I pushed the door open with a lot more confidence than I was actually feeling inside.  The air was warm and smelled like sunshine and morning dew.  There was a slight breeze moving through the trees, causing them to sway back and forth. It had been a long time since I felt the wind and sun on my face.  I stood still bathing in the light, just enjoying the beauty of the morning. 

It was definitely going to be a lot warmer soon. The sun had barely risen over the trees and I was already thinking about putting on a tank top and shorts when I got home. The humidity was going to be brutal today; the moisture in the air was already way too thick. It would be a good day to sit and sip fruity drinks by the pool and work on the tan I desperately needed. I had been inside so long. My skin had become almost translucent. 

"Jessa, over here!"  My Mom called from the little parking area on the side of the building.

Mom and Dad were standing by their SUV holding hands, waiting for me to come out.  A huge smile spread over my mom's face when I looked her way.  I returned it excitedly and ran down the stairs towards the small woman to wrap her in a hug. 

I had really missed my mom while I was here. I spent a lot of time realizing how badly I had treated her during my episodes.  I always displaced my aggression on her when she did nothing to deserve it.  She was only trying to help me get better.  It took me a long time to realize she wasn't my enemy.  She wasn't committing me because she wanted to hide me away.  She did it because she loved me enough to do what was right for me even when I couldn't understand it.

"You look so beautiful, Sweet Pea." She said, choking back her emotions.

"Thanks, Mom."  I said, genuinely taking her compliment.

I knew I had started looking better over the last few months.  I had picked the weight back up that I had lost when I ran away from my life. My cheeks weren't sunken in and my eyes had regained their icy twinkle.  The bruises Nathan had put on my body were all gone.  I looked like me again.  An unsure, first wobbly step version of me, but she was still better than the one who ran face first into walls for fun.

My Mom buried her nose into my overgrown wild hair and took a deep breath in.  Was she sniffing me?  I laughed when I realized I was doing the same thing right back to her.  The scent of her peach and cherry blossom shampoo made me feel safe again.  Even through all the bad, I was still her little girl and I still needed her more than ever. That was something that would never change, no matter how old I was or crazy I got.

My dad cleared his throat impatiently waiting for his turn to hug me next. My mom reluctantly let me go and he moved in. He squeezed me so tightly that I could barely breathe.  I didn't care about my lack of oxygen right now. I was enjoying the warmth that came when he surrounded me.  I spent so much time trying to run from this family that I forgot how good it was to actually be a part of it.

"Where's Jax?" I asked when my Dad let me go. I was looking around, hoping to see the big little dude hiding in the car. I missed him.  Mom and Dad didn't bring him to see me since he was uncomfortable here.  I didn't blame him for not wanting to be around a bunch of scary people battling mental health issues.  He had already put up with his fair share of scary situations with me.  I was glad they were letting him go out in the world and just be a kid. 

"He is at his girlfriend's house." My Dad smiled, beaming proudly.

"Wait, Jax has a girlfriend?" I said, bursting out in laughter. "No freaking way. Like a real girl?  She's not imaginary, is she?"

"She is corporeal and even speaks sometimes." My dad chuckled.

"Is she like green with tentacles?" My eyes were wide with my amusement.

"Be nice to your brother.  She is a lovely girl and he really likes her."  My mom jumped in, defending my brother's honor.  She wasn't as thrilled about the girlfriend as she let on. I could tell in the way that she looked away when she talked about her.  Mom was a shit liar. She definitely wasn't standing there giving him an at-a-boy look like my Dad was.

"What color is her tail?" I asked, poking again. 

"Fuchsia." Dad replied.

"I can't with you two."  Mom threw her hands up and climbed into the car grumpily.

"I thought it was funny."  Dad said, leaning back down to whisper to me when she had closed the SUV door behind her. "Don't mind your mother. She is just a little off right now.  You know she doesn't handle stress very well. On a positive note, our linen closet is now sorted by color and labeled."

"She didn't." I said with a smile on my face.

"Take my advice, Jess.  Do not mix a green towel in with the blue ones unless you want her wrath. She made me sleep out in the shed in the backyard for two weeks."  He winked at me and pulled me into another hug. "Welcome Back, Sweet Pea." 

I loved my neurotic mother and her need to maintain order in our family's chaos.

My Mom once organized my Dad's massive collection of guitar picks when my Grandma made her angry.  Dad came home and was furious that she touched his babies. Some of them were autographed and worth a lot of money. She took them out of the protective sleeves he kept them in to sort them by color and style. They battled for two months over it without her knowledge. He started going behind her and rearranging things just to get on her nerves.  She would ask him what happened and he would deny that he did anything. He finally fessed up to it when she talked about needing to see a doctor because she thought she was forgetting things.

My dad could be quite an ass sometimes.

I opened the car door and I climbed in. I looked over my shoulder to say goodbye to the place I had called home for the past fourteen months. I had learned a lot about myself over that time and had to admit to even more things that I wasn't proud of. I was learning not to blame myself for my condition, but I still had a long way to go to learn to forgive myself.  No one told me how hard it would be to tell the girl inside of me that she didn't deserve the pain she had gone through.  I had to learn that one on my own.

This place had found a way to dig itself a spot inside my body. I was praying with a little water and sunshine, it would take root so I could bloom into the person I was meant to be. I definitely knew I never wanted to be back here again. 

Fuck, I had a love/hate relationship with this place.

I blew it a kiss and then flipped it the mental bird. 

I may be getting better, but I was still me.