.

How am I supposed to say goodbye? How am I supposed to let go of someone I love when I love them more than anything in this world?

My eyes are tired, and they worsen when I rub them. Sleep was nonexistent last night. I wanted to stay at the hospital with Mel, but she convinced me to go home once she was conscious again. Although I wanted to stay, I was too tired to argue. Plus, I also needed a shower.

When I arrived home, Ella was up. She's been staying in the main house as opposed to living in the basement suite. I'm not sure if Mel asked her to stay close to me or not, but having her there is challenging. Part of me is drawn to her, while my inability to control my emotions repulses the other half. Every meal Ella makes, every look she gives me... it's enough to drive me mad. I want to grab her shoulders and ask why things have to be this way. Why we have to exchange glances that are filled with vigorous emotions as opposed to the casualness of a friendship.

Every second with Ella is torture.

I shouldn't be wrestling with love when the love of my life is dying.

Yet here I am, in the back of Ella's vehicle, inhaling her floral perfume while she pulls into a parking spot at the hospital. I rub my tired eyes, wishing I could cut the magnetic pull between us. Wishing I had slept last night instead of tossing and turning until three A.M.

When we enter the hospital, I note how heavy the atmosphere of the place feels on my shoulders. It's like a thousand-pound weight, dragging me down into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. I'm cold and weighted down, barely able to breathe. I'm numb and I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel anything ever again.

Beside me, Shea rests a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. I don't mean to sound all sappy and shit when I say this, but I love the guy. Yeah, we don't get along sometimes. Yeah, I have a lot of fun pissing him off. But in the end, I know we can count on each other.

Brenna and Ella are behind us, talking in low whispers. Incoherent pieces of their conversation make their way to my ears, but I don't bother trying to make sense of it. I need to stop thinking about Ella. About the conversation I had with Mel. She wants me to live. To let myself fall in love again.

Rubbing my face, I force myself to think about something else. Not that my options are great. Thankfully, I see Jayden and Hunter loitering outside of Mel's room. Their expressions reflect the mood of everyone: devastated. When they see me, they both embrace me with a strong but quick hug, muttering their apologies.

Those are the only words spoken. I can't respond because I fear I'll lose control and start crying instead. Crying can wait until after. I need to stay strong for her.

Without a word, we push through the door and enter the room. Mel's parents are there and they're talking with the doctor. Maddison sits on the edge of the bed, holding her sister's hand as they talk. Mel's folder has been passed around to about three different doctors throughout our time here. She's worked with each of them, and I think her impending death is affecting them just as much. Despite the underlying tone of sadness that permeates hospitals, she always smiles. Tries to make someone's day better.

As per usual, he's carrying his folder full of Mel's papers. I'm tempted to reach into that tan-coloured folder and grab Mel's consent document so I can rip it to shreds and nullify it. I want to think there's another way for this story to end—even though I already know better. It's this or standing on the sidelines watching her suffer for hours upon hours, unable to help her.

I stuff my hands in my pockets to prevent everyone from seeing how badly they're shaking. Dread is cleaving my chest in two. It feels like I'm dangling off of a cliff and the rope is eroding fray by fray, with a bottomless pit of darkness beneath me. When I fall, I don't think I'll be able to get up again.

"Kaleb," Dr. Marley says, walking over to me. He reaches out his hand and I shake it firmly, avoiding meeting his gaze. All these sympathetic looks are killing me.

"Doctor," I nod.

He then introduces himself to Brenna, Shea, Hunter, and Jayden, who, naturally, are very polite.

"Okay," he says, taking centre stage. "Now that everyone is here, I'm going to give you a quick run-down of what is going to happen today. Because of Melody's declining health, we have approved her to—" He pauses and looks at me. "I know you do not want to hear this all over again, but it is protocol, so please bear with me."

I nod, keeping my gaze locked on Mel. She's staring at me, tears brimming in her eyes. Contrary to the events today, she's the only person keeping me stable. She always has been. Throughout every obstruction and surprise, she's been the reason my heart still beats.

