[A/N: Songs for the chapter:
- Sia // Breathe Me
- Jason Walker // Everybody Lies]

I had no idea where I was but I didn't care. The alleyway was deserted and I needed a place to rest now that it was nighttime. My muscles were numb with pain and I could barely place one foot in front of the other after I ran nonstop for an hour and walked the remaining five hours. But even the searing lactic acid that crippled my legs couldn't match the gaping hole in my chest. It was large and bottomless like the trust I had placed in Tyler.

At least while I was running, the pain in my thighs managed to chase away my thoughts but now that I was slumped on the ground, breathing raggedly for air, I was forced to face my hectic, intoxicating thoughts.

Tomorrow, Mom was going to force me to see Dr Jillian and that woman knew all the right questions to ask until I choked out an answer or two. Even if I refused to participate, they would find a way to make me confess my dreams and everything I had been seeing.

What if they were right? What if I did have PTSD?

A sudden vibration jolted me back into reality and I glanced down at my trembling hands. My phone screen reflected light onto my palms and through my unshed tears, I lifted it to my face, blinking repeatedly as his name appeared beside his handsome face.

Tyler was calling me.

This was the seventh time he had called in the past ten minutes but there was no way I could pick up. Pressing myself closer against the wall, I curled up into a ball and sobbed into my palms, drowning my cellphone as it continued to vibrate all night.

But I wasn't going to pick up.

I didn't think I ever could.

**

My eyeballs were parched, desperate for all the moisture I had cried out in the past few hours. I wasn't sure how long I spent on the ground in that alleyway but my head ached, my eyes ached, my chapped lips ached, my runny nose ached, my mind ached. But most of all, my chest ached. It throbbed like a wound that had been left to fester; broken, bloodied and bruised.

When drowsiness beckoned me to sleep, my mind protested that no matter how delirious and exhausted I felt right now, falling asleep in an alleyway wasn't the wisest of choices. I rubbed my sore eyelids and sat up, scanning my whereabouts before I tried to scramble to my feet. Since I used up all of my energy crying and running, I couldn't stand upright for more than a second so I slumped back onto the ground.

With a helpless whimper, I retrieved my cellphone from the ground, surprised that I hadn't cracked the screen when I tossed it in despair earlier. I squinted at the screen, ignoring the sixty-two miscalls I had from Tyler and kept scrolling until I found the only other person who would willingly pick me up without a second thought even if it ruined her beauty regime of getting eight hours of sleep every night.

"Ash?" Mona groaned, letting out a monstrous yawn as if I had woken her up. "It's almost two in the morning so unless you want a fist up your ass you bette–"

"M-Mona," I blubbered before breaking into a sob. "C-Can you pick me up p-p-please?"

My eyes screamed, protesting at the idea of parting with more tears but they appeared out of nowhere and suddenly I was doubling over, struggling to hold myself together.

"Ashley? Ash!" Mona hammered in my ears, her voice no longer thick with sleep. "Jesus Ash, calm down...What's going on? Are you okay? What happened? Why are you crying? Did someone hurt you? Where are you?"

"I d-don't know," I sobbed, looking at the inky black sky and scanning the brick red buildings that surrounded me, coated in a layer of black soot.

Somehow, through my incoherent sobs and Mona's frantic questions, she managed to figure out where I was through a detailed description of the nearest street and the route I took to get here. She made me promise to stay put and hung up, leaving me to dwell upon how Tyler would never have hung up on me. He would have kept me talking or cracked his lame jokes even if it put him at risk while he was driving.

Despair forced me to curl up on the ground and I closed my eyes, letting tears trickle into my hair as I clutched my stomach and cursed the big man up there for throwing me a bigger bite than I could chew when it came to hardships in life.

I just wanted to be okay; and Tyler did that. He made me feel okay. In fact, he made me feel amazing all the damn time and here I was, ignoring his calls because his betrayal twisted my gut into coils that I couldn't unwind.

