Melody

My night at the hospital is rough. Machines continue to beep and hiss. Light streams through the door whenever a nurse comes in to check on me. The blankets are itchy and the mattress is hard, causing an ache in my lower back. No matter how many times I toss and turn, I can't get comfortable. Breathing techniques don't help lessen the anxiety, either. As confident as I am in my decision, there are slivers of doubt.

Tossing out any efforts to fall asleep, I shift into a sitting position. My arms are draped over my knees. I lean forward, taking a few deep breaths before curling into a ball. My cheek rests on my knees and I stare out the window at the city lights seeping through the thin curtains. Tears threaten to spill down my cheeks, but they never come.

What if I'm making the wrong decision?

The thought slithers around me like a snake; curling around my throat and tightening like a noose. It seems fickle, dying before the cancer kills me. Either route I take, death is inevitable. So is there really any power in dying before cancer completes its quest to ravage my organs?

I'd like to believe so.

The longer I stare out the window, the more my mind slips into a rabbit hole. As soon as it's going, there's no stopping it. I think about everyone this is affecting. Hurting the people I love is worse than suffering from cancer. I can only imagine how helpless they feel, but I'm sure it's close to how helpless I feel. The patient and the patient's loved ones run a parallel course during one's battle with cancer. Helplessness, loss, despair. I feel the same emotions, but never to the same degree. Because once I take my last breath, that's the end. I can feel the pain right now, but it'll be gone in a matter of seconds. After I die, there's nothing left for me to worry about. No legal issues to deal with. No lingering sense of pain and loss. Unlike Kal, I won't have to sleep in an empty bed.

Thinking of Kal makes me think about Ella. Everything's so fucked because of me. In hindsight, I realize meddling with their friendship was a bad idea. All I've done is make both of them feel bad about their emotions. Perhaps I should've stated my intent from the beginning as opposed to secretly trying to push them together. Sat them down and told them I support a relationship between them. Expressing myself may have led to a different outcome. Maybe they'd be a little less reluctant to acknowledge their feelings.

I sigh, rubbing my temples. Although I'm still on a good amount of painkillers, my head is hurting. I know that's a bad sign. If morphine can't curb a headache, then the sands in my internal hourglass are falling fast.

I paved the road with nothing but good intentions. Yet I feel as though I've driven a wedge between them. It might be time to talk to Shea again. Tell him he was right about my plan. When I told Shea, he wasn't happy with my decision. He said it reminded him too much of the time before he told Brenna about the bet. There were too many secrets, and the more they piled up, the worse things got. He considers himself lucky that Brenna accepted his apology. Now that I've experienced the effects of a secret, despite its good intentions, I have to admit he's right—nothing good comes from harvesting secrets. I never meant to hurt Kal or Ella.

I never meant for a lot of things to happen.

But here I am, in another hospital bed, wishing for an alternative.

And that's how the rest of the night goes. Although I try to get some rest, I toss and turn and let my mind run its course. But it never stops. Instead, I create a cycle of self-pity, crying, anger, thinking, and then longing. It doesn't help that a nurse checks on me every hour.  She's like a reset button. 

By the time morning arrives, I'm exhausted. It feels like I've run a marathon, despite sitting in this goddamned bed. But I have enough energy to be hungry. After I've used the washroom and washed my face, my stomach growls, making noises that sound like a whale. Which is strange. With all these IVs attached to me, I shouldn't be hungry. Last time I was being treated, hunger was almost nonexistent. 

My food choices are limited. At some point, the complimentary breakfast will arrive and I'll have to do my best to choke it down. How they're allowed to serve shitty food at a hospital, I'll never know. Sometimes, when I was working with younger patients or patients I got along with, I would buy them food from the cafeteria. Although it's not a gourmet meal, the cafeteria has excellent mac and cheese and tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. There is also a chicken Caesar salad wrap that I love. But I know no nurse will do that for me. I'm in a different unit than the one I was working in, which means there are only a few faces I recognize.

My second option is to call Brenna or Ella to grab me takeout. Then again, Brenna isn't fond of driving right now. Which means I need to call Ella. Asking her to bring me takeout also benefits both of us. When she arrives, we'll be able to talk about what happened. I need to clear things up before I permanently damage our friendship.

Just as I'm about to grab my phone, I hear a knock at the door. When I look up, I see Ella. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a baggy sweater. Her hair's tied up in a ponytail and there are bags beneath her eyes. Her skin is also pale. She looks more sick than tired. 

"Ella," I say. I can't hide the surprise in my voice. It's just past seven A.M., and I thought she'd be heading to work by now. 

She flashes me a weak smile before stepping in and closing the door. From behind her back, she reveals two loaded bags of takeout from Dairy Queen. "I know how much you hate hospital food. Plus, I'm really hungover and need a major grease intake. Uncle Ray gave me the day off." She looks at the bags. "Two burgers each, two orders of fries, onion rings, and a slice of cake. Gravy on the side and extra packets of ketchup. The cake's from last night."

Scooting back and crossing my legs, I pat the spot in front of me. "You're a lifesaver, Ella. Thank you. I was actually just about to call you."

Ella, although she's hesitant, climbs onto the bed and sits across from me after kicking off her shoes. I watch as she unloads the takeout bags between us. The smell of grease and fried food makes my stomach grumble again. My mouth waters a little, too.