Dr. Marley clears his throat. "As I was saying, we have approved Melody for assisted death because of her declining health. Whenever she is ready, we will begin the three-step process. Trust me when I say she will not feel a thing. The first step is administering a sedative that will relax her and induce sleep. Second, we administer a drug that will put her into a coma and eliminate any reflexive movements. The third and final drug is a neuromuscular block that paralyzes the muscles, including those involved in breathing. The results will be death."

In front of me, Carla chokes on a sob and buries her face in her husband's chest. Maddison sits on the bed, gripping her sister's hand. Shea slips an arm beneath Brenna's shoulders, as if to give her support. Ella stands next to me, silent tears running down her cheeks.

Jayden rests a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. Hunter toes the floor and expels a soft curse.

Me?

I rub my jaw with the heel of my shaky hand, staring at Mel. Even when she's down like this, she's still what inspires the stars to twinkle at night, the sun to rise in the morning. And when she smiles at me, I can't stop myself from smiling back. It's a sad smile, but a smile.

"I'll leave you now," Dr. Marley says. "Give you time to say your goodbyes."

A couple of seconds later, the door closes behind Dr. Marley, the noise echoing through the quiet room. Everyone is having a difficult time adapting to this. It's easy to express your sympathies for a friend who has a dying friend or family member. You feel bad. You wish you could change things. Do something.

But I don't think people understand how despair ravages the heart. How it cleaves your chest in two and promises an eternity of pain. The way it tries to make your mind believe the circumstance is an illusion. Part of me still thinks I'm trapped in a nightmare. That I'll wake up next to her, happy and healthy.

"I'm glad you all came," Mel smiles. She sitting up in the bed, dressed in a hospital gown that's leaches the colour from her skin. Yet she still looks beautiful.

Fuck, her smile kills me.

Ella, though she's still crying, walks over to Mel's side and hugs her. While they're hugging, Maddison steps down from the bed and joins their parents. "We'll be here with you until the bitter end."

With Ella breaking the ice, everyone seems a little more comfortable as they walk up to the bed. I know Mel and I are going to have one helluva goodbye moment, so I stick to the foot of the bed, giving everyone else some room. They shed tears. There is some laughter. People smile. And it puts me in a bit of a better mood.

"Smith," she says as Shea hugs her. "Make sure you keep Kal in check for me. He's as forgetful as forgetful can be. Before you guys leave for a road trip, double-check his suitcase. Make sure he has his phone, wallet, and passport."

Shea laughs. It's a strained laugh, but it sells because soon Mel is laughing along with him. He tightens the hug a little, careful not to hurt her. "Don't worry, Melody. I'll even make sure he puts on his underwear every morning. The big boy kind."

A round of chuckles goes through the room. One even comes from me. "If you can remember to put on your own," I retort.

Shea flips me the bird before stepping back and giving Brenna space to say her piece. "I'll miss you. It's too soon. It's unfair." Brenna's smile weakens a little more. "I'm sorry you couldn't meet her." She gestures to her enormous belly.

"I know," Mel sniffles. "But one day, in many, many years to come, we'll be able to go out for drinks and ponder over our lives again. Just promise me you won't let this affect the coming months. Don't forget about me, but don't let this stop you from being the amazing mom I know you're going to be." She lowers her voice, whispering something in Brenna's ear. It's incoherent to my ears, but it jars Brenna because when she returns to Shea's side, she's sobbing.

Shea wraps his arms around her, holding her against his chest like she's about to shatter any second.

Hunter and Jayden are next. They exchange some banter with Mel, and she thanks them for sticking around to help me. After that, they join Brenna and Shea and exit the room, leaving me, Ella, and Mel's family alone.

Seeing Ella linger here is strange, but I'm assuming it's planned. Leave it to Mel to take one last jab at pushing us together.

"Mom, Dad, Maddie," Mel says. "I want to talk to Kal and Ella alone for a moment, please."

They don't ask questions or raise any protests. Instead, they leave the room without looking back. A cold sweat breaks out across the back of my neck. Being alone in a room with these two... All I can think about is the moment I almost kissed Ella.

It makes me breathless.

