Ella

After going out for dinner with my uncle, I head home. Kaleb stops by to make sure I'm doing okay. It's surprising to see him. Clearly, he's here for a reason. I invite him in. Today's been stressful for everyone. I also think Kaleb needs some time away from Melody. He needs to build up some healthy coping mechanisms. Whenever he's around Melody, he focuses on her and not himself. Which is fair, but that's how burnout occurs: you work too hard and don't focus on your personal health.

After he sits down at the island, I grab him a glass of water. I offer something stronger, but he declines. It's understandable. They were at a pub earlier. Had Uncle Ray not invited me out for dinner, I would've joined the gang at the pub. He takes two long gulps of the water and then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"What's up?" I ask.

Glancing at the ceiling, he sighs. "The ceiling? The sky? Everything?"

I snort. "That sounded like a dad joke."

His lips pull to the side. "That was a shitty joke." He sighs again. "Life's a clusterfuck, Ella. That's what's up. I feel like every time I'm about to catch my breath, another wave envelopes me. There's too much going on. Too much to fear for the future."

Melancholy echoes in my heart. I'd trade places with Melody if I could. To save Kaleb from the inevitable heartbreak he'll face. I think most of us are in that boat—especially Kaleb. But we have to come to terms with Melody's illness.

"I mean, there's plenty to look forward to. At least we get to have our wedding and spend our last months together. We have time to adapt. It's just... It's so fucking unfair. She doesn't deserve this."

"Neither do you," I say.

Kaleb stumbles over his next words. In fact, he says nothing. All he does is stare at me, as if he's waiting for an explanation. Which I refuse to give him. Jokingly, you could make an argument if Shea was in Kaleb's position. He had no awareness of the people around him. But Kaleb has always been one to put others first. All throughout high school and Shea's antics, he never strayed from his best friend. Nor did he leave me behind. No one can match the effort Kaleb Rose Jones puts into a relationship. Even when people are dragging their weight. Kaleb is always running at one-hundred-per cent.

Maybe, for once in his life, he needs to stop supplying the support and accept it instead. If he doesn't, he'll push himself too hard and when the inevitable comes, he'll fall harder than ever.

"You know it's okay to be scared, right?" I ask. "Kaleb, you may break down too."

My voice is tender. I'm treading in a sensitive environment here. Losing someone to cancer is something I've never experienced, so I can't fully understand what Kaleb is going through. I'm losing Melody as a best friend. Not as my lover. There is a significant difference there. It's a different type of love.

He furrows his brows. "Of course I do."

I purse my lips and arch both eyebrows. "Do you? Because all I've seen is a mask." I rub the heel of my hand against my forehead. "Maybe you're more comfortable confiding in Shea. That's understandable. So stop me if I'm wrong, Kaleb, but you seem to put on an act. Which you shouldn't have to do. Your emotions are valid. Sadness and happiness can coexist. You should take time to understand everything."

His posture stiffens. "What am I supposed to do, Ella? I need to act out of this. I'm a professional hockey player who isn't supposed to let my home life impede my job. They don't give a fuck about my mental health. We had to do something today! They don't even care about a player sexually assaulting a teammate's wife! For fuck's sake! You're overstepping your boundaries. Get off of my case!"

Now we're getting somewhere.

I toss my hands up in the air, channeling the arguments we used to have in high school. In order to make Kaleb talk, I need to push his buttons. My approach is decisive, but bottled up emotions are causing this tension radiating from him. He needs an outlet. I'll gladly be that outlet. My guess is that there are some things he's too scared to talk about with the others. 

"What boundaries? There have never been boundaries between us, Kaleb! You and I, despite our romantic relationship being over a long time ago, have always been honest with each other. That is the one fucking thing we kept. We've always been good at communication. I'm worried about you. Worried that if you don't dedicate some time to yourself, the explosion will be nuclear. There are healthy ways to cope."

He snorts, pushing up from the stool. "Says the one with daddy issues. You couldn't cope with your shit, Ella. You still can't."

He turns his back to me and starts heading down the hallway.