When she's finished, I pounce on the first burger, ripping the wrapper off and taking a large bite. There's an explosion of texture and flavour across my tongue, which makes me moan. "Fuck. This is so good."

Ella nods and takes not one, but two bites of her burger. Once she's swallowed, she takes another bite. I try not to laugh as she continues to devour the burger. It's like watching one of those cartoons where the main character inhales the burger. By the time I'm halfway through mine, she's finished her first one.

She closes her eyes and sighs, rubbing her stomach. "That made me feel human again."

I smile, loving this moment of Normal Ella. But as soon as she sees me smiling, her face contorts with guilt. "Melody... Something almost happened between Kaleb and I."

Grabbing an onion ring, I nod while inspecting it. "You two almost kissed." I take a bite of the onion ring.

Her eyes widen. "Oh, um... I wasn't expecting that. I thought Kaleb only told Shea..." She trails off, tears welling in her eyes. Her hands play with the wrapper of her second burger. "Melody, I'm so sorry. Acting on my emotions was wrong. That never should've happened. I'm ashamed of myself."

I frown. "Did you kiss him?"

"Well, no, but..."

"But you wanted to?"

Ella's shoulders deflate. "Yes. More than anything."

I won't lie. Her confession hurts a little, but it doesn't compare to the bittersweet happiness in my heart. They deserve a chance to be happy. What kind of person am I if I don't allow that to happen? Kal has to move on. Everyone does. I can't dictate where their lives go after this mess is over. 

"Ella," I sigh. "I've been trying to push you two closer."

Just like with Kal, she takes several seconds to process my confession. A crease forms between her eyebrows. "What? When? Why?"

I stuff the rest of the onion ring in my mouth, buying myself time. Although I want them to be happy, there's nothing easy about this. Kal is my husband for a reason. Words can never describe how much I love him. Knowing I won't be able to grow old with him cleaves my heart in two. But I'm not some selfish person who expects him to be single for the rest of his life.

After swallowing my food, I take a sip of water. Then I clear my throat. "I love you and Kal. You're two of the most important people in my life. Seeing both of you suffer... Kal from my illness and you from shitty men... it breaks my heart. All I want is for you two to be happy." I look down at my hands and start picking my cuticles. "It's complicated, Ella. Everything feels so messed up right now. But one thing's for certain: Had you kissed Kal, I wouldn't be upset. You were the first woman he ever loved, Ella. That counts for something. When... When all this is over, at least for me, Kal will need you. He'll need everyone.  But knowing he has you makes this situation a smidge more peaceful than it is. I know he'll have someone. Someone who won't tiptoe around him when he falls apart."

Ella stares at me, her face void of any emotion. "Did you talk to Shea? He said something very similar last night."

"Yeah," I admit, grabbing another onion ring. "Shea is easy to talk to. He listens to everything before saying a word. There have been a few occasions where I've vented, and he's vented. Then we prioritize our solutions to the problem." I smile sadly. "I'll miss venting to him."

Ella shakes her head. Strands of her blonde hair come loose, falling and framing her face. "I still don't understand. You're married. And... and why me? Even if I still love Kaleb, none of this is right. I don't have a problem with you trying to push us closer together. What I have a problem with, though, is not knowing. Your actions made me feel like a terrible friend. Can you imagine what it feels like to fall in love with your best friend's husband all over again?" She clutches the space above her heart, digging her nails into her sweater. "All I've been feeling is guilt and shame."

I shoot her a pained look. "I know, Ella. And I am so sorry about that. When I made my decision, I should've talked to you and Kal. It would've made things easier. I apologize for the pressure I put on both of you. My intentions were good, but not thought through. I should've listened to Shea. Before you ask, yes, he knew what I was doing. There were several times where he tried to hint. But you and Kal are very similar. When you feel things you don't want to acknowledge, you root yourselves in denial."

Ella frowns. "Do not."

I raise my eyebrows. "Really?"

Realizing her two words of denial, Ella rolls her eyes. "Fine. Maybe we do." She looks down at her second burger and starts unwrapping it. Her eyes are glassy when she looks at me. "Why me, Mel? Why?"

"Because, Ella," I say, keeping my voice steady. Her genuine heart makes me want to cry. "I know you'll make each other happy. Just because it didn't work the first time doesn't mean you don't deserve a second chance, too."

My words break her.

Ella sobs. 

She sobs with a force I've never seen. Her shoulders are shaking. She's gasping for air. The agony in her voice... It's all so sudden, I'm not sure what to do. Careful to not spill the food, I lean over and pull her into a hug.

"You'll be okay," I whisper. "You're strong, Ella. Stronger than anyone I know."

"Part of me hates you," she sobs. "But I love you so much, Melody. This world isn't fair. You shouldn't be dying. This is all so shitty. All I wanted was for you two to be happy."

Her words are so rushed and distorted, I can barely understand her. But I get the idea of what she's saying. It makes me realize how similar Ella and I are. We're willing to sacrifice ourselves so the people we love are happy. 

I smile, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Promise me. Promise me you'll make him happy. That you'll love him as much as I do. Give him a family, even if it's just you and the cat. You know how much he loves cats."

She releases something that resembles a sob and a laugh. "I promise."