I'm in a room with my ex and my wife, and my emotions are battling it out, wanting to draw blood. Everything about me belongs to Melody, save for that tiny fraction that Ella still holds. A small fucking kernel that refuses to die out.

"I'm sorry," Mel says, breaking the silence. "I never meant to make either of you hurt." She sighs and shakes her head. "Shea was right. Pushing you two together was a bad idea. From the beginning, I should've told you I'm okay with this." She gestures between Ella and I.

"Mel... there's nothing going on," I say.

Ella nods. "It was a moment of weakness."

It isn't hard to tell Ella's lying. She won't look at anyone and she's shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Mel rolls her eyes. "You are two peas in a pod with your stubbornness. Let's say this is hypothetical then."

Her choice of words earns a smile from me.

"Should time pass and you find the courage to love again, you need to give each other a chance. You've both been burned enough times in different ways. But I can't rest without knowing you'll choose happiness over suffering." She looks at me. "Kal, you can't feel guilty for wanting to live your life. If you do, it'll only old you back. And if that happens, then it's all my fault. Your love..." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Your love is beautiful, Kal. Any woman who gets to experience it is lucky. And I hope my love was the same for you. If it was, don't let my death hold you back, otherwise all that love is for nothing." She looks at Ella. "Ella... I'm sorry about all the shit you've gone through. Sorry that you're losing a friend. I wish I could change everything, but I can't. What happened between you and Kal wasn't a mistake. It's a product of the emotions between you two. If you love him..." She side eyes me. "Don't let him go."

"Mel, she doesn't love me. We... we were drunk and emotional. There's..." I throw my hands up. "Why are we having this conversation?"

"Because it needs to happen. And even though I'm on my death bed, I'm worried about you. You look like you're about to self-destruct at any moment."

I shake my head. "This is bullshit. She doesn't love me."

The lie tastes like ash on my tongue. Because there's definitely a part of me that still loves Ella. I can feel it in my bones.

Ella looks at me, tears brimming her eyes. "I still love you, Kaleb. Why do you think Isaac and I are just friends? Why I care so much about you?"

Her words are like a knife to my gut. "Ella," I plead.

She needs to stop. This isn't helping me. All I want to do is collapse to my knees and cry, hunched over and clutching my gut while the pain seeps through my pores.

She shakes her head. "I can't do this."

Before Ella can leave, Mel grabs her hand. She tugs Ella back to the bed and leans up, whispering something in her ear. My ears strain to hear, but I get nothing. Whatever Mel says causes Ella to frown.

Then Mel is hugging Ella again. "I love you, Ella. Don't forget me."

"I'll never forget you," Ella sobs. "I love you too much, Melody. Margarita nights won't be the same without you."

Mel smiles. "Drink an extra one for me."

Ella squeezes Mel one more time before turning around and booking it out of the room, sobbing.

Seconds later, the door closes and I'm left alone with Mel.

A thousand emotions fight for my attention. I'm thankful for this last moment, to say goodbye to her. Few people get this opportunity in life. But I'm also devastated. Angry with the world. It's hard for me to get my head straight.

Instead of sitting in the empty chair next to the bed or standing next to her, I climb into the bed and snuggle up against her, wary of any IVs or cords that are attached to her.

Mel rests her cheek on my chest and I wrap my arms around her. She's gotten tiny, but the warmth of her body, the smell of her perfume—everything else is the same.

"I wish you didn't have to do this," I whisper, pressing my lips to her forehead. "We missed out on so much."

"I know," Mel sighs, running her hand down my chest. "But we had a good life together, Kal. It was never boring. We always made the best of it."

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears. "It's too soon," I choke. "Yes, I wouldn't trade the life we've shared for anything in the world and I'll cherish those moments forever, but it's too fucking soon. I don't know, Mel, if I can make it in this world without you. I'm... I'm not strong enough. You're my other half. The light I follow when I'm lost. I—"

I stop talking. My emotions are taking hold of me, grasping me by the throat, and choking me.

"Kal," Mel whispers, resting her palm on my cheek. "You're not weak."

"I can't live without you," I finish.

