Ella

My breath dissipates into the cold air as I glide around the corner ahead of Isaac.

It's been a couple of years since my last skating expedition. But skating is like riding a bike. Once you know how to do it, you don't forget. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. Especially outdoor skating.

Because it's so late, Isaac and I are the only ones here. Aside from the extra chilly breeze, the weather is perfect. The neighbouring streets are quiet. When snow falls in Vancouver, the city becomes hectic, as many people aren't prepared for the wintery conditions. Plenty of people curse at snow. I like it because it reminds me of the Okanagan. It was wonderful to experience the four seasons there, as opposed to consistent rain. I'm glad we've had some snow and icy temperatures this year.

When I reach the bench, I sit down and watch as Isaac approaches. He's dressed in waterproof joggers, a heavy winter coat, a toque, and gloves. There's a blue and green scarf wrapped around his neck. The hair peeking out from beneath his toque is curly from the wet snowflakes and his cheeks are flushed red.

I pick up my hot chocolate and take a long sip. It's hot, but not hot enough to burn my tongue. I embrace the warm feeling that spreads through my chest and the sweet taste that lingers on my tongue.

Isaac sits beside me and grabs the thermos from beneath the bench. He pops the lid open, pours more hot chocolate into his Yeti mug, and then offers me a refill. I hold my mug out, watching as the steaming liquid fills it to the top.

"Want any marshmallows?" he asks.

I shake my head. "No, thanks. Marshmallows are great, but I prefer them in s'mores. They make hot chocolate too sweet for me."

Grinning, he shrugs. "More for me."

While Isaac piles the marshmallows into his drink, I admire the outdoor rink. Although Christmas has passed, twinkling lights are still strung between the street-lamps. The lights are baby-pink and white, creating a warm glow that reflects off of the ice. With Valentine's Day around the corner, I think the addition of the lights is adorable. Hopefully, lots of people are drawn here. The more people there are, the more likely the city is to continue maintenance and fun decorations.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Isaac asks.

I look at him and smile. "It's stunning. Thanks so much for this, Isaac. I've had a lot of fun. And that dinner? Ugh. It was delicious. I'll be dreaming about that carbonara for weeks to come."

He chuckles. "Weeks? More like months. The lobster mac and cheese melted in my mouth. We'll, uh, have to go again. If that's something you want to do." He rubs the back of his neck and looks away, hiding the intensification of his already-red cheeks.

A funny feeling spreads through my stomach. Isaac is a great man. He's been nothing but respectful and aware, always asking if I'm comfortable either with the location or small gestures like him holding my hand. What's concerning to me is the eagerness in his voice. Based on my perception, it seems like Issac wants to take this relationship to the next step. Which isn't something I'm ready for. There's a lot of aftermath I still need to deal with in relation to committing to a relationship.

"Isaac," I say. "Tonight has been... Well, it's been perfect. Getting out and having fun was something I needed, and I love spending time with you. There's just... I need more time before we take this any further. I've been through a lot this past year." I take a deep breath and reach out to grasp his hand. "Then there's also Kaleb and Melody. I know they're not my responsibility, but they're two of my greatest friends. Right now, they're the highlight of my life. If we decide to nurture this relationship, I don't want you feeling unappreciated. There are a lot of factors at play, some of which I can't control. But I would love to continue to spend time with you. Maybe I could take you somewhere next time. It might be significantly cheaper, but it'll be fun."

Isaac smiles and squeezes my hand. "Relationships happen between two people. Ella, if you're not ready, you don't need to explain anything to me. Even if you never feel ready or simply don't want to date, I'll be content being your friend." He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses my knuckles. "Thank you for giving me a chance."

His words are almost enough to bring me to tears. While Isaac and I have great chemistry, pain still lingers in my chest. There's a wound that needs more time to heal, and I respect Isaac for acknowledging my emotions. Unlike the previous men, he doesn't make me feel worthless. He doesn't make it seem like I'm overreacting and need to recalculate my reaction. There's nothing but respect.

After a sip of his drink, Isaac asks, "So, how are they doing? KJ doesn't talk much. I've been getting information from Shea, but even he's finding it hard to support KJ."

I roll my eyes—even if it is condescending. Kaleb making amends helped repair the bridges he was burning. But as accepting as he is of our support, he still isn't talking a lot about himself. Which is what worries me the most. The longer he lets his emotions simmer, the more volatile he becomes. All he wants to do is focus on Melody. Counselling has helped a little, but I still worry about him. He's not eating. He doesn't sleep through the night. Whenever he's on the ice, he fumbles once or twice with the puck.

I can't stop worrying about him because I care too much.

"Hey," Isaac says. His thumb wipes a tear from my cheek. "What's going on?"

