I stepped into Cameron's pitch black house and fumbled around for the light switch.  He reached around over top of me and flipped it on when I took too long to find it.  I could feel his warm breath on my neck right behind me before he stepped away. 

I walked into his living room quietly, not sure what to do with myself.  Cameron had been giving me the silent treatment since we left my house. I wrapped my arms around my body to protect myself, trying to replace the warmth I was missing. Cameron felt cold and distant and I was longing for the comfort he normally gave me. I was feeling really lost right now. I didn't feel like anyone really wanted me around them anymore.  I was a burden to everyone. 

I bit my lip and tried to hold back my tears as I began thinking about disappearing again.  It wouldn't take much. Just a few pills, inject a little too much of something, and I could be gone in seconds.  There would be no more pain or fear. Everyone around me would go back to living their perfect lives and I would just be the faded memory that would get left behind.

"I don't want us to be forgotten." Good Jessa cried in my head.

"Me either," I whispered under my breath to her. 

"You either, what?" Cameron asked, confused.

"Nothing, I just..." Shit, I couldn't even come up with anything. "I'm just tired. I don't know."

"Go get yourself cleaned up while I get the guest bedroom ready for you."  He frowned, looking at me. 

He reached out his hand to give me my bag. My hand brushed against his and I had to fight the urge to pull him closer to me. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms and surround me to take it all away like he always did.  I wanted to be inside Cameron's protective bubble. Instead, he had his foot on my ass, pushing me out of it.

I took the bag and went to the bathroom without saying a word.  My feelings were hurt that my parents couldn't even look at me.  Cameron was barely speaking to me and it was all because of something I didn't even do. I wasn't lying to any of them, I had no idea where those pills came from and there was really someone in the house trying to hurt me. 

I didn't imagine it.  I know I didn't.

Cam was making a lot of noise in the guest bedroom.  He sounded like he was in there slamming things. I heard something heavy hit the wall. There was a loud clang followed by something shattering. I cringed as I imagined him destroying the room.  I'm not sure if I had ever seen him this upset before.  We had our share of problems before, but this time it felt different. 

I went into the bathroom and pulled on a different pair of sleep shorts and a white tank top.  The other set was covered with my sweat and tears. They felt cursed. I wanted to change out of the ones I was in earlier because I felt like they would bring the intruder back to get me.  It was just paranoia, but it felt justified. They would only be a reminder of my horrific night. 

Something silver flashed in my vision and I fell back on the floor. I scrambled up against the wall and curled in a little ball. I covered my mouth to keep from screaming out.  The pounding sounds were going to make my eardrums bleed. They were so deafening.  The knife was slashing in my face trying to cut open my skin. The shadow was standing over me, pressing in on me.

I closed my eyes and tried some breathing exercises I learned in therapy.  This wasn't real.  It was all in my head. I was safe. 

When I opened them again, instead of the shadow with the knife.  Nate was standing over me, wrapping his hands around my throat while he laughed at me.

I curled up into a ball on the cold tile floor and cried with my hands over my head. No one came to save me this time. No one held me, kissed me, and told me the monsters were gone. 

I was on my own.

After twenty minutes of lying in a pool of my own sweat and tears, I finally found the strength to push myself up to go to bed.   The house was silent, which meant Cam had probably gone to his room.  It was safe for me to go hide myself away under the blankets and pretend like someone loved me still.

I walked into the guest bedroom and gasped. Cam had broken the mirror on the dresser and the glass was lying everywhere on the floor.  The lamp was broken, the alarm clock was on the floor in pieces, and drawers ripped out of the dresser. He had torn apart everything in the room that he could lay his hands on.

Cameron was calmly staring at the wall while sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me.  He startled me. I didn't expect him to be still in the room and I sure as hell didn't expect him to destroy it this badly.

"Come here, Jess," Cam commanded in a rough voice. There was no expression on his face.  He looked almost robotic in his movements.  He was fighting to hide what he was feeling from me.

I placed my clothes in a pile next to the door. I walked carefully, trying to avoid the glass on the floor to get to him. He grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly in his as he looked up at me.

"I need to know. Are you using again? If you are, you need to tell me now." He said, demanding an answer.

"Cameron, I really don't know where they came from.  Maybe it was something I had that I forgot about. I thought I threw it all away when I got home." 

I looked down at him, wanting more than anything for him to believe me.  Cameron knew me. He had always known me better than anyone else.  I needed him to be on my side because no one else was. 

I went to put my hand on his cheek and he pushed it away quickly.

"Go to bed, Jess." He stood up and moved past me. 

I stood there watching him walk out of the room.  I saw him give up on me.  He said he would never give up on me. He lied to me again.

I bent down and picked up the broken pieces of glass scattered over the floor and placed them in the trash can next to the dresser.  I was glad the mirror was gone so I didn't have to look at how pathetic my reflection was.  I picked up the drawers and struggled to put them back in. 

The lamp and alarm clock were total losses.  I stuck the broken pieces next to the trash can since they wouldn't fit. I sighed, looking around the room for anything else I could do to help straighten out the mess. There was nothing else I could do to distract myself any longer. 

I reached back and unhooked the bra I put on when I thought there was a chance Cameron might talk to me longer.  I guess I didn't need to keep it on to sleep in.  It wasn't like he was in here with me right now.

I pulled back the covers and climbed in.  The bed felt too big and empty; the room felt too dark.  Everything was so wrong now and I didn't even understand how it had gotten this way.   

I laid in the bed, covered my head with the blanket, and cried myself into a terror-filled sleep.