"I know it will be hard at first, Kal," she replies. "But with every day that passes, things will get easier. It may not seem like it at first. It may take a few months to feel human again. But I know you can do it. You will heal. You will continue to live your life. You will fall in love again."

I shake my head in disagreement.

"Kal," she says. "Promise me."

"Mel..."

"No." She shifts her position, straightening her posture so she's face-to-face with me. She cups my face with both hands. "Live for the moments you can't put into words. For Ella, Brenna, and Shea. For you parents. My parents. For everyone in your life. But you have to live for yourself, too. You—"

A coughing fit breaks Mel's sentence. I try to suppress my anxiety as I rub her back, but it's difficult because it only reminds me of what's to come.

"Mel..." I say, my voice cracking.

She waves me off. "I'm okay. Listen to me, Kal, life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself. I know it hurts—God, it hurts so much—but everything you go through helps you grow. Creates you. Don't let this moment be your ruin. Let it build you. Yes, I'm sad I can't be the one who wakes up next to you every morning, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to find someone. Kal, we don't meet people by accident. People cross our paths for a reason. Some people, sometimes ex-lovers, meet again." She trails her finger along the shape of my jaw. "All I want is for you to be happy, to live your life to its fullest potential. Promise me you will. And if the time ever comes, promise me you'll find Ella."

I stare into her beautiful eyes, her familiar face. I take in every single detail I love about her, and then I nod my head.

"I'll try," I whisper, dipping my head down to her. "I promise you, Mel, I will try. It might take a long, long time, but I will try."

Mel's eyes flick down to my lips, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Take as long as you want. Just promise me."

I lean a little closer and whisper, "I promise you, Melody Jones. I will try."

She smiles through the tears and then presses her lips against mine. The kiss is passionate, blissful, emotional. I close my eyes, tasting the mixture of our tears amongst her cherry lip balm. I tangle my fingers in her hair and tilt her head upwards so I can deepen the kiss. She parts her lips, allowing my tongue to stroke hers.

Within a matter of seconds, the kiss becomes frantic, desperate. Bittersweet.

My heart is straining, breaking. I'm crying and choking on my own sobs as I kiss her. I want to refuse to believe that this is how it ends, but I know better. This isn't a nightmare. I'm not passed out on my couch after drinking too much or getting little sleep. I'm here, kissing my wife, the love of my life, one last time.

When Mel pulls away, she turns her back to me and slips into another coughing fit. It's one of the worse ones I've seen her have. Her body is shaking, jerking forward and wet spurts of blood cover the palms of her hands, splatter the bedsheets. I leap off the bed and rush over to the small sink next to the door, wetting a cloth. In an instant, I'm back beside Mel, wiping her the blood from around her lips. Her lips are still swollen from our kiss.

As I wipe her face, Mel sighs. "Kal, I think it's time to call my parents and Maddie in. And Dr. Marley."

Another tear slips down my cheek as I nod. "Okay," I choke. "Okay."

It takes every fibre in my very being to force myself to get up and walk over to the door. To open it and step out into the hallway. To tell Carla, David, Maddie, and Dr. Marley that it's time.

As I'm getting ready to turn back to the room, I make eye contact with each one of my friends. Each tries to give me a look of hope and I respect them for that. For trying to be positive when everything has gone to shit.

I don't know how I make it back to the room. I fear how I'm going to react when they inject her with the sedative. Or when they slip her into a coma. I don't know if I can be around when they inject the last drug.

I rake a hand through my hair as I take my spot beside the bed, my other hand finding hers. Whether I like it or not, I need to control myself. I need to stay by Mel's side until the end.

She doesn't deserve to suffer, I tell myself. This is the best option. Even if it fucking sucks.

Dr. Marley steps in after us, two nurses behind him. In their hands, I can see three needles. My eyes flick down to the IV in the back of Mel's hand. Thank God I'm not on the other side of the bed or else I'd be right up front, watching.

Mel threads her fingers with mine and squeezes. I squeeze back.

Dr. Marley looks between me and Mel's parents, and then at Mel. "I just want you to know, Melody. I admire you for making such a hard decision. I am very sorry that a young woman like you has to go through this. Your bravery is exponential."

