Mom and I sat down at the kitchen table, facing each other. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. I could sense her nervousness as she fumbled to find her words. Her face paled and the corners of her mouth pulled down. It was at that moment, I realized my mom had never planned on having having this conversation with me before. She would have been perfectly alright if her past never saw the light of day again.

I didn't understand her reluctance to open up to me. I had already seen the awful video, how much worse could the rest of the story really be?

"Jessa, please promise me you will not hold anything I tell you against your Dad or me. We made a lot of mistakes in the beginning of our relationship, but that is where I need to start so you understand."

"Please just tell me," I begged.

She took a deep breath and sighed.

"I met your Dad right out of high school. He was living and playing in a band with your Uncles at the time. He and I started sneaking around together, trying to keep it a secret. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we got together." She paused.

"Ok, that's how you got pregnant with me. So? I knew I wasn't planned." I didn't see how this story would change my mind about my parents. So what if they were sneaking around? That didn't make them bad people.

She sighed and lowered her head.

"It wasn't you, Sweet Pea. I was pregnant one time before I had you." She teared up when she said it.

I pulled my brows together and looked down to avoid the sadness in her eyes. I was having a hard time processing everything. She was pregnant before she had me? How was that possible? If she was, then why didn't I have an older brother or sister?

"What happened to the baby?" I asked the question, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know. Based on her body language, I had the gut-wrenching feeling that this is where the story was going to turn. There was a sour pit forming in my stomach and it didn't feel good at all.

"Your dad and I were fighting over the pregnancy. We both were way too young, stupid, and scared. He had his addiction problem that he was already battling that I had no idea about. Between that and his undiagnosed impulse disorder, your dad was out of control. I didn't really know much about him back then and didn't understand what was going on in his head. The stress of the pregnancy sent him tumbling over the edge. I had no idea how bad he was at the time and neither did anyone else. He made a lot of bad choices and said a lot of terrible things. One of those decisions included driving under the influence with me in the car. He was going too fast and we were fighting. Before I knew it, we hit a guardrail at full speed. I woke up in the hospital and he was gone. I lost the baby that night too."

"I'm sorry, mom." I croaked out in a small voice.

I wasn't sure how I felt about hearing this. I wanted to be angry with my dad, but I wasn't. I knew what it was like to be lost in your own head and knew how hard he worked every day to control it. My emotions were all over the place about the revelation, but it didn't make me love him any less. It just made me hurt for my mom even worse. I never knew she lost a baby. If I didn't know something like that, what else had she been hiding from me?

She was fidgeting in her seat as she tried to collect herself to finish her story. I waited patiently for her to gather the nerve to continue.

"After that night, your Dad disappeared for a long time and was trying to get himself better. He decided to come into town to try to convince me we should be together again when he thought he had his addiction under control. He used again the night he found me thinking it would give him the courage he needed to see me again. I know you are well aware already that it is never just one and done with an addict. He picked up right where he left off and it all started snowballing again. He promised me he would stop and I let him back in my life with the naïve thought that if I loved him enough that he would get clean for me."

I shook my head in disbelief. The woman I knew was more intelligent than that. She understood addiction and the manipulative nature of it. That was why she was always so quick to try to get me help before I fell flat on my face. In my mind, I thought it was just something that came naturally to her. I never realized she had to learn her lessons in such a brutal way.

"He was clean for a few days but got injured in a fight one night and started taking some pills to help control the pain. It was the excuse he used to justify his decision to break his promise to me. Everything went so wrong after I found out that he was trying to hide it from me again. I left him and he chased after me. He was really high when I told him I was done with him for good. He fought to hold onto me the only way he knew how."

I could sense her hesitation on the next part. She didn't want to tell me.

"What did he do?" I asked.

"He got physical with me while he was high and I ended up in the hospital with a concussion. They did my bloodwork while I was there and that was when I found out I had a little you growing inside me."

"Didn't you two ever hear about birth control? Condoms, pills, the shot?" I asked, dumbfounded. My parents couldn't have been that stupid back then.   

"Not the point of the story." My mom rolled her eyes.

"Right, sorry." I apologized for the umpteenth time in the last hour.

"Your dad OD'd and was brought to the hospital too. He knew he was wrong for what he did to me and he was trying to end the guilt he felt in the worst way possible. Instead of owning what he did, he tried to escape it like he always did. I told him it was over between us and asked him to promise me he would go get better. I didn't tell him about you because I was scared to have history repeat itself all over again. I needed to keep you safe, baby girl, and leaving him behind was the only way I knew how. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I really loved him with all my heart, but sometimes loving someone isn't enough. I will never regret the decision I made to walk away from him that day. In the end, it was what we both needed. We were not good for one another back then. A few years later, I literally ran into him on the street when I was with you. Unfortunately, that is when I first met Jenna too." She sighed, reliving the memories.

"So, he went away, got himself better, and then slept with another woman instead of coming back to you?" I swallowed. That portion of the story made me a little heated, but I kept my thoughts to myself on that one.

"Yeah, Jess, He met her right after he got out of rehab and got engaged. Your dad found out about you and after some hesitation, I agreed to let him see you. You had him wrapped around your little finger the moment he laid his eyes on you. There was no way he was going to walk away once he knew you. We both committed to being the best parents we could be to you, even if we weren't together. As the days went by, old feelings started creeping back in. I thought it was just me not being able to move on, but he was struggling too. The love we had for one another never really went away, but we were so bad together that it scared both of us to even think about what those feelings meant. He called things off with Jenna and then asked me to marry him a few months after that."

"That was when she hurt you." I nodded involuntarily.

"Really badly, Jess. I never wanted you and Jax to know. I bled out a lot and had to get some blood transfusions. I almost didn't make it. You were really young when it happened. It took me a long time to recover from my injuries. Your Dad would bring you to come visit me in the hospital and you would cry, asking for me to come home with you. When I was released and came home, you just kind of forgot about it. That was when I decided I wanted to move on from this. I never wanted our family to have to suffer again."

"Mom, the guy in the video. He...he..." I lowered my eyes, unable to finish.

"Yes, he did and your Dad beat the fucking shit out of him for it." She smiled and wiped at her eyes. "The guy lost an eye and couldn't hear out of one of his ears after your Dad was done with him. He has been sitting in a wheelchair in jail ever since."

"I wish you would have told me."

"Jess, it's my burden to bear. You have enough on your plate, sweet pea. You need to focus on your health and getting better. You shouldn't have to lose yourself again because of my past."

"No. No, it's not. You should never have had to go through that." I hugged my mom and kissed her. I was so angry over everything that Jenna did to her, but I tried to hide it from her as best as I could. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't just stay here while she roamed the streets, free to do whatever she pleased. I wanted to go do something about it.

"I love you, Mom." I kissed her cheek and squeezed her tightly before pulling back away from her. I got up and paced around the house, looking for my keys and phone. My mom was chasing behind me.

"Where are you going?" She asked worriedly.

"Don't worry, Momma. I'm just going to go see a friend." I said calmly. My keys and phone were on the table in the hallway. I walked over to pick them up and started towards the door.

"Jessa, leave it alone. We have a lawyer and we are dealing with this. We are working on getting a restraining order that protects the whole family." She said, trying to stop me.

"It's not enough. It didn't stop her the last time. That bitch is going to pay for what she has done to you."

I wanted revenge.

I stormed out of the house and got into my car. I backed out of the driveway without even looking and peeled off down the road. My mom already had her phone to her ear when I glanced back in the rearview mirror.

Jenna better pray that someone could catch me before I got to her.