An hour later, two arms latched onto my shoulders and I screamed, only to be silenced by brown eyes that flickered in the orange glow that the street lights emitted.

"Ash?" Mona let out a low whistle when she helped me to my feet. My knees buckled and if it wasn't for her tight grip, I would have smacked my face into the ground. "Holy shit, what happened to you?"

Her question only made me cry harder so she frowned deeply and held back any curiosity until we were in her car. I ignored her secretive glances and turned up the radio, winding down the window so the brisk breeze could dry the tears on my cheeks as they rolled down and seeped into my shirt.

As she eased me out of her car, we stumbled through her house and she gently laid me down on her bed after forcing me into a pair of Chloe's pyjamas. My aching head throbbed from the excessive crying and it felt like my veins were filled with molasses. Mona paced her room, holding her cellphone to her ears. Just as my eyes fluttered closed, I heard her hiss into her phone, wild with rage.

"You fucking douchebag, what did you do to her?"

My mind was too slow to make the connection since I was falling in and out of consciousness.

"Let you talk to her? What are you? Stupid?" Mona hissed, shooting a glance at me to check that I was still asleep. I flung my eyelids shut and breathed heavily, exaggerating the rise and fall of my chest until I was certain she was no longer looking at me.

When I cracked over my eyelids, Mona was no longer pacing his room but staring out of the window. She held the curtain open and glared at the sky, listening to whatever Tyler had to say before her features crumpled up with disbelief.

"Are you kidding me?" She hissed and I wondered if my boyfriend explained everything to Mona.

He wouldn't do that, I thought quietly. Despite the gaping crack that Tyler had wedged between us, he would never betray my trust and tell her my deepest secrets.

But he already has. He betrayed your trust and told your mom everything, a voice in my mind whispered back.

"I found her curled up on the fucking ground in the middle of nowhere....No, you listen here, I don't care if I don't know the full story!" She paused, rubbing the crease between her brow and exhaled sharply. "If you could see her right now Tyler..."

Mona glanced over her shoulders and this time I couldn't pretend to be asleep anymore. Our eyes locked and she mustered a forceful smile. Turning her attention back to Tyler, she grunted into the phone and frankly, I'd never heard my friend curse more in my entire life than I did during that five minute call.

"We'll talk later asshole. I'm not in the mood to hear your bullshit when it's three in the morning."

Mona hung up and tossed her phone to the ground making me wince when it slammed into the wall. When she slumped down onto the bed beside me, I turned to my side and eyed my friend in the dark as her shoulders shook with fury. Terror flitted across my eyes until her gaze softened but her brown eyes were steel, hard and rigid. Although it was nowhere near the scale of fury I'd seen in guys like Tyler, Jonah or Dylan, her dilated pupils terrified me as they studied my puffy lips, scarlet nose and bloodshot eyes.

"What the heck went down tonight? He's still driving around town searching for you," Mona arched an eyebrow, pushing her hair back until it stood upright in all directions.

A pang in my chest caused me to wheeze and brown eyes flickered with remorse.

"No, no, please don't cry again," She said quickly, "I have enough snot on my shirt to last me a lifetime."

The corners of my lips twitched at her attempt to make me smile but I shook my head at her first question.

"I don't want to t-talk about it," I croaked as she scooted closer and pursed her full lips, wondering whether to push me to talk or not.

Dark with anger and dull with exhaustion, weary eyes scanned my glassy eyes until I blinked at her to leave me be for the night. Mona nodded and sunk her head deeper into her pillow, frowning at the stick-on-stars that were scattered across her ceiling.

"Fine, have it your way Ash," She pulled me into her chest and stroked my hair as I bit back the waterworks in an attempt to catch a few hours of sleep. "But tomorrow you have a great deal of explaining to do."

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, struggling to draw any oxygen into my lungs when the thought of an explanation filled my mind. Did she want to know about what went down tonight or did she want to know what all of this stemmed from? If it was the latter option then I would rather set myself on fire and drink the water that could put me out because an explanation meant the truth. All of it.