Mel smiles at the doctor. "Thank you." Her thumb traces the back of my hand. "We're ready now."

"Very well," he says, gesturing at the nurses.

The two nurses behind him, one man and one woman, get to work. Since the IV is already in the back of Mel's hand, they don't have to do much. On the tray next to the bed, one sets the three needles down in order. The other makes sure Mel is comfortable; he fluffs the pillows, adjusts the blankets, and asks if she's warm and comfortable.

When Mel confirms everything's good, he nods and steps back.

"Melody," David says, leaning down and kissing his daughter on the cheek. "If I could trade places with you, I would."

"I know, Daddy," Mel smiles, a tear slipping down her cheek. She pulls her dad into a hug. "But life had different plans. I only wish I could have stuck around a little longer."

Carla, when she hugs Mel, is almost incoherent. She's a mess. But who can blame her?

Maddie and Mel exchange a hug that breaks my heart.

As they talk and hug and say their last goodbyes, I watch the blonde-haired nurse work with the first needle. She removes an orange cap from it, tossing that into the garbage, and then looks at Dr. Marley for further instructions.

"Kal," Mel says.

I turn my attention back to Mel. She's looking up at me, smiling.

"I love you, Kal," she says, her voice stronger than ever.

I'm iffy about kissing Mel around her parents. But in this case, I don't care. I dip my head down and kiss her again. "I love you, too, Mel," I murmur against her lips. A tear slips down my cheek.

Mel rests her hand on my cheek. "This isn't goodbye, Kal. We'll see each other again someday."

My smile falters. Then I grip her hand again, threading my fingers through hers.

With one last time at me, she turns to Dr. Marley and takes a deep breath. "I'm ready, Doctor."

"Very well," he nods, scribbling something down on his clipboard. "Angela, you may inject the sedative."

My heart picks up, bring my anxiety to the forefront. I want to slap that needle out of Angela's hands and then stomp on it. Shatter it. I clench my fist at my side and look at Mel to calm myself down.

She's already looking at me, no worry in her eyes. It's almost as if she's made peace with death already.

"I love you, Mel," I say.

Her smile broadens and out of the corner of my eye, I see Angela insert the syringe into the IV. "I love you, too, Kal."

She says nothing to her parents, but they don't seem to mind. Since they were called when this all started, I think they've had plenty of time to discuss this with Mel. I think they're giving us this last moment because of that.

The next several seconds are agonizing. The sedative is administered and I watch as Mel's eyes droop, how her breathing slows to a peaceful rhythm. I watch until she's fallen asleep and her hand has gone limp in mine. It feels strange. Almost scary. I don't like that she's not holding my hand. I tighten my grip.

The nurses and Dr. Marley check a few things before they administer the next drug. I focus my eyes on the machines next to her bed, watching the one that keeps track of her heartbeat. Nothing changes for the next fifteen minutes. Not until they administer the next and final drug.

It all happens so quickly. One moment, Mel's heartbeat is normal. The next, she's flatlining. For a moment, the machine lets out an alarming, continuous beep, causing all of us to jump. Thankfully, Angela unplugs the machine and we're all greeted by silence once again, save for the occasional sniffle.

I stare at Mel, unable to comprehend that she's dead.

She looks like Snow White after she took a bite of the poisonous apple. Asleep, peaceful and dreaming. I tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, brushing my knuckles against her cheek. Her skin is still warm, there's still colour in her cheeks. Her lashes rest across her delicate cheekbones. She looks relaxed. Peaceful.

I then cup her face with one hand.

With tears dripping down my face, I lean down and kiss Mel on the forehead.

And then I leave, giving the medical staff enough room to unplug Mel from all the machines and removing her IVs.

Outside, in the waiting room, the air feels stuffy. My mind is clouded with despair. Though her death was peaceful and expected, I still watched my wife die. I felt her hand go limp in mine.

When Shea, Brenna, and Ella see me, the three of them stand up.

Jayden and Hunter follow.

I make eye contact with each one of them, rake a hand through my hair as the tears fall again. My heart breaks for the fiftieth time today. Shatters into a million pieces.

"She's gone," I choke. "She's gone."