I expel a shaky breath. A white cloud dissipates into the air. "It's Kaleb. He worries me, Isaac. There are days where he eats nothing. Nights when he's wandering through the house. He has every right to be worried about Melody, but he also needs to focus on himself. There has to be a balance. And no matter how many times I try to tell him that, he shuts me down. It makes me want to throttle him. Whack him over the head with a bat. Which I would never do because violence isn't the answer, but still. Shea feels the same way, too. Sometimes I swear me and Shea are the same person. Whenever Kaleb can't sleep, neither can we because we're too busy worrying about him. Then we're up all night texting each other about Kaleb." I rub my temple. "It's a treacherous cycle."

"Christ," Isaac says. He runs a hand through his hair. "I didn't know things were that bad."

"It's so shitty," I continue. "It... It reminds me of when we were dating. Only the roles were reversed. My parents went through a nasty divorce, and I couldn't sleep without Kaleb beside me. Then Brenna and Shea got involved in that bet, which Kaleb told me about without getting their permission. So I had to keep a secret from Brenna, even though I didn't want to, which made people think I was the villain. I swear Brenna thought I was working with Connor for a bit!" I pause amid my rant and shake my head. "Getting back to the point, I was feeling the effects of my parents' divorce while being worried about Brenna and Shea, which was why I couldn't sleep. Not that I'm comparing our situations. Kaleb's is much, much worse. But without Kaleb there, back in high school... he was my logic. Which is what Melody is to him, and he's fucking losing her! It's not fair! The support he needs can't even be there because he has to give her support. I fucking hate it. He doesn't deserve this. Kaleb deserves the world!"

My rambling rant ends with a frustrated breath. The cold air stings my lungs, and I welcome the pain. All my frustrations are coming out now that this conversation has started. As selfish as it sounds, Melody's impending death is affecting me too. Watching the people you love suffer is a horrible feeling.

Isaac is silent for a few seconds. "Ella." His voice is soft. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're still in love with KJ?"

I blink. "What?"

Isaac doesn't look upset and his voice stays calm. "It's possible, isn't it? You were living in his basement. Now you're living in their house, taking care of Melody. It sounds like he vents a lot to you. Trust can form a connection. Plus, there's history between you two." He ends his sentence with a shrug. "It's possible, right? Sometimes love fools us by disguising itself as something else. Like caring too much."

Shock radiates through me. His words are obscene... They... They make little sense... I... I...

My eyebrows furrow in thought. Kaleb and I have been spending lots of time together. Melody's treatments are zapping the energy from her, so she goes to bed early most of the time. After that, Kaleb and I will usually clean the kitchen or talk in the living room. Sometimes I'll have a glass of wine and he'll enjoy a strong whisky sipper. Melody dominates our conversation topics, but sometimes we'll discuss the past and other topics that are lighter. We've laughed and cried and discussed social issues. There's always a conversation between Kaleb and I.

I never thought that our time together would reignite my old feelings. But Isaac has a point. Kaleb and Melody are two of my best friends, but watching Kaleb fall apart has been the hardest for me. He's always so positive and goofy, and he has such a kind heart.

Shit.

Rubbing my jaw, I stare out at the ice. It's painted a soft pink from the glow of the lights. The ice is imperfect, marked from the blades of our skates. The longer I stare, the more I realize Isaac's right. The reason I can't commit to a relationship isn't just because of trauma. Part of the reason is that I still love Kaleb—I don't think I ever stopped.

With the realization comes a wave of guilt. Kaleb and Melody are married! And she's sick. Having feelings for Kaleb makes me feel immature. This isn't the right time or place to be pining over my ex. Then there's the fact that I was inadvertently leading Isaac on.

When I look at Isaac, I feel a tear slip down my cheek. "I'm sorry, Isaac."

He wipes the tear from my cheek. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Ella."

I take a few deep breaths, gaining control of the tears. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Isaac's smile is sympathetic. "It hurts a little. I thought I had a chance with you. But, Ella, I'm not upset. You liking someone else doesn't mean I'm going to lose my temper or hate you. Like I said, I'm content with being friends. I'm not entitled to tell you who to love. If you love Kaleb, then I support you." He pauses and chuckles. "Seems like we're both in the same boat, anyway. Desiring someone we can't have. It's kind of funny."

Perhaps it's my unstable emotions or the point he's made. Either way, I burst out laughing. Soon, we're both laughing until tears are running down our cheeks. Good thing the outdoor skating rink is vacant, otherwise people might shoot us questionable looks.

When the laughter dies down, I rest my head on his shoulder and sigh. He wraps his arm around my shoulders. Having his arm around my shoulders makes me feel, for the first time in a while, safe. His cologne is warm with a hint of spice, reminding me of the holidays; those late nights when you're sitting by the fire with a hot cup of apple cider.

Forcing my mind to focus on someone else while my heart longs for Kaleb is unfair. As guilty as I feel, there's nothing wrong with desiring someone as long as you don't act on your emotions. Which is something I will never do. Part of me wishes I could force myself to feel more attraction towards Isaac. There are so many good things about him. Any woman who gives him a chance is lucky. But I just can't. He's a good friend and a good person, but nothing more.

"You're a good person, Isaac," I whisper.

"So are you, Ella," he replies.