**

My eyelids were glued together with a sickening amount of gunk but just because I couldn't see, that didn't mean my hearing was impaired. Hushed whispers filled the room, angry and rushed as two people fought just metres away from me. I tried to ignore them by burying my face further into the pillow but the events of last night flickered behind my eyelids and a silent sob racked through me.

"I can't believe you told him she was here! We agreed that–"

"He was going out of his mind! He turned up to my house at three a.m. looking like hell!"

"So what?" Mona hissed, pausing for a second. "She looks worse!"

A pause filled the room and I felt the weight of their gazes as they looked at me. Feigning a deep slumber, I breathed more heavily until I was certain they were no longer watching me.

Blake sighed heavily, "You haven't seen how bad Ty looks."

Mona shrieked with frustration.

"I don't care how he looks! I care about what the hell he did to break Ashley," She paused, breathing heavily as she began to pace the room. A person her size should have fluttered around the room with feet so small but her footsteps were louder than a stampede of elephants. "I've never seen her like this Blake. She couldn't even stand up by herself! I think whatever is going on runs much deeper than whatever Tyler's making it out to be."

"He said they had a fight and I believe him," Blake snapped.

"Well I don't believe it. You should have seen the way her face paled yesterday when I dropped her home after school. It was like she'd seen a ghost. He lied to her that he had some soccer shit to do."

"So? Maybe he had a valid reason," Blake defended his best friend. "And we're gonna found out whatever the hell has been happening because Tyler's on his way. I had to put him out of his misery and tell him that she was safe and sound over here."

"What do you mean he's on his way?" Mona shrieked and I shuddered. "You did not tell him!"

"I did. I'm sorry babe."

"Sorry?" Her voice began incredibly high pitched and I felt the urge to clamp my hands over my ears. "Sorry? I specifically told you not to tell that asshole a thing!"

"That 'asshole' is my best friend," Blake exclaimed, raising his voice to match Mona's.

"And I'm your motherfucking girlfriend," She yelled before lowering her voice when she realised I was still asleep. "Tell Tyler she's not here anymore."

In a tight voice, he replied. "I can't do that!"

"Why not? Come on, she's gonna start crying again if she wakes up to find him here."

"I'm not calling him to lie."

"Blake!"

"He'll never forgive me for lying to him and I only just got him back!"

She scoffed, "What about Ash? Doesn't she mean anything to you?"

"Of course she does!"

"Then tell him she's–"

The shrill doorbell cut them off and I froze, bolting upright and rubbing my eyes with my palms. Both Mona and Blake jumped with surprise but my focus was on the echoing ring that shuddered the walls of my heart.

"Jesus Ash, you couldn't pick a better time to wake up, could you?" Blake held a hand over his chest and raked the other one through his tousled hair.

"Blake get the door!" Mona barked while we all stared at each other in silence. "And you better do what I said! Send him away or I'll boot you and your damn best friend out of this world and into the sun where you can burn together."

He snapped out of the trance we were all under and jogged out of the room. Meanwhile, Mona closed the door and darted over to me, crawling across the bed before she clasped her dainty hands onto my cheeks.

"Tyler's here?" I whimpered and began to tremble when sudden yells broke out downstairs.

"Everything is going to be fine," Mona ran her hands through the curls that framed my face before clasping my shoulders. "He can't hurt you now. I won't let him come near you if that's what you want."

"It's what I need," I corrected her and she kissed my forehead quickly.

"Okay girl, don't cry," She murmured, swiping her thumbs under my eyes to catch fresh tears. "No boy is worth your tears."

I was surprised by the venom that laced her tone but didn't get a chance to respond because of the loud yells downstairs. Mona shot off the bed and held a finger up, motioning that she was only going to be gone for a minute before she sprinted out of the room faster than the speed of light. I jumped out of bed and waddled to the window where the commotion was taking place. Peeking behind the curtain, my knees buckled at the sight of dishevelled blond hair.

Blake was right; Tyler looked a mess.

