If I could, I would save you from this moment and the moments after. I would of picked you up carried you away and told you, " you would never have to feel this way. You would have never have to take it this far." If I would have known I could have saved you!
~mento

Dear younger self,
       She was suppose to grow up to be something great, not what her parent defined her to be. She could of been the most powerful person in this story and let me tell you why. Because she could of been loved by a parent that would of bend backwards to make all their dreams come true. But her parent didn't know how to love but only one child at a time and played favorites. She had to learn how to survive a home that felt like she wasn't enough to be around anyone. Left alone in house that wasn't a home and moved even farther away so that they couldn't touch or rub her skin dry and her soul started to bleed. She was no longer a child but an adult toy for her own father, her fathers friend, and her cousins. She became unraveled and God I hope she finds the strength to heal.
Sincerely,
Adult you!

*************************************************

        I think I have written this entry more then five times in this damn room and I never seem to get the story right. I can't express this moment my five year old self could say or feel. But let me try again for the sake of the therapist and the sake of my nightmares.
    ENTRY 1: It starts the same every time: I'm waking up to my fifth birthday. I feel so excited that I will be five and that so many will show up to celebrate me. But it's like I literally woke up being five, I don't remember anything before these moments. It's literally feels that my life, my world didn't start till this moment. A moment that would tear me apart from loving to play in the summer sun. To feel the breeze on my face. Someone who loved camping and watching the stars. A child who just wanted someone to love and care for her. A father who would brush her hair and scare the monsters away. I would of never thought that the monster I had to be most fearful was not of the ones in my closet or the ones under my bed. It was my own parent who toke the five year old child and made her into a an adult. I can still feel the weight of his body pressed against me. The silent shhhs to let him finish. I can hear my silent pleas to stop. But I new there was no saving what was about to come and where I was gonna go or become. But lets get this straight this isn't even the best part. I was five barely had my soul hanging on to my body. In this moment i wanted to die. Suffocate right there and never breathe the same air as him. As I wake from cold sweats and tears. The nightmare will repeat almost every night and if its not the nightmare its as if I have possessed  a demon to come into my dreams and make me feel worse. It is in this moment that will hold my deepest fear of people and why I don't want no one to touch me. I mean if your father. The person who gave you life can see you as his please toy then why in the hell would I want to be here.