My mouth drops open. Kicking off my slippers, I scoop them up from the ground and toss them at Kaleb. One whacks him in the head. The other collides with his lower back. They fall to the floor with two distinct thumps.

He flinches, rubbing the back of his head. I think I hear a curse word. 

"Fuck you, Kaleb. Don't turn this on me. You're the one who's suffering. I'm the one who's worried about her friend. I never caused the problems with my father, but we can discuss that another time. Right now, this conversation is about you."

When quietness follows, I walk over to him and rest my hand on his shoulder. My voice is soft again. "Kaleb. Tonight was rough for you. You can talk to me. I know you need to. You have that look again. There's so much tension in your jaw." I pause, biting my lip. "We may not be dating, but I still know you. Some things, like mannerisms, don't change. You're hurting, Kaleb."

Kaleb turns around. His eyes are glassy with tears. Tears he's trying to fight. I watch as his composure falters. His face contorts into the definition of pain. Collapsing to the ground, his knees hit the hardwood floor. Then he drops his face into his hands and sobs.

His sobs are relentless. They cause his body to shake. His chest to heave.

"I'm losing her, Ella," he hiccups.

Kneeling, I wrap my arms around Kaleb's fragile body. It's an odd adjective to use. He's nothing but muscle beneath his sweater, but everything about him seems to be made of glass. These tears he's shedding are the cracks getting bigger and bigger.

He pulls me in for a tight hug and buries his face in my neck. His breath is hot against my cool skin and he smells like stale alcohol and fried food.

"I'm jealous of Shea and Brenna having a kid. I'm jealous of Isaac showing interest in you. I'm jealous of everyone. Everyone is so fucking happy it makes me sick. I hate that life continues to move forward without me. That every single fucking day, we get closer and closer to Mel passing away. I sound like a selfish prick. A green-eyed monster. But it's the truth! There is so much jealousy and anger and sadness rushing through my blood, it feels like my body is vibrating with it. Everything I do—even this wedding—is fucking hopeless because I know it won't bring her back. Nothing will. One day, I'll wake up without her. She'll be a figment of my memories. Nothing more."

A sob breaks free from my lips. I had no idea how much this was affecting him, but I'm glad he's told me. Even if it hurts like hell. 

I hug him tighter. Watching Kaleb fall apart... I knew it would be hard. Yet somehow I failed to predict just how raw his emotions would be. Pain laces his voice, and it spreads like poison through the house. It saturates every molecule until I feel like I'm suffocating.

"What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live without her? Ella, I can't handle this. Losing Mel will shatter me." He hiccups. "And then there's this shit with Brenna. What if I lose my job? I want justice for Brenna. But the NHL is cagey. If I lose my job for doing the right thing, I'll be pissed. I worked so fucking hard to get here..."

He trails off, shaking his head. "Fuck, I'm so selfish. Talking about my job when the woman I love is dying."

I press a kiss to Kaleb's forehead. Nothing will be okay. I can't use sugar to hide the bitterness. I refuse to spin lies.

"You're not selfish. What you're talking about is practical. Everything you feel is valid. You will make it through this, Kaleb. It won't be a peaceful journey, but I know you can. You have everyone rallying for you. Just remember that. We'll be here in whatever way we can. Through the pain and sadness, we'll be here, ready to weather the storm with you."

He tightens his arms around me, muttering something incoherent.

I blink rapidly, trying to prevent more tears from falling. Instead, I focus on the good. On the trust that still stands strong between us. It's a familiar feeling. Actually... everything about him is familiar. From the smell of his cologne to the firmness of his hug. It's so... so... so Kaleb.

What doesn't suit him is the broken heart. The sadness echoing in his bones. It makes me miss his cheesy humour, his knack for teasing, and his optimistic outlook on life.

The world is ruthless. It steals the light from good people and puts them in burdensome situations, never knowing when enough is too much. There should be a balance, like there is between night and day. We need the sunrise to promise a new beginning, like we need the sunset to promise an end. Something definitive in a boundless world.

Boundless.

That's the word that lingers in my mind. Pain is boundless, and this is just the beginning for Kaleb.

I tighten my arms around him again, letting his sobs ring in my ears.