His eyes were shadowed with dark rings that looked like week-old bruises, stark against his alarmingly pale face. He was still wearing yesterday's clothes, though they were rumpled and creased. I cover my lips with a hand to suppress my loud sobs, using the wall to keep me standing when I felt the urge to fall to ground and cry.

Tyler was in a heated argument with Mona who waved her hands frantically, motioning him to get lost even though Blake stood between them, wide eyed and torn between choosing a side. A stone dropped inside my stomach. My friend was questioning his loyalties between his best friend and his girlfriend and nobody should have to make that choice. If I was in his position could I do the same? Could I pick between Taylor and Tyler?

My decision to hide out in Mona's room was wedging a gap between my friends.

"How many times do I have to tell you she doesn't want to see you!" She shrieked, shoving Tyler's chest when he tried to stride past her.

"And how many times do I have to tell you that I don't give a shit! Let me in. I just need to talk to her!"

When Tyler tried to barge past her again, she stumbled and careered into Blake's chest. Suddenly, Blake was forced to choose between his girlfriend and his best friend. Tyler shoved his best friend to the side and tried to dart into the house but Blake slapped an ironclad grip onto my boyfriend's shoulder, rooting him place as he placed himself between the door and Tyler.

"She doesn't want to see you bro. Just go home and cool off," He shoved Tyler until he staggered backwards from the impact.

I watched my boyfriend flex his fingers and the muscle in his jaw jumped the way it always did before he was about to lose his shit. Knowing that this were getting out of hand pretty fast, I pushed myself away from the window and limped out of the room, wincing at the effort my stiff muscles had to put in as I clambered down the stairs.

By the time I reached the door, Blake had shoved Tyler back again and Mona was screaming at him to leave.

"Stop it guys!" I screeched, hobbling out of the front door and stepping between my friends and my boyfriend. "Just stop it! P-Please!"

Blake's hands instantly dropped to his sides whereas Tyler's hands reached out for me, desperate for the same comfort I craved in his arms. For a split second, I nearly gave into his handsome face until I remembered what he had done and I jerked back. Hurt graced his features and his arms dropped to his sides like a heavy weight that dragged him down.

"Mona, Blake, go inside and close the door," I demanded in a strong voice, keeping my gaze locked on Tyler. "This is going to get loud."

"But Ash–" She was cut off when Blake latched an hand around her wrist and pulled her inside.

"Let them talk this out. It's none of our business," He mumbled, shooting a glance over shoulder at us before he shut the door.

I could still hear her protests although she must have succumbed because all that followed afterwards was silence. Turning around, I faced bloodshot sea-green eyes before feeling my own prickle with a fresh set of tears.

"Ashley, I'm so sorry–" Tyler started, attempting to close the distance between us but I shoved him back.

"No! Don't you dare try to talk yourself out of what you did. You betrayed me Tyler! I confided in you. I let you in. I told you everything - things I've never told anyone because you were upset I wasn't giving you all of me...well I did! I gave you all of me! All of me! I fucking gave you everything I had to give up and you went behind my back and lied right to my face!" I cried, seething with fury as I sobbed into my hands. "So d-don't you d-dare say you're sorry!"

Tyler stepped forward, agonised and aware that I needed his comfort more than anything but I feebly slapped his arm away.

"You're breaking down Ash! Somebody had to do something! And don't act like I did this to deliberately hurt you! I did it for you! I did what needed to be done!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air before pushing his hair back.

"No you did what you thought needed to be done and there's a big difference there!" I screamed through my tears.

"I'm just trying to do what's best for you even if you don't realise it now!"

I scoffed, gripping my hair with frustration.

"I trusted you!" I strode forward, shoving him backward before pounding my fists against his chest. "I fucking trusted you! How could you do this to me? How could you hurt me like this? You b-broke me Tyler! You've broken me into so many pieces that I can't piece myself back together!"

