{This is not a Chapter. This is just a filler also, this is one of the best bits that John Mulaney has done}

Another story I heard about myself. This one happened in high school. We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. Her name was Pink Diamond. And her son Steven Universe went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And, Pink Diamond was an asshole. And one weekend she and her husband decided to leave town. Which you should never do if you're an asshole. And Steven Universe decided to throw a party at the teacher's house. Hurrah! And everyone around town heard about it And we all got up individually and thought: "Okay, let's go over there and destroy the place"

I walked into this party, everyone I had ever met was there. And everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. People were drinking like it was the Civil War. And a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised. We were like dogs without horses, we were running wild. 

I walked down hahaha. I walk down to the basement. They had a pool table in the basement. One chick I think her name was Jasper she a took a running start. And threw her body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid I think her name was Jinx found out which room was Pink Diamond's. And went upstairs and took a shit on his computer

So the party was going great.

I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a red cup. You've seen movies and I'm standing there, and I'm holding a red cup. And I'm starting to blackout. And I guess someone said like: "something, something police". And, then in a brilliant moment of word association. I yelled as loud as I could "fuck da police!". "Fuck da police!". And everyone else joined in. Picture that for a moment A hundred drunk white children yelling: "Fuck! Da! Police!". With the confidence of guys who have already been to jail. And aren't afraid of it anymore. You know that like. "I served my Nickle, you come and take me" confidence. But white children. The reason someone had said: "Something, something police" was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs. And got to the bottom of the basement. And looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling "Fuck da police" in his face And he was almost impressed He was like: "wow" And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went: "get the paddy wagon" And my friend Onyx, who is now a mother this woman now had maybe four kids. She grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled "SCATTER!"

And, everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Ratatouille when the humans come into the kitchen. And all the rats go in different ways. We all ran in different directions. I ran into the laundry room. And I jumped on the washing machine. And I crawled out through a window into the backyard. And now I'm running through the backyard and there's this big chain-linked fence. And I thought "I've never climbed a fence that high before" And then I woke up at home

On Monday, I went to school. Because that's what we did back then and I'm walking into the school building and who do I see. But Steven Universe. And he says to me "Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?". And I said "No" you know, like a liar. And he said "Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a shit on my dad's computer". "But the worse thing", he says. "The worse thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it" And I had that thought, that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have

Did. Did I do that? I figured no, I wouldn't have done that But,  I was never sure until, two years later

There were some oohs and laughter

Calm down, everyone. I'm watching tv with a friend named Painite that I also went to high school with. Two years later, we've graduated by now. We're playing video games for a couple of hours

And then Painite says to me: "Hey, come here, I want to show you something" And then he takes me into his bedroom. And then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. He shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people's parties over the years. And I look at him and just said: "Why? Why do you do this?" And Painite said: "Because it's the one thing you can never replace"

That's the end of that story, but how fucked up is that? Right? That's crazy! So I don't drink anymore