He curled his fingers around my wrists and held them to his chest, imprisoning me as I squirmed. He held me there until I realised that resisting would get me nowhere so I breathed deeply, closed my eyes and counted to sixty. Once my emotions were under control, I wrenched my hands away from his loose grip and pushed my hair away from my face.

"Why did you tell my mom everything?" I asked in a small voice, keeping my eyes shut because I knew that if I drank in the sight of his beautiful, broken face I would dissolve into a set of hysterical tears.

"I couldn't stand to watch you destroy yourself any longer," His voice broke and I whimpered at the pain he was in. My teeth clamped my bottom lip down until it stopped quivering. "I can't continue to watch you hurt yourself like this."

"I'm not doing anything!" I protested as I opened my eyes, throwing my hands in the air when his eyes flashed.

"And that's the problem! I can't watch you..." He trailed off and shoved a hand through his hair, raking it back until golden locks feathered and stood tall. He let out a shaky breath. "Look, I watched Taylor suffer and I can't...I just can't go through all that again."

I looked at him as tears slipped past my cheeks, salty and abundant, licking my chapped lips when they seeped into the corner of my mouth. An ominous chill settled inside my stomach and spread through my body, freezing my heart when he spoke again, repeating the same words until it felt like an ice pick was taking a swing at my heart.

"This isn't the same thing!" I cried.

"It's exactly the same thing! You're in pain Ash. I see it in your eyes all the damn time and there's nothing I can do about it because you won't let me help you. At least you have a choice to get better," His voice dwindled into a harsh whisper, eyes blazing with accusation and an ounce of disbelief. "Taylor never got a choice and I wish you'd realise that before it's too late."

Tyler's words sent me reeling back, smacking into me with more impact that incoming truck and I staggered back.

"For the last time, this isn't the same thing! I do not have leukaemia! I am not dying! And I sure as hell do not have PTSD!" I snapped, shoving his chest as hard as I could but he didn't budge the slightest bit.

"You avoid activities and places that remind you of the car accident. You find it hard to concentrate and you're always spacing out when people talk to you. And don't lie to me that you daydream a lot because I've watched you space out on me a lot of times. You have intense physical reactions like headaches, breathing struggles, nausea and all kinds of shit whenever your father is mentioned by anyone who doesn't know what happened. And don't even get me started on your nightmares!" Tyler shook his head, wringing his hands together as I frowned deeply. "That's almost all of the symptoms and I'm not even going to tell you what happens when post traumatic stress disorders are left untreated."

Speechless, I focused on my heart rate and tried to drown out Tyler's words as I tried to slow it down. Breathing deeply, I counted to sixty under my breath and his face softened when he realised that I was close to hyperventilating.

"I'm sorry Ash, I can't...I really can't watch the only person in the world who gets me, become an empty shell. I've done everything. I've given you time, someone to talk to and I'll even give you space if that's what you need. I'll pack my bags, go to New York and stay with my parents. I'll go to the fucking edge of the world and disappear if that's what you need to get better. I'll give you anything you want - anything - just name it. Name it and I'll do it."

When Tyler's voice broke, I almost doubled over but I managed to stay upright, I managed to hold his gaze, I managed to breathe through all the heart ache. I don't know how, but I managed.

"I don't want space or time or someone to talk to. And please don't say that you'd leave. I don't want you to bail out on me. Not now Tyler, please not now," I whimpered, rubbing my temples to ease the stampede of elephants that were running riot inside my skull. "I just want to stop feeling like this all the time. I want these dreams to stop so if you can make that happen, then I'll accept whatever help you have to offer."

Stormy sea green eyes flashed with helplessness, dimming down with defeat and I'd recognise that look anywhere. It was the way Tyler looked at his sister during her last month, like, like...like he wanted to be in her place instead.

"I can't make your dreams go away, you know that," He zipped up his coat and scratched his nose, staring at the sky like he was cursing god or whoever was putting me through so much hell. When his eyes snapped back to mine they were filled with a sadness that squeezed my chest and I wheezed. "Only you can do that Ash."

"How?" I exclaimed, running a hand through my hair and screeching when they got tangled up in knotted curls. "I've tried everything! Every-fucking-thing!"

"Give Dr Jillian another go," He stepped closer to me, running his hands along the length of my arms and a shiver rocked through me. "Try again. Try harder. You have me this time and I promise I'll be there for you the way you were for me."

My knees knocked into each other as a tremor passed through my liquid limbs and I struggled to hold his gaze so I focused on his red Vans. He had probably thrown them on in a haste since his white laces pooled onto the ground. As his shoes became a blur, I focused on blinking back my tears but they splashed between my bare feet, dotting the concrete with dark circles.

My gut lurched at the idea of digging up my horrifying nightmares and voicing them aloud. I couldn't allow Dr Jillian to pick and prod at them. I didn't think I could let her in the way I managed to do with Tyler. It was different with her; she made my insides coil into a tight spring and her questions made that spring shoot up. And it was painful. It was so painful.

"I sorry Tyler," My voice broke and my eyes stung as they pleaded me to keep the waterworks at bay. "You know I just can't."

Tyler stepped back and disappointment flickered across his face before he shut down. The guy I had grown to love disappeared and the sea green eyes that blinked back at me were devoid of all emotions.

"All I know is that you won't...I guess there isn't much I can do for you anymore because I can't watch you do this to yourself. I really can't Ashley."

The distance between us stretched wider than the Pacific Ocean even though he was still close enough for me to make out each and every freckle that was splattered across the bridge of his nose. They were so faint and I felt the urge to touch them and trace his sharp cheekbones and his strong jawline. I wanted to lose myself in his kisses, I wanted to lose myself in him.

Tyler couldn't make my problems go away but he could make me forget about them and that was close to perfect. His large hands cupped my face and I closed my eyes, relishing in the sensations that rippled beneath my skin when his lips grazed my forehead.

"You're stronger than you think, and if you found in your heart to take a chance with me again after all that I did to you, then you're capable of doing anything," Tyler dropped his hands from my face, running them along the length of my arm before they found my fingers. "Nobody is forcing you anymore. But you're on your own now."

There was an ominous under-layer that bittered his tone, hardening every word until it chilled my skin. Goosebumps ripple over my bare arms. I flinched, waiting for Tyler to pick up on my discomfort but he squeezed my hands and held my gaze until I understood the meaning of his words. My heart plummeted to the ground, sprawling it's severed vessels out into the open and I stared at the bloody mess before whimpering.

"Are you giving up on us?"

My voice was brittle like glass, capable of shattering any moment soon and I watched Tyler's face blur as tears lined my vision. He stared at our feet with conflicted eyes, struggling to maintain his composure although his bottom lip quivered a fraction until he rolled it into his mouth and sucked on it.

"I don't know munchkin. That's a decision for you to make because I just don't know," He looked up from the ground, sea-green sadness sweeping me off my feet. "I really don't know what to do with you anymore."

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[A/N: Hey, I've been getting a few complaints about proofreading my chapters but I don't think some of you understand just how hard it is to write 6000+ worded chapters everyday and spend an additional two hours editting them and proofreading them so please give me a break, I really am trying my hardest to deliver daily updates.

Anyway, back to this chapter...WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? Hahahaha, god I love messing with your emotions.

Chapter 58: Forgiveness At Last

It's pretty self explanatory so... ;)

Umm about tomorrow's update...I have to go to the Birmingham Univeristy open day so I have to leave my house at 7am and I won't get back to London by 10pm so I'm not sure if I should just double update today or skip and post it on Saturday. I already have the next chapter written but it needs to be editted so tell me if you want it up today and I'll post it <3

Please don't be mad or disappointed, I'm trying my hardest to keep everybody happy and lately I've been feeling down about how many hours I've been spending on this story. It's sucking the joy out of my favourite hobby because I'm stressing about it so much.

Love you the moon and back(if you get the Taylor Swift reference, god bless you),